Grief is so exhausting

[Ally6]

The funeral was ok thanks @Burgled - i was worried that being in the same place as Mums, it would trigger some upsetting flashbacks, but my brain switched into self preservation mode and i couldnt access my emotions all day - (the same happened on the day of mums funeral, it was like someone flicked a switch). The service was very different as he had no religious beliefs, so instead of hymns they played his favourite music, and there were some lovely photos at the wake.

Heres some flowers im going to put by Mum and Dads wedding photo, and I’ll also take some down to the cemetery tomorrow. Mums wedding bouquet was red roses and lily of the valley- i couldnt get lily of the valley so opted for gypsophila, and swapped the red roses for pink ones to go with the sweet williams which i know mum liked 🩷

How are you doing - have they come back with a date for your counselling yet?

[Burgled]

Oh gosh really, so you were able to bury/conceal your emotions, to some extent, at both funerals. That’s a useful skill to have - I remember the raw emotions surging through me, and my voice shaking as I tried to sing through tears, at my dad’s service.

Were the funerals held in a religious venue? My grandma’s funeral was very religious, but my grandad’s celebration of life had no religious aspect at all. It was as they each wanted.

The flowers are truly beautiful . Flowers mean, and say, so much.

Yes, thank you - I had my first counselling session on Monday. It seemed helpful, but I can’t exactly pinpoint why. She just seemed to listen well, repeat back to me the important points I was making, and ask questions which helped me to see clearly, I suppose.

In other news, I’ve received and scanned through my dad’s hospital notes, which took me right back, emotionally, to the week when he was in ICU. The staff have to record discussions had with the family, and it’s clear from reading it that I fought hard for my dad.

In other other news I’m making strides to spend some of the time at my own house, after 6 months at my mum’s. Tonight is the second night in a row that I’m at mine, and we’ve decided that in the coming weeks I’ll stay with my mum during the week (and work from home at hers) but stay at mine on the weekends. Initially I didn’t feel comfortable being at mine, because it was where my dad and I bonded further - he helped me move in, he did lots of work on the house, and he really enjoyed coming over. But I’m now able to appreciate the space and quiet that being here gives me.

[Burgled]

My dad’s notes say that he was an ex-smoker, when in fact he was a proud never-smoker, and encouraged my mum to quit when they met. Can/should I tell the hopsital? I know they have bigger fish to fry, but it’s annoying me keep reading it.

[Ulma]

If it annoys you, tell them. Otherwise it might always annoy you that you didnt. Especially since it’s blatantly wrong.

[Lisa_L51]

The flowers are beautiful @Ally6 I love roses and gypsophila, my mum loved her flowers especially her little garden she had made at the front of her house me and my sister have just tidied it all up and planted flowers it’s a shame my mum’s not here to see it we hadn’t touched it since she got sick, I reckon she was looking down cursing us that we hadn’t kept it nice but it’s all done now ready for summer we also tidied her small flowers at the back of the house as well so now my dad can look out the window and see her garden brought back to life, I can’t wait to see it all in bloom x

[Lisa_L51]

I’ve not really been on here much lately I’ve been up and down it was 7 whole months yesterday since my mum left us and it’s gone by in a whirlwind but I pick myself up every day and carry on, my kids have been talking about their nan a bit lately it’s been nice to hear them talk about her whilst I hold back the tears that she is not here to see them I’ve been a bit emotional this past week every little thing sets me off, think my hormones are through the roof at the moment x

[Becca_d]

It’s all just a difficult time. We are all just trying to survive and navigate our way through this new world.

I just look at pictures of my mom and can’t believe that she isn’t here.

I am still so angry and on top of that I am angry with work. I just want to scream at someone. But there is no one to scream at.

[Ulma]

I sometimes fall quiet because I feel I can’t perk up and be positive. Every day is still a bad day and I’m just repeating myself, which isn’t encouraging for anyone. I wish it was easier for all of us and send hugs to everyone.

[Becca_d]

@Ulma i can totally relate to that. Some days are just too much effort to talk or type. Sending hugs back to you x

[Becca_d]

We’ve been away for the weekend with my family. First time the seven of us have been away. It was lovely, but just highlighted the reality of my mom not being there. We talked about her a lot. My daughter said she just kept thinking she would come into the room. She said she hadn’t felt grief like this. My heart just breaks. How am I supposed to help my kids & dad navigate all of this. My kids are 22 & 23 so they have so many happy memories with my mom. I just feel like I am never going to get over this.

[Lisa_L51]

We all know exactly how your feeling as we are all trying to navigate our grief I’ve really felt down this week had episodes were the tears have just flowed Ive sat looking at her picture this week and I’ve had a few flashbacks of that day in the hospital, but I’m determined it’s not going to take me back to that dark dark place I’ve come to far for that, the councillor did say I’d get times were I’m at the top of that rollercoaster and I’d come down but the bumps would not be as big as before my hormones have been a bit messed up this past month think I’m perimenopausal or it could just be the medication messing with everything x

[Becca_d]

I haven’t cried for ages. Just feel numb. I have so much fear inside me about who will die next. I am terrified of my dad dying. He gets so down, especially as his mobility is not good. He feels like such a burden to us all. Breaks my heart.

[Lisa_L51]

I’ve been staying with my dad whilst kids are off school my youngest who’s 12 is an absolute nightmare with her attitude I’m currently downstairs having a coffee alone because she doesn’t want to sleep in same room as me she gets angry and verbally lashes out at me and I’ve had enough of her, she can be so horrible untill she wants something from me then I give in.

[Burgled]

Oh no, that’s a lot to manage @Lisa_L51

Could she stay with a friend, to give you some peace?

[Burgled]

I know @Becca_d it makes you hyperalert to any changes in their health. Since losing dad I have been very active in monitoring and trying to manage my mum’s high blood pressure. The surgery didn’t follow national guidelines, and instead of adding a drug they substituted the one that she was on, and her BP rose significantly. Now thay want to do another substitution, to a drug which is meant to be less effective in people over the age of 55. I wrote to the original GP and have since written to the on duty GP because I really think that they are handling it badly, and I’m worried.

[Lisa_L51]

No it’s fine I can deal with her tantrums just about, the best thing is to walk away from her till she calms down she eventually apologises she knows she’s in the wrong when she does it I think she has been struggling a bit since she lost her nan her best friend and her hormones are kicking in so I just have to hope she grows out of it as she can be so loving when she wants to be.

[Burgled]

We miss my daddikins so much . I’m so glad that I can work from home, at my mum’s house, every day, and stay here as much as I want to. Last week I spent 3 nights in a row at mine. It was quite good. But I’m not staying there again until my mum’s BP is under control. And then, eventually (when other, more pressing issues have been resolved) I’ll get it ready to put on the market, and buy somewhere closer to mum and my brother. It’s only about 1.5 miles away, but it’s the opposite side of town, and my mum doesn’t drive.

I went downstairs just now and asked my mum how she is. Then I asked how she really is. I told her she can talk to me, and she said there’s not much to say, is there. She’s right. We all know how each other is feeling, roughly speaking. We miss my bright, bubbly, silly dad. Right now, he’d be out in the garden, with his baseball cap on. He’d pop in now and then for a brew and to watch the weather forecast. You can’t interrupt him when he’s watching the weather . And then mum would always say that when she asks him for the forecast, he can never recall what they said .

He’d also be making a fuss of my cat, and giving her names like “pussel wussel” which I continue to call her, in his honour/memory.

When I went away, my dad would look after my cat, at my house. But he went above and beyond . He didn’t just come in and feed her and then leave. He’d sit and keep her company, and listen to the radio with her, and watch TV with her. He’d also invariably stock up her food, and probably fix something in my house, too. And he’d give me lovely email updates about what happened when he went to see her.

If ever I was flying anywhere long haul, he’d send me email updates, telling me what country I was flying over. I told him last time I came back from Australia that we get that info in flight but that it’s so lovely to receive it from him too, knowing that he was tracking me. He tracked my train journeys, too, and would more often than not turn up at the station to collect me.

[Lisa_L51]

Aww it’s horrible isn’t it I still wake up of a morning and think I’m going to see my mum again until it hits me all over again that she’s not here my dad misses her so much me and the kids have stayed there this week I think quietly he’s loved the company I’d move in tomorrow if the house was big enough it’s like living back home but without mum, I’ve started going through her stuff now looking to see what to keep and what to part with we are just over 7 months since we lost mum and it still doesn’t seem real at times but I can talk about her now without having a meltdown we’ve done her garden front and back and it’s looking nice now, I know she’d be happy we done it the way she used to she loved her little garden she made in the front. Life is so cruel you spend your life loving someone and them loving you back and then they are taken away from you and you have to go through so much pain emotionally and mentally x

[Becca_d]

Sorry you are all having a rough time. I am exhausted with it all. I had my bereavement group session this morning and then a counselling session. I just feel angry, sad, confused. So many emotions.

[Lisa_L51]

I literally went through all those emotions when I was having my counselling it’s normal Becca you will then start dealing with them one by one as they start unraveling inside your head my head is a lot clearer now, I’m doing quite well I still have the odd day where I want and need to be by myself and the kids know to leave me to it. I’m able to make plans now with out feeling guilty and although I have the biggest hole in my heart where my mum should be im almost back to being me just a different version but I’m laughing and smiling again and a lot will be happening we have a new baby coming into the family in October something to really look forward too x