Hi Lisa,
When I read poems and readings they always get to me. I think they are so emotional. You start thinking back then that’s it the tears start. I very often have to read them several times before I take the words in.
It’s the price we pay for loving them so much.
Hope you are ok.
Sending love
Deborah x
I have hardly slept. I feel so sick today.
I just kept seeing my mom in my head and thinking about it all.
Thinking about the day she got taken into hospital not knowing that she would never come home.
Thinking about the day she died and how she asked to come home.
I can’t make sense of it all 
Aww Becca_d,
I resonate with all you just posted.When my mum went into hosp in the ambulance I never thought in a million years that was it. If I had I would never have taken her in. I wasn’t allowed to bring her home until 3 weeks later but it was too late then after they had starved her on end of life. I had no rights whatsoever ever and bi feel sick whenever I think about the whole experience and have flashbacks which are the worst things ever.
Just want you to know I am thinking of you.
Deborah x
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Thank you @seychelles i am so sorry that you feel this too.
I am struggling a lot today with flashbacks. I just want to sleep it off. But I am at work.
I just wish I could hold my mom’s hand one more time. If they had done their job properly she could have been at home and had a peaceful death.
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Could you go home sick? I’m also feeling rubbish, today. Not sure exactly why, but I’m very tired, and there have been 2 triggers, I suppose, in work:
-
my boss exclaimed that the NHS is brilliant, because she managed to convince them not to discharge her daughter who has had cancer, but to give her a follow up in a year’s time. I felt as though her exclamation was a little tone deaf, and disrespectful towards the other boss, who she knows lost his dad through medical negligence.
-
The boss who lost his dad (and mum) had his last weekly meeting with us all, today. My heart breaks for him, having lost both within 3 years.
I miss my daddikins
I know. I really understand and feel so much like you do
Deborah x
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I am lay in bed thinking about my mom. Thinking if only I knew that the last birthday she had would be her last, Christmas, Mother’s Day. The ones that were her last. I would have done extra special things, crated some memories. I feel so robbed of those last times.
I took my dad out today, he is having knee issues, he had some steroid injections last month but they didn’t work. Now he is really struggling to walk. It breaks my heart and I am so worried. Taking him back to dr next week.
I just want life to be carefree for a bit. My head needs a break.
Feels like it’s been a while since I was on here just been so busy with hospital appointments between me and my dad this past week had my 2nd lot of infusions today probably won’t feel the benefit for a couple of weeks yet, I’ve been thinking a lot about my mum last few days things I’d love to tell but can’t I’m really missing her felt really emotional this past week, just had so much going on, my youngest daughter was in a dance show at Liverpool’s largest theatre the empire in Liverpool last Sunday I could just see my mum watching her and being so proud, things she’ll never see, never seeing them grow up it’s so sad, all the things she will miss I just wish she was here to see it all especially the baby my niece is having due 2 days after my mum’s 1st anniversary it will be sadness and joy all in the same week, I sit looking at my dad and he has aged so much since mum died it’s sad, he sits there in a world of his own sometimes and I know he’s thinking of her and how much he is missing her. We all are every minute of every day and my heart just aches for her.
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Hi Becca_d,
It’s awful how we look back and think I wish I had done this or that. At the time whatever we did was enough but somehow now it doesn’t feel like it was. I feel the same as you.I strongly believe that time was always the best gift we could have given. And you did that like I did so your mum would have been so grateful to you.
Take your dad back to the GP and keep on until you get your dad sorted. Your mum would be do proud of the way you are caring for him
Love to you
Deborah x
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@Lisa_L51 is just so hard isn’t it. Life seems to be such a hard slog and you think ‘will I ever feel any kind of relief’.
My dad seems to have aged too, it’s so hard to watch.
I hope you start to feel better soon from the infusion xx
Thanks @seychelles I have got him a Dr appointment next week. I will be going with him.
I have woke up just feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. I really don’t want to go to work today.
I just wish I had more time with my mom. There is just so much I want to say. We didn’t get chance to make any more special memories. I am just heartbroken
Hi Becca_d,
I understand how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you.
Are you able to have more time off work? Do you think this is something you could look into ?
Deborah x
I can’t really have anymore time off work. I just had a massive set back at work to deal with, i didn’t get a promotion that was basically what I do on a daily basis, it went to a senior leader in one of our other schools. The job was based on a proposal I sent to the principal earlier this year. He is messing me about with my role and now I just don’t know where I fit in.
Aww Becca_d,
I used to be a Headteacher and I understand how you must feel. You are going through such a traumatic time with grief that having all that in work also to deal with is too much
I had numerous interviews in my career and didn’t get the job. It’s sad for a while and you feel all sorts of emotions but looking back for me each one I didn’t get was actually for the best because something far better came along eventually.
It will get the same for you.
Use the experience to learn from it and show them you are not bothered. You are young so there will get plenty of better opportunities out there.
It was probably something tiny that didn’t get you the promotion so don’t beat yourself up anymore.
When I didn’t get jobs someone said well it’s their loss and you know what those words are very true.
I remember going for a teaching job once and didn’t get it and I almost changed direction and almost gave up because I was so hurt. Anyway luckily I didn’t as I loved working with children so much .
I got my teaching job then deputy then Head then school inspector.
So rise above all that’s been thrown at you ok ,carry on until something better comes your way either at the school where you are now or at another school .
The world is your oyster as my mum used to say and if I can do it so can you
Hold your head up high, go into work today and start looking for job vacancies asap. Don’t let one little interview drag you down more than it has ok.
You are in control so believe in yourself and you can achieve anything
Sending love to you.
Deborah x
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I aired my thoughts to my line manager today, who is the head teacher. He totally understood where I was coming from and said everything was valid. They bend over backwards for teachers and give them opportunities, but there is nothing for support staff. I am the only person who does my job & I am a specialist. I have nearly finished my Level 6 diploma in the field which is basically a bachelors degree. I just wanted it so badly and feel so hurt. It’s like another loss (which I know sounds dramatic)
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Well done Becca. You did the right thing. I also let it be known how disappointed I was when I didn’t get a promotion, and I can remember how concerned and on edge they were, in that meeting 
. I was glad, because they deserved to know, just like your line manager did, too.
I was tempted to speak out this week about how 1 or 2 people in work made me feel a bit 
but I decided against it. I know that they are good people, and they like and respect me, and it was just a case of them being busy and stressed, and me feeling sensitive, and the communication being written rather than face to face (Teams conversation and an email).
Anyway, well done for speaking out. It doesn’t sound dramatic to me - I needed a lot of consoling when I didn’t get the promotion (which was after a 3-month temporary acting up phase), and back then I was whole and complete, because I still had my dad 
.
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Hi Becca_d,
No you are not being dramatic at all.
I am so glad you managed to talk it through with the Head.
Have you thought about training to be a teacher. Just a thought.
Can you ask if there’s any money coming into the school specifically for non teaching staff to be trained on anything that would be suitable for you. Are there any opportunities for you to do any management training or courses. I am just thinking of ways to help you.
Deborah x
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Thank you @seychelles. I do not want to be a teacher. For my role you don’t need to be a teacher you just need to Level 6 qualified, I have almost finished the qualification. I have made my feelings known so will wait and see what happens. I am the only careers specialist in the trust, I just lack the strategic experience but I am learning what in my course.
I feel so exhausted today emotionally and physically.
Hi Becca_d,
You have done really well today.
It was a lot to get through emotionally.
Rest over the weekend and be proud of yourself.
Deborah x
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