I’ve felt a bit the same over the last day or so, Mike. I think the interment of David’s ashes is playing on my mind. I suppose these very low episodes are to be expected though when you think what we have all been through. I think it’s perfectly normal. Grief isn’t as simple as getting a bit better every day. We haven’t been ill! We’re not recovering from it. It’s a horrible up-down, in-out kind of process that I think, to some extent, will last for the rest of our lives but become easier to bare. Love and strength to you all. Jean.
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@Jean8 You are right we are not ill, we are grieving and dealing with our lost one’s ashes is part of the emotional turmoil. I have just posted about this in another thread where the same issue has been raised (Told to stop wallowing) by @MinnieImber. Love and hugs xx
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@Moi1 I think you are brave, to have this courage and come out and say it instead of just flitting around I too feel the same. The only thing that stops me is the thought of putting my sons, granchildren and my sisters through this pain of grief. I let them put my Sue in hospital where she came in contact with covid along with 4 other people that night in corridor 15 of the hospital her lungs could not cope they told me it would not take long but my Sue fought it for 6 days untill the night I held her so close and told her to let go her
body was broken (it broke my heart ) two days latter she stopped fighting and passed away. Since the first day of Covid we took no changes she had very severe C.O.P.T. I made sure my Sue was safe. But it was my doctor who did not even bother to come out to see her. Arranged the ambulance my local G.P killed my precious Sue. A week later a card came from his surgery saying how sorry he was about my sad loss. It was rubber stamped with his name upside down thats how much G.Ps care about us now. Its just money for the practice so then can retire early. So sorry about your sad sad loss hun but you are not alone so many of us are walking the same path searching for an answer. Maybe while I live and remember my Sue she lives.I do not want her to be forgotten
. Give it a few more months life passes us by and death is eternal sorry hun dave
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I read this today and I thought it was a very good answer:
Why is it so difficult to process grief as opposed to other emotions?
Because grief is not an emotion, or at least not just an emotion. Grief is much more than a simple state of mind that can be overcome with a smile. We can’t “positive think” our way out of profound loss. It doesn’t work that way.
Grief is an actual hole in our life. It is not just a perceived emptiness. The void where our loved one used to be is real. Our brains and our hearts are often unable to deal with the crush of pain and confusion that comes from profound loss. People can even die from a form of cardiomyopathy caused by the shock of sudden grief. Yes, grief can kill you.
Loved ones provide security and stability in our lives. The people we love motivate us, give our lives meaning, and protect us. Our children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren, are often the people that our hopes and dreams are built on. Losses of loved ones such as these are enormously difficult to overcome. Everything we thought we understood, everything we planned for our future, and everything that we yearn for, can disappear in the flash of an eye when a loved one dies. It is brutal, painful, and often overwhelming.
If you are experiencing grief, please be easy on yourself. Reach out to others if you can, as it often does help to ease the pain. There is no timetable for how long you will remain in this state, as no two losses are alike. Remember, you may never fully get over the loss, yet the pain will slowly become easier to deal with.
The emptiness of grief will come and go, like the tide moving in and out. The sun will eventually shine again though, so don’t lose hope. If this is what you are going through, I am very sorry. May you find peace.
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@JaneD
As to your insurance your best port of call is consumer help line 08082231133. I have had to contact them about Marks pension (still messing me about since August) about furniture that was purchased (the technicians been, list 30+ faults) what I learnt from that call was even though it was not satisfactory condition or fit for purpose because I purchased it in store I’ m responsible for the return carriage costs (hopefully this information will help others from getting caught out! Replacement I planned to purchase in-store from another furniture retailer, but in end went to store, choose and purchased online!) & they also helped me with a problem that had been on going with my energy provider since November, they told me to go to omnibusman and resolved within 1 week. (Pension advised financial omnibusman unfortunately it is 16 weeks wait for that until they even look at the case.) Hope you get it sorted
@sue11
I got a rescue cat, I live alone & can’t believe the difference she has made, I’m not coming home to an empty house, company and someone to talk to (mind I’m not fluent yet in cat & she’s certainly not fluent in ‘upright’ though my neighbour says, she does listen, then does exactly what she wants!) Take care, great big hug xxx
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@Sulane oh not stupid at all! I thought it was just me. The most I managed was to nibble through a Rich Tea biscuit during the first few days. My children kept trying to get me to eat but as soon as they mentioned it I just burst into tears because David couldn’t be there to share it with me. He couldn’t enjoy any food so I felt guilty. It’s so strange the things that go through your mind. It seems silly now but it seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.
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@Jean8 You are right about strange thoughts. One of my best friends died in his 40s. He was a Liverpool fan. I never went with him but for years after every game, I would think straight away what a shame he missed that result and I always knew what he would say about it, win, lose or draw. xx
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@Mike75 my Husband was a staunch LFC fan all his life (he was born there) my son is also a big football fan. Football has always been a massive part of our family’s life. My boy really struggled with watching the Liverpool games when we lost David. They would watch them together or text each other taking the Micky out of this and that. The first Saturday after it happened he completely fell apart but he’s finding it easier now.
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I’m really really struggling this last week. Some of you will know my story, Mark & I had been together 40 years, working together renovating houses, he wasn’t I’ll when he died suddenly 8 months ago, I have no family what’s so ever. We just had our house to finish, decorating, carpet to lay, new kitchen (we’d done the bathroom) a fence and shiplap around the summerhouse we’d built. EVERYTHING has been unbelievably difficult from the decorating (you may remember me going to A&E with him for 8 hours, looking at the door where I was told Mark had died 6 weeks earlier & him not even thanking me, just saying he’d done me a favour, by getting that 1st out of the way! Then us parting company, when he threw a hissy fit, and telling me I’d say in his house crying…that was the day Mark died! I got that finished, then the bitter sweetness of getting the furniture (something that I never expected to do) But everything was doublely difficult from problems with curtains, to the new TV not being tuned on correctly, to faults with nest of tables and my 2 sofas having 30+ faults listed by the engineer who came to look at it. From Monday for 8 weeks I will be without seating till my new ones arrive. All jobs that should have been put to bed. I should have been concentrating on sorting out my kitchen which will be fit in June, instead of the stress of these. To add to that Marks pensions still haven’t cleared, I’m having trouble with energy provider. Last week I scaped the passenger door of the car on a trolley park and I’m so annoyed at myself as I a confident driver and should have known better THEN this week pulling into my drive I scraped the bumper. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in myself, I know it’s nothing in the grand scale of things, but to me it’s enormous, we never had damaged car and now I have done all this. I am struggling I don’t want it to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it’s so hard. x
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Dave13 - that is a harrowing story about the ineptitude of your local GP, but sadly has a common thread. I was really disappointed that none of the nurses who seemed to be my “best friend” when they were coming out several times a day and even the GP who did come out, - none of them got in touch afterwards to ask how I was or to wish me condolences. It would not have taken much time out of their busy day but it would have meant a lot to me. Lots of things went wrong with my husband in hospital, so many idiotic errors. I think about it constantly, all the nurses knew me as the troublesome one, I was just looking out for him, making sure no more mistakes were made. Soul destroying, I cannot get a particular image out my head one evening when I left him in the ward and I waved to him through the glass, his face said it all and it breaks my hear all the time.
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Jean8 - Im like you, my husband couldnt eat, hardly swallow and cd only manage pureed soup, custard etc. All these things I cannot have now, I sometimes feel physically sick when I am eating real food as I think back at how he loved his food but couldnt manage and it kills me. At the beginning and we were out somewhere, he used to get annoyed when I asked the waiter if they could puree the soup but it was the only way as we loved going out to restaurants but obviously that all went. When you see cooking programmes and they are munching into things, they dont think about all those people that cant eat. Its not right to assume everyone can swallow. Just not fair. All that said, I am a comfort eater, dont cook, eat microwave meals and snack a lot. I am trying to lose weight by walking but not easy as I cry the whole way there and back. I used to worry what people must be thinking when they saw me but now I dont care. It would be nice even if someone asked if I was allright but no-one does.
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@Moi1 so sorry hun but I cannot find the words right now to consider what to say about your sad loss
. just had a bad night with bad dreams hope to talk later . Sorry dave
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The dog i was looking after has now gone home feel lost as when i had him he always knew when i was having a bad day and would come up to me for a cuddle but my friend has said if ever i want him for the day i can . Take care to and sending a big hug back to you xx
@Sulane
You have been under such tremendous strain and can’t be expected to be as on the ball as usual so please don’t think of this as your mistakes - simply a reaction to all that is going on and that you are - AMAZINGLY - dealing with.
I think you are to be congratulated that you have achieved so much under the terrible circumstances you have faced.
Take a deep breath and realise what you have managed.
Hugs
Karen xxx
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@sue11
I got a cat and I know what a difference she makes, company, not coming into an empty house, someone to talk to (though I’d get a fright if she answered me back!) So my heart goes out to you. Could you get yourself a dog perhaps? xxx
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@KarenF
Thank you so much for your kind comments, we just tend to set ourselves too high a target perhaps, then feel a failure when it goes wrong. I just about forgave myself for the first scrape though I was mad with myself, this one’s harder, I tried to take on board a text I received after the first one last week, that said: don’t beat yourself too much concerning the car, some scars are meant to remind us of how much we are trying in the face of adversity.
Boy that resounds to so much we are going threw doesn’t it?
Big hug xxx
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If we can get through the day and say to ourselves that “we did the best that we can”, thats a start. x
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