Theres no right words we all on this awful road im so sorry for us all sending you all big hugs 
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Hi all. Reading a lots of posts. When does it get easier??? Does it get easier???
My experience!!!
When my boy died. There isn’t a phrase or sentence that capsulated the enormity of this event.
I think the 1st thing that happens is the shock and the numbness. We aren’t designed to cope with such shock. We robotically do what we have to do. Attend hospitals or speak to officials. The first few days are just a complete haze. During this time eating and sleeping are just an alien concept. By the time the funeral comes around. Your whole life has changed beyond recognition. I’d cried a river by this time. I dreaded the funeral and everything attached to it. People coming up and trying their best to say something/ anything they could think of to ease the awkwardness. When all I wanted to do was curl up and die. I wanted to be in the coffin with my boy to make sure he was ok , so he wasn’t on his own.
After the funeral when all the fanfare dies down. The feeling of helplessness and loneliness are overwhelming. Constantly crying. Breaking down. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. There is absolutely nothing anyone can say that is of any help or interest. Your mind plays tricks on you. You get random memories with no rhyme or reason. The most ridiculous things can reduce you to tears and you can’t explain it to people. Your body clock is all over the place. You don’t want to get up. Go out. Talk to people. Everyone else,s problems around you are absolutely trivial. At times your heartache is so severe you think about ending it. Time becomes completely irrelevant. Hours , days weeks all merge in to one. You loose all your self confidence. You don’t take care of yourself. You drink. I would start drinking and the pain of loosing him would get worse and worse as the evening went on. My wife would leave me to it as she couldn’t witness me forcing whiskey down with tears streaming down my face. By the end of the night I would be totally exhausted and drained of any self worth. But my head would hit the pillow and I would fall into a deep sleep. A single thought wouldn’t spoil my sleep I was so drunk. But then morning comes and it all starts again. I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I just couldn’t be bothered with people around me. I felt everyone was talking about me or pointing at me. Whispering behind my back. The enormity of what happened almost feels like my whole body had changed. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I had no pride or self esteem. I practically felt like a lost child. I was so emotional over everything. The crying never stops. By the time I got to the 6 month point I was just an empty shell of a person. None of my friends would speak to me. Everyone avoided me. I really thought I was in a never ending living hell. The darkness went on forever. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. When I look back now I’m amazed I got through it. It really is the worse journey in the world.
I’m at year 7. I know for some of you that may seem a lifetime away. But believe me it goes by in a flash. Time becomes meaningless. 7 years is no time at all. I couldn’t tell you what I was doing for most of it apart from crying ( and yes I’m a bloke).
But there is life afterwards. It takes time. I can’t tell you how long because it’s different for everyone. I still get them lightning bolts in the middle of the night. When you suddenly wake up and it’s like you are reliving it all over again. But it’s more of a short sharp shock thing that goes as quickly as it comes.
I miss my boy every single day. I have changed mentally beyond the person I used to be. I’m totally different from the Jim I once was. But I can do all the things that normal people do now. If you didn’t know me you would never know I lost my precious boy. To the untrained eye I can pull it off. If you saw me in the supermarket or the pub or on holiday you couldn’t tell the difference between me and a normal person. So in answer to your question. You do get your life back. But it’s different. It’s not the one you signed up for. But it’s one you can manage. You will never get over your loss. And there will be times you crumble. There will be plenty of times you want to tell people to “go away”. Only in stronger terms . But you can start to live again. Not 100%. It will never be a 100%. Because part of you is missing. Oh and get used to sleepless nights they are a constant.
Ok thanks for listening.
Jim.
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Hi jim im so glad you shared on this page the ladys are mostly in there first year .you always say it how it is .you makes such sense in how this horrible journey is . Thinking of you .thank you for sharing .as ive said before you could write a book take care zoe xx
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Thanks Zoe 
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Hi Jim thanks for sharing your heartbreaking journey. It is 4 months since I lost my daughter.It will be her birthday on Thurs 26th.And I am already thinking about it tears come easily.She was in hospital for 6 months before her death.She had muscle wastage and blood clots .She was so fit and well until she had the astra zenica vaccine.And she just deteriorated a couple of days after.We knew it was life changing but not life threatening.She got pneumonia and she couldn’t fight it off.And was on end of life care.It was horrendous watching her slowly slip away.I get a crumb of comfort knowing she wouldn’t have wanted to live like that because she was completely paralysed. But I would have still looked after her even though she didn’t want me to.
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Morning all , woke up this morning to lots of new posts . I’m very down and just feel so lost . I just had no energy yesterday and basically done nothing just feel like I’m so empty and just existing . But as mad as it sounds you do get comfort from this platform . SueDav yes just didn’t have the strength to go back to work to hard for me . Doctor signed me off for three weeks going to try and get another sick note on Monday just can’t face it being around so many people , My grandson is coming today for the weekend he will keep me busy !! Big hugs to all xxxxx
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Thank you once again Jim…and Zoe, Ann, Nell, Teddy, Kath and everyone else.
I read all your posts and feel for you all. I keep hoping I’ll read something that gives me hope that things will get easier in time. I look back at your oldest posts and compare with your latest to see how far along your journeys you are. Just hoping that your lives are easier and more bearable than at the beginning.
Jim…7years on…you give us all hope.
I know I’m a newbie to your group…strange to think that just over 2 months ago I didn’t even know you existed let alone know of this horrendous pain you are all going through. The club no one wants to be a member of!
I’m finding it incredibly hard to find any purpose in my life just now.
Monday to Friday I went to Andrew’s flat at 1pm each day to let Ash the dog out, usually washed up Andrew’s tea things from night before. Andrew always WhatsApp 'd me and we’d have a chat about how his day was going. Sometimes I’d spend a couple of hours in flat doing a bit of housework…he always insisted on paying me even though I loved being there.
In the evening he’d often pop round for a cup of tea, Ash had turned the top of my garden into a race track and we’d laugh at him sprinting round. More often than not I’d have made a curry or sausage casserole for Andrew to take home.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights I work at Asda but as I don’t start until 10pm I could still fit everything else in during the day. Sometimes I’d even pop in to see Andrew on my way home in the morning…as he got up for work…drop some bits of shopping off for him.
Saturday and Sunday we’d go metal detecting together. Not always all day on Saturday as I’d been at work Friday night but my partner was more than happy to look after Ash while we went out as he likes to watch his football and grand prix weekends.
Me and Andrew belong to a couple of detecting groups that we saw on the Sundays , we have so many friends amongst them. Once the harvests start coming in we have our own fields that we loved going to…just us and quite often Andrew’s dad, my ex husband, would join us. Lovely sunny days full of laughter and the excitement of finding something nice. Sitting eating our cheese rolls, drinking coffee…our detecting picnic.
So this was my life…Andrew was my life or at least included in 90% of it. Now there is such a massive hole left by losing him I can’t see it ever getting any better.
I loved doing all these things for him, spending all that time with him. It made me so happy to see him happy and we laughed together so much. It’s just such an empty life without him in it.
Sorry to run on
Sue xxx
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I’m glad to hear you got signed off work Teddy. When Andrew died my doctor signed me off for 2 months which runs out on 5th June but I know I won’t be going back to work then, I just wouldn’t be able to. So hopefully I’ll be signed off again for a couple more months.
We just keep going don’t we, one day at a time? Just waiting, hoping it gets a little easier.
Love and hugs to all
Sue xxx
Hi sue. I no I’m 7 years in but believe it flys past in no time. I no it won’t seem like that for you but it really does. I too haven’t been on this site for very long, but I am still learning by taking notice of other people’s posts. Anything at all that helps is welcome in my book. Take care sue. Jim
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Gorgeous happy pic, Sue. Something to treasure xxx
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Hi sue my heartbreaks for you .Andrew such a big part of your life everyday life .like sam .he was 24 he lived at home .if im honest he was semi recluse his family was everything .he didnt work . But he was happy .spent my days with him .my life was him too. He spent lots of time with jess and the kids he was like there dad .jess best friend .he has left this big hole in our lives .a gentle giant loved everyone . Its cruel ver cruel .he was so very brave . Now im going on but its nice to talk about them my grandaughter got a bouncy castle today for her 4th birthday party .she said dont worry nanny sam can see us from the sky xxxxx take care zoe xxx
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It’s so hard because they were such a big part of our lives so we have an even bigger void to try and fill. I don’t have grandchildren but it must be a real blessing for you . Lovely that your little granddaughter talks about Sam
Andrew used to pull our wheelie bin over to fill the gap between garage and conservatory so Ash wouldn’t run out. I just heard my neighbour moving her garden bin and the tears are flowing again. It doesn’t take much. 
Hugs Sue xxxx
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Thanks Ann…along with the other few hundreds. I loved taking photos of Andrew and Ash. Lots of selfies of us detecting too…he was so photogenic unlike me which was cause for much laughter again!!
Love Sue xxx
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Thank you Jim. Your honest and positive thoughts are very good to hear. It provides a bit of the bigger picture going forward. I’m hopeful that my future without my daughter won’t be all bleak, all the time. It’s early days for me, but in the last week or so there have been chinks of light where I become absorbed in something I’m doing and suddenly realise I’ve enjoyed doing a task, or I’ve spent a whole 15 minutes thinking of something different from my loss. It’s the baby steps everyone talks about. Thank you so much for sharing. You are a real tonic! Xx
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Thanks Nell. Yes that’s exactly what I was trying to get across. The day comes when thoughts about your son or daughter are not all consuming. Baby steps indeed. But in an otherwise dire situation it is a little bit of positive.
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Lovely your able to talk so openly about Andrew , I’m not at that stage yet ! I hopefully one day I will xxxx
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Talk about not being photogenic, Sue!
Kath was very photogenic, (though not in this pic!), me never.
But I like it because we were just being daft, having fun, and that is what I want to remember.
Lovely photo xxxxx
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