It’s not strange at all you have lost your mum, I’m 51 and cry myself to sleep everynight that’s when I get about 2 hours then I wake up and I just can’t get out my head what happened, I walk in their house and stand behind the door knowing when I open it she won’t be sat in her chair, I wear her scarf every day as it’s soft and snuggly around my neck, I lie on her bed, when I need comfort, I spray her perfume, I say hello to her photo on the cabinet and blow a kiss when I leave, so no don’t ever think your strange x
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i find myself combing through her hair brushes to retrieve her hair strands so that i can hold onto them as a keepsake; i find myself buying food that she liked; i find myself saying ‘i’m back’ or ‘i’m home’ to a picture of her when i come home from work…
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I’m lying here now crying thinking of her holding her scarf, it’s just so hard, I keep thinking I’ll close my eyes and when I open them this nightmare is over and she hasn’t gone, I didnt want her to suffer but she did over the years and I helped her as much as I could putting my own life on hold and I feel guilty doing that to my family, and my kids don’t respect me like they did but that’s my fault entirely for neglecting them at times putting my mum first before everything she was my mum and I’d of done anything for her and I hope my girls can understand as they get older why I did that and we can rebuild our relationships, I love them so much but they are hurting as well so I just need to give them time and space and tell them I love them every day when i pack them off to school xx
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i can’t sleep either… i usually wake up around this time of the night and can’t fall back to sleep until around 5am. my sinuses get inflamed and i find myself not able to breathe thru my nose at bed time.(i’m a nose breather)
your young children don’t disrespect you; it may seem that way sometimes but what they’re trying to express is their desire for attention. i have argued and yelled at my mother in the past but never once did i genuinely hold hatred towards her nor disrespect her. children respond well to adults asking for forgiveness. i don’t think they want to intentionally alienate you from them. i don’t have children of my own but i was once a child and in retrospect i expressed anger towards my parents whenever i saw them weak or hurting in an immature effort to ‘correct’ them. it hurt me to see them hurting…
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I just hope I havnt destroyed it all and we can eventually get back to the place we once where as they get older, I hope I can be the mother they need just like my mum was to me, before it’s too late. I’ll just lie here now till about 6 when alarm goes off I’ll sort the kids packed lunches they’ll all leave then I’ll grab an hour or 2 then go to my dad’s to check on him, hate leaving him by himself x
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yes, as they mature, and girls mature faster than boys that’s for sure, they will try to mend the fences between you and them. the important thing is to be able to recognize their olive branch.
i hope your father is doing alright by himself. grieving alone is a terrible burden
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I’m looking after him the best I can, he’s still able to do stuff at home for himself he’s not great on his legs but his mind is all there for 91 he can’t go out by himself so I go with hime to appointments and stuff I do his shopping etc, he was asked by the hospital did he need help with carers he said no family helps me, but I won’t neglect my kids this time, they come first, but now I have the stress of making sure pi do Christmas like my mum did, but then maybe I’m overthinking I’m not my mum I just want it to be perfect but it won’t be as she is not here and I so wish we could of had more time together if we had known last Christmas was going to be our last together xx
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it was just me and my mum during holiday seasons. we’d buy take out chinese food or some fancy italian and eat together watching holiday classics on the telly. she got tired of it but i always put on albert finney’s ‘scrooge’. she liked the song ‘thank you very much, thank you very much, it’s the nicest thing that anyone’s ever done for me.’ except this month i’ll be watching it alone…
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Do you not have any other family or friends maybe you could spend the day with I know it’s never going to be the same again ever, maybe if you were feeling up to it maybe volunteer somewhere so your not alone, it’s not a time to be alone and I don’t think your mum would want that, she’d want you to go out there.
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i have relatives but they’re so far away and some we’ve been estranged for a long time… i have one cousin who lives close by and he’s been beating around the bush trying to get me to join his family for meals lately. it’s nice of him but i don’t want to take advantage of his generosity. i broke up with my long time partner about 15 months ago when she told me to put my mother in a care/nursing home. it sounded more like an ultimatum to me. it broke my heart to hear someone i loved say that about my mother. it’s going to be a chilly winter in my home this season.
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Maybe take your cousin up on the offer it’s not taking advantage it’s accepting help when your in need, there are organisations for people who are by them, just reach out x
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thank you, you make a lot of sense. i hope you can find some sleep tonight. i’m done with crying tonight…
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Pity I couldn’t take my own advice, I suppose once I get my head around everything and start to accept what life is going to be like without her then the healing process can start, just not ready to accept, I’m here anytime you need a chat I hope you can get some sleep and thanks for the chat, take care x
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here’s something i’ve read and it’s been helpful to me:
change is never painful. only our resistance to it causes pain.
if you live in the past you will invite depression
if you live in the future you will invite anxiety
if you live in the present you will invite peace of mind
good night friend
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It’s so true
good morning friend
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I’m wearing my dad’s cardigan, much too big for me, and cry. And cry.
Of course you will be able to rebuild your relationship with your daughters. Don’t doubt that. They know you love them!
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Sorry for your loss! It’s so hard to forgive oneself, I don’t know if it is that we expect too much of ourselves, that we should have known everything we know now and have noticed everything. I just hope one day the guilt will fade.
I’m sure they do just doesn’t feel like it sometimes I can’t do right for doing wrong. I’d get played off against their nan all the time and she would give into them as they got older, if I said no to something then she’d ask her nan and my mum would say yes so I could never win I was allways the bad guy, now when I say no the youngest throws a tantrum and I get the verbal backlash.
Ah, I can see how that would be a bit problematic. How old are they? Hopefully it’s just a phase that you will be able to work through together. The dynamic has changed now too and you all need time to adjust to that in your own ways. 
My youngest is 12 her sister is 14 no one will ever be able to replace the love she had for her Nan not even me they were best mates she would stay every weekend and school holidays at her nan and Grandads even during lockdown she stayed with them they looked after each other over the years. When her nan got really sick had a fall it scared her and her nan told her not to tell me but she did because she was worried and she couldn’t stay anymore then I had to tell her nan wasn’t going to get better she asked me was she going to die and I couldn’t lie I just cried and she knew, then when she had her last fall and ended up in hospital I knew she wasn’t coming home and my daughter kept asking and Id just say nan is really poorly so I’d take them in when they wanted to visit and my mum knew they were there and her face would light up when she saw them both. They both loved her so much and I’m so angry and sad she left us, They both last saw their nan on the Thursday and on the Sunday she died, when I got the call from my sister for us to go the hospital then 10 mins later got another call to say she had gone, I took my dad to the hospital said my goodbyes hugged her she was still warm I cried as I hugged her I was hysterical didn’t want to let go then I had to go home and tell my girls nan had passed away in her sleep my youngest sobbed and my 14 year old was in shock couldn’t say a word never cried we just hugged each other and I told them how much I loved them and how much their nan really loved them and how proud she was and so was I, I’ll never forget that day and my heart is in pieces.
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