The social group sounds good . I had the choice of one to one counselling and/or bereavement cafe or walking group . I’ve gone for one to one , only had one session so far , but one thing that stuck with me was that he said to find something that gives your mind a rest from the noise of grief , even if it’s only for a few hours . I’m lucky enough to have a group of good friends who for me are a preferable option than group sessions as they know me well . The one to one sessions allows me to say things I can’t say to friends and family as they’re too close . However , nothing or no one will fill the void that my husband left and I know I have to find a new way of living . I think finding new social connections will be very important , so bingo - why not !
I feel exactly the same most mornings when my wife died and soon after i slept okay then i woke up and the reality of what happened has hit me.I have started volunteering to give me a reason to get up.
Try your local church to help even in the kitchen this works for me.
I find mornings dreadful also Dan. I think it’s worse for me in the mornings as I used to call my mum every morning before I started work. I needed to know she was ok before I could even consider starting my own day.
I lost my mum the week before Christmas and nearly five months on am as devastated as when I first lost her. I can relate to the feelings of nausea and anxiety. Most days I have a churning stomach. I eat because I have to, there is little desire for anything anymore. I am often looking at her pictures and then have this sinking realisation that she’s actually gone.
Dear Jani,as i said before my Wife of 30 years died in April and it is still very raw,I have found no point in anything and waking up is not getting any better.Tv is rubbish and no real friends or family nearby i am wondering whats the point in anything.
Coffee It is very soon after your loss, I am a year along this hard journey, My wife of 52 years passed away just over a year ago, I was her carer, I just wonder what was the point of me, my life had revolved around her, helping he in every way, she had Parkinson’s. I had a huge hole in my life. I was lucky, Our village runs a bereavement cafe and against my inclinations, our Vicar (did my wife’s funeral) persuaded me to go. I have found it helpful. The village also holds PickaFlick which is a film followed by a light lunch so you get some social interaction. which I have found helpful. I also belong to a book club where you read a chosen book and then meet to discuss it. All these are monthly. I have found it gets me out of the house and talking with people. Makes a difference to me. I have found some happy memories which I call on when I am down. I am so glad that my wife did not have to go through this grief. But I do get some better times and am learning to manage the grief a little better. Enough of a ramble Grief seems to go in waves hope you are in for an upturn soon.
Unfortunately I am not a spiritual person so get no comfort from people saying John is beside you or he’s watching over you or the little robin in the garden is him visiting you. He’s not. He has left me alone and even after. 7 months I still feel a great loss. I haven’t even got anything to mark his existence no grave stone or plaque or even jewellery with hair or ashes in. It’s just because I don,t know what to get for him. There’s no room in garden to plant a tree. I’m not interested in ashes from crem. They may or maybe not be John. However the hair IS his I cut if off myself so I’m 100% certain of that. I can’t find anything a bit different to keep it in. I can get lockets or rings etc. or boxes but he deserves something better. I still can’t see the point of being here without him. I set alarm for8.45am. But keep pressing the snooze button till after 12pm. Therapy doesn’t help I,m just totally unable to do anything. Sorry to be so negative but nothing helps me. Xxx still looking for answers.
What you say about not being able to get up in the morning is quite a normal thing. I lost Val over 4 years ago and its only recently that I have been able to get up at a “reasonable” time. I was staying in bed until around midday most days simply because I couldn’t face the day, couldn’t face the reality of being alone, didn’t know what I would do with myself if I got up. Now only in the last few months do I get up around 10 ish, still with no real purpose…maybe the lighter months are helping a bit. I hope that with time things will become a little more tolerable for you and return to some purpose. Take care
I find getting out of bed very hard sometimes i throw the covers off to try and encourage myself… doesn t work though. I just lie there with no covers on. I have things i can do garden housework even watch tele. But i do nothing can’t see the point just for me. Still at least another day has gone even if it was wasted
Xxxx
Yewtree, I think perhaps we have to stop thinking of the time we’re taking to get to a better place as wasted time. It’s our time to do with as we wish. So if’ it’s a day in pjs not doing very much, crying, trying to eat at least a little, reminiscing about happier times, then crying some more -so be it. I wonder some days just what have I done with the day. The answer is that I just carried on living. That’s what I did today, and for now it has to be enough.
Molly 83. Thank you for replying and reassurance that i am not wasting my time when i do nothing all day. I still have a strange way of existing. I don’t look at pictures of John . I cannot cope without him so i try to image he never existed. That way i m not looking for him everywhere and know he’s not here for me. I cannot face anything to do with him or the things he did. I don’t drive so am stuck having to ask for help if i need to go anywhere. My son works so i don’t expect him to come running everytime i have a problem. I see no future for me. My replacement knees play up so i can’t walk too far without problems. Why exactly do i need to go on and put myself through this unhappiness everyday. I wish you the strength i wish i had. Xxx
I hope you are bearing up ok. As Rob said, its still very early days after your loss.
I don’t have friends nearby either. Irrespective, I’ve found that there interest in my wellbeing has dissipated somewhat. I have some family nearby, but I wouldnt say I can depend upon them.
Finding this forum has really helped me. As heartbreaking as the stories are, I feel some kind of connection due to shared experiences.
Hang in there Coffee, I’m five months in since losing my mum. Do I feel better?, not really no. I look at her pictures everyday and have to pinch myself saying “did that really happen”? Take care of yourself.
@Yewtree
My soulmate was John as well and passed 10 weeks ago. We were only two n half years in on our life journey together.
I am in a similar place as you re photos etc
At the beginning I kept reading our texts and his picture everywhere, including my mobile. I slept in his t shirts. I cried n cried n howled at the bloody moon. Couldn’t sort my head I was running at a million miles an hour and getting nowhere.
One day I decided to keep one picture in my bedroom, I took his photo off my mobile, I stopped sleeping in Johns T shirts n stopped reading our texts. I cried but softly and still do.
I kept wondering why I felt this way but I realised I was just opening up this raw wound and wasn’t helping myself at all and John would absolutely hate that.
He’s indelibly in my heart and that’s all I need. Maybe it’s the same way for you.
I too felt this way but i feel a little better now. I went for counselling and something she said resonated with me.
To the outside world you have to pretend but here in this face to face session its just for you.Yours to tell me whats really going on, to not have to pretend. It helped and i thought of it that way.Now i extend that and talk every night in my safe space to Allan, i vent,rage,cry and share my better moments for 20 mins before bed.
As was said being ‘selfishly doing what you want when you want and how you want’ is healing you slowly although it probably doesn’t feel like that. Doing nothing,crying,sitting, thinking is actually DOING something for yourself so go with it, be self indulged,be sad- youve lost a part of you a big part.You deserve to invest this timebin you.
@Jane64
Absolutely true.
This is one of the biggest, saddest moments of our lives so we have to be kind to ourselves.
If that means staying under the duvet for a while then so be it, we will get up sometime.
If we want to just sit semi comatose in our gardens then we do it.
If we want to scream n cry then we do it.
We will sleep and eat when our bodies need to.
I was telling a friend only yesterday that I had never felt so ill as I did for 7/8 weeks after John died. I can’t describe how I felt other than just ill and like she said it’s our bodies shutting down after a huge shock and insisting we rest until it tells us otherwise.
Agreed i find it very hard to get back to any sort of normal i go to bed earlier than usual tv is just rubbish and no one to visit me to keep me company
I feel so lazy these days. Can’t be bothered to do jobs like hoovering and dusting and general cleaning. I use the excuse to myself that there’s only me here and no one’s coming so why do it. I sit and play games on the computer for hours because it passes the time. The garden is getting overgrown. I could do that. Can’t reach to clean windows (John’s job) I’m just under 5’ tall . Good excuse. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere not that I have a choice. There’s items that maybe need throwing out or selling but they’re still there cluttering up rooms. Like I said I’m lazy now. Xxxxwishing you happier days ahead emphasised text
@Yewtree
You are not lazy at all. You’re feeling there’s no reason but there is a huge reason to do it…Your John will want you to carry on as best you can….
Just maybe try making a list n one day do the vacuuming and the next something else. It will occupy you for a few minutes and that will be a few minutes of trying to get back to some sort of normality. Small steps but worthwhile ones.
I sound as though I know what I’m talking about but it’s a learning curve for us all on here and we have to try anything to help ourselves as best we can.
It’s a huge effort but you can do it…
Thank you Mitzi 1. As you say making a list might be a good idea as i have no routine in my life. I do what i like when i feel like it. I have 3 bedrooms but only one gets used the other 2 are often used to dump things in while i think what i’m going to do with them. I don’t need a house as big as a 3 bed semi but John and i have lived here 48 yrs so i’m not sure i want to move. The school the boys went to is over the garden fence and we put on another garage conservatory and front and back porches.John did most of the heavy work which i can’t do. This is John’s house and i’m not sure i want to leave it even though i’m nearly 80. Xxx
