deborah, thank you for the encouraging words. it reminds me of how courageous my mum was, all those years raising me by herself when my dad passed. i miss her so much.
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Maybe we notice it more now? But I agree, both about the cold and the silence. I keep the radio and the TV on, I can’t stand it otherwise. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because this time I’m alone. Hugs. 
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i’m glad we’re in the same boat no matter how rocky and leaky it may be. hugs to you too.
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So I’m home now from hospital felt anxious all day waiting for op as it’s the same hospital mum passed away in and the same operating ward she used to go every year to have her op to remover cancer from her bladder, finally got to theatre and near had a panic attack was crying nurse asked was I ok told her the story which made it worse couldn’t stop then this week has just been so rough came home to find my partner had put my tree etc up so now I’m sat here looking at it which just reminds me more that Christmas day is near here and I feel sick, Dr gave me medication to help with anxiety and depression think I need to start taking it was too scared before but I can’t go on like this xx
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hello lucy, good to have you back home safe and sound. i think many of us are in a bad way now with the cold season and holiday noises. i hope you get better soon from the op. hugs to you
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Thankyou and hugs to you to and everyone else who is feeling upset recently I just see everyone enjoying themselves and rightly they should be but it’s just a constant reminder im going to be looking at an empty chair next week at the head of the table next to where I would sit and I’m dreading it the closer it gets xx
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Im glad youre home safe Lucy, but it sounds like youve really been through the wringer! You must be both physically and emotionally exhausted. I hope you can take it easy the next few days and let your partner take care of you? X
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Glad the op went well, though it must have been heartwrenching for you. We’re all in the same place, apparently. It’s the winter and that annoying Christmas. Medication can be of use, at least temporarily, so don’t be scared of it, just take care and up the dose slowly if you need to.
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Same here, though of course sad that we both have to be in the boat at all.
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I hope you all take this in the nicest way possible and I wish from the bottom of my heart you wasn’t suffering the pain I am but having this helps. But yes totally devastated and can’t begin to imagine my mum not here Xmas day I really can’t . I just can’t get past her passing away the one time my friends take my away for a break for the first time in two years . I shouldn’t have left her I can’t forgive myself I really can’t . X
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Yeah Christmas is not a great time of year to be honest for many reasons especially this year losing more , I took the medication for the first time last night and it knocked me right out just woke up 7am don’t remember waking up in the night feel a bit spaced out this morning I think painkillers are in order as I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus or something x
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Thanks @Ally6 but if I stop and rest I start overthinking everything if I keep busy if my body will let me I shouldn’t have time to think xx
How do we forgive ourselves? I don’t know right now. In my mind you have nothing to forgive yourself for, you couldn’t know, but like the things I feel guilty about I suspect it doesn’t help hearing it from others, we still feel like we did wrong. Maybe time will ease it, maybe if we hear it enough times, but it really sucks to struggle with the guilt and it’s hard to cope.
Struggling so much today. It’s dark outside and pitchblack inside me. Anyone else feeling that too?
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@Ulma sorry you feel like this. It’s so hard and this time of year does not make it easy for you.
I just want to hide away from everyone.
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Ulma, stay warm and hydrated. Only you can change your state of mind. You have the strength to do it. You have to muster up the courage to be kind to yourself. We can all do this if we allow ourselves. Hugs for you
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Thanks, Peter. I certainly don’t feel like a have an ounce of strength left. It’s not having anyone in my life to really be a support through this too, which I think makes it worse. I’ve never been any good at picking myself up, as it were.
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Thank you. Yes, me too. I wish us both better times.
ulma, self-pity and gratitude are flip-sides of the same coin. we have to choose to be grateful for the time and moments we shared with our mums and dads. choosing the former gives us absolutely nothing but more misery.
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Ive found many times over the last couple of years that gratitude genuinely has a really transformative effect on the mind - even in the most challenging times i would try and take time to reflect on what i could be grateful for. Just to be clear, its NOT a case of " youve got all these things to be grateful for, why are you feeling sad/angry etc " . Those emotions are still absolutely justified because they’re YOURS. But by just stopping to find even one small thing to be grateful for like a sunny day or a delicious cup of coffee or a text from a friend, it does something to the brain . (Hope that makes sense). Update: just googled it - apparently it releases serotonin and dopamine! 
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