I am so sorry @Braddy2905 to hear you found yourself in such a bad place. I am glad to hear you are getting the right help now. Sending you lots of love 
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Thank you all for your lovely and kind words it genuinely means a lot
Excuse a couple of spelling mistakes I made in my last post I really should check first …
I always knew losing my mum would be hard but it became even harder for me after the 2 and a half years I spent caring for her 24/7 i just feel like I’ve lost not only my mum but my best friend .
I’m sure I speak for us all when I say how much we miss them and wish we could have them back in our lives x
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@Braddy2905 thank you so much for being brave and sharing your experience, here. We’re so glad that you’re back with us. 
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Hi Braddy2905,
You may not realise it but you have inspired a lot of people on here who have been touched by your words, and with sharing what happened to you. Hold your head up high Braddy because you have been through such a heartbreaking experience. Am so happy you now have the help you need.
Keep going because its onwards and upwards now.
Keep posting because your lovely friends on here will help you so much.
Deborah x
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Absolutely - today is the anniversary of my Dads death and its the first one without my Mum here as well so its been really, really tough 
Ive been reading through old letters they wrote me to try and not spend all the time in tears, but I’ve just felt like Ive been abandoned 
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Oh my goodness @Braddy2905 I’m not sure what to say only that you are very brave for admitting what you tried to do I really feel for you as I’ve been to that very dark place contemplating what my next move was, I’m glad you eventually got the help and support you need and that your on the right road don’t be hard on yourself people grieve in different ways, it’s been 6 1/2months since my mum passed away I still miss her so much and it took me all that time to be able to smile again to go back to work to make plans with my girls to be me again when I look in the mirror don’t get me wrong it hasn’t been easy to get where I am now I’ve had 12 weeks of bereavement counselling my counsellor was amazing she helped me to unravel everything going on inside my head and now I can actually think clearly for the first time in a long time and I’m proud of myself for accepting that it’s ok to not be ok, I wish you well xx
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Please don’t be ashamed, you shouldn’t feel shame when it was because you were hurting so badly and being so lost. 
It’s incredibly brave of you to share and I’m glad you have found proper help and support. And that you’re on here again, talking to us. Take care of yourself. Lots of love and hugs.
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Again all thank you so much for your lovely words of support . I don’t think without seeing a grief counsellor I’d be able to talk so openly but she as been brilliant for me and I think it helps speaking to someone with no family connections .
It’s nice to be back on here as your amazing people it’s just a shame such sadness and heartbreak brings us all here x
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If you don’t mind me asking , what is it the councillor did/said that made you feel better ?
I only ask as I had therapy for depression a few years ago and it really helped , by delving deep into my past and how it was affecting my thoughts , then came up with ways to deal with the negative thoughts etc .
However now I have lost my wife I can’t think what a therapist could say/do , as they can’t bring her back nor will they be able to stop me missing her so much ??
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Having bereavement counselling has helped me so mum with the loss of my mum I was able to just let everything out Infront of her as I wasn’t able to tell my family how I was feeling, my head was a mess I was in a very dark place I was suppressing everything Infront of my family and I couldn’t see a way forward she helped me unravel everything in my head, she helped me deal with my emotions that it was ok for me to grieve I felt so safe with her I just told her everything about my mum before and after the tremendous pressure I was under the anger I felt the guilt I felt the heartbreak everything it just all came out, I’m now back at work after taking 4 months off I’m able to look at myself in the mirror now and see me not a stranger I’m coping better she taught me it’s ok to not be ok that all the things I was feeling was normal and not to be hard on myself and although I think of my mum every minute of every day I’m able to talk about her now without breaking down and yes I still have a long road ahead and I do have good and bad days but I’m able to deal with my emotions better now, so having the one to one councilling really helped and I’d recommend it as they are trained specifically in bereavement x
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I’ve had a really bad day in work today very busy and very stressful and basically come home feeling down in the dumps as someone said something to me that made me feel useless I want my mum I miss her so much I need a hug from her. Then this just popped up on my social media and I’ve just sobbed my heart out.
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Beautiful words. It would have been my my mums 91st birthday today and those words sum up exactly how i am feeling today Thank you for posting them
Deborah x
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Happy heavenly birthday to your Mum, Deborah- how have you spent the day? 
Im sorry youve had a rotten day Lisa - when something happens to upset or unsettle us, our instinctive reaction is still that we just want to reach out for our Mums!
Bad day for me too - too complicated to explain but really struggling with feeling unsupported by my closest and oldest friend. 
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Sending lots of love and hugs to everyone. It’s so hard when we face set backs as it makes us want our loved ones even more 
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Aww Ally6 thank you so much. I spent the day feeling so sad I couldn’t spoil mum on her birthday but bought some red roses for her and talked to her photo. Thats all I could do.
I have her ashes here with me so I feel she is with us at home here.
I hope whatever has caused you to feel unsupported by your friend. Thats why this site sis o lovely because we all understand one another. Its such a lifesaver.
Hope you feel better tom
Love Deborah x
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WHEN YOU SAY GOODBYE TO A PARENT
You are suddenly living in a whole new world.
You are no longer ‘the child’ and regardless of how long you have officially been ‘grown up’ for, you realise you actually never were until this moment. The shock of this adjustment will shake your very core.
When you have finally said goodbye to both your parents, assuming you were lucky enough to have had two. You are an orphan on this earth and that never, ever gets easier to take no matter how old and grey you are yourself and no matter how many children of your own you have.
You see, a part of your body is physically connected to the people that made it and also a part of your soul. When they no longer live, it is as if you are missing something practical that you need – like a finger or an arm. Because really, you are. You are missing your parent and that is something far more necessary than any limb.
And yet the connection is so strong it carries on somehow, no-one knows how exactly. But they are there. In some way, shape or form they are still guiding you if you listen closely enough. You can hear the words they would choose to say to you.
You can feel the warmth of their approval, their smile when a goal is achieved, their all-consuming love filling the air around you when a baby is born they haven’t met.
If you watch your children very closely you will see that they too have a connection with your parents long after they are gone. They will say things that resonate with you because it brings so many memories of the parent you are missing. They will carry on traits, thoughts and sometimes they will even see them in their dreams.
This is not something we can explain.
Love is a very mystical and wondrous entity.
It is far better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and grief, grief is the price of that love. The deeper the love the stronger the grief.
When you say goodbye to a parent, do not forget to connect with that little girl who still lives inside you somewhere.
Take very good care of her, for she, she will be alone and scared.
When you say goodbye to your parents, you lose an identity, a place in the world. When the people who put you on this earth are no longer here, it changes everything.
Look after yourself the way they looked after you and listen out for them when you need it the most.
They never really leave.
Donna Ashworth
From my poetry collection
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words that are so spot on
Deborah x
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My son was talking to me today and he said he still can’t believe his Nan is dead
My mom was loved so much it has hurt us all so much. All I have done this bank holiday is sleep in between doing stuff. It’s ridiculous.
I am going to a bereavement group again this week. Everything in my world is really confusing right now.
I don’t know if I have said this but I am also on the autistic spectrum (as is my daughter) so it just makes life so hard to navigate. And the unfairness of my mom dying just eats away at me.
I thought that when I first read it with tears in my eyes, I’ve had a sob today as well feel a bit down x
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