Although we are all ‘in the same boat’ and in many cases, our journeys are similar, our loneliness is an individual thing. I’m in the very fortunate position of having a lovely, caring family and group of friends, but they don’t understand the isolation in my head, and the constant reliving of what happened. They say things like ‘we can’t understand how you feel’ but offer their love and support. But I just want to scream at them and say ‘No, you don’t understand, and I hope you never will!’ But of course, one day they may be in my position and then that understanding will come…but until then, I will stay locked in my own head, with all the memories (good, bad and devastating) swimming around.
I, too, am dreading Christmas, we used to do it all together. Present buying, wrapping, decorating the house and putting the tree up. Now, it seems pointless, but I know I’ll do it all because Pete asked me to carry on as we did in the past. But then after the festivities are over every day, I’ll be back in my lonely head and I’ll be no better than I am now. Life as the wife of a husband with wings really sucks.
Dear Granny Smith
I know exactly what you are saying.
I have friends who I have turned too for support because they have lost their husbands are although it is an individual lonliness, they have felt the pain and grief in the same way and for the same reason.
Family and friends with partners or husbands still together, say the right thing and are supportive but never understand what it is we are going through.
I admire you for trying to be in the Christmas mood and doing Christmas things, but I really feel I cannot do anything this year as like you we did it all together with a glass of wine, nibbles and music…
I hope what you manage to achieve at Christmas helps you to get through your heartache and brings you peace knowing you have fulfilled Pete’s wishes.
Couldnt have said it better myself. Hugs xx
Its the loneliest ever club to belong to xx
I am also preparing for the funeral next thurs.
Good luck xx
Thank you JaneD. I’ll be thinking of you next Thursday xx
Hi All
Well said…… it’s what we feel
It’s what is our head
No one unless they’ve lost their partner cannot even begin to know how we feel
Yes we can attempt to try and explain but the hurt the pain the sheer heartache is inside us in our DNA
Our partners DNA was ours and that’s way it just bloody hurts and there is no words to describe ……
Love to all
Xx
PS
Granny Smith is so right
Life with a partner with wings is sheer hell
Xx
Today…a year ago today since Pete was told by our GP that he needed to go to hospital-immediately! I panicked, I’d never been on my own in my whole life! I lived with my parents till I married, had kids and when they left home it was still me and Pete. Now i felt desolate. I was lucky that i had a few family members stay some nights while Pete was hospitalised. I keep reliving the day our nightmare started…always asking why? Why did it happen to him? What did we do to cause it? I have no answers. Im still wracked with grief. I still paint the smile on every day, but every night i cry myself to sleep. The next 11 weeks are going to be more hell than usual. I just keep thinking “this time last year…” How the hell does everyone cope as the first anniversary approaches?
Morning Grannysmith 16
I’m with you all the way in every thought
I keep a diary have done since I could write( and yes I have them all)
I always keep last years near so I can read whatwe did this time last year and so remember
But this year it’s different
Paul diagnosed 9 th December 2021 Paul passed away 24 th July 2022
30 weeks tonight at 5.57pm
I’m reliving every single moment of every day every ache every pain every moment and yes as if it was yesterday
I even remember timings and actual precise conversations
No words of wisdom to give you I’m afraidbut loads and loads of support
Take care
Keep posting I’m here
Big hugs
Xx
Hi Bess1
My husband died 2yrs ago & I’ve found help & support on this site but nothing eases the grief.
His death was unexpected although he was Ill & whilst you say you can remember every vivid detail & conversation I find the opposite.
I feel so upset & guilty I can’t remember all the details of what was said at his bedside, how many times I kissed him, exactly what we said. I think we were quiet, totally shocked but I can’t clearly remember anything , never could, except his last breath which haunts me.
Is it a form of protection ? I feel I shut down & I feel so guilty not recalling it all. I’d like to ask my boys who were present but don’t want to distress them
So Bess I don’t know if I envy you having every moments memories but I do feel deep sympathy for your loss & everyone going through this as we all travel on together.
So sorry Bess1
Sending you strength to get through today xx
Sadanna
Its the same for me, only 16 weeks ago but i struggle to remember what i said to him when he was in icu sedated on a ventilator. It keeps me awake at night. I feel so guilty.
Hi All
I’ve always remembered things for as long as I can remember I take after my mum she’s got an excellent memory and she’s now 90!
We all relive events
We all think I should of done that
I wish I’d done this
My head is full of those thoughts like everyone on here
I like to remember but reading last years diary I can remember Paul’s pain my anxiety anguish and Paul always reassuring me
‘We’ll be ok we’ve got a plan’
Plan being treatment
Outcome as we know not ok
Thank you all for your support it means a lot
I’m struggling always have done since Paul’s diagnosis but my mind wouldn’t even let me think ( and to be fair I never ever thought about it) what my life would be without Paul
I now know shite( sorry!)
Big hugs to each and every one of you
Lolxx
Bess1
I do agree with you. Even though my Paul had prostrate and lung cancer then a brain tumour I really couldn’t imagine he would die and the shock of his passing almost paralysed me. I still wonder why I didn’t think he would die I guess because I couldn’t face such an outcome. Sending love and hugs to everyone on this site.
Hi Carol 9
I think you are so right…… we couldn’t face the outcome
And our minds wouldn’t take us there
Defence mechanism I suppose……
Lolxx
I dont think I am in the same situation as most. I loved the house we lived in but all my memories are him being taken away in an in Ambulance. I wont go into what happened in hospital but it was horrendous neither of us expected him to die. I have a cottage that the couple living there died actually the same day as my husband so I am moving back. What I used to love with him is now a nightmare for me. I burst into tears everytime I go there as it is still on the market The cottage we got back we married from here and lived a wonderful 13 yrs with no sad memories so I will be happy here. Sorry for the ramble
Hi Heather 56
We all have to do what we have to do to survive this horrendous situation
Big hugs xx
Today I had a bad day not helped by the plumbers’ radio playing something when we first met. I so miss my husband and like the rest of you he was my soul mate and only seems like yesterday we came into each other`s lives was actually 42 yrs. Just a bad day so sorry to post
Hi Heather
I know how you feel. I think I am doing ok after 4mths, then last night, not feeling very well, I felt so lonely and very tearful. How much we miss our husbands, the man in our lives for many, many years . I felt like giving up the struggle to try to survive and make a life on my own.
But today I feel ok, never really happy ok but just ok and get on with things again.
I thought it may get easier with time but I think it gets worse.
You will be ok, we are stronger than we think and we are still here to carry on.
Keep going, we are all feeling the same
Love to you and we are always here xx