Hi suedav how was your metal detecting go ? Xxx
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Please ignore go
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Hi Teddy, thanks for askingā¦it was so nice to be out in the fields again.
I cried a few times when people spoke to me about Andrew but it was also lovely to talk about him. He is missed by everyone.
I had his boiler serviced today ( part of the sale) by one of his gas engineer mates. Andrew used to work with him when he first learnt his trade. He was telling me lots of different stories about the times they worked togetherā¦he said he cried for weeks and still does. Someone who works at Asda with my partner told him that her brother used to work with Andrew and was so upset after he died that he couldnāt work for a while.
He never knew how loved he was by all these peopleā¦he was such a funny, caring, beautiful person and heās left a big hole in so many lives and hearts.
Iāve been feeling very peaceful recently. I still cry a lot, still miss him but just feel so calm and can see the beauty in things again. I donāt wake up with that awful jolt of realisation anymore. I can laugh at things again.
I feel almost guilty telling you all thisā¦I donāt want anyone to think I donāt love and miss him because it must sound like Iām just getting on with my life.
I donāt want to be sad around my motherā¦sheās 91 and her last years should be happy ones. So Iām a āhappyā me when Iām with her and although sheās sad that Andrew isnāt here it helps her to see me smiling.
We all only have one life and I know Andrew would want me to carry on and appreciate living, watching out for shooting stars, marvelling at the beautiful full moonā¦all the things we enjoyed together.
Iām waffling I know but when I read lots of the posts on here I feel terribly sad for the heartache everyone is enduring but I want to say that it is possible to feel happy again. Never quite the same, always missing that person but hopefully without that awful bleak pain of those first weeks and months.
Nowā¦after saying all that about my lifeā¦how are you getting on Teddy?
Are you feeling calmer and able to enjoy brighter days? I do hope so. Are you still off work?
Iām lucky that I get my state pension now and although itās not a fortune I think I should be able to manage ( with my partner still working) so I donāt plan to return to work once my sick leave finishes.
I appreciate how lucky I am to have this optionā¦to be honest if it could bring Andrew back Iād happily work until Iām 100 but thatās not possible is it?
How is your other son coping with everythingā¦it must be very hard for him too?
Sorry to run onā¦thank you so much for thinking about meā¦lots of love to you and everyone else, sorry Iāve not had much to say latelyā¦but Iāve made up for it now 
xxxx
Hi Welshie,
Iām so sorry I hadnāt replied to your postā¦I get a bit lost on all the different threads.
How are you at the momentā¦physically I mean more than mentally? I hope you donāt have to wait too long for a transplantā¦that youāre able to keep feeling well and cope with things whilst waiting.
Yesā¦thank youā¦I do have many more brighter days now. Iāve tried to explain in my earlier post tonight how Iāve been feeling. It worries me a little that I might sound hard hearted and not truly grieving for my son. I just feel so calmā¦I hope itās my natural optimism but suspect that the sertraline might be helping more than I thought it would.
I still suffer with the ātriggersā and still find I canāt really listen to music. My partner had his music playing in the car on Sunday and David Soul singing Silver Lady came on. I had that in my car too and remember Andrew telling me to turn it up as he sang alongā¦not really his era as he was only 38. Anyway I had to get Matt to turn it off and then I sobbed for the rest of the journey.
I hope your days are also getting brighter and really hope you are keeping well.
Love and hugs Sue xxxx
Hi lovely ladies , I know it sounds crazy but I read all the posts but I canāt think about anything itās like I have shut down and so scared to think about things . Itās like Iām in my own little world and just try and get through the days ! Definitely think the medication is helping not waking up shaking as much ! Xxxxx
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Hello Cawkey - I stand with you in your pain and suffering. To loose your child and then to be told it could have been avoided is another burden to carry. I am so sorry that this was the outcome of your long wait. I will be thinking of you and your boy and send love and peace. I hope that you have all the support that you need around you Cawkey - this site will help.
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Thankyou Jenna for your kind words, it means alot. To have so many of our questions answered yesterday so hard and brought all the pain of losing Brandon all over again. Especially when you trust the people that are meant to make you feel better but now knowing they made numerous mistakes and the people involved will be to that his death was because of their neglect and no further action will be taken. So they get to carry on but i will nevet see my beautiful son again or hear him laugh.
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Cawkey - It is a terrible place for you to be standing.I think you will need some help to recover from hospital blunders that has left you without your beautiful boy. Loosing a child is such a profound loss Cawkey and he was indeed very young. Bless you your child and all of your family.xxxxx
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Hi Jenna , how you doing ? Xxx
Hi jenna and teddy . Nice to see you back on think of you often . We all on this terrible rollercoaster xx
We most definitely are !! I just never really know what to say to anyone Iām just numb . Xxxx
I really get that Teddy .its like we living in a film or something or we dreaming . When i come home i still think sam will be here.15 months on it feels like yesterday. I have so many things to tell him big hugs xxx
Itās like time just stays still in your head and the months are rolling in ! Frightening xxx
Hi Teddy - I think it all takes so long to even get anything like we were before because it a huge life changing experience. Our life expectations havenāt turned out how we expected. Weāve lost our child and the pain will never go away. Over time tho we will learn coping skills and hopefully and importantly, to be kind to ourselves. Weāve all been through a hell of a lot that most parents are lucky enough to not have experienced. We are still alive and they arenāt. Itās about as awful as it can be we didnāt choose any of this and nor did our kids. When I look back over the last six months itās a nightmare but I am still here. Every day is not as bad as it was, thatās something. There are chinks of light. Sending you all my very best xxxxxx
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Hi Teddy and Nell . Yes its changed life forever .its a nightmare our children shouldnt go before us .its not the right order . Its like we sort of waiting .waiting for change but there not coming .its a awful feeling though i can smile . But this thing in your head its horrible . I hope time heals but it never be same again .big hugs xxx
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Thank you ladies , I actually think it gets harder , you just loose track off time I sometimes donāt even know what day it is or even the date . Just getting through the days as all off us on here . Xxxx
Hi Sue
Im so happy that you are feeling more positive. We will all get the sad times but hopefully, like you say, you only get one life and we must try and live it best we can. Im dreading that in a few week time it will be 1 year since Neil passed away. He will never be forgotton as long as im here but we have to try and go on for all our family. Glad you enjoyed your detecting. Take care 
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I know the feeling, its these little triggers that keep us remembering although they make you sad.
I know Sue, i get a bit confused on where to post so look for familiar names, especially yours.
I am not too bad atm. I had my last transplant from my brother and that was 24 years ago which is now failing so never been on the list before. Just makes me aware that someone has to pass away for the transplant to take place, another families loss.
So, maybe dialysis for a while, but fingers crossed not yet 
xxx
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Hi lovely ladies , hope everyone is doing ok xxxx
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Hello Teddy hope u are as ok as can be
Still having a preety rough time to be honest- I miss my boys very much but it is a bit easier. I think your Daniel died at the beginning of December , same as jonny. It seems an age since i was in touch and this whole year has been hard. My grandson was just here ahe 14 today , 5ft 11 and all muscle. Looks like his dad adrian and has the same voice and mannerism.Hope you are managing, did u go back to work?. Hope all the children and grandchildren are well.x