I’m so sorry you’ve lost your daughter Amy. it’s so horrendous…I do understand your pain having lost my son Henry in 2019.
I meditate - only started when Henry passed - it’s really helped me. I don’t take medication but I’d never knock it for anyone who finds it helpful. If they enable you to sleep that will be a massive help.
I’ve found a way most of the time to cope- some days are harder than others but I’m surviving. Take the tiny steps each day - know we are all with you and understand your pain.
My lovely jenna thank you for your beautiful words .been really down .need to put my big girls pants on . I would be so lost without this site .and you lovely people i know we all at different stages .sending you lots love jenna . I saw you went on the other page lost son 27 .lots people on there darling . Thinking of you big hugs xx
Hi Zoe - I have been quite poorly recently, very dow n
and feeling lost, just wishing the last few months had never happened. I just woke up one day and felt quite lost. Your texts give me hope that I can hold the pain and still have a life At the moment I feel quiet. I just light a candle for the boys and let the days and nights unfold and that is about it.all my love to everyone on here - I respect your courage all of you.xxxx
Hi Jenna - I’ve been thinking of you. I’m so glad you are feeling quiet tonight. You must be beyond exhausted. I’ve lit a candle for you and your boys. They will be with you in your heart, always. I hope you have a peaceful night and get some healing rest. Love and support to you. Xx
Hi jenna course you will be darling your in shock . Your loss is so great . Be proud you get up in the mornings . Dont know if you have a garden . Just get change scenerie. Your in my thoughts zoe xxx
You too Zoe. I can honestly say it has helped me knowing others are going through hell too. It sounds crass to say what we are all going through is ‘normal’ in an abnormal situation. It’s through here and Compassionate Friends that I realised that my feelings don’t indicate that it’s all my fault. I was super angry at her husband, who, at the time seemed unfeeling and cruel. Now I feel sorry for him too. In the bigger picture I can see that he did his best for many years trying to help my daughter and bring up the girls at the same time. They were so in love when they got married and had their lives to come together. No one wanted it to end the way it did. In my case it was daughters mental health that took her away, for others it may be cancer etc. all of us miss them. All of us would turn back the clock if we could. For me that added anger is that in the weeks and months before she died she was starting to accept that she and her husband weren’t together but she could survive herself without her husband on whom she was so dependant, and we were close again, she was doing the right things to cope. Then the worst thing that could happen to her, did happen. Awful as it all was I know try not to blame myself. Better over time to accept it was a tragedy most of all for my girl but also for my grandkids. I think the most poignant moment I can recall (there are hundreds) is when the youngest said to me ‘will mum remember me?’. I said she’s in your heart always. I haven’t cried for a few days but just remembering that particular moment has me off again. I am getting better at having a cry when I remember the saddest moments which were all the time I was conscious at first. Someone said to me there will always be unanswerable ifs and buts but in the end, when we can’t be sure it is better to hang onto whatever gives us comfort. I don’t think she intended to die but she just wanted at the moment in time to get some sleep. It’s truly is the most likely scenario so, in the lack of any other evidence I’m choosing to think she simply took too much accidentally and fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I saw her literally peacefully asleep minutes before she died. I’m trying to not deny the gravity of her mental health issues but not to think her last day was hell for her but a slipping away in her sleep. I am still here, my family is broken and so am I. The girls are in their teens and I hope they are more resilient than me and they deserve to have a life going forward. It’s hard for me but worse for them. I can’t take their pain away but I can do my best to show them their mum isn’t going to ever be forgotten and they have a whole life ahead and she wouldn’t want them to remember only her illness but also the good times with her. I don’t want my daughters life defined by how she died, but how she fought courageously on through many many dark times. I want them to grow and prosper despite the final tragedy. They are struggling but they too, with help and with support can go on to live their precious life and be happy again. More than me and her husband they especially need to know that none of this is anybodys fault. That the ‘grown ups’ can somehow carry on. If they see us able to start to cope better, they will see it’s possible. With them, like their mum, no one can wave a magic wand and make it go away. Their is hope that the future can be better for them than these last few months. They are entering adulthood in a couple of years and I want their lives to be as good as it can be. I can’t fix them, or myself, but with time and support we can all get through the unthinkable and come back from the darkest time to notice the sun still shines sometimes. It’s a start. When I look back at the initial shock and trauma even I can see that it’s not as bad as that was. I won’t have to see her coffin again, except in my mind. I won’t see her suffering, except in my mind. For all of us who have lost a daughter or son (I know some on here have lost even more than one child) there still can and will be moments of peace. I’m trying to use those moments to stop torturing myself and be kind to myself. Big hurdle but slowly, slowly we can live again. Not like it was but at least daily life doesn’t have to be crushingly awful every moment. Each chink of light is a hope. Each time we do something that helps us cope a bit, each new strategy we learn to get us through the day is worth hanging on to. Since I have made a few tentative steps forward (I’m terrified I will end up back in that pit of despair) I do see that time and support and trying at least to be kind to ourselves is a mammoth journey but I hang on to each ray of hope of a survivable future, It’s the best I can do and it’s a tiny start. This place has helped, I don’t feel like I’m the only one feeling so broken and we can at least have the comfort of knowing it’s part of the human condition to suffer loss. It’s not fair and it’s bleak to have to live on without them. But we are where we are and we need to grieve and we need to learn to live by keeping them in our hearts and carry on living as best we can. It’s never gonna be the same again but it won’t be absolutely unbearable every day forever. I’m clinging on to those thoughts as I try to find a way to live again, which seems a tall order but I think it is possible with time and help that there is some hope for parents like us who are left broken. This place, where we can share in safety has made me realise im not the only one carrying guilt and regrets and we are all mortal human beings ourselves too. We don’t have to beat ourselves up forever. It’s hard enough to get through each day and none of us deserved this. Nor did our lost children. None of us got the future we expected but we are still here and they aren’t. We can’t change the past but we can find a way somehow to carry on living ourselves. Slowly, slowly. Love to everyone on this often excruciating journey as we try and, against the odds, somehow carry on. Xxx
Dear Nell, your courage is amazing and inspiring.
I’ve also said we’re not superhuman beings, we couldn’t always fix things, though as mums we feel we should have and feel guilty that we didn’t. But you have such wisdom and astonishing strength. You must be a great comfort to your granddaughters, and I wish you and them peace and hope and love going forward, as you are so bravely doing.
Much love to you all, Ann
Nell I have just read your very moving post.It has given me some comfort.And to all the Ladies on here I wish them love moving forward.It was Louise’s birthday yesterday .There was plenty of tears and here I am this morning having survived it. My Grandson who is 24 misses his mum At one point he had it in his head that his Grandad and me were going to die.We are all he’s gotThey are not itouch with their dad he has another family His loss
But with love and support he’s able to move forward.I send all my heartfelt good wishes to each one of you
Nell thank you for sharing your story. Jonny life had similar painful times and he was such a sweet loving man. Thank you for lighting a candle for the boys. I do it every morning and every night. I feel more peaceful with them and it feels as if I am honouring them in some small way.xxxxxxx
Sorry to read about your son. My son was awful at replying and lived 5 minutes away so I went to check on him. I found him passed away on the sofa. He was cold like yours and it still bothers me that I don’t know how long before I got there that he went, I only know he was up snd about 1130pm and I went at 2pm. This was 7 weeks ago now and we had his funeral 2 weeks ago. We’re still waiting for a couple of results but the cause is unknown.
Im missing him so much. I used to want to go everywhere but now I don’t want to bump in to certain people, I don’t want to listen to the radio in the car, shopping feels like a task I want to get away from. He worked full time so I saw him whenever I could, usually every week but he was planning in coming back home. We had a family holiday booked too. He struggled with his epilepsy and that I’d a possible cause. I keep wishing for signs he’s here snd wish I could hold him. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me he felt unwell that day before or I would have checked on him more.
How are you all getting through it all? Thoughts are with you x
You will find the kindest most loving people here and on other threads who feel all the pain you are feeling.
We can’t change how things are, but we are together helping each other find our way through the grief, and sending our love and understanding Ann
Sarahben, I am so sorry for your loss I also lost a son he was 22 years old. I will tell you that since I have joined this site it has helped me to start processing feelings. It’s so nice to have other people that know how you feel and are going through the same thing. I I have been grieving for about 3 months. Right now I am having more bad days then good, but I Know that will change in time. Yes I do get impatient sometimes with the process but when I come on the site and I read other stories and reply it helps. I think you will get great support here.
Thank you sorry about your son. I don’t know about you but just feel lost and don’t know what to do. I keep asking myself why Ben, I know when they’re our kids we’re biased but he was such a caring wonderful person, very sarcastic but lovely. I miss him so much
it’s so horrendous…I do understand your pain having lost my son Henry in 2019.
