I started the journal last week, after my first counselling session. I don’t write in it everyday but when a negative thought pops in (I’m struggling with thoughts that I could have done more in his last few days etc) and then trying to take some of the emotion out of it (difficult I know!) and look at it rationally. x
1 Like
I think the whole journey of my mums cancer story has been shocking, I felt as though the drs let her down and didn’t pick up on this when they should have, they just have been rubbish! I question everything and that has set of my health anxiety, it’s just a huge circle that I can’t shake off!
1 Like
I completely understand. Hopefully the counselling will help you work through your feelings and anxieties x
I hope so! I just want to feel some kind of normal again. I hope you get through it too! x
1 Like
I felt the same, I went back to work after the 5 days. I work in a how the school. My mom died on 30th August, so was due back at work the following Monday. I went back as I felt guilty as I am the only one who does my job. It was the wrong thing to do, I had no support at work and was pretty much on reduced hours until we broke up for Christmas.
You need to allow yourself time to grieve, feel all the emotions. We only found out 2 hours before my mom died that she had terminal cancer. The dr’s ignored us and just got it wrong. It was really traumatic for her and all of us.
I now feel less suffocated by all the grief, but still trying to process it all. I get tired quickly. I am back at work 25 hours a week now which is hard. But I don’t really have a choice.
We’re here for you, it’s still early days for you. Look after yourself x
2 Likes
It did drop back off slept till about 8.30, felt weird today can’t explain, had breakfast got ready went to my dad’s done his cleaning changed his bed etc, now I’m home took him his tea etc back to him enough meals for 3 days had my tea now I’ll let it settle then I’ll get up again do dishes put leftovers aside clean up then iron the kids uniforms then I’ll get to sit down and I’ll probably fall asleep watching TV.
1 Like
That is a lot to do this evening. We had my dad over for a roast dinner today. Then we went to church.
I just feel so tired. I know what you mean by a weird feeling in some ways. Do you feeling strangely calm?
I am now sat watching Dancing on ice.
2 Likes
I just feel so guilty having the time off work, I have a drs note which gives me till the end of February off so I’m hoping il have processed it all a bit more by then, everything seems a struggle but then il find myself ok but it’s constantly on my mind, such a weird thing! Thanks for the reply…I’m sure il get there!
Hi sorry for your loss, I lost my mum in October and life will never be the same she was so special to me my best friend we did everything together before and after was so traumatic I was in a dark place didn’t want to be here only that I have 2 girls and my dad to look after that I had to get up of a morning I was signed off work and havnt gone back yet, I waited 10 weeks for my counselling and my first session was last week I cried the whole 60 mins and came out feeling exhausted my sessions are every Tuesday for 6 weeks then they will review and extend if necessary I’ve been on auto since my mum passed I don’t sleep that well I’m on medication for anxiety and panic attacks and antidepressants which I’m scared to take even though they would probably help me sleep I’ve had so much support on here it’s recalled helped me get through the last 2 months which i hate to think what I would of done had I not found this forum, for the first time I’ve felt calmer today, I upped my anxiety meds to 2 a day and dont knoe if it was that or because I’ve been busy and not had time to think, so I’m just letting my tea settle for half an hour then sort the ironing then thats it for the night i think.
1 Like
Wow! That’s a busy day! I wish I had the energy to do a day like this…not a chance! You need to give yourself time to rest too! X
It’s sounds as though your making progress, these things take time and I understand that but it just seems such a long road, will I ever feel like me again? The only reason I get out of bed is to look after my 3 children other wise I would have no motivation! My mum had cancer and you would think that knowing she was dying would be easier when that time came, it didn’t, so much worse than I could of ever imagined, something I can’t escape from! I started counselling last week so hoping that with medication and time off work can help me process it all and to learn to live a new life without her! I know how you feel, we can get through this! xx
2 Likes
Yeah it’s been a weird one today, we done a roast we allways do extra and put my dad’s in containers enough for 3 meals that way I know he’s eating proper food and not ready meals, I made the kids help youngest cleaned her hamster out eldest done the stairs with a lot of moaning then I cleaned the floors right the way through, tomorrow I’ll clean the bathroom/shower etc had to be done he can’t do it so someone has to, but think by the time I’ve finished tonight I’m hoping I sleep right through till my alarm goes off at 6 x
2 Likes
Don’t be hard on yourself, it is early days and it is so raw. Take it one day at a time. I get it, I felt guilty. But you ar not fit to work, you have suffered a great loss.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to be how you think other people think you should be if that makes sense. This is your grief journey.
You sound like you have had a similar experience to me with dr’s & your mom.
2 Likes
I saw this and I think it sums everything up. I have changed.
My mum battled cancer for 26 years in total 24 of them with bladder cancer she was clear 2 years we thought she’d finally beaten it when they found some in the bottom of her lung, she didn’t smoke, they removed it all and said at her next check it was all gone I’d just nurses her back when she started suffering with her leg and could barely walk, dr’s and hospital put it down to arthritis she had her normal scan in the may then end of July her consultant told her cancer was back in the hip/pelvis and that was it, she asked her prognosis 6-12 months she lasted 12 weeks it was traumatic I found out by accident she didn’t tell anyone so I had to tell my siblings, my dad and my children unbeknown to me her brother was the only one who knew and she’d sworn him not to tell, mum didn’t want us to know, she was in denial and I had all this weight on my shoulders we had no support from Macmillan or palliative nurses, we got a hosp bed installed at home and carers came in twice a day for personal care, they were the only ones who supported us along with a physiotherapist that visited twice a week, mum was dying and no matter how much i helped i couldn’t save her, she was in and out of hospital she had a fall fractured her hip they wouldn’t operate she was in 10 days came home had what Dr said was a water infection for 2 weeks on antibiotics had a fall mid September day after her 86 birthday went into hosp discovered infection was sepsis treated her found out she was dehydrated and also had a swollen kidney she was in so much pain had to fight with the nurses to give her pain meds she was on morphine at home they never gave her any for nearly a week she was in so much pain, she couldn’t press her buzzer they would leave it out of reach she became none verbal she couldn’t hold a beaker they wouldn’t help her eat and drink i had murder with them they moved her to palliative care and she was left in a room by herself at the end of a corridor no nurse watching her they’d go in after 4 hours and change her then go, that was palliative care, she spent last 5 weeks of her life in hospital being ignored basically if I’d of been able to bring her home I would have but she would need 24 hour care and they couldn’t get anyone the only consolation was they fitted a syringe driver and she passed away pain free,
It’s 100% true becca I know I’ve changed I don’t like who I’ve become I’ll never be the person I was, that person has gone x
1 Like
That is just so awful. It’s just not acceptable to treat anyone like this in their final weeks, days.
My mom was just ignored and told that she had health conditions and that was just how she was going to feel. The dr’s didn’t listen. She was dying in front of them.
I had to call 999 for her on 18th August, they didn’t do a CT scan until 29th August. So many dr’s missed her diagnosis and the hospital notes are shocking. They would have known after the CT scan that it was terminal and catastrophic. It was everywhere. No evidence of palliative care, we got there on the Wed morning and she looked like she was about to die. She was still on the ward, curtains open for all to see. She wasn’t moved to the private room until 1 hour before she died. She had no pain relief or anything. Her lips were bleeding & she couldn’t breathe because her right lung had collapsed. It was really scary and traumatic. There was no dignity for my mom and she did not have a good death.
This is why we have her medical notes and intend to do something about it. I need justice for my mom.
1 Like
You will learn to love yourself again 
Omg that is horrific, when ever my mum was in hospital she would never use her buzzer she would suffer in silence I used to have to shout at her and say that is what it is for and she allways used to say they have enough to do and when she actually needed help this time round she still wouldn’t use it then as she became more ill she got to the agitated stage and she must of pressed her button by accident and the head nurse turned around and told her it’s not a toy, had I been there at the time I would of ripped the nurses head off they used to make her wait for her pain meds for ages sometimes after change over even though she’d asked an hour before, they basically neglect the terminal I’ll elderly patients because they can’t be bothered, I miss my mum so much and it just made her last few weeks unbearable to watch the way she was being treated but i know she no longer has to be treated like she’s a nobody, i had a massive flashback before and it’s upset me so much I’ve been sobbing and still am, i want my mum back I need her so much.