I agree I had my 5 year old grandson from yesterday till tomorrow evening , keeps me going but when he goes to bed the crying is unbelievable , trying to act normal when your in such pain ( for a very observant child is very hard ) . I think it’s good for me but not in the quiet moments . I took him to soft play today and was the only person there on my own with a child , all couples , parents or grandparents . It’s all I notice now . Missing your partner isn’t the right word , “missing “ no far more than that for all of us I’m sure , so much pain and heart ache xx
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So true that grief is much more than a simple state of mind. Thank you for sharing what you read. The only thing I have a bit of issue with is family and friends can offer the emotional and security support that you need. Part of my issue is that I don’t live anywhere near family. My family has really not been supportive except for my one sister-in-law. My husband will be gone eight months on April 5 and my other sister-in-law has not even acknowledged his passing. Because we don’t live anywhere near family I didn’t have a funeral. My husband was cremated, and I went by myself to pick up his ashes. Like I’ve been doing everything all by myself. I do belong to a grief group that meets every Saturday and going to that along with this site has been my greatest support. I find that people just don’t want to hear sadness. I saw one of my neighbors in a mail room the other day very kind person certainly would help if I needed anything done around the house but all she can do when she sees me is tell me about the party she’s going to go to and the trips that her and her husband are going to take. Then she said if you see us in the yard just yell over and come on over for a drink. Well, how about if you see me ask me why don’t you come on over for a drink. I get so tired of everyone thinking I should initiate things. What about calling me and saying come on over for a glass of wine or a cup of tea. I’m just so fed up with everything. Is it my job to educate people on how to be supportive of a grieving person? I don’t have the energy for that. I’m barely getting through day-to-day with my journey. Life goes on for everyone, I understand that and life does go on for me too. It’s just such a miserable life now. I miss my sweet husband, more than I have words for. I think part of the issue now is that people think I should be feeling so much better. Really after 52 years of marriage and 57 years of being together in eight months I’m supposed to have pull my life all together and move on. I don’t think so. Sorry it’s just a bad day. I feel like I’m whining. But at least I know it’s safe here. And everyone understands.
Karen
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You’ve got the nail on the head, people don’t know how to react. I must admit I didn’t understand until it happened to me, I always tried to be kind & considerate, but did I know the timescale…no. I know what you mean about people and having to initiate. If you’re like me it’s so hard as you don’t know if your intruding. It’s hard and perhaps harder as time goes on and you feel you are going backwards, but boy I’m glad I found this forum. Take care xxx
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I am thinking about getting a rescue dog xx
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@sue11 i got a rescue dog 2 months ago, 4 months after my bri passed and he has rescued me. I actually think Bri sent him to me. He gives me a reason to get out of bed and he keeps me company on the many walks i go on to help clear my head. Just make sure hes the right fit for you and it will help you im sure xx
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Wise words in that text. I hope things start to improve for you soon xx
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Went for a walk this morning with my friend and the little dog i looked after i know she said i could have him when ever i wanted to but its not the same i have to give him back at the end of the dog xx
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Meant to say day not dog
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I totally didnt get the time scale before it happened to me. Although friends and family were supportive initially now just over a year on they really dont get it. I still see them socially but for support it now comes from other people who have been widowed as they just get it.
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My husband’s loyal, faithful little Jack Russell has stopped sleeping curled up in his ‘waiting for my dad’ place and is gradually allowing me to be his boss. So hard, his little dog went everywhere with him before the dementia took his mobility and ability to do anything away. I shall definitely get another dog when dear Finn goes - he’s 14. I can’t imagine life without the dog and the two cats.
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Indeed agree…one of my sister-in-laws has not contacted me since the day her brother my beloved husband died in December last year…but that has to be her choice and i have to let it/her go as I’ve really no room to care for anyone else right now if ever again!! Last night the grief pain if not being with him was crippling felt i couldn’t breathe…10 weeks and still a lot of the can’t believe he’s not with me after 44 years 38 years married 
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Hi Merle
I totally understand how you are feeling and 44 years is a long time. I was with my soulmate Mike for just over 10 years and its been so hard.
I would say and i know everyone is different that i do feel a little bit more in control at just over 5 months in. Than in the 1st weeks and months.
I think its that as time goes on being without him has becomes my new normal. I hate it dont get me wrong and i still rage and cry that hes gone. But i try to plan little solo trips that i can tell him about when my time comes. We both firmly believed we would be together again after death. It sort of keeps me going.
I do hope it gets easier for you. Its just so terribly painful
Jx
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I just wish we knew for sure that we will meet up again “somewhere”. Of all the developments in the modern world, no-one knows what happens after death.
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My beloved husband died 8 mos ago today. He is the first thought on my mind when I wake up, think about him all day long and the last thought on my mind before I go to sleep. We were married 52 yrs, together 57. A very small improvement is that I don’t start crying immediately when I wake up. I fall apart later in the day. I am able to do the things I have to, because it is just me. We did not have children and I don’t live any where near family, and we all know how the support of friends wanes over time. I get the feeling people think “enough sadness”. So I spend time mostly alone. Just how it is. I too have a sister-in-law who never acknowledged my husbands death. Imagine 8 mos and not a word. I will never forgive that, but I struggle with my grief, and don’t have the emotional space for her.
My husband and I had a remarkable wonderful, loving marriage. I am so blessed he was in my life. I will never be the same, how could I be, and I know we all feel the same. I firmly believe we will be together again. That thought keeps me going. I just know God wouldn’t separate us. Every day I wake up and think “one day closer to being with him”. I had a friend tell me that was “really sad”. SAD, NO!! It is a beautiful thought. But we have said many times on this site, unless you have been where we are you can’t possibly understand.
Peace and love, Karen
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Karetired
What beautiful words.
I 100% agree. I will be with my Mike when i go. We always said whoever went 1st would wait for the other. I am now not scared of death.
57 years together. It must be excruciating for you. But you had the best possible luck in meeting him.
The way i am dealing with it is i try to go out or away and im storing up things to tell Mike when i see him next. My friends too have dropped off. 1 has even never been there for me. It opens your eyes. I am a much more understanding person from this.
Hugs
Jx
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Thank you @JaneD I appreciate your support. I have been trying to walk almost everyday, and I talk to him like a chatterbox! As I am doing things around the house I talk to him too. Does he hear me, I would love to think so. Wow! The enormity of everything. Such a difficult, painful journey.
Karen
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Karetired
Thank you as i talk to Mike all day long. I was thinking i was losing my marbles so its good to know im not alone.
You know i strongly think they can hear us. I saw a medium and while im sceptical she said things no one else would know. She said he was in the room. She told me his favourite meal, cauliflower cheese. And that he was wearing jeans with 2 holes in the knees. His favourite jeans. She said loads of stuff but mainly that he was there and with me.
I know if i had of gone 1st he would be going through this hell so i am greatful he is spared it.
Keep the faith. I do believe the next life is there.
Jx
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me to @JaneD I really do believe that we will be with our loved ones again. My husband would not have coped if I had gone 1st, his health would have deteriorated and he would have become totally absorbed in his work to handle (or not) his grief, . He also couldn’t cook and he probably wouldn’t have talked with friends about his feelings. In lots of ways I am glad that he didn’t have to suffer and experience the pain of grief,. That’s why I am determined to try and make some sort of a life, and make him proud. Its only 11 weeks for me, but I hope with patience, time and strength I will. Nothing but love and respect to you all on this journey xxx
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Karetired
Everything you have said resonates with me. Paul and I were married 54 years, together 57. It’s been over two years that I lost him and I feel exactly the same as you. I am lucky that I do have four children. Two of them live nearby and they are a blessing. I do try to put on a happy face in front of them as they are missing their dad like me, I too will be happy to join my love. Big hugs to you.
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I long for the day to be reunited. I struggle every day. I think about him every minute. He suffered terribly and I feel totally robbed of our future. It was Horrendous living through his demise. Too hard to think of anything good at the moment. I really try to find something nice to do or look forward to but I can’t.
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