I am just beyond exhausted today. I slept until 9am, but just want to sleep. Grief really hurts today. I feel so lost without my mom. Going to see my dad just reminds me mom isn’t here. He looks so vulnerable, I just can’t believe all of this happened. 
3 Likes
Hi Becca, I was sleeping on the sofa this morning. You need to make sure you get all the sleep that your body needs, and more. Can you have a kip at your dad’s? 
1 Like
I am lay on the sofa now. It’s all I want to do, but got to think about cooking the dinner. I want to be creative, but I just can’t without my mom. She inspired me so much.
Grief is just so hard. I don’t want to do anything right now.
4 Likes
I think that some days we just have to let ourselves do nothing when we don’t want to do anything (at least as little as our circumstances allow). I had one of those days yesterday, didn’t even have breakfast. Hugs!
4 Likes
Just popped back to my dad’s with something. I worry so much about him. He rarely has the heating on and his house is freezing. He sits with a big blanket over him.
I am back home and just sat in the car. Done want to go in the house. I thought I was doing ok a couple of weeks ago. But it’s hitting me hard this week.
4 Likes
Your allowed to take a break maybe if you say down and discussed who starts doing what just to give you a hand, do you own a slow cooker Becca really ideal if you work even your husband and son would be able to use it x
1 Like
I was up early this morning done all the washing went out at about 1 done all ours and my dad’s food shopping kids wanted a day in bed day so that’s where I left them, got back to my dad’s at 4.30 couldn’t stop for a coffee now I’m back home my head is banging x
1 Like
Oh no, why does he not put the heating on? That’s essential .
Yes - great idea. Also, an air fryer - my nephews use theirs.
He doesn’t want to heat the whole house. He has it on for an hour or so in the morning. He can afford it, but I guess he is just being cautious.
I worry about him so much. Grief, death changes everything. He looks old, it has probably taken its toll on him. I try my hardest for him. I feel so responsible as we live 5 mins away.
My brother phones him everyday which is good, he always phoned even when my mom was alive. But he doesn’t come over much.
I feel so torn between my family and my dad and wanting my own space.
3 Likes
I’ve now gotta sort tea as he has disappeared somewhere, I’ve literally just sat down and realised I’ve had nothing to eat or drink all day and I’ve been wondering why I feel sick. Your going to have those days Becca and it’s hard, I thought I’d got over the panic attacks but had one last week when I had a flash back, but today has been really strange x
1 Like
I just can’t accept that my mom isn’t here anymore. I have so much I want to as her and so much I want to tell her. Grief is feeling very heavy right now. Wish i didn’t have to go to work tomorrow.
It’s nearly 5 months now. No one really checks in on you, no more flowers,
One of my fiends whose mom died in Jan last year says to me ‘doesn’t work help?’ She is a teacher. Work doesn’t take my mind of it, I sit on my own most of the day and see kids one at a time. It’s very lonely.
Got to go to sleep now and wake up to it all again tomorrow.
2 Likes
You’re doing so well, being back at work, Becca.
I know what you mean. I think people just leave us to get on with it, and assume that we’ll reach out if we need help. But I tend to forget who is available. I much prefer for people to check in on me.
2 Likes
I feel your pain. You’re not alone. I just can’t accept it either, not today, not tonight. 
Do you have to sit on your own at work, apart from when you meet with students? Isn’t there some other space where there are more people around?
2 Likes
I had to get back to work properly after Christmas. But it’s so hard.
Friends say if you need me I am here. But I won’t ask for help. I messaged my best friend today and she didn’t respond. I am guessing she had stuff going on.
1 Like
It’s just too much to accept.
I don’t have a choice at my one school. The office is on its own. I work in a building with other people in an afternoon which is a bit better.
I just can’t get my head around all that was wrong with my mom and how much she suffered. It just doesn’t feel real.
1 Like
Hi becca . How are you ? I haven’t been on for a little while as I haven’t been great and not coping with life
.
I know grief is still hitting us all and especially hard for you it sounds . I know what you mean regards it seeming no one really asks how you are / flowers etc. I am same and like you I think I was to message someone I’m struggling they would show an interest but the world just moves on after a few weeks and your left alone with the pain and heartache
We finally got the pathologists report Thursday and the amount of things mum had wrong we didn’t really know about , I don’t think she really did she just took tablets given for them
And never really told us but reading the report it’s amazing she lived as long as she did
I got a phone call from the coroner a month ago roughly and she said they had found a tiny trace of cocaine and although they wasn’t accusing anyone the pathologist asked could I explain it ? It blown me away and said look we ain’t that kind of family no one touches drugs and if somehow they did without my knowledge I’d like to think it wouldn’t be done around my mum but I know it wasn’t possible with me being her full time carer . So I’ve had to hide that report from family even knowing it couldn’t be possible but in case I got accused . Well an up to date report they apologised for the finding and said there wasn’t a trace of cocaine in mum and more than likely picked up from a previous post mortem ! They apologised but seriously ? How the hell
Mums final cause of death was an artery issue stopping the blood flow but it was such a hard read and has brought it back so painful
I miss her every day like yday but god I’m so happy she isn’t suffering anymore xx
1 Like
I just don’t get it when people say I’m here if you need me I’ve allways kept my problems to myself growing up there’s stuff I never even told mum as she had enough of her own worries, when mum passed away everyone was like don’t forget I’m here if you need me if I can’t help myself I’m not going to ask for help from anyone else knowing most of them were grieving also, I had to reach out for professional help before I did something stupid that was it really and I do have a cousin who I confide in, but really close family I can’t, sometimes think they look at me and think you should be over this now why are you not back at work, well simple answer, I’m not over it I never will be I’m not coping, can just about get up, can just about look after my own girls, but I can’t get the words out the tears just flow, I haven’t cried in a couple of days and I’m now sobbing.
1 Like
I get that. I am not good at asking for help. I have heard back from my friend this morning. It was an ok reply. But she has had to cancel tonight 
.
I don’t know how to face work today. No one really cares.
I made some millionaire shortbread and it was a disaster. The biscuit base crumbled . The other cake is ok though.
I am so very very tired.
