Bess1
Yes I always say I’m fine when I’m asked and I try to believe it but I really know I will never be fine again. After nearly two years of loss I’m more in control but not fine, not ever.
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I hope the counseling helps. It has me. Just being able to offload to someone who is not personally involved is good and lets you talk out what’s in your head
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Since writing my original post I have found comfort knowing I’m not the only one grieving in such a devastated way. I feel so very sad for everyone on our awful journey.
I’ve noticed that there are so many adverts on TV related to Cancer…is it just me or is it because it is so close to home and I’m more receptive to it?
I’ve been watching Lola’s journey on Eastenders, tonight she broke down and cried, and I ended up sobbing my heart out. It just really hit home. But I keep wondering why my darling husband didn’t cry. He was so pragmatic. He just said "I’ve been dealt a crap hand. There’s nothing we can do about it, so there’s no point in crying. It is what it is. " I never saw him cry, and I was with him every minute of his last 9 weeks at home. My family are saying he probably held it all in to protect me, because he hated seeing me in such emotional pain and distress. But I feel so guilty that he couldn’t share his emotions. I am tortured by these guilt feelings. But I know it was because he cared so much for me. I feel such a mess with this going on all the time in my head. Has anyone else experienced this?
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Hi Granny Smith 16
I too shared the same with Paul
He never broke down
He never said he was scared
He always said
We’ve got a plan we’ll get through it
For us sadly not
He too used to say it is what it is
When I said why us, he just said why not it’s got to be someone
They were protecting us
Paul only once said it’s worse for folk that are left
Too right…. I’m devastated heartbroken hurting numb alone frightened and scared of basically my shit life I front of me
No Paul by my side
No Paul to share life with
No Paul to look after me
No Paul to guide me
No Paul …… ever!
Granny Smith you are not alone
Paul once said he didn’t want to see me upset …… so I didn’t infront of him
We bounced along from appointment to treatment clutching hoping everything would work out
Paul a farmer did what he did all his life went to work through everything his way of coping right up to 5weeks before he passed away
Even then I never ever thought or can think of life without Paul
I suppose our brains won’t let us we are devoted to our loved ones
And being left bloody hurts and is just utterly awful
You are so not alone thinking as you do
We are here for each other on here
No one absolutely no one unless they have lost their partner has absolutely no idea what we are going through
It is totally horrendous
I’m struggling big time
15 weeks on Sunday …… a bloody lifetime
Sending hugs
Xx
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I’m now on week 36. Today at around 245 pm. Tony died in my arms holding my hand very aware I was with him up to the last minutes. I’m just waiting for some counseling via sue Ryder. What would we do without them. Things are getting easier in little bits. Perhaps I’m just getting accustomed to being on my own. I’ve found I have to keep busy and am going thro the process to be a volunteer on the ward he was on when he died.they are desperate for help in the hospitals. I’m only going to be a general dogsbody. I don’t have any medical training. I’m also volunteering on the covid sites as a steward. I invigilate in a school. I volunteer at a library and I go to yoga. When I come in at the end of my day I sit and have a cuppa and tell him all about it. Just like I did when he was here. My brain is starting to function better but I still have blanks and my memory is useless.
Y
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Morning lost my love
Hope you receive counselling soon
I have been on Herriot hospice waiting list since August bank holiday Monday…… she said there is a waiting list
So we have a local counselling service very close to us I filled the form on in and within a week a counsellor rang me with an appointment
She’s lovely…… don’t know if it is actually helping but I suppose it must be somehow
But…… as more time passes it’s the realisation this is it!
Like you I’m getting worse( if that’s possible)
Folks drift back to their lives …… they have to they have a life
I don’t it’s an existence…. Plodding struggling
Like you I keep busy at the end of the day I tell Paul all about my day as we used to do and he would tell me all about his
I also miss our phone calls during the day
Some days more than others but he was always at the end of the phone for me
Basically I miss everything
Night in bed tears every single night
Hope you receive your counselling soon
Lolxx
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Oh Bess1, isn’t it the most awful situation to be in. It is so painful, not just emotionally, but physically too. I get an ache in my throat, which just won’t go away. As you say, nobody has any idea how we’re feeling, unless they’ve been through it. My young sister’s husband committed suicide when he was 28, in 1994, due to suffering with depression. Even she has said what I’m going through doesn’t compare to her loss. My Pete and I were ‘as one’, always together, and the emptiness is numbing. I hope you (and I, and everyone who is going through this horrendous journey) will somehow find a way of coping, until we meet our loved ones again. Every day is another day closer Xx
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My feeling exactly. I get thro each day because he would expect me to but I just think well that’s one day less on this earth and one day closer to wherever he is.
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No words can describe how you feel. It’s just an emptiness in your heart. Your whole life has been turned upside down. You miss even the simplest of things that you took for granted before, even making two cups of coffee when now you only make one. It’s also hard to make a decision on your own as before it was a joint one. I’ve been on my own for 12 months now, so I’ve had every “first” but I still miss my husband just as much now as I did 12 months ago. I still look at other couples with envy, wishing that it was us. Nothing can prepare you for what we are all going through in this group, but we must all just keep talking and listening to each other as I find it does help.
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Hi
You are both so right
Our Macmillan said Paul and I were like a stick of rock
Cut in to I’d have his name and he’d have mine
We were like you as one our names tripped off folks tongue
Not any more there’s only one of me…….
And bloody hell it hurts
I get a tight pain in my chest …… must be a panic pain when I realise this is my life
Hugs to everyone
Xx
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I can so relate to you my Mike passed away in Sept after a really tough fight with cancer I am so proud of him but I’m lost I talk to him and I miss him so much
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I still talk to my husband every day too. I also say “goodnight God bless, love you” every night before I go to sleep as that’s what we always said to each other.
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Hi Pat
So do I …… I always said and still say when I go to bed
Night night love you honey
Paul would reply yes honey
Now I say this for him
Xx
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I always said “Night night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite” , Pete would say "I won’t ". I still go through both sayings every night. It keeps the bedtime routine 'as normal as possible '.
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I am just nearing 2 years since losing my husband of 48 years , this December would have been our Golden Anniversary. So many plans….
IThis second year has been even tougher than the first, I still cry masses & feel deep physical pain.
One thing that I find find helps is music ( only listening) & I wanted to share with all you friends on here a song by Enya called ‘ If I could be where you are ‘ The words are absolutely beautiful & moving, it begins …Where are you this moment, only in my dreams …… do check it out & hope it helps a tiny tiny bit .
Much love to all.
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Morning Sadanna
Just listened it’s beautiful………such apt words
Paul’s favourite was Hunan by The Kilers
He would turn up the volume when it came on the radio
He left the church after his funeral to this
Until I chose it I hadn’t listened to the words
Listen if you have time…. powerfull
We entered the church to
Tina turners Simply the Best…
Hugs to all
Xx
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Thanks Bess1,music just seems to evoke so many powerful memories , sometimes sad sometimes happy, almost like looking at a photo .
52years yesterday since our very first date as teenagers, so lucky compared to many but so sad & empty now . The pain keeps getting worse & the future is dark & lonely in spite of having lovely friends .
Hope you have love &support too day to day. Hugs.
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Hi sadanna
Thank you for your reply
You are so right…… the pain just keeps getting worse
My sister in law came last night she just mentioned it might be good if I got a job to occupy myself
To be fair I’m a busy person large garden so I can keep myself ‘busy’ and I try to
Tried to explain to Clare the pain is inside always… tried to explain what it feels like but no disrespect to Clare she just couldn’t ‘get it’
We all do on here
Couples have no idea what they are in for
Happy Monday ……
Hugs
Xx
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You are so right. It’s easy for people to say what you should or shouldn’t be doing but until they’ve experienced what we are all going through they just don’t understand. Some days I’m so busy that I don’t stop and other days I do hardly anything. I just take each day as it comes.
You have a good Monday too x
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Hi Pat
We all understand in here
Through no fault of our own we find ourselves in this ‘situation’
One day it was bound to happen ( well 50%change of being us left)
But …… not yet!
Lolxx
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