Hi Peter,
My mum was also 89. I tell myself the same.That it was her time to go and even though I wrapped her in cotton wool so to speak it was her time to go bless her. Feeling like we do is torture and there will forever be if only’s etc .We have to keep telling ourselves we did the best we could at the time with the situation as it was. It’s easier said than gone I know and some days are worse than others when I think back to certain days or times. We just have to keep strong or try to get stronger each day and week. We have no choice but to carry on and learn to live with the grief we feel. I try to think of mum being my shadow and being always with me. I look for signs as she promised me she would send signs to me and I have had many . Mist are to go with lights or bulbs and I know it’s her as there is no other explanation.
It’s also coming to terms with a new life now. One I didn’t want but have to have. It’s starting to live a different way in so many ways and it’s truly heartbreaking.No other words to describe it .
I am coming up to the first anniversary of mum’s passing on Dec 30th and am more emotional than ever. I totally underestimated how I would feel. Hits hard approaching the date but I am trying to be strong and preparing myself. Am going to go to my local Cathedral and light a candle for mum and just sit in one of the small chapels there and pray and reflect. It’s all I can do now but the atmosphere will be appropriate.Its St David’s Cathedral in Wales and is stunning.
Hope you are able to get through each day a bit better.
Hugs
Deborah
Hi Lucy,
I do all those things too. It’s helps me so much
Deborah x
hello deborah, i can’t imagine the depth of utter sadness you must be experiencing with the 30th approaching. my heart goes out to you and your family. i think we’re changing into a new version of ourselves. the one that existed when our mums were nearby to pick us up when we fell is no longer here. i hope we can learn to carry our grief in the future as a gentle sorrow.
lucy, you’re overthinking in my opinion. you’re their mum. one and only. they loved their nan in their own special way, but no one can replace a mother. mother’s are sacred. all mothers are. they will learn to appreciate you as they mature, even when you say ‘no’ to their tantrums. my mum said ‘no’ to me countless times whereas an uncle i had was my favorite because he said ‘yes’. but only my mum cared for me when i got sick; only my mum cried for me when i was down; only my mum gave me unconditional support and love even when i made a mistake.
Maybe I am, but you see, the bond the youngest had with her nan was different it was like mother and daughter not mother and granddaughter mum looked after her when she was sick, she did all the things I should of done as a mother I think that’s why she preferred her Nan, if she wanted something she’d ask her nan not me and her nan would give it to her, I think because She thought I never had time for her as there is only 2 years between her and his sister I tried to treat them both equally but because she played me off against her nan all the time my mum couldn’t see what she was doing, maybe she will adjust now, maybe we will become closer, now that I feel I don’t need to compete with my mum, but I’d have my mum back in a flash only time will tell if we can bond again as mother and daughter I really hope we can I know she loves me and I don’t think she realises how much I love her no matter how much she hurts me in the process I will try my best to allways be here for both of my girls as a mother should be.
So sorry. It must have been such a shock and I understand how hard it is for all of you. Sending hugs. 
Hi Peter,
Yes it’s horrible in the run up to the first anniversary. Hearing Xmas songs makes me want to scream. I have shopped online thank goodness so am not venturing out much before Xmas. No point as at the moment I can’t bear to see people in any shape or form and Xmas means losing my mum so it’s very different this year.
She loved Xmas and always put in a wonderful spread and managed to cook the dinner every year until approx 4 years ago. We had the most wonderful Christmas 's with her. Last Xmas I asked everyone not to send cards or presents and we didn’t put the tree up as mum’s bed was in the lounge and I had approx 13 medical people calling every day and mum didn’t know it was Xmas time bless her.The best present for all of us was we had her for Xmas. I just asked people to say a little prayer for her.
I can’t believe it’s almost a year since I lost her and although the gut wrenching crying all day and night has faded I still cry most days and feel a sadness like no other. I have only this week arranged for an estate agent to value her house as have kept everything the same. So the past week has been very emotional.
How are you getting on ?
Keep posting on here as there are so many lovely people on here who will help you.It has been a godsend for me
Deborah
hello deborah, the past several days have been wretched for me. i think i’m thinking more clear but i;m sick to the stomach more often. i’ve not been eating well probably. for almost the past 2 years i;ve been doing all the cooking for mum and i. she could no longer stand and cook. but now the act of cooking has become unbearable. all i can think about is i won’t be able to share it with her. so, been eating ready meals and tinned soup for the past 7 weeks. i;ve been listening to songs she and i both liked and it’s making me cry but feel better at the same time. one song is called ‘over the rainbow’ by eva cassidy
Hi,
I know the dong and it’s lovely.
I set myself very small steps in the begining and it helped. Basic things like making myself a cup of tea. So sounds daft but I couldn’t even do that as I was so depressed. I still set little targets for each day. It makes me focus and I write a list. Try to set yourself targets for meals. That way you will be looking after your wellbeing. Cook something new that you didn’t make for your mum. I used to make mum sweet and sour chicken Haven’t cooked it since she passed.Too painful .
You have to start somewhere to rebuild your life even though it’s the last thing you want to do.
Deborah
hi deborah, thank you for the encouraging words. you’re right, i need to eat and drink properly. i;ll try making a list and follow through on going to the store. good night
Hi ulma yes it’s been an absolute shock to all of us, This run up to Christmas is really getting to me normally I’d be out at the shops with my mum going through a list of what we needed this year I just can’t do it, I’ve shopped on line as I can’t bare crowds at the moment it’s to overwhelming I’m literally counting down the days till it’s over havnt even put my tree up yet, I can hear what my mum would be saying right now, she’d be asking me every day have you put your tree up yet, what about the kids, it’s Christmas.
I can’t bear to cook either, for the same reason. Ready-made meals all the wayvand I dare not even check how much weight I’ve lost. It feels so wrong to cook, because I did it for him more than for me, so that he would have a proper, nutrious meal, and now there’s no point to it.
I haven’t put up any decorations either, though I too think he would want me to and we always went to Christmas markets together. It will hurt no matter what, I guess. I wish it was over.
I’ve made a decision that my tree needs to go up I need to do something for my girls they shouldn’t have to feel like I don’t care it only comes around once a year and who knows how many Christmases any one of us has left especially with my dad who’s 91 I need to do what my mum would of wanted me to do and that is to carry on with Christmas regardless I just hope I can make her proud and that she’s with us in spirit.
I out all our decorations up last weekend on own. No one helped it was so overwhelming and I sobbed. I am going to my dad’s tomorrow to put his tree up.
This is all so overwhelming and I just can’t bear this without my mom.
My husband and I had a night away yesterday in a posh hotel, it was amazing and just for 1 day I forgot about all of this. I just sound so ungrateful.
It’s just not fair. I am struggling a lot and struggling with work. They are not being supportive at all and I got a note the other week from my GP to do very reduced hours. I have told them how I feel, asked for meetings to help me but nothing. Now I have a meeting next Friday with the headteacher about it. Too little too late. I had zero support going back to work in Sept after my mom died.
We aren’t robots.
ulma, you and i are in the same boat. i’ve lost so much weight that my pants need belt. take care of yourself; the last thing we need is more hospitals…
@Becca_d your work should really support you, I work in a pharmacy and I don’t know how I would of got through this last year without the girls I work with let alone the last couple of months they have been really lovely I feel so guilty taking the time off work but I need that time to get my head around losing my mum, it’s really been a difficult time for me I just can’t accept yet that she has gone, even though I saw with my own eyes I still think I’m going to wake up and it was all a dream, working in a school I’m sure they have their own councillors who go into the school to support anyone affected by grief, I hope you start getting the support you need I’m still waiting on my grief counselling it’s a 12-14 week wait for me as the NHS doesn’t provide it I was told, I suppose if I’d of done something stupid I’d of got it right away but that would only of caused more heartbreak especially to my children so I’ll just have to wait x
Hi Becca
I used to be a Headteacher do if you need any advice send me a pm anytime ok
Deborah x
Sounds good! If it feels like the right thing to do I’m sure it is. It’s a balance juggling what we think our loved ones would have wanted and what we can cope with. I hope you will be able to find some peace and a little bit of joy doing it, in spite of everything.
And a rocky boat it is! You have a good point there, I never want to see a hospital ever again, if I’m honest. Even the thought makes me sick to my stomach. It was a several weeks of trauma for me with dad.