Oh Les I do understand. I saw my daughter today for the first time in weeks. She lives a few hours drive away. She cried and said that she feels she should be there for me. I realised at that moment that she can’t be. I am alone in myself. No one can help me if they haven’t been there and I hope she doesn’t have to go there for many years yet. The loneliness and yearning is in ourselves and at present nothing and no one can fill that void. I dislike the sunny days. The days that we would sit in the garden and chat, drink a glass of wine. I look at the now unused barbecue and wonder if I shall ever want people to share a lovely day with. Roll on winter when I can hide away without making excuses. Just walk my dog and see other dog walkers. Many of them alone like me.
Sue was coming home on the Friday but had a setback and died on the following Wednesday. Like you prefer the colder days when I can convince myself it’s OK to hide away. Sunny days force me to consider brightness but I prefer to close the curtains and wallow in my grief at the moment! Pathetic, I know! 7 weeks in the morning!! How do I get through the night?
You get through the night breath by breath and by doing anything that helps. It’s different for different people. I go for a drive out into the countryside so I’m away from where it happened. I know others on here light a candle. It just depends what you feel slightly more comfortable with. Sending hugs
Many thanks x
bishopoldenglish,
I am not as strong and profound as you think I am, I struggle every day and night, just to get through the next hour, and put one foot in front of the other is an enormous effort, some days I don’t manage it, I’m in bits, others I do, that is my life from now on, never knowing what the day will be like, how I will cope, somehow I do, by holding onto what my husband and I had together, I am blessed to have known, and had him in my life, I promised him I do the best I can, that is where my determination comes from, as for courage, I don’t feel it, my confidence isn’t what it used to be, because my rock is no longer with me .
I hope you soon find your own way to cope with your grief, take care,
hugs Chrissy3
nidrigirl,
Your words rang so true in me, The loneliness and yearning is in ourselves and nothing and no one can fill that void. Keep talking and walking the dog, helping others like me and yourself at the same time, bless you. Hugs Chrissy3
Hi Chrissy
As you say I also struggle to move even! I feel haunted by the thought of death at all times. marked Sue’s passing (word I hate) at 8.45 am with candle in front of her picture.
Thank you so much xx
Dont know how to cope. Neglecting the 5 pets we have!! Nothing seems to matter!
Just feel so alone and unable to exist!!
So sorry to burden you!
Dear bishopoldenglish
You are not a burden to anyone. This is a painful journey to walk. Some days like today will feel like an impossible mountain to climb. I am approaching the first year of my husband’s death. The days are getting harder after a short intermission of thinking I was going to be able to cope somehow. Just take an hour at a time if that is all you can manage. Things will still be so raw and grief takes us on a rollercoaster every day. Please give a friend or family member a call and perhaps get out with the five pets (sorry I am assuming they are dogs) for a short break from the house that will be so full of memories I am sure. And continue posting there are so many of us who understand your struggles and try and give support through this forum as best we can.
Thanks so much. I cant read all your message coz it hurtrs so much
Sometimes I dont feel my head belongs to me. Just miss sueXXXX
I’ve been out of town staying with my sister and her husband. We had my husband’s gravesite headstone unveiling. A lovely but heart wrenching ceremony. I’ve been with them 6 weeks now. Going home tomorrow. This is such a strange journey. They kept me busy sightseeing and such. My breakdowns were few. Diversion really helps. But now I have to return to my home tomorrow and when I walk through the door and he’s not there, the tears will flow. On top of that, his one year anniversary is October 23. And the pain goes on.
Dear Barb11
I will be thinking of you in October.
Our grandsons keep me occupied most days but then have to return to the empty house and the tears just flow so I understand.
Sheila
Dear bishopoldenglish
Grief does this. I too sometimes feel as if I am looking in on someone’s else’s pain and that I only have to turn around and my husband will still be with me sitting opposite and smiling. I only keep going for our kids and grandson’s. I want to ensure that the grandson’s know everything about their granda. I booked a cottage and took the whole family so that my son and his kids could start to make holiday memories as we had done with our son and daughter. The first day we scattered my husband’s ashes on one of the beaches - so that when we revisit we can think that the sun shining down on us is his smile and the breeze is his touch. Have been back several times alone and not going to lie it is heartbreaking.
Thanks Sheila. I know you understand and that’s comforting to me.
Barbara
XXXXXXX I just cry wit it all!
.it been a hard week for me, this nice weather doesn’t help, when l am at work l feel in a. Bubble on the outside looking in it just alfull ….and l am so grief stricken sometimes, l think just wait til you will lose someone… l guess l am. Jealous…
I had planned to do the same. I have booked a cottage for New Year in Cornwall for us all. Half of Vic’s ashes would be scattered here where we spent so many family years. Then I would take him to Greece where we spent a decade on a small island. We have many friends there who want to sat their own goodbyes. However I have a rescue dog who has a lot of problems. She is almost blind and very scared of strangers. The family are not happy about spending a week with her. What they don’t realise is that she has rescued me. Without her I don’t think I would have managed to survive these awful months. She can’t go into kennels and no one else would have her over the festive season. So I am cancelling Cornwall and driving down to Greece with her in the spring, Covid allowing. Just more grief on top of it all.