How could he do it

So many stories of parents losing their children to illness. My beautiful, gentle, vulnerable boy at 32 decided to end his life. Tbh I feel a bit of a fraud even signing up to this group, His death was self inflicted and there was no fight to survive, unlike so many here.
I’m also dead. My latest phrase to people when they ask how I am is, “I’m killing time” They only seem to ask me the once, lol. But it’s the truth. I’m on autopilot awaiting my fate, whether it be illness, old age, or death.
I honestly cannot see a way out of this very long and very dark tunnel.


I haven’t lost a child to suicide but there are lots of people here that have. I hope that admin link you to them. My daughter’s dad took his own life in Jul & I know how cruel it is to lose someone in that way. This site has helped me a lot, and I hope it helps you too. X C X

Maybe, we’ll see :pray:

Welcome to the community @misterhyde, it’s lovely to have you here. Firstly I just wanted to say that you deserve support through this. You mentioned that you feel like a fraud being here, but your feelings are completely valid and you matter too.

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I can really hear how much you miss him and how much he meant to you. I really hope you’re able to find some support through our online community here. Please do keep posting anytime you need someone to talk to, you are not alone in what you’re going through and there’s lots of caring people here to help you through this.

I wanted to link you to this thread here from @Paul42 who talks about their loss of their child which you might like to read.

Keep us updated with how you’re feeling, we’re all here for you :slight_smile:

@misterhyde I have recently lost my daughter, she also took her own life at 18 on the 23-November.

I find it incredibly difficult to accept as she had so many years ahead of her but unfortunitly she just could not see past the darkness she found herself in. I feel your pain.

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He had his whole life in front of him. A job of dreams, a loving family, physically as strong as an Ox.
It was the drugs and drink that caused psychosis and once paranoia set in there was no coming back from it. Nobody listened to me when I noticed things weren’t right. I’m angry with everyone, myself included

It was the same for our daughter, she was struggling with her mental health and diagnosed far too late. We had informed the services so many times and they ignored our concerns, I feel her partner and his family drove her to breaking point when they took her baby and were narcissistic. I understand the anger, I’m angry at them and for all who failed her as well as myself. I will continue the fight she could not finish. I truely understand the anger.

I’m here for you if ever you wish to talk.
From one dad to another.

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I’m so sorry you lost your son @misterhyde. My twin sister was killed by another driver and having witnessed my parents’ pain of loosing a child, I can relate - loosing someone so young is just not how it should be, the pain is truly indescribable.

Your son would have been mentally unwell to take his own life, it is hard because it may feel like he made a choice but he was ill and not able to think rationally in that moment or for some period of time perhaps.

Sending you strength.

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You have made me feel so tearful bless you. My beautiful daughter also took her own life 2 years ago, leaving behind 2 gorgeous sons. But she did struggle … she struggled to survive in a world that she found difficult. She just became too tired and too sad to carry on. She was too fragile for this world.
I am sure that your boy also struggled just as much as other people’s sons and daughters and we will probably never completely understand. I have sat up many nights, sometimes for the whole night and I’m sure you have too, trying to work it out.
Mental health is an illness just like any other illness but often hidden.
I wonder how long ago you lost your son? I too felt like you when we first lost Gemma and believe it is the most terrible trauma we can ever go through but I do have more periods of calm and peace now, two years on.
Try and keep posting here as we all understand and this site has truly helped me more than anything else. Much love to you xx

Dear Misterhyde

I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain, shock, disbelief…all the conflicting emotions :weary:

I lost my son Henry in October 2019. He was 30 years and 15 days old. He suffered with his mental health and like your son he took recreational drugs. He died because he smoked heroin whilst on prescribed drugs - a drug related death. It was an accident but like you I was angry with myself. Why couldn’t I save my lovely boy. :cry:

As a family we were just trying to make sense of everything when Henry’s cousin, my nephew Oli ended his life in January this year. He was the sweetest soul. Gentle and thoughtful.

Members of the family attended SOBS meetings (survivors of bereavement by suicide) some found that helpful.

However our children left us does not diminish our loss and pain. Plus the guilt. It’s just so bloody awful. You are no fraud- you are a grieving parent and you are amongst friends who understand.

I’ve found a way to live with Henry having gone on ahead. I always say it’s just today I’m not seeing him…that’s how I cope. It’s not ever going to be easy but I’m managing.
Please know you will find a way too…people said it to me and I never believed it possible but here I am giving you that same message.

I’m sending warm hugs and please keep posting.

Dear Purple,
You are so right. I once knew someone whose son had taken his own life and I used to look at her and think ‘how do you get up in the morning? How do you get yourself to work?’ Now I know. Gradually you do because you have people around you who need you, people you love.
I too think of Gemma as having gone ahead and I will see her again one day xxx

For those of you who have faith, you’re lucky. A god or a spiritual world has no place in mine. He’s gone and one day so will I, but alas it all ends there.
All those sacrifices, all the worry, all the love…and for what? He left nothing, apart from a dirty apartment filled with empty beer cans and dirty ashtrays. All his responsible friends had slowly abandoned him and all relationships he had were toxic. If only he had left a family behind for me to at least cling on to. It’s as if he never existed.:broken_heart:

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But he did exist and you love him. I believe that even if you lose someone you still have a relationship with them. Your relationship does not end because they are no longer here. It continues … we may lose their physical presence but we don’t lose the relationship we had with them. What was your sons name? Do you have other children?
My GP suggested to me in the early days that I talk to Gemma so that is what I did, usually while walking the dog in the countryside. It sounds mad but it did help me somehow. I am sorry you have to be here but glad that you found us so hang on in there and take care of yourself xxx

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His name was Miles and he was 32. It was in my nonexpert opinion all drug and alcohol induced. For years I’d been saying that something wasn’t right with him but nobody listened. I was being the “glass half empty” bloke as usual, and just because he wasn’t chatty and the jester like myself didn’t mean there was something wrong. Well there was. I could kill my ex wife for not listening to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have a very amicable relationship with her and I was always present in Miles’s life, but like very so often in separations, my power to be a Dad was limited. I tried, but when you are not the patriarch it becomes difficult, nearly impossible.
I have a younger son who is completely different. My relationship with Josh couldn’t be better.

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Addiction is such a difficult thing to confront. Both for the addict and the people who love them. I’m sure you were the best parent you could be in your particular set of circumstances.

I was exceptionally close to Henry…I was there for him 24/7…bailing him out…supporting him…yet he chose a path that as a parent I would not want for him. He made some terrible choices in life but he was a grown man and did what he wanted.

It’s so hard being a parent of an adult that lives a life you don’t understand. The main thing is Miles knew you were there…he would have known he was loved.

Don’t be hard on yourself- we all try our best, all of us do. We love our children…however they live, wherever they are.

Keep posting

You are right … as parents we do our best and that is all we can do. You have two children and they took different paths. I have three children and they have also taken paths.
I can see you are angry and can understand why. My daughter, Gemma, suffered with anxiety and depression for several years. She was a beautiful, intelligent, creative girl but ended up in a very toxic relationship with a horrible man. He pushed her over the edge and I will never forgive him.
It is very hard to see your children make such terrible choices in life. But as Purple said, they are adults and have to make their own decisions in life and so hard for us to stand by powerless and watch them. Gemma knew how I felt.
Try and keep posting here … it has been a life saver for me x

My heart grieves with u my daughter 28 also touch her own life 1/3 /20 the pain I’m realy struggling the ways the if eat me away I cry cry and cry I here u

My daughter took her life in june. I know what you mean about killing time. Ive kept very busy since, so ive less time to think or feel. However I know im going to have to face it. She has an identical twin sister too so she feels like half of her has gone. She was 37, so adult and outwith my control. Theres no pain like it. Maybe I need counselling. X

Dear WendyMay,
I am so sorry you have lost your daughter in this way. It is particularly cruel. My daughter also took her own life 2 years ago and the pain is unimaginable. She was 42. It is very early days for you.
Counselling is such a personal thing. I have turned it down as I don’t want to relive it. I just think of her as living her life, going to work, making supper for her boys. We all cope so differently but like you I keep busy.
We just do the best we can and that is all we can do. Be kind to yourself … baby steps.
Much love to you xxx

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Hi Victoria P, may thanks for your response. Yes its early
day s, sometimes its like it never happened. Then it hits and my mind goes through the sequence of events the police came to tell me. It was 1.30 am. Didnt sleep till the following night. I had to tell her twin sister over the phone. The week following it was a blur of police, having to identify her body and make arrangements. Ive coped beautifully, and I dont know how. Im almost scared to give in to it because of the enormity of it. I know it must come though x