Thats lovely you have a daughter like that ! My kids havent been very supportive with me ! They dont seem to want me to talk about their dad and they want me to be strong. But im not strong ! This is a tough one isnt it … really tough and they dont seem to understand that
… well i think they know its tough for me but they dont really help much! It makes me so cross ! But you keep going because your daughter is there for you… and hour by hour or day by day - baby steps xxx
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Hi Deb5,
I think i remember you writing that you have 2 daughters and son and your husband Tom is that right?, i hope i have that right? Colin is my husband and he passed 21st July so just over 3 months. Christmas is going to be tough but like i wrote before, a first for everything for me. Was it January Tom passed?
I am so lucky you are right to have Jessica to talk to. She being a nurse does help as she deals with death most days at work, i don’t know how she does it to be honest. Jessica works with patients who come in with everything really and she was on when her dad was bought it. I think she has been so brave, Simon too who adored his dad, like peas in a pod.
If you need someone to rant and rave at…i’m here, let it out and be damned. Sending huge hugs.
nickycuthbert
(Nottingham)
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Hi Sandra,
I agree with you. Creativity comes in many guises. Some well written software that does what it is supposed to do is a thing of beauty. I never liked end user apps. I much preferred the systems side of things and that was pretty much where I spent my career, VMS and Unix were my preferred platforms. Always hated Windows/PCs with a vengeance!
You are certainly exceptional. Great kudos to you. As you said, way too few women in IT. I think in my entire career the number of women I encountered in positions of technical authority would fit on the fingers of one hand. It is shameful that this still persists. If you ever fancy a natter with a technical flavour please ping me.
I played Alto and Soprano sax for a number of years but switched to the guitar because it was impossible to practice saxophone quietly. Got as fed up with neighbours complaining as they were of hearing scales etc! Just as well I never fancied playing the drums. As for the recorder? I can still remember squeaking away on one at primary school!
That’s lovely that you are a singer. Christine had a lovely voice and could sing in tune. I used to accompany her on the guitar at home. A particular favourite of ours was “The Girl From Ipanema”, or as Jimmy Bruno (a jazz guitarist for whom I have the greatest respect) called it “The Girl With Emphysema”. I could never persuade Christine to sing at gigs. When I started gigging, Christine really encouraged me which helped to control my performance anxiety. She supported me in so many ways; I’m so lost without her.
Have done my piano and guitar practice. Spoken to my son who is in Vancouver, fed the cats, cleaned the litter tray, put the bin out for tomorrow. All interspersed with mindless TV. Watching “The Matrix” with one eye while I write this (makes a change from Scooby-Doo).
Hope your day has been ok.
Best wishes,
Simon
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Not a bad Sunday for me .
Arose late a la mitazipine. Visited Andrew’s mum . Then came home and made the marry me
chicken recipe I saw on this morning via tik tok . Very nice . Then after cleaning the kitchen. (Like bomb hit ) I watched a Netflix film
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@Pudding I’ve watched that film i enjoyed it . I find doing things like that a distraction from my constant thoughts of Andrew
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Thanks @nicky1961 my husband was called roy …
and yeh 2 daughters and a son. All been very difficult since their dad passed but tbh i have found them all difficult children since they left home. Very strong willed and not very compassionate towards their mum. I dunno if they don’t wanna see enormity of it all and how hard for me it is but there you go ! Thats my kids for you. I think.some of it is because their dad was very soft with them and didnt pull them into line. Where as i do. But anyway thats how it is and thanks for your offer. I think people who have done a caring profession understand more. I was a medical secretary and worked in NHS most of my working life so i get the caring bit. I think what makes me sad is that i have done a lot for them in the past and yet theyre not prepared to give me back. xx
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Yeh its hard watching those type of movies now without our lovely man here ! God i miss my cuddles so much ! I really do. I miss having him to hold 
a peck on the cheek, a hug . So tough and now im gonna cry again … xxx
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Hi Nicky1961
I hate this life too. I so understand how you feel and sorry to say it doesnt get any better or easier.
Its nearly 13 mths since I lost John .
We had a very active life and was out and about exploring and had lots of holidays and ate out regularly…This has all gone and life is so lonely and completely different now. Every evening I am now indoors and some weeks do not talk to anyone.
Its not the life I expected at 70 or wanted or hoped for and am finding it so hard to want to carry on and do anything.
I keep going as everyone says I must. I have had counselling and thought it helped but I am back to feeling so sad again and miss John so much every day.
The pain is unbearable most days and I wish I could be more positive as I always was.
I am thinking of you and I hope you find a way through this grief as I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
Take care Love to you xx
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I am so sorry for getting your husbands name wrong.
Yes it must be difficult having none or very little support from family. You say they are strong willed, i think they must have received that from you because you said Roy was very soft where your children are concerned.
You are the strong one like i am in my family…so they keep saying, personally, i feel like a jelly fish, the slightest bump and I’m buggered really.
I work as admin for NHS, i have received an email just recently stating that my parking permit is being withdrawn as i do not fit the criteria needed to receive one. Never mind about the two buses i would need to catch to get to work and the transport i need to care for my mum who lives in the opposite direction to me and the hospital. I have work for NHS for over 20 years, i am thinking, out with the old and in with the new.
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Hi @Shelley50
I understand exactly how you feel.
I lost my husband Kevin 5 and half months ago suddenly and unexpected at home aged 63. We were together 38 years married for 36. He had just taken early retirement in Feb gone in June.
We too enjoyed lots of holidays and eating out all these shared things gone now.
Doing things on my own ie holidays going out holds no enjoyment anymore.
I have tried some things joined a book club once a month. Joined a choir but have not been for 2 weeks due to illness.
It’s tbe dark nights now i dont drive so dont like being out in the dark. I try to keep active go out during the day otherwise i would see or talk to no one.
Another weekend over i dont like them they seem to go on forever.
I cant plan too far ahead anymore so live each day one day at a time.
Take care
Lynne x
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Hi Lynne
So good to hear from you and I know you understand just how I feel. Yes I was married 36 yrs and been together 40 years. Its a long time to now be on your own. John died suddenly too within a few seconds, very unexpected as he was fit and healthy and only 72 . We had just moved into an older bungalow (2 wks earlier) to renovate. Life has been difficult doing things to improve the place but had to pay a lot of people to do it and used up most of the savings. Whereas, John would have done some of it.
I drive but not in the dark due to eye condition.
Weekends are the worst as like you I do try to keep busy during the week but as soon as I get back home , the lonely feeling and sadness starts and just put TV so there is some noise.
I read a lot but not in the evenings as too quiet.
Its a pity some of us ladies cant meet up and share our sadness and grief as only us know the pain and heartbreak we have and are experiencing every moment of every day.
Keep going, I am a positive lady and I am sure we will get through this one day.
Lots of love to you Lynne. xx
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Hi @Shelley50
Thank you its true about the quiet and loneliness that will never go away. I hope in time i am able to deal with it but not sure i ever will.
There is a group called the Jolly Dollies who are a group of ladies like ourselves who meet up for a chat and meals or activities maybe one in your area or close to you could join. They also do holidays too.
Take care
Lynne x
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Do you think im strong willed ? Maybe ? Because i had to be to survive i guess ? Im like you - doesnt take much to set me off … and i feel so weak inside because we miss them dont we ? So many times in the day i wish he was here. I made a few new friends recently which has been good and im going on holiday with my daughter and granddaughter in a week. I get on with my middle dsughter the best. I think its probably cos she is most like her dad ? Quite laid back. And just lets it go when i rant and rave about life, which has been awful since he passed last year ! He was my rock really and i didnt even realise it 
the strong silent type i suppose and thats awful about your pass with NHS … cant you complain ? I would kick off if i was you xx
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I looked up jolly dollies but none in my area. There is a group called U3A that have various sub groups open to anyone. Try looking them up its £12 a year to join from January so waiting till then, but looks like a few interesting things to do. I would happily meet up for coffee or lunch if anyone near to Northwich cheshire.
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I will look them up closest group Edinburgh maybe look at some of the activities they have in the new year.
Take care
Lynne x
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I am so glad you have said this. I feel the same but I know it would freak out friends and family to know I feel like this. You have an advantage, I think, from what you have said, because you believe you will be together again. I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife. I long for nothingness and for the pain of grief to stop. I can’t make it stop because it would only pass on this abysmal feeling (worse, if I took my own life) to those I love most but I would so like it to end. Thank you for being brave enough to voice what you’re feeling. I hope it gives some small comfort to know you are not alone in feeling like that.
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Hi Nicky. I know exactly how you feel because i feel the same. It seems cruel to be told we have to keep on living for the sake of family etc when it causes us so much pain. The only thing i can tell myself is that if i were to kill myself i would cause suffering to my family. And who would look after my four rescue dogs who rely on me and the love and security i try to give them. Maybe we need to learn some life lessons and thats why we are still here. Or maybe there is a future purpose to our lives that we cant imagine yet. Try to hang on. Try to keep busy. Try to do something kind for yourself and in time, for someone else. Only look ahead to the next hour, or maybe rhe next 10 minutes even. Treat yourself throughout the day, say like if i do a bit of housework i can have a cuppa and some cake. Eat what you want and when you want for now. Binge on absorbing tv dramas. Sit still for a few minutes in silent meditation and just breathe. Sending you love and hugs xxx
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I hope i hsve a purpose ? Doesnt feel like it some days though
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