You don’t ramble so never apologise! We unload our feelings on here knowing they will be understood. I find your posts positive, and as you say, we all have that well of strength that so often goes unrealised. It comes with practise. Very difficult to find at first but it is there.
Take care. John.
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I find you guys so supportive. I’m still in that black hole counting how long she was so cruley taken from me. 4 weeks on Thursday. Thursday at 9pm is my down time. 23 years together can’t stop. I was going to have her ashes at the donkey scantuary she loved to visit but I don’t know if I can let them go. I’ve not even got them yet.
Dear Sadie
I feel your pain, sadness, loss of self. The physical pain is so real that it makes everything so difficult. From taking a shower, making a cuppa or just making a decision. there is the pain of fear too. How will things be in the future? But the days pass as you make it through another day. BIt by bit your body strengthens and allows you to go on. Keep posting here and get the feeling of others helping you by knowing your pain. I also wrote a kind of diary of my feelings so when I look back I can see how I’ve changed and life has become manageable. You will always have sadness. It’s now part of the story of you and your man. Embrace it, examine it and share it here. X
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The support we get here is brilliant.We can share things we couldn’t say to family or friends, mainly for fear of upsetting them no matter how close they are. Everyone here understands what you’re going through and can share experiences which really helps as we’re all at different stages of our overwhelming grief. I still count the weeks Jay, 9 weeks today, and each Tuesday he seems just a little further away which is hard to take. Don’t be in a rush to do anything with her ashes when you get them thoughWe had all discussed what would happen to them but since I’ve had them it feels like I’ve brought him home and couldn’t bear to part with them now. The willow casket sits on the unused(mine) side of the bed and I talk to him first thing, last thing and whenever I’m in there. I know it’s not really him, after all I saw him when he had died and I knew he wasn’t him any more, he’d left and that was just his body, like a shell, or a chrysalis when the beautiful butterfly had escaped. Hope he’s flying high up there, wherever he is.x
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I was with her for hour half after she went. I didn’t want to leave her but I had to. When I left I kissed her goodbye. It wasn’t her but I wanted to be the last thing not a oxygen mask she felt on her lips.
That closeness and warmth of her body I miss so much and nothing I have can replace it
I sleep with some of Jack’s ashes in a small urn in bd with me - sometimes I take it out with me as support.
Jack died at home - no tubes no strong light no smell of hospital as he and I wanted. The whole family was with him , it was a good peaceful death and he stayed home for 6 hours until a doctor could come - and that time together was special
I also visited him everyday at the chapel of rest and I would sit there for an hour or so not only trying to comprehend what had happened but also trying to remain with him as much as possible.
Did fferebt people do different things - circumstances are different and we get comfort whatever way we can find
It is 2 years since we found t he was ill, 2 years since he lost mobility ( exactly on Father’s Day 2018) and in October 2 years since he died., and everyday he is with me - in my heart in my thoughts - all I know is that I do miss him more and more
Sadie x
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I’m beard at 4 weeks and the constant pain is unbearable. Only had 3 days after diagnosis. Thanks to my GP who got it so wrong.
Sorry I hate them for wrecking our lives.
I talk to so called professionals but they can’t help. I’ve got to go back to work but I don’t know how I’m going to cope. But I need to earn money to live
When you say professionals do you mean bereavement counsellors? If you haven’t had any counselling then I suggest you see if you can get some. Go and see your gp and get him to sign you off as you need time to process your grief or maybe talk to your hr department. The financial pressures really add to the stress your going through and nothing gets paid out quickly or easily. You should have received the bereavement benefit from DWP - so long as you were married or in a civil partnership it’s paid to everyone - by now.
It is due to my GP that I lost my wife as I now don’t trust them. Because I work apparently only those on benefits can claim beverament support. I will check again.
I’ve just looked and claiming now. Thanks
Your welcome. Did your wife work? If she did check with the company about her death in service benefit. My husbands was a life saver as it was 4x his annual salary. Also check her pensions as she probably nominated you as beneficiary. Even if she didn’t you can claim for it but it will be a bit more complicated. They drag their heels and make you jump through hoops to prove you are her dependant but don’t give up.
She worked as a nurse for last 20 years have just sent form off for that I know she did have a small pension with someone else but no idea who with. Been in such a mess with no support that I must of miss read info. Got no one to help.
I also blame my husbands ex gp (he changed to the same surgery as myself a year before he died). He had a very rare cancer and his surgery kept telling him he had anxiety and panic attacks for years when t was the affects of his cancer. It only got picked up as he was so ill they thought he had an ulcer and sent him for an ultrasound scan and endoscopy. The ultrasound picked up a mass and it escolared from there. The surgeon actually wrote a paper on Dave as in his words “I’ve never seen anyone as bad as you and I’m never likely to again and in my career”. I’m convinced Dave’s cancer wouldn’t have spread so far as it had if they had picked it up earlier but there is nothing I can do about it and I’ve had to accept that.
Our GP put it down to menapause December last year. Turned out to be cancer of womb, lungs,bone marrow and lymphatic system. Plus kidney failure. Found out 3 days before I lost my girl at 53.
There is a government website to check for pensions but I can’t remember what it’s called. If you know any companies she worked for write them a letter asking for pension details. If she has worked for the nhs then she will have a pension with them. I know it’s hard but speak to her hr department as they will,have contact details for the pension and they should be able to tell you what her death in service benefit is - it can range from 2-4x her salary. It took me almost 3 months to get Dave’s and they wanted proof that I was his dependant, if you have children then they may count them as dependents depending on there age. If you have a mortgage get in touch with the lender and let them know. Check life insurance policies. Sorry you may already have done all this and I’m teaching ,y granny how to suck eggs .
Not a problem just filled bereavement support form. That was hard again. This time last week the funeral was over but the pain is still there. That don’t reduce
I’m sorry to say this but life really is a bitch for all of us. This loss has been so traumatic for us and to add to that your feelings of hurt and bitterness Jay must be unbearablex
It tears me apart. Life is so unfair and cruel
I feel for you as it’s hard enough losing our loved ones without having missed diagnosis. I know it’s no help but she didn’t suffer for long with the cancer. It wasn’t cancer that got Dave he still had some time left with that and he was working upto a few days before he was admitted to hospital with an infection which he got broncho pneumonitis. I’m glad he went that way than deteriorate with cancer, 2 weeks from admission to hospital to death. Not easy for me as I wanted any extra time with him but I know it was better for him. Life is cruel and unfair but I had the most wonderful 35 years where I was loved and worshipped, others go through life never knowing that feeling or never find the love of their life.
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Jay it will but your body and heart needs to grieve.