You too Zoe. I can honestly say it has helped me knowing others are going through hell too. It sounds crass to say what we are all going through is ‘normal’ in an abnormal situation. It’s through here and Compassionate Friends that I realised that my feelings don’t indicate that it’s all my fault. I was super angry at her husband, who, at the time seemed unfeeling and cruel. Now I feel sorry for him too. In the bigger picture I can see that he did his best for many years trying to help my daughter and bring up the girls at the same time. They were so in love when they got married and had their lives to come together. No one wanted it to end the way it did. In my case it was daughters mental health that took her away, for others it may be cancer etc. all of us miss them. All of us would turn back the clock if we could. For me that added anger is that in the weeks and months before she died she was starting to accept that she and her husband weren’t together but she could survive herself without her husband on whom she was so dependant, and we were close again, she was doing the right things to cope. Then the worst thing that could happen to her, did happen. Awful as it all was I know try not to blame myself. Better over time to accept it was a tragedy most of all for my girl but also for my grandkids. I think the most poignant moment I can recall (there are hundreds) is when the youngest said to me ‘will mum remember me?’. I said she’s in your heart always. I haven’t cried for a few days but just remembering that particular moment has me off again. I am getting better at having a cry when I remember the saddest moments which were all the time I was conscious at first. Someone said to me there will always be unanswerable ifs and buts but in the end, when we can’t be sure it is better to hang onto whatever gives us comfort. I don’t think she intended to die but she just wanted at the moment in time to get some sleep. It’s truly is the most likely scenario so, in the lack of any other evidence I’m choosing to think she simply took too much accidentally and fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I saw her literally peacefully asleep minutes before she died. I’m trying to not deny the gravity of her mental health issues but not to think her last day was hell for her but a slipping away in her sleep. I am still here, my family is broken and so am I. The girls are in their teens and I hope they are more resilient than me and they deserve to have a life going forward. It’s hard for me but worse for them. I can’t take their pain away but I can do my best to show them their mum isn’t going to ever be forgotten and they have a whole life ahead and she wouldn’t want them to remember only her illness but also the good times with her. I don’t want my daughters life defined by how she died, but how she fought courageously on through many many dark times. I want them to grow and prosper despite the final tragedy. They are struggling but they too, with help and with support can go on to live their precious life and be happy again. More than me and her husband they especially need to know that none of this is anybodys fault. That the ‘grown ups’ can somehow carry on. If they see us able to start to cope better, they will see it’s possible. With them, like their mum, no one can wave a magic wand and make it go away. Their is hope that the future can be better for them than these last few months. They are entering adulthood in a couple of years and I want their lives to be as good as it can be. I can’t fix them, or myself, but with time and support we can all get through the unthinkable and come back from the darkest time to notice the sun still shines sometimes. It’s a start. When I look back at the initial shock and trauma even I can see that it’s not as bad as that was. I won’t have to see her coffin again, except in my mind. I won’t see her suffering, except in my mind. For all of us who have lost a daughter or son (I know some on here have lost even more than one child) there still can and will be moments of peace. I’m trying to use those moments to stop torturing myself and be kind to myself. Big hurdle but slowly, slowly we can live again. Not like it was but at least daily life doesn’t have to be crushingly awful every moment. Each chink of light is a hope. Each time we do something that helps us cope a bit, each new strategy we learn to get us through the day is worth hanging on to. Since I have made a few tentative steps forward (I’m terrified I will end up back in that pit of despair) I do see that time and support and trying at least to be kind to ourselves is a mammoth journey but I hang on to each ray of hope of a survivable future, It’s the best I can do and it’s a tiny start. This place has helped, I don’t feel like I’m the only one feeling so broken and we can at least have the comfort of knowing it’s part of the human condition to suffer loss. It’s not fair and it’s bleak to have to live on without them. But we are where we are and we need to grieve and we need to learn to live by keeping them in our hearts and carry on living as best we can. It’s never gonna be the same again but it won’t be absolutely unbearable every day forever. I’m clinging on to those thoughts as I try to find a way to live again, which seems a tall order but I think it is possible with time and help that there is some hope for parents like us who are left broken. This place, where we can share in safety has made me realise im not the only one carrying guilt and regrets and we are all mortal human beings ourselves too. We don’t have to beat ourselves up forever. It’s hard enough to get through each day and none of us deserved this. Nor did our lost children. None of us got the future we expected but we are still here and they aren’t. We can’t change the past but we can find a way somehow to carry on living ourselves. Slowly, slowly. Love to everyone on this often excruciating journey as we try and, against the odds, somehow carry on. Xxx
Dear Nell, your courage is amazing and inspiring.
I’ve also said we’re not superhuman beings, we couldn’t always fix things, though as mums we feel we should have and feel guilty that we didn’t. But you have such wisdom and astonishing strength. You must be a great comfort to your granddaughters, and I wish you and them peace and hope and love going forward, as you are so bravely doing.
Much love to you all, Ann 
Nell I have just read your very moving post.It has given me some comfort.And to all the Ladies on here I wish them love moving forward.It was Louise’s birthday yesterday .There was plenty of tears and here I am this morning having survived it. My Grandson who is 24 misses his mum At one point he had it in his head that his Grandad and me were going to die.We are all he’s gotThey are not itouch with their dad he has another family His loss
But with love and support he’s able to move forward.I send all my heartfelt good wishes to each one of you
Lovely, inspiring.hopeful.comforting words fro you all.All my love to you .Thank you 
Nell thank you for sharing your story. Jonny life had similar painful times and he was such a sweet loving man. Thank you for lighting a candle for the boys. I do it every morning and every night. I feel more peaceful with them and it feels as if I am honouring them in some small way.xxxxxxx
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Sorry to read about your son. My son was awful at replying and lived 5 minutes away so I went to check on him. I found him passed away on the sofa. He was cold like yours and it still bothers me that I don’t know how long before I got there that he went, I only know he was up snd about 1130pm and I went at 2pm. This was 7 weeks ago now and we had his funeral 2 weeks ago. We’re still waiting for a couple of results but the cause is unknown.
Im missing him so much. I used to want to go everywhere but now I don’t want to bump in to certain people, I don’t want to listen to the radio in the car, shopping feels like a task I want to get away from. He worked full time so I saw him whenever I could, usually every week but he was planning in coming back home. We had a family holiday booked too. He struggled with his epilepsy and that I’d a possible cause. I keep wishing for signs he’s here snd wish I could hold him. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me he felt unwell that day before or I would have checked on him more.
How are you all getting through it all? Thoughts are with you x
You will find the kindest most loving people here and on other threads who feel all the pain you are feeling.
We can’t change how things are, but we are together helping each other find our way through the grief, and sending our love and understanding Ann
Sarahben, I am so sorry for your loss I also lost a son he was 22 years old. I will tell you that since I have joined this site it has helped me to start processing feelings. It’s so nice to have other people that know how you feel and are going through the same thing. I I have been grieving for about 3 months. Right now I am having more bad days then good, but I Know that will change in time. Yes I do get impatient sometimes with the process but when I come on the site and I read other stories and reply it helps. I think you will get great support here.
Thank you sorry about your son. I don’t know about you but just feel lost and don’t know what to do. I keep asking myself why Ben, I know when they’re our kids we’re biased but he was such a caring wonderful person, very sarcastic but lovely. I miss him so much
Hi Sarah,
Yes…I ask the same question all the time “why Andrew?”.
It’s only just under 10 weeks since Andrew died and although I’m still in a very dark place I can honestly say that talking to all the lovely people on this site has helped me so much. Just knowing you are not alone and others understand the pain you are going through is such a help.
I still can’t listen to music in the car either and haven’t been able to face going shopping.
Like you we had a holiday booked for June…on the north Norfolk coast. It was the first time Andrew would have come for a full week with me, my partner and Andrew’s dog Ash. We all had tickets to see Bryan Adams at Blickling July 8th, 3 days after Andrew’s birthday. Me and Andrew had booked a detecting weekend for early September too.
So many plans and so many “firsts” for this year and now…nothing 
.
Actually I feel the same too about the day before he died . He walked round in the morning with Ash and I could see he wasn’t right but just thought it was because he’d been awake all night. Now I think what ever was going to happen was already happening and I so wish I’d spent more time with him that afternoon. I’ll never know though so I try not to keep thinking "if only " and “what if”.
As mothers we just think we could have saved them don’t we?
I hope talking to others on here will help you…they really are ALL amazing!
Love and warm hugs…Sue xxx
Thank you Sarahben. I feel lost also it’s an awful feeling he was a big part of my life. He was not only my son but my best friend I miss him terribly. I go to work everyday that is a good distraction, but there is so many triggers that you will run into that remind you of your son. You will be asking that question a lot I know that I did and occasionally I still do. So hard to wrap your head around everything. Your brain is full of grief and that makes it hard in the beginning, and it will soften little by little as time goes on.
Hi Sarah sorry for the loss of your son. Losing our children is not something we can ever prepare ourselves for. You will have more questions than answers Hopefully in time you will find some peace.I feel so heartbroken for everybody on here. Sending peace and hugs.
Kath
Nell you are truly amazing thankyou for sharing …i think we all have no choice but for ourselves and our familys we have to try .and it is true the sun does shine and you will laugh again .as you know i was really struggling .im angry and im not an angry person . But im up today dressed and enjoying the garden .sam loved the birds so im feeding them and when the robin appears i say hello boy .my new one is looking at the clouds and spotting faces .whatever makes us feel better love to you all .your all doing better than you think such early days all my love zoe
Sarah im truly sorry you find yourself on here .so many have joined in the few months ive been on .theres no words to make it ok . You just have to go with it .your in shock .true trauma be kind to yourself .we are all different you just have to get through the days .i comfort eat and have put on loads weight. Some people drink we all different just talk out loud to your children they can hear you sending you a big hug love zoe xx
I am so glad. All of this that’s happened has reminded me of the little things I took for granted before all this. Just a few minutes absorbed in nature or a book or even the washing up is a relief and a start. Sending you love x
Saraben - you have come to a good place here. It really does help to share with each other. You will find kindness, understanding and support here. Very warm wishes xx
Hi Zoe - Yesterday the police called me for my statement about my daughters death. I had imagined that they would only want details of that night. I was wrong, they asked about her whole life, beginning to end. I got through it and then all the full on anxiety and fear rushed in, like an electric shock. A friend came round and just let me talk and cry and asks answers to the unanswerable. It was bad but I got through it. This morning I’m not happy but calm. After 4 months (early days still) I can now at least recognise the feelings of fear and despair and that in itself helps. I’ve been at the bottom and crushed by anxiety before but this time, it’s not so unknown sadly it’s familiar. Because things have generally calmed down for my grandkids too that’s a big help. Coming on here helps. I’m not ‘better’ I never will be and I’m struggling a lot. Just noticing when I’ve enjoyed something, small things like watching something on telly that distracted me for a whole ten minutes, cleaning the kitchen floor and thinking ‘that looks better’. I’m not expecting more than that but I can at least for a tiny while get some pleasure. It’s nothing massive but it is a start. It’s a chink of light in the darkness. It might go all dark again but it’s a few moments worth having. It is at least something, a tiny ordinary moment that’s peaceful. I wish you and all of us chinks of light, a few moments of rest. Teeny, tiny but a start on the journey. Grief is good at taking everything away, not only our children, but our very selves, it’s an assault on our mind, heart, body, emotions and can feel so much like it’s ripping our heart out, non stop. So I’m grateful to enjoy cleaning the kitchen floor. I never thought I’d be grateful for that! Xxxx
Nell, you are having such an awful time, having to go over everything for the police. I hope they were kind to you. It’s good your friend was caring enough to just be there for you and let you be as you needed to be, to express your pain. Glad it’s a little bit easier for your grandchildren, and that you are getting some tiny chinks of light.
It’s a long journey Nell, but you are so brave and you will find the strength you need.
Much love, as you will find from everyone here, Ann
Oh Nell,
You did so well to get through the police interview. When the coroner rang me with the results of Andrew’s tests on Thursday he mentioned that I’ll almost certainly have a visit from the police too. He asked me if I would also like to make an informed statement on how I feel about Andrew’s life, treatments etc, etc . Anything he said that might help prevent the same kind of tragedy happening to others and help get addiction recognised as an illness so these people get more help. He has emailed me a letter and various forms but I haven’t looked at them yet.
I’ve also noticed…as have you…a few moments if respite from the relentless grief. The trouble is it just won’t, can’t go away can it? The realisation of never seeing our child again suddenly washes over again and the sobbing starts.
I keep telling myself that at least Andrew just fell asleep and didn’t wake up. Then I start thinking how sad I am for him, all the life he had to look forward to just wiped out. I know 100% that his death was accidental…he was incredibly happy with his life and was all ready for our days detecting. Even had his coffee cup with sugar and coffee in it ready beside the kettle. It breaks my heart to think of going the rest of my life without seeing him again but I have to accept it or I’ll go mad.
It sounds like we’re at very similar stage in our grief…Andrew died 20th March.
We all help each other on this site…don’t we? They say “It’s good to talk” and speaking to others on here is one of the best things in my life just now…
Love and hugs to you all…Sue xxxx
Dear Sue,
The ‘official’ stuff must stir up such mixed feelings. You know now that you could have done nothing for Andrew that terrible morning, it was a dreadful accident that took him from you. I’m glad you are able to remember what a good life he was having, how happy he was, having Ash, and a wonderful relationship with you. And he did just fall asleep, not knowing, no pain. It’s a tiny bit of consolation.
Awful, long journey my love, hope you can find some of Nell’s chinks of light.
Much love Ann xx