As you said I’ll just let it all out they will know by the look on my face I’m not ok, can’t believe how long I’ve had to wait no wonder people all over the world take their own lives when they have to wait so long for support I really don’t know how I’ve managed to get through the last 12 weeks maybe knowing I have my girls and my dad to think of, maybe it’s the fact I’ve had the help from people on here to pull me back from the edge I’ve be standing on. For years I’ve dreaded the day she wouldn’t be here any more it’s sat on my shoulder for years and now I’m going through it, it really doesn’t seem real I’ve stepped out of my body just don’t know who I am any more xx
I can totally relate @Lisa_L51. Counselling will really help you, even if you just sit and cry the whole time. I am fortunate that I was already having counselling and I have an amazing GP. Getting the right support is vital. It’s so bad you have had to wait so long. I am glad we found each other to help us navigate this new world.
I am wiped out tonight after work. The exhaustion is still very real. It feels surreal that my mom isn’t here, I just wasn’t expecting it at all. I miss her so much.
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Good luck with the counselling, you’ve waited so long….let it all out best you can. That’s what it’s there for. I get anxious waiting for mine, it’s scary to be so vulnerable but they will be there for you in a safe environment. I keep following everyone’s journey on here (staying mostly quiet) you keep fighting through, you’re doing much better than you give yourself credit for….and I love that you’ve decided to use your real name.x
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I’m sorry to constantly repeat myself but today I have been upset literally all day constantly in tears . I don’t know if it’s cos I’ve had the day off and been at home but I’m constantly sobbing again at the thought I won’t see her , hear her again or be with her
I’m over 12 weeks since losing my mum and the grief today is just immense . All the little things around the house and garden she brought and loved to think she won’t enjoy them again is breaking me 
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Don’t apologise, I’m 19 weeks in, and feel there’s been so much going on that I’ve not had a clear run at grieving….don’t think any of us have! Days off can be bad, nothing else to attempt to occupy your mind, I still get myself out….I think I’ve only maybe managed 2 days alone. (I honestly can’t remember) and being surrounded by things to remind you of your loss must be difficult. Say what you need as often as you feel…nobodies judging.
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I’m glad we found each other as well, I don’t have many friends even if we are strangers it’s so weird that we can pour our heart out to strangers yet find it hard sometimes to speak to the people who we are the closest too x
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I’ve been feeling exactly the same for these past 2 weeks I seem to have done a u turn right back to the beginning I’ve felt like a nobody this week, I’ve looked at this person in the mirror this week and don’t recognise her anymore it’s like the grief I’m feeling has consumed me that I even feel guilty if I happen to laugh or smile my youngest asked me earlier when I was upset why I was going to therapy tomorrow was it because I’m missing my mum and I’m having a bad day, normally she’d say something like why are you crying again, I think she might be starting to realise now how much losing my mum, her nan is affecting me and what it’s actually done to me already x
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Thankyou being on here has helped so much especially at the beginning when I was having my darkest days and couldn’t see the light, can’t believe I’ve poured my heart out to strangers without having to speak two words and yet I can’t talk to my own family, it didn’t seem right using my nickname especially when it’s a name my mum used to use, it’s too painful a reminder x
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It’s still so raw, just know that we understand totally what you are going through and feel the feelings you have. Xx
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@Lisa_L51 this is what you need to say tomorrow as I totally sums up how you feel. You can screen shot it and show them.
Losing our mom’s is just one of the worst things. She was the person there right at the start, there is an unconditional love. I look a photos of me and my mom and her with my kids and see utter love in her eyes.
You daughter is very intuitive. It’s good she recognises how you are feeling and why you are having therapy. You are showing your kids that it is ok to cry and be sad.
Sending you massive hugs 
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I remember your first post, so close to loosing my mum aswell, I can see by your posts how far you’ve come from then, it’s still no time at all in the grand scheme of things. I totally get how strange it seems typing away to strangers, but it’s definitely easier in some respects than sharing with family…….I think when you find “your people” on here it’s so good.x
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I really hope the counselling works out for you, Lisa. 
Haven’t commented much as I have been and am in such a dark dark place, but I’m reading.
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Aww ulma I’m sorry your not doing great, to be honest neither am I, I spend most of my day masking my feelings from my dad as not to upset him, I mask as much as I can from my girls and their dad they may think I’m doing ok but I’m hurting so much inside I leave the room to cry or I wait for them not to be looking.
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Sending you lots of love.
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So many ups and downs in this horrible position, people often say like waves……more tidal than gentle! Like you,I’ve been reading more……I find it comforting somehow, I have since I joined, not been on as regularly. At one point (for months!) I was on every day and constantly ran out of new threads!!...whatever gets us through the day eh? Xx
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I was doing that, crying when I went to bed. But I am trying to be real and open and accept how I feel. Trust me it isn’t easy. You could talk to your counsellor about this x
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Thank you. 
I understand you not wanting to burden them. I’m glad the counselling is starting, because that will be all about you.
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Absolutely. I’m still on every day and it’s a good distraction to read the threads. But I run out of new ones too.
Worse than tidal waves, a tsunami! Most of the time anyway. I hate it. Sorry to hear you’re suffering as well.
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Thank you 
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