Hi Nicky
So sorry for your loss and the pain. After some 10 weeks of feeling really tortured I felt I had had enough of being at the mercy of the misery and decided I was going to cry less. Not try and not think of Helen, my wife, but instead try and replace the painful memory causing the pain by recalling the good memories.
I also made extra prints of photos of Helen and put them in every room so I could look at her smile - she had a lovely smile. I reckon we must all go through periods of feeling very sorry for ourselves, it is so very natural, but her smile brings me out of myself and, sometimes, I canāt help smiling too.
Different things work at different times. I reckon though that getting some sort of handle on the grief and not feeling so much at its mercy can help to feel that you have some control over life - yes, not enough or enough of the time but its may be a start to coming to terms with our loss.
Hi im drawn to this site because it definitely helps me .I live alone im not ready in the slighest to fit in with so called normal people they dont understand and some say hurtful things like .O i thought youd be over Denise by now ggggrrrrrr
Hi Colin nobody knows the pain you go through until it happens to them, itās 5 weeks now since my hHusband died, I cannot see any light coming back into my life, some days I feel so desolate without him . Iām taking one day at a time but itās so hard to get through each day ,this site does help because everyone understands kind regards Lambie
Hi, thanks for your reply, yes we are all in it together and itās just so horrible and so painful. I know what you mean about not knowing whether to dwell on it or not. I find that I very occasionally stop thinking about it, for which I am thankful, and yet I donāt really - itās there all the time, my life feels so different all the time, more than I could ever have imagined. I do a lot of staring into space, sometimes I just feel nothing, and other times I just sob uncontrollably. I donāt try to blot it out, I try to just go with how Iām feeling at the time, which isnāt easy if you have to do other things like go shopping or going to work. I have to keep conversations light, because if I admit any part of how Iām feeling I break down and itās not just a bit of tearfulness, my voice goes and I canāt speak, so I just say Iām fine and change the subject. Iām sure everyone thinks āwell she seems to be taking it wellā, but Iām just trying to protect myself. When Iām at home alone I often just start crying silently while Iām doing something else, almost without thinking about it, I sort of forget Iām doing it and then a tear drops onto something and surprises me. I know that sounds really pathetic but thatās what keeps happening, like some sort of overflow or safety valve. It feels like an illness, maybe we should think of it that way, like we have an illness that is going to make us very unwell for a couple of years and that after that we wonāt be cured but weāll have organised our lives around it. Sorry Iām rambling (and crying!) Hope youāve had an ok day
I relate to so much of this, particular the idea that grief/grieving is an illness. If I had to describe how I feel now, 28 weeks after my soul mate died, I would say that it feels like Iām recovering from a brain injury ( hope this doesnāt offend anybody).
I know that when I got to the 3 month mark and was still crying all day I really didnāt believe I would, or could, stop crying. But since then I have had occasional days when I donāt cry ( even had two days in a row this month) and I can spend time in company with feeling choked all the time. So there is progress and I think itās good to see it as dealing with an illness or injury that needs time and care to recover, or repair from.
But I had a horrible crying session last night and I miss him more today than I did all those months ago. I feel lonely and so sad for him that he has been denied a life, that his heart failure was so random and unfair and that he was so brave and died far , far too young.
I really want to pull myself together and live my life in honour of him, but itās so bloody hard.
Hi Moz,
You are not pathetic what you are going through is normal,I couldnāt stop crying in the first two months in front of people, now I can hold them back whilst talking to people but when they have gone I just burst into tears.When people ask me how I feel I used to say fine and I thought what a stupid thing to say Iām not fine, so now i say Iām surviving,and people can add to that or not. itās so true what you said regards treating this like an illness and we wonāt be cured but we will build our lives around it,I see it like that too when I am having a better day.we need to give our selfās time to heal and take one day at a time for now.take care
Hi the happy people in society just cant grasp the horror we are all going through .Yes they mean well but i myself want to tell people of my loss .To them a bad day is a cold or headache .The people on this wonderful site are in a completely different world .Theyll understand when they jolin this site where the entrance fee is death.Hold back but on a braveface no i certainly do not .But i avoid people now because the phrase hi how are you doing swhen i give them the truth the horror on there face .Ive set no tim e limit coming to this wonderful site .I live day by day and happy people cant grasp that to all the women and men who have paid the entrance fee a massive hug everyday Colin
Thanks for sharing, sounds like youāre having a healthy grief, if you get what I mean. Youāre making progress and 28 weeks is no time at all. Iām trying to keep life simple and give myself some peace. I think you have to look after yourself if you can. I have to work (no money!) but at the end of the day I try to sit by the fire and light some candles, eat nice food and watch some easy TV. I find I want to just stay at home in my little cocoon. I know I should go and spend some time with friends but I feel I need time alone to grieve, not in an unhealthy way, but in a way that feels like Iām honouring my husband, allowing myself time to be quiet and really think and to cry and face the loneliness and to give myself a break from being brave and let grief have itās way. It helps relieve my anxiety and tension. Everyone has different ways donāt you think?
Hi moz
Normally I am a very optimistic person in life and I hate to be defeated but this grief we all experience is just surreal.Something you just canāt imagine unless its experienced.Its the loneliness it feels like some sort of solitary confinement even in company.My best mate heās never got married or had long term relationship.Someone else I know been divorced twice and both quite happy.I cannot imagine life without a partner.
Like yourself I need some me time but find walking outdoors helps and joined a walking club.I have been off work for 3 months but with only a year to go till 65 my interest in work has wained and the truth of it is Heather and myself were counting the months till we retired.Take care Steve
HI Moz,
I felt and did what you are doing we need that time to grief and rest our bodies.Iāve heard it helps to get back to work, but would be nice if you could have a choice when to do this.I went out today with my daughter for the first time to a shopping centre I couldnāt wait to get back home to what I now call my sanctuary,lucky for me my daughter forgot her baby changing bag so we came back early.After a hectic but enjoyable morning with my grandaughter I am now restingā¦I agree you canāt be brave all the time which I assume you have to be at work but it helps with the grieving process to let it out.hope you have a peaceful evening
Hi louella
I find Iām crying less now but I still cry everyday and before I go to bed.my husband was taken way to early also he was 51 from a random heart attack,it is coming up to the 3 month mark for me,I to plan to live life for him but am no where near doing this yet and am scared for the future incase I canāt do it.we have a grandaughter, she is 5 months old who he wonāt see grow up it hurts me so much that he wonāt get to live the life he should of had, he was such a gentle kind loving and happy man I will miss him always, he is my one and only we were together for 29 years married for 26 .I agree with you it is so very hard to pull our selfās together.stay strong
Hi Steve, I agree with all of that, especially being alone even in company. Those friends who havenāt had a long marriage like we did donāt seem to understand the bond that develops. Itās like we grew up together and now Iāve been ejected at the end of it as a different person completely, and thatās all down to the years of life and having children that we went through side by side. Itās not just missing him, I feel disabled without him and totally unequipped to be alone.
I love walking too, and itās great for depression, trouble is at the moment I have a foot problem which is stopping me from going far, so Iām trying to motivate myself to go back to the gym, I stopped when Barry became ill as I practically lived at the hospital. I canāt be bothered though, whereas with walking I can just put my coat and shoes on and have a stroll around the block at least. I sometimes board dogs for a pet sitting company and that gets me out and lifts my mood.
You are not pathetic at all. I think the sadness catches us unawares, I remember some years ago when my mum had died, I just burst into tears at work for no apparent reason.
As we all read on here, grieve is different for us all.
Its good to cry, or so they say, it is getting the sadness and pain out. I find I cant cry, I cried a lot when first lost my husband. I think I am trying to block it out to a degree as I dont want to feel even more unhappy than I already do and plus I am trying to keep the depression under control.
I was interested to read about your anxiety, I too have been getting a lot of that. I feel quite vulnerable too and I hate when the anxiety kicks in as it just makes me feel worse.
Im glad you are staying active, I really have to push myself out the house at times. Im looking for work too as having all this time on my hands is making me feel worse.
When my husband died, I was working for him and on his death I lost my job also.
It has been quite a struggle sorting things out.
I try to take a day at a time but it isnt easy, I am hoping time will make it so.
Hello Skylark.
You have hit the nail on the head, āIt hurts me so much that he wonāt get to live the life he should have had. He was such a gentle, kind, loving and happy manā. That is what is causing me so, so, much anguish about my Husband. Warmest regards Tina.
Hi Tina,I just feel empty now another symptom I expect.My Daughter came for wk end with her baby,Iām exhausted forgot what hard work it was,but she is my little ray of sunshine at the moment.Iāve been watching avatar,we all went to the cinema together when it came out.hope your day wasnāt to bad,keep strong
Hi skylark
Sorry for your loss loss can relate to all what your saying reguarding your husband missing out on the growing up of your granddaughter.51 is no age my wife was 63 which is still no age today also died of sudden heart attack just over 3 months ago.My eldest grandchild 7 still asks about her and I just say sheās gone to the angels but the 4 year he just nods in agreement.I feel sheās been robbed but I try and stay strong for them .Best Regards Steve
HI Steve,Thankyou for your message Iām sorry you are going through this nightmare too. Iām glad in away my grandaughter is to young to know what happened to her grandad,but I shall defiantly be telling her all about him as she gets older.As each day passes I am becoming more aware that he has gone, (if that makes sense) not crying as much but bewildered and scared without him.take care.
Hi,
not been around for a few days, weekend etc family visiting, I am feeling a little stronger now, I was so tearful up from Sunday to Friday last week, but then the gloom lifted a bit, the pain is still there but the all encompassing grief has died down a little.I am now having a few good days, that was the first lot of bad days I have had and it was awful, when people said I would have bad days, I assumed 1 day then some good then a bad again, not four or five continually, it quite shocked me it went on for so long. Its things like that you are not told about. Now i have been through the first lot of bad days hopefully I will be aware next time.
I hope everyone managed to get through the weekend OK,
I have bought some 1000 piece jigsaws to do, I love doing them and hopefully it will keep my evenings occupied, anything to make the evenings a little shorter.
Hi skylark
After 41 years together 39 married barely spent a night apart except when we she gave birth to our first son a week in hospital I feel as though I am not functioning properly .Yes bewildered is a great word to describe the feeling or lost and I find it hits home when I am out and see older couples in there 70 s or 80 s together.We were 22 years old when we first got together just kids and you grow up together and seemed to fuse into one know one another inside out read thoughts even .To call it life changing is an understatement and it feels like some sort of a punishmentā¦Take care Steve
Hello Steve
All of a sudden the world is bigger, scarier and we seem to have no place in it. Life goes on around us but it feels like we are excluded.
Itās frightening and overwhelming. Warmest regards Tina