Hi Sarah,
Yes…I ask the same question all the time “why Andrew?”.
It’s only just under 10 weeks since Andrew died and although I’m still in a very dark place I can honestly say that talking to all the lovely people on this site has helped me so much. Just knowing you are not alone and others understand the pain you are going through is such a help.
I still can’t listen to music in the car either and haven’t been able to face going shopping.
Like you we had a holiday booked for June…on the north Norfolk coast. It was the first time Andrew would have come for a full week with me, my partner and Andrew’s dog Ash. We all had tickets to see Bryan Adams at Blickling July 8th, 3 days after Andrew’s birthday. Me and Andrew had booked a detecting weekend for early September too.
So many plans and so many “firsts” for this year and now…nothing 
.
Actually I feel the same too about the day before he died . He walked round in the morning with Ash and I could see he wasn’t right but just thought it was because he’d been awake all night. Now I think what ever was going to happen was already happening and I so wish I’d spent more time with him that afternoon. I’ll never know though so I try not to keep thinking "if only " and “what if”.
As mothers we just think we could have saved them don’t we?
I hope talking to others on here will help you…they really are ALL amazing!
Love and warm hugs…Sue xxx
Thank you Sarahben. I feel lost also it’s an awful feeling he was a big part of my life. He was not only my son but my best friend I miss him terribly. I go to work everyday that is a good distraction, but there is so many triggers that you will run into that remind you of your son. You will be asking that question a lot I know that I did and occasionally I still do. So hard to wrap your head around everything. Your brain is full of grief and that makes it hard in the beginning, and it will soften little by little as time goes on.
Hi Sarah sorry for the loss of your son. Losing our children is not something we can ever prepare ourselves for. You will have more questions than answers Hopefully in time you will find some peace.I feel so heartbroken for everybody on here. Sending peace and hugs.
Kath
Nell you are truly amazing thankyou for sharing …i think we all have no choice but for ourselves and our familys we have to try .and it is true the sun does shine and you will laugh again .as you know i was really struggling .im angry and im not an angry person . But im up today dressed and enjoying the garden .sam loved the birds so im feeding them and when the robin appears i say hello boy .my new one is looking at the clouds and spotting faces .whatever makes us feel better love to you all .your all doing better than you think such early days all my love zoe 
Sarah im truly sorry you find yourself on here .so many have joined in the few months ive been on .theres no words to make it ok . You just have to go with it .your in shock .true trauma be kind to yourself .we are all different you just have to get through the days .i comfort eat and have put on loads weight. Some people drink we all different just talk out loud to your children they can hear you sending you a big hug love zoe xx
I am so glad. All of this that’s happened has reminded me of the little things I took for granted before all this. Just a few minutes absorbed in nature or a book or even the washing up is a relief and a start. Sending you love x
Saraben - you have come to a good place here. It really does help to share with each other. You will find kindness, understanding and support here. Very warm wishes xx
Hi Zoe - Yesterday the police called me for my statement about my daughters death. I had imagined that they would only want details of that night. I was wrong, they asked about her whole life, beginning to end. I got through it and then all the full on anxiety and fear rushed in, like an electric shock. A friend came round and just let me talk and cry and asks answers to the unanswerable. It was bad but I got through it. This morning I’m not happy but calm. After 4 months (early days still) I can now at least recognise the feelings of fear and despair and that in itself helps. I’ve been at the bottom and crushed by anxiety before but this time, it’s not so unknown sadly it’s familiar. Because things have generally calmed down for my grandkids too that’s a big help. Coming on here helps. I’m not ‘better’ I never will be and I’m struggling a lot. Just noticing when I’ve enjoyed something, small things like watching something on telly that distracted me for a whole ten minutes, cleaning the kitchen floor and thinking ‘that looks better’. I’m not expecting more than that but I can at least for a tiny while get some pleasure. It’s nothing massive but it is a start. It’s a chink of light in the darkness. It might go all dark again but it’s a few moments worth having. It is at least something, a tiny ordinary moment that’s peaceful. I wish you and all of us chinks of light, a few moments of rest. Teeny, tiny but a start on the journey. Grief is good at taking everything away, not only our children, but our very selves, it’s an assault on our mind, heart, body, emotions and can feel so much like it’s ripping our heart out, non stop. So I’m grateful to enjoy cleaning the kitchen floor. I never thought I’d be grateful for that! Xxxx
Nell, you are having such an awful time, having to go over everything for the police. I hope they were kind to you. It’s good your friend was caring enough to just be there for you and let you be as you needed to be, to express your pain. Glad it’s a little bit easier for your grandchildren, and that you are getting some tiny chinks of light.
It’s a long journey Nell, but you are so brave and you will find the strength you need.
Much love, as you will find from everyone here, Ann
Oh Nell,
You did so well to get through the police interview. When the coroner rang me with the results of Andrew’s tests on Thursday he mentioned that I’ll almost certainly have a visit from the police too. He asked me if I would also like to make an informed statement on how I feel about Andrew’s life, treatments etc, etc . Anything he said that might help prevent the same kind of tragedy happening to others and help get addiction recognised as an illness so these people get more help. He has emailed me a letter and various forms but I haven’t looked at them yet.
I’ve also noticed…as have you…a few moments if respite from the relentless grief. The trouble is it just won’t, can’t go away can it? The realisation of never seeing our child again suddenly washes over again and the sobbing starts.
I keep telling myself that at least Andrew just fell asleep and didn’t wake up. Then I start thinking how sad I am for him, all the life he had to look forward to just wiped out. I know 100% that his death was accidental…he was incredibly happy with his life and was all ready for our days detecting. Even had his coffee cup with sugar and coffee in it ready beside the kettle. It breaks my heart to think of going the rest of my life without seeing him again but I have to accept it or I’ll go mad.
It sounds like we’re at very similar stage in our grief…Andrew died 20th March.
We all help each other on this site…don’t we? They say “It’s good to talk” and speaking to others on here is one of the best things in my life just now…
Love and hugs to you all…Sue xxxx
Dear Sue,
The ‘official’ stuff must stir up such mixed feelings. You know now that you could have done nothing for Andrew that terrible morning, it was a dreadful accident that took him from you. I’m glad you are able to remember what a good life he was having, how happy he was, having Ash, and a wonderful relationship with you. And he did just fall asleep, not knowing, no pain. It’s a tiny bit of consolation.
Awful, long journey my love, hope you can find some of Nell’s chinks of light.
Much love Ann xx
Thank you Ann,
I hope too you’re seeing a few moments of light and peace too and remembering all your happy times with Katherine.
It’s always so nice to read your posts…thank you so much for being there for everyone with just the right words.
Love and hugs Sue xxxxxx
Hi everyone thinking of you all .im further along on the journey but no one griefs the same . As you know ive just had a big blip. And my blood pressure and pulse through the roof .but we all have good and bad moments .whatever we do .coffee .walk .laugh.cry our babys are there in our minds the new normal .a year on and still think sam will be home when i come through the door .i decorated the front room after sam passed .but then felt guilty he never saw it . But maybe he sits with me on the sofa. Sam loved arsenal colour red so i put a little splash of red here and there it brings me comfort .i love flowers only got a small garden but i potter for hours …ladys do anything that gives you a bit of peace .your all still in shock sending big hugs to you all much love zoe
Hello Zoe I hope you are feeling okay yes we definitely have Blips I cried last night I got up this Saturday morning and started to cry when will that morning crying ever stop. I guess I have to hold it in a lot when I am at work and it comes out when I am stationary. Weekends are the hardest for me. Last weekend wasn’t bad at all it was a good weekend but now I feel like I have gone backwards. My boyfriend wanted me to go visit a friend with him today and I just don’t feel like I can because out of nowhere tears flow. I feel awful because I really want to do these things and it makes me upset that right now I just don’t feel like doing them. I hope everyone is having a better morning 
Two lovely boys xxx
Dont hold your tears in racy the thing is theres no rules i cry every day . It does get a little easier . But it will never leave us the new normal. You can only do what your body will allow right now zoe xxxx
Beautiful picture your pride and joy treasure your photos and your memorys big hug to you sue.keep going for Andrew .xx
Yes thank you Zoe I know this in my mind but sometimes I get so frustrated that I can’t do the things that I used to right now.
I have cancelled 3 family gatherings.2 barbecues and wedding.I always say I am going then I get panicky and anxious and cancel at last minute. I used to feel guilty but now I’ve learned to do what suits me. We must be kind to ourselves.I am sure the sun will shine again for everyone.