Hi and i can so relate to how you are feeling i really can. I was with my partner for almost 12 years he was a true gent and so so kind and caring. He got cancer and managed to do 3 and a half years after the initial diagnosis. HIs last 6 months were awful and he changed, sadly into this man that was so not him. But it was the cancer changed him. HIs last 4 weeks were in a hospice and although he was so well looked after we all knew that this was it. His last week was so so awful. He was just drugged up , he was barely aware of anything, It was cruel to see. THis once sociable caring kind man reduced to that. NOw its 4 months on and how i do miss him so much.Like you so much of our life together that we enjoyed has stopped and i get angry that this has been taken from us both. We enjoyed days out, holidays, meals out. NOw im on my own the " couple" stuff is no longer there. I see other couples out and about and yes i admit, i get jealous, i simply havent that other person who made me feel safe. Who was my other half and thats why its called that. Im not whole anymore. Im just me and i dont like that. BUT there are times when i know my partner is still with me, little things happen, i felt so sad the other day and suddenly this little robin appeared and i knew my partner was with me saying try get on with your life somehow. i know this i have to do. I just wish that he hadnt been " taken" He was only retired for 5 years and 3 and a half years of those he had the cancer. Life can be cruel to those who do not deserve it. As for other people, what a disapointment, at the funeral, all false promises made to keep in touch, do they? No.THat hurts too. You live and learn when you lose someone.But i will say we have to somehow try and get up each day and live the life we have the best we can and soldier on for that one we lost.They are with us always in our hearts .
I so feel for you. This could have been written by me. I lost my husband on the 8th March. It was not expected. I too am swamped in paperwork. I feel I am just existing. I can not see a future living like this. All the best to you
True words sadly 
my husband never made it to retirement age … he was only 60 and damn me my parent’s are both still going at 83 !! It seems so unfair doesn’t it ;(
Well said. its great wd have a site like this to support each other xxx
Dear ladies.So sorry to hear of your loss.Its almost 4yrs on since i lost my wonderful husband around Easter time and although time has eased a little its still hard as at this time of year and other anniversaries the memories come flooding back.Be brave and have courage the love you had for one another will never fade and the memories you made together will aways be there. I know its raw at the moment but my thought’s are with you all.x
i am so sorry to hear your news.I lost my partner in november and i am just taking a day at a time, i miss him so much and he too died of a cardiac arrest while i was out and i came home to find him dead.He only suffered from high blood pressure which was monitered.Try to keep busy and see people who are family and friends.Take care of yourself .
I am in a similar boat to you I lost my husband in October last year very suddenly. I have my children and grandchildren but nothing compares to my husband. He was my best friend we were the same person, did everything together. Due to my husband’s health we don’t have friends, we were so happy together, one of my daughters has gone on holiday and I am so angry about it. My husband and I were planning to renew our wedding vows this year we should have done it last year but the daughter who is on holiday now was on holiday then so we couldn’t. I can’t buy food that my husband liked, or cook his favourite meals. I hate this life I have been made to live. I also lost both of my parents last year. The paperwork never ends.
It’s just like I’ve read my own story.
I lost my wife in January this year.
I feel so lost.
It’s so hard to do things on your own that you used to do as a couple.
Family and friends have been a great support but they can’t fill that space.
Loneliness is my biggest issue.
It’s strange that you can be in a room full of people and feel lonely.
All I can say is you’re in great hands here.
We all understand.
Eh dear, so sorry on your loss too. Its 4 months today that i lost my lovley partner.As i said to someone the other week who had lost their wife, you are a “2”, then you are a “1” and its just that aloneness, that not having that other person there, People try and they say " you have your memories" Yes i do have memories, but thats not the same as having that person THERE to smile at, to simply be with. TAke today, EAster Sunday, ive been on my own all day. I decided to re paint the decking and i thought last time i did this he was here watching me and making me a cuppa. I cant still bear seeing other couples , i just think, why isnt that me, why did my feller have to be taken away from me. Yet i smile and they think im ok, Im not ok. I never will be ok. I will always miss him. Its just a new way to adjust to being a “1”.JUst my honest thoughts. i cant even bear to remove his coat and hat from the hall stand. As long as i see that, hes still here to me, Daft or what, But its my way of coping.
@lonely lady. I fully understand what you are saying, the room can be full of loved ones and friends but without that certain person, it is still a very lonely place. Likewise I lost my beautiful partner who was also my best friend suddenly to a heart attack 6 weeks ago, there was every possibility she could have lived but emergency services refused us an ambulance and she died within 2hrs. I’m not certain of precise time because stupidly I thought she was just sleeping and I was relieved thinking the pain had stopped. Suddenly I just felt something was wrong and turned her over when she didn’t reply to find she was dead, the shock was beyond, anger at emergency services was tearing me up, so I decided to be honest and tell my daughters exactly what I was feeling, they are absolutely amazing and won’t leave me on my own. My elder granddaughters message me just to say hello I love you and my younger grandsons are so funny and full of energy but the 10yr old who is autistic, will just lie by me and cuddle saying don’t think about it nana, he was extremely close to jenny and is suffering his own grief and yet he’s thoughts are for me and I think that is beautiful. Yet after all this, the loneliness still overrides everything. I think you should be honest about how you feel though, it’s not inteferring with their lives, it actually helps them to help you, people who care, want to be there for you. As for the holidays, there are many cycling clubs I’m sure that probably arrange biking holidays, a great way to continue doing what you love, you can meet new like minded friends, who knows, there may even be a bereavement cycling club. You just have to pluck up the courage to do this either on your own, (hard to do but worth it) or get a friend to go with you until you meet new friends, or feel able to do it alone. I don’t know if I’ve gone on a tangent, but I hope I may have given some good ideas to help you. I’m agrophobic, so my goal is getting me not just out of the house but my out of my bedroom, which has been my haven for years. I promised jen it would be my new year resolution and now even more I want to do this for her. Let me know if you try the idea of a cycling club and how you get on and I’ll keep you posted on my success (hopefully). I’ve been in the lounge for a couple of hours 2 day this week and 15 minutes in the garden, baby steps, like learning to live a new life when it’s so hard to, just tiny baby steps, one day at a time at your own pace. You do have a brighter outlook then you think right now, you can still cycle and go on holidays that you enjoy, but that also can come when you’re ready. Hold onto your dream, I’m sure your husband would have wanted you to and would look down on you with a smile. I wish you the very best of luck
@carol I totally understand that, I can’t bring myself to go through any of her stuff, I just want everything left as it is, I changed her lamp to spare lamp on echo instead of using her name, this broke me, I couldn’t breath and had to scream to get the pain out. I didn’t reverse it, it’s done now. But anything else, no, I just can’t and won’t do it.
@Jacney I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely partner. Your post is so insightful in being honest with those close to you on how you are feeling. I lost my darling man in January very suddenly and my children have also been amazing. When they call they really want to know how I am so, so i tell them and they know how they can help. Sometimes it might be just listening, or just being there without saying anything. I also have a grandson who has ADHD/ADD and he just wants to be with me all the time. I also try and do something each day, I have returned to work which really helps and gives me purpose and a sense of self, At home I have lost my sense of self, my identity really, I am still searching for my new self and I feel vulnerable lonely, disorientated and panicked without my husband. But I am trying, small steps but I know my husband is there cheering me on. Today I cooked Easter lunch for the whole family, my husband and I have always hosted , so I wanted to continue the tradition. It went well, a few tears but we all just comforted each other. I hope you manage to move from the bedroom when it feels right. Jen will be so proud xxx
Why did they refuse her an ambulance ??? Omg !! 
Same here ive not hardly moved anything if his xx
Hi Heidi
It took me three months to trawl through all the paperwork when my husband died and I fear it would have taken much longer if I didn’t have an administrative background. I tirelessly telephoned, emailed, wrote letters and made a complete nuisance of myself until I got it sorted. Where I got the strength from I don’t know but I was determined to stick it out. I sometimes felt I was drowning but pushed on until it was done.
It will sort itself out trust me. It seems so unfair when you’re grieving so much you have this added burden weighing you down. Sadly there’s no magic wand but once it sorted you’ll feel that heavy weight lifted.
Be strong
Georgina x
Oh thats terrible 
so sorry. U need to complain … u know my husband had heart attack maybe 10 years ago and they were so fast and got him on blue lights to LGI … you know the state of our NHS !!! People are losing lives cos of their incompetence ! I think we all need to start marching for our loved ones !! My husband’s care was rubbish too btw ! We did a massive complaint and they had to do an investigation !! Xxx
Hi I’ve just read your message I too am still very upset hurt angry about everything my partner died 29th of November just turned 53 we tried to fight the cancer looked after him till the end luckily I was with him in the hospice the morning he went we were together for 15 years not as long as you and your partner we will never get over the hurt don’t care what people say that time heals a lot of them haven’t had to deal with this my heart aches every day I cry in the shower wherever I sit on the bus & look out the window I try not to look at all the happy couples I tend to go to the shops when they are quieter I’m actually crying writing this to you I kiss his photo on my phone every night I have my wee cat 
to keep me company I don’t have children or a lot of family I’m just trying to get on not easy some days I can’t be bothered at all don’t go out but I make myself go out even just for a wee quiet walk myself again if u need to talk feel free to message me again take care & I won’t say time heals because I hate that saying
Yes its a very corny phrase isnt it ? The thing is in time it probably will. get better but you have to go through a hell of a lot of pain, tears and heartache to get there and can take a heck.of a long time … i imagine? Not got there yet x
@diane, I’m so sorry you never got to renew your vows, that’s heartbreaking, we were going to renew our vows next year on our 20th anniversary 
I truly understand about the loneliness, when it happened to other people I thought I understood, but I didn’t have a clue did I, just how hard and sad and rotten the loneliness is, nobody could possibly understand until it happens to them and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Seven weeks today and its no less raw. I don’t think your daughter is doing it to hurt you, we sometimes forget our children are grieving too, not because we’re being selfish, but because our own grief is so raw and all consuming l, they need to handle things in their own way. I cried Friday because my youngest daughter took a weekend break, then I realised she needed it, she took over and sorted everything for me as well as looking after me, she really needed to get away and spend some quality time with her partner, who god love him, has never complained about me taking up all my daughters time night and day. He just wants to help too. My eldest daughter has just moved in with me because they won’t leave me on my own. My middle daughter comes up and cooks and cleans and brings my grandsons to brighten my day, they stay over if the other 2 girls are busy. They keep these brave faces just for me, but I can see they’ve been crying and suffering their own pain whilst looking after me, maybe that’s why your daughter went on holiday, she needed her own space to grieve without upsetting you. Your real anger is at your loss, but that’s what we humans do, take it out on the people we love the most. I make myself watch the programs we watched together now and listen to our stories on audio book and still talk to jenny about them, sometimes, well most times I’m in floods of tears. I couldn’t at first but then I realised that I was cutting her out of everything but my head and I didn’t want that and now it feels like she’s with me even though I know she’s not, but it really helps. I still can’t go in her wardrobes or drawers, because seeing her stuff and knowing she’ll never use it again, it kills, the pain is too much, but as everyone keeps saying, there’s no hurry. I hope you can forgive your daughter and maybe talk, you’ll probably find she needed to just get away from her own grief. I truly wish you the very best.