Loosing My Beautiful daughter at 18

On the 23-November-2020 I received a message while at work that something had happened to my eldest daughter. I drove home thinking that maybe she’s hurt herself but is ok, I needed the hope. It wasn’t till I entered the house and see my partner and my other daughter crying I knew she was gone.

Next came the dreaded call I never thought I would ever hear, the call to say that my daughter had passed away. I was in total shock.

My beautiful daughter struggled in life, we tried so hard over the years to get a diagnosis for her to no avail, being passed from one professional to the next for several years. The system failed her. She was later diagnosed with Autism at age 16 and BPD border line personality disorder at 18.

At 16 she moved away to another town 100 miles away, we tried to prevent her from going and even asked child services to help stop her as she was classed as a vulnerable person, but she wouldn’t listen, she knew her own mind she said. She wanted a new start from the people that had called her names and bullied her in her own town because they simply didnt understand her. We knew that she would be leaving a loving family and support network behind that she so needed.

She later became pregnant at age 17, we disapproved at first due to her age but then offered our support and guidance. Initially she didn’t want to go ahead with the baby as she felt she wasn’t ready, although her boyfriend said that he would leave her if she didn’t keep it.

Her boyfriend’s family then subjected her to even more bulling and she was controlled by her partner. He would read her messages and listen in to phone calls, tell her what to do while he sat and played on his pc. We reported this so many times to child services and offered them evidence but they just didn’t want to know.

We were on call to our daughter for 6 to 8 hours per day and we even travelled over to help her.

We called around to find services that could help, although due to the lock down it was via phone only and not face to face.

We told her so many times to come home as she had mentioned that she wanted with the baby.

His family prevented her from doing so.

When the baby was two months old my daughter was struggling due to the lockdown and receiving no help from her partner or his family, she in the end had a melt down and his family took the baby into their custody.

She later became pregnant again and feared the baby would also being taken away.

She decided to have a termination, we said that we would support her either way and to think before making a decision. She decided that having another baby wasn’t the right time, this destroyed her.

She had been fighting in courts for her baby with our help for the past 8 months.

The proceedings have now been postponed until she’s laid to rest.

They had beaten her down mentally and, in the end, she took her own life.

I feel that I have failed her as a father, I should have done more to protect her.

She had so much going on and it became too much for her. I still can’t accept that she is gone, my poor girl went through all this. I so wanted her to come home.

I considered joining her and later realised the additional heartache it would cause for my partner and other daughter.

I feel like my purpose in life is gone, I don’t know what to think.


I’m really sorry to hear about your daughter @Paul42. I want you to know that we’re all here to support you through this and you’re not alone.

You mentioned that you feel like you failed her as a father and I can really hear the pain you’re feeling. Please know that you’re not to blame for what happened. From what you’ve shared here, you truly cared for her so much and did everything you could. It’s not right that child services let you down when you tried so many times to ask them for help, I’m so sorry to hear that happened.

For some people they can find comfort in reading through posts from other members in the community who have also experienced losing a child. There’s a recent post from @misterhyde who lost their son which you may like to read and there’s some more posts in the ‘Losing a child’ section of the forum here.

You’re so brave for sharing this here with us. It’s not easy opening up, you’ve been so brave in doing so and we’re all here to support you through this.

Keep us updated with how you’re feeling, we’re here for you.

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Thank you Aife.
Today is the day of her funeral, this is going to be so tough but I hope I do her proud.


You did not fail her the system that didn’t listen to you did.

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Today I found myself feeling so much anger towards her toxic boyfriend, the day before her funeral he emails me his speech which was like a police statement detailing the event of her suicide, not only was it upsetting but disrespectful to her memory, it seemed cold. We had agreed that he was to buy flowers that said mummy, or we would pay for them if he couldn’t. He didn’t even do that, he brought cheap flowers for a few pounds from a super market. He abused her emotionally and financially and there is no justice. They stripped her of everything and then took her baby. He will just walk away and start his new chapter.
I feel the rage building inside of me.
My daughter was backed into a corner with no escape except one.

I understand you’re rage. I feel it towards my brother in law. Different circumstances to youres. I’ve just heard he’s of to see yet another of his fancy woman over the weekend staying in a hotel. His wife my sister hasnt even been dead 8 months, he started dateing and shagging round less than 12 weeks after she passed away.

The rage anger and upset like you’re feeling just builds.

I understand and share your pain. Please know that there is no ‘shame’ attached to suicidal death and your pain and grief is as real and valid as anyone else’s. My son made that same terrible choice and it has broken me. I feel hollow and empty inside and sometimes I want to scream out loud with the pain. Be gentle with yourself. Take one moment at a time. Allow yourself to be supported when you can. There is a website solely for those of us who are affected by suicide specifically. Suicide is a very unique kind of grief, and there are people who can support you with complete non judgemental understanding. Tho I’m sure you will receive that from the lovely people here too. The website is SOBS. Much love. Wendy x

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Sorry, I meant to send this to the lady who felt guilty because of the choice made by her child to take their own life :frowning: just to offer my love x

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Dear @Paul42 ,

I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been going through, the complications from your daughter’s mental state and the struggle with the other family must have added extra layers to the emotional turmoil…

From what you wrote, I could see that you tried very hard to help your daughter. So many obstacles were in your way and you weren’t getting the help you needed. The bullying and negligence from child services were terrible injustice and should be exposed to prevent tragedies.
I wish more people would see your post and realise the problems many young people face these days.

How has your family been coping?

You have my deepest condolences

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Im so sorry for your lose.

No words are going to help but I made the decision to life my like to honour my husband who I lost on Christmas Eve 2020, I have no idea how to do this, I just know I have to for him.

You need to be kind to yourself, it sounds like you did everything you possibly could.

Your in my thoughts and prayers. xx

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