Thank you 1978
We’re all here for Paula!
Herb
Thank you Jean2, You,re right it’s a wish I have.
jules4
I am thinking of you today this really is the most unbearable pain I send you virtual hugs,
Julie 
Dear Pete2, I saw your post with the title “I don’t want to be here” – I read about recollection of how you endured the pain and loss of losing your wife. I am truly sorry for your loss. In a way, I can empathize with your feelings - I felt your pain and anguish in your last lines of your message - I don’t know how people can live thru something like this–I even search my heart wondering how do we get thru this? (I have no answers- just a dark wall in front to of me with no sense of direction - I walk aimlessly thru what was once our home).
The weather is gray with rain off and on, a bit damp, I almost wished I could gone to sleep and not waken up (no, not a nice thing to say, but how many of us feel the same way?). Well, I finally got up, had a cup of coffee and stated my laundry (just wanted something to do. I took a load up stairs and I looked at the poster boards my wife’s family put together of her - I saved them. It’s all I have left of her. I cried out "Miki , why did you have to die? then I asked (probably nobody ever heard me) "Why am I still here? " “I should have died that night” Well, I’m sorry to bring everyone down - but this is how I feel now!
I’ll get over it --till next time. Pete just want to tell you I am sorry for your loss - hope you don’t mind if I join you in this sorrowful mess we’re in.
Herb (aka greencat1950)
Greencat1950
Oh how I have begged Tim to come and get me while I slept oh how I have wished I was braver to be with him but I can’t hurt our children and grandchildren.
You are not alone in your thoughts at all this is the most miserable unbearable existence anyone could ever imagine.
My daughter and grandchildren come to stay the weekend as I can’t bear them. Tim and I finished work at 3.30 on a Friday and it was always date night in at home or out when permitted.
How the hell are we supposed to survive this I haven’t a clue,
Virtual hugs
Hi debbie, like you i find food shopping hard. I wander round, pick up few ready meals which i have never touched in my life. Pick up few other bits. Go home. Put them in fridge, then cant face food so throw it all away. Cant face cooking as my husband loved his food and i enjoyed making nice things for him. My oven is spotless as i cant bear to use it. Life is so cruel. Sitting in gods waiting room waiting my turn to join him.
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Hello
I can’t wait to go to Andy
Pray every night to be taken
Love and miss him so much
I just buy ready meals now
Can’t be bothered with cooking
No point cooking then sitting there on you own
Hate this bloody life now
Please take care xxx
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It’s so hard isn’t it. It can feel like a punishment to have to stay here. I am not on ready meals yet as I have my grown up children with me but know that it is in the cards for later. Take care - sending hugs
Dear Bubba
After my husband died I went to the shops - could not stand buying ‘meals for one’. We always had proper dinners most nights - you cannot do this when you are on your own and also sometimes when I have cooked something I have no appetite so it goes in the bin. I have lost a considerable amount of weight but really not bothered. Except for our kids and our little grandson I have no incentive for life. I also refer to our little bungalow, which we bought as part of our retirement plans - as the waiting room because that is all it is now.
Take care.
Sheila
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Hi Debbie 55
I can resonate with all you say. I can’t be bothered with much either. I make plans on what to do the following day and then they just never happen. I don’t have the heart in anything anymore. Everything I look forward to I realise it won’t make me happy because the one person I need to share it with is not here anymore.
Even if I have a happy moment I always think it would be so much more happy if Ron was here. So then I realise it’s not really a happy moment at all. I know I am rambling on but my head is rambling from one thing to the next all the time. It never ends.
Thinking of everyone tonight and hope you have all managed another Sunday as best you can.xx
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Dear Quarterman, I’ve gone thru ordeal almost every day - mostly without a friend in the world who can understand what I feel for my loss.
I know there are others who are going thru their losses too (I don’t mean to be selfish, yes my heart goes out to all of you, just that the loss of my wife has been such a loss to me - how do I go on??? I go thru each day at a time- I m not the type (like any man) to call out for help - but yet here I am sobbing my heart for the woman who meant so much to me - Sometimes I hide my feelings to family and friends, but it was so much better when she was here with me — she gave me courage to be the man she wanted. (Today, I don’t know). I didn’t means to but in - but to tell you I understa0nd your sorrow and pain),
I believe you led a very blessed life with Tim – Please stay well and take care!
Herb 
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Hi debbie55, totally agree. Heat ready meL up. Start eating it and then think its just not right, sitting here eating it, when mel should be sitting here with me. So i throw it away. Sad existence
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Hi everyone, I feel like you all do, 10 months in. My mum was in the hospice when we were told my husband was ill. I lost mum and my husband went in hospital for 4 months and came home for 6 months before he died suddenly. I grieved for my mum badly but that went as soon as my husband died as I have only grieved for him since.
So, shopping was too much for me to bear and I now do it online. I pay for Tues, Wed and Thursday deliveries. Have a little chat with the delivery man too. I make myself batch cook which I look forward to now as it makes for a busy day and I read whilst eating my meals, either a book or magazines which people give me. It stops me thinking. I do buy a couple of ready meals too.
I never thought I would get this far. I still cry and have bad days. Talking to my daughter yesterday about what to do on his anniversary, she said dad would not want us to go where we scattered his ashes. He would not want us sad. He told us to carry on and enjoy our lives. He did, a light bulb moment for me, I told him I would, never realising the massive job that would be. Some of us are not lucky enough to love like we all have and we owe it to our soul mates to try and carry on but baby steps.
Love and light to all of you. X
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Hi Debbie
I feel just the same. I wish I was with Gareth as every day is torture. I don’t want a life without him and the effort involved in trying to make some kind of existence is not worth it. I really did not want to wake up today. I rang the doctors fir anti depressants but have to ring back tomorrow. Has anyone else tried these ?
It is the dread of getting up every day that I am struggling with.
Lynn
1078, what a brave person you are, all the effort you put in to batch cooking and eating it. I used to enjoy peter james books but can no longer concentrate on books. Keep going forward and i hope you find something special to do for the anniversary. Xx
1954
I lost Tim on 03/02 on a ventilator I am on two antidepressants and receiving counselling with cruse. To be honest without this support I would of tried to hurt myself I was in a very dark place.
My GP has been supportive and I don’t intend to take them any longer than needed.
It’s not for everyone I understand that but for me I now have calm times I’m still hurting my tummy is still churning but I’m not sobbing 24/7. I think each of us should use what ever we need to get through and this can be medication, religion, counselling, family or friends.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone I’m lonely I’m lost I’m scared I’m hurting and I will never know why.
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This is exactly how I am feeling. Every part of my future and my purpose was to be with him. That is now all gone.
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Hi all
I wondered whether you find your home a comfort now or whether you find it scary and lonely.
I am ok in the day in my house but I hate the evenings and nights.
I am wondering whether to move in the future but then I am worried I will be shaky without the memories.
What do other people feel ?
It is early days yet so I will see. At the moment I am existing not living trying to just get through each day.
Lynn
Hello @1954. You are wondering whether to move or stay in your home and keep the memories. It really is a stumbling block at times. For me personally I believe that this is Mike’s home and where he wants to be. I always kept it nice for him and I continue to do it so that if he is watching he will know I am doing it for him. It is upsetting at times when I see his things around or see the flowers he planted in the garden, but the memories we made together are in this house so for now I will stay put.
lobve and light. x