Well,
I picked up my sons ashes today.
I found it very, very difficult to accept that the box on my lap in the car was all that was left of my beautiful boy.
I’ve had better days 
Sue xxxx
Oh, SueDav , that must have been extremely difficult for you to do . But you know what you did it ! That shows strength . I often sit here and think omg how did I do this but somehow we do get the strength from somewhere deep in ourselves . Xxx big hugs
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Life is very bitter sweet
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Andrew’s dad, my ex husband, came with me. We took his ashes back to Andrew’s flat for a while and sat and cried and talked. Andrew is now here at my home with me, the home he grew up in and still thought of as home even though he had his flat. He loved his flat too…it’s going to be very hard to eventually let it go.
Oh…how I miss my boy…this is so unfair. He had so much to live for.
No words today, just so much love for you.
Ann
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That will have been hard for you. It is something we can never prepare ourselves for. Hugs
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So true , as I keep saying what a cruel world life just feels so empty your just so lost and empty inside . Xxxx
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Hi Jenna, sending hugs to you. Havent posted for a while as have been feeling sorry for myself because im missing Neil. I know you feel the same for your boys but double the sadness. Take care and all you ladies take care and be kind to yourselves
. Sending hugs to all xxx
Hello Welshie - no you have not been feeling sorry for yourself you have been grieving your boy. It is a mixture of horror and profound sadness and that is where we are right here right now. We miss them, we want them, we want it all to be different but it just can’t and I hate that. Somehow that just calms me now. To know that I cannot do anything to change it. W with jonny I felt and sometimes still do very guilty and I spent months crying into the night for all my omissions ‘if I had done this or done that, I had no compassion for myself that throughout that time I was grieving for Adrian. I was mercilessly cruel to myself. Somehow recently when my mind spirals into this way of thinking I say to jonny, ’ I love you, I miss you, my sweet, sweet boy,’ and this often stops the repetitive self hating thoughts that do not help me and certainly not Jonny. Of course you miss your boy, your child your baby. I think what Zoe says is right - we all do it differently this grief and loss. In our own time and our own way ,although of course with some similarities. So take it easy. Welshie hope you do not think me rude for asking but are you welsh? I originally come from west wales but but moved down South a long long time ago. Will be thinking of you and your beloved boy.x love also to all the great people on here who have helped me so much.xxxxxx
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Hi Jenna - I can relate to what you are saying. I’m finding it hard not to blame myself although I know that really no one is to blame. It’s a bloody terrible tragedy and we are broken enough without beating ourselves up on top of it. Easy to say it’s nobody’s fault, but hard for any mum not to feel she should have prevented it. We couldn’t. I know I did my best to support my daughter and from your words I know that you did everything you could for your boys. Your love shines. Sending you my very best hugs and thoughts x
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Hi Nell - your posts are always welcomed. I cannot comprehend how you can give so much and still in the early stages of grief for your child. Y
I however am so so grateful for this ability.insight and compassion that you always give. Bless youxxxxx
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Jenna - I would say the same about you, seeing your posts and your kindness to others (me included), when you are in the middle of such tragic circumstances is really heartwarming. As ever I send you respect and compassion. This site and talking to people like you has made me realise that others are travelling the same path and we have so much in common. Least we can stumble along knowing that others understand and really want to hear how we feel and even when things seem unbearable we will have a safe place to talk, to experts - the people on here who are grieving too. Hugs x
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Nell - thank you for saying that it,s very thoughtful and kind. Lots of good thoughts sent your wayxxx
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Hi ladies.
Thank you so much for all your kind wishes yesterday .i didnt do much .i got sam some balloons red carnations .jess came round we had chinese .very strange day . A year its like yesterday . Sams advert come on tv on cue and music on radio .the robin followed me round the garden . I hope there signs my sams around .my grandaughter is three .she came out of nursery and said nanny sam watched me play today .out of the blue she says his in heaven we cant pull him back. Shes quite amazing . Thinking of all you lovely ladys take each day as it comes .i was awake till 4am .so i got up at 12 .do whatever gets you through the day i just went b and q plants make me smile .sam would laugh how can they make you smile so much mum . I used to say your trainers make you smile plants are my thing . Sending you all hugs and love small steps .xxx love zoe xx
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Zoe that was lovely I am sure your Sam was watching .I think they are all around us.They never leave our hearts and minds.Xxx
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Hi Jenna, you always say such lovely things i am so gladthat we all have this site as it really does help us. And i dont mind you asking, yes im from Cardiff and love going to west wales especially Tenby and Lydstep. Big hugs xxx
Dear Zoe
I’m sure Sam was watching his little niece and she knew. Children know a lot!
Glad you had those signs, the robin, and glad plants make you smile - a little bit of happiness to hold on to.
Much love, 
Ann
My little grandson, 4, lives in France and there ‘heaven’ and ‘sky’ are the same thing. He told my son he was going to climb up and punch a hole in the sky so we could talk to auntie Kat (Katherine).
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Ah, bless him xxx
Zoe - it sounds as if you put your whole heart and soul to make this a special day for Sam and the whole family too. Sending lovexxxx
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