I just wanted to reach out to everyone and let you know I am thinking of you all. Thank you for sharing your stories with us and my heart truly feels for each and every one that has been through this and somehow managed to survive and keep going.
It has now been 18 months since I lost my son and since then many others have had to start on the same journey of grief and I cannot express how I hurt for each of you. I never thought I would make it, but I am still here. My other two sons and my grandchildren are so important, and on days when I just want to give up, I think of them. Especially the two that are my late son’s children, because I know they are suffering the loss of their beloved Daddy and I need to be around to help them with their grief and to remember their dad and honour his memory.
My son’s headstone came last month and it is his birthday on the 10th of October, the second one without him, he will be 35. I know I will never get over losing him and it is overwhelming sometimes, but I know I can survive, which is something I didn’t think I could do before. Time waits for no man as they say and one day I will be with my son again, but in the meantime, I will love and cherish the people I love that are here and living, while honouring my son’s memory. I will cherish the specialness of life and be grateful to be alive, even with such sorrow lurking in my every heartbeat. Bless you all and I wish you the strength and love you need to keep going xxxxx
Bnessa thank you for your reply , I am so sorry your son did not pull through , yes I agree with all you say , to us we still can not imagine our son not there in his home he was so full of life and plans , one blinkered moment in time took him .
We can not imagine he would ever do what he did , he had his young son he adored and so much to live for . He worked for the nhs and had helped so many people right up to his last day .
We will mourn my boy forever , I just can not see him gone , he was a big personality and his life was full. Why he chose the way he did we can not fathom it just was not like him at all so we are still in the questioning ourselves stage and if onlys and I wish I’d have known what was going on in his marriage , I would have could have but it won’t bring my boy back .
It is still raw and his actions unbelievable , he adored his young son so we keep wondering why that did not stop him , he loved his family unit and he wanted all his family together always and could not handle his wife leaving with their son. Although she is not an unkind person and would have given access any time , he just couldn’t live without his family together in their home . I wish I had known and talked to him I really do and that saddens me I could not do that for him, the grief is unbearable .
I am so so sorry to everyone here who has lost their child to suicide.
It is now 14 months since I lost my beautiful, kind 39 year old son. We were very close and he knew he was very loved. He had struggled with his mental health for most of his life and looking back, subconsciously I think I was always expecting it to happen. He was very sensitive and could not deal with even the smallest setbacks. He attempted at 23, then in February 2020 and finally July 2020. He booked into a hotel, paid for his funeral, wrote letters to his family and to the hotel staff apologising for them having to find him.
As all of you know who have lost a child in this way, the pain is excruciating and never ending. Even when you know underneath there was nothing you could do to have changed the outcome, your mind constantly relives the event and hindsight tricks your brain into thinking if you had just said this or done this, they wouldn’t have left.
I spent many months unable to do anything. I left work as just sat and cried all day, then went to bed and stared at the ceiling unable to believe that this had happened to me and my family.
I am now at the stage where I can get on with my life for the sake of my two daughters and my grandchildren but I am a changed person. I find I get angry more easily and have isolated myself from anyone who is not family. It’s just that I feel no one but no one understands but others who have gone through it and I can’t be bothered to put on an act for anyone.
There is a good analogy of what grief feels like. It is like a ball in a small box that gets bigger over time. At the beginning the ball hits the sides of the box all the time, bringing constant pain. Over time gradually the box gets bigger so the ball does not hit the sides as often as it did. When it does hit, the pain is the same but there are longer intervals in between. Take care everyone X
Thank you for sharing. I completely understand how you have isolated from people. I have done the same. I have no interest in things anymore and I am a changed woman. A sadder one, a couldn’t care less about myself one and my mind is full of my son and even after 18 months, I cannot bear the thought of what he did and my mind screams WHY??? all the time. I truly believe that only mothers (and Fathers) can understand the pain. As mothers, we loved our child as soon as we knew he/she was coming. We felt them kick and move inside our own bodies. No-one on earth apart from a mother has experienced that. We started worrying about them before they were born and never stopped as they grew up. I’m sure there is no deeper and truer love than that for our children. So, it makes sense that when we lose one, against the rules, and in such terrible circumstances, a part of our self actually dies too. We live and breath, but something vital to our wellbeing and lifeblood has gone, so part of us has gone too. That’s how I feel anyway. It’s a bad place to be. Between a rock and a hard place. Trying to carry on against all odds, but our other beloved children and grandchildren keep us going. I’m not sure I would still be here if he was my only child and I cannot imagine how bad that would be, and I know there are mum’s out there that are living that nightmare too. I am shocked that suicide is so prevalent and I wish I could stop it happening. precious souls, loved and missed so much. They lived and they matter. God bless you all
I am so sorry to hear you lost your son, such a short while ago, too. There are no words that can comfort you. I am heartbroken you have to be a part of this rotten group of suicide survivor mums. I understand every sentiment in your comment. It is an horrendous, unimaginable thing to live with. I have joined some Facebook groups. Sister moms and suicide our angels memorial page. The mums on there all share our pain and even though they are strangers, there is a bond between us that no one else on earth can understand, apart from us. Much love to you
Firstly, I’d like to say thank you to you all for the ways you have contributed to this thread by bravely sharing your stories, reaching out to and offering support to others in a similar situation - I really hope you are finding the thread and community helpful and supportive.
I do however need to let you know we have made some edits to some of the posts within this thread, removing any mentions of methods of suicide, in line with our terms and conditions which state: All mentions of intention to die by suicide, assisted suicide or self-harm, or methods of suicide will be removed from the community. Expressions of thoughts and feelings about these issues are allowed.
We want to acknowledge the importance of talking openly and honestly about suicide and those you are remembering when posting - all community members should feel they are able to express the thoughts and feelings they have about suicide and mental health. We do however need to make these sorts of edits to best protect all of our community members because some may find the details either upsetting and/or triggering.
If you would find it helpful going into more detail with others you have connected with, please consider using the private message function on the site - if you are not sure how to do this, you can find some helpful instructions here.
Thank you again for the ways in which you are sensitively supporting one another - I hope you understand our reasoning for these edits (on this thread and going forward) and you continue giving and receiving support on the community.
I understand completely what you mean and feel the same way. In some ways I am finding this second year harder if that is possible. The first year, I was numb a lot of the time and was somehow carried through on a wave of disbelief. Now it is too real- the knowledge that I will never see my sensitive and kind boy again in this lifetime it too much to bear some days. I also have an irrational fear that something will happen to my two daughters. I think this is just the fall out of losing our children in this way. We would have moved heaven and earth to save them if we could. Our children did not mean to hurt us, they just had to escape their pain X
I am only 6 months into losing my son Ryan - Disbelief is certainly what I think - and the thought I will never see my amazing boy again. He had a wonderful life until mental health took over very quickly - I feel there is no sunshine in my life any more just dark cloudy days - we are now in a club nobody should ever be a member of and this membership is forever and we have try and live our life again. It’s a tragedy that should never have happened - miss my precious boy so much x
Thank you for your replies to my message a few days ago.
Today I am feeling very sad as tomorrow will be my first birthday without my son Jack. He took his life three weeks to the day after my birthday and three weeks before his own. I can’t help but think back to a year ago and wonder how on earth I failed to notice what was going on with him. He must have been in a desperate state of mind but he appeared to be completely ok. Memories keep popping into my head to haunt me from birthdays gone by.
I know I’ll be ok, I just have to get through the next few very difficult weeks. October is the month I’m dreading, it feels as if I’m going to be reliving things all over again.
I know everyone on here is in the same boat so feel comforable sharing with you. I’ve nearly given up trying to talk to others about it as nobody else really gets it although they do mean well.
Hope everyone is ok, sending you all a really big hug X
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Ryan. You are still quite early in your grief journey and what happened is very fresh in your mind. I remember six months being a particularly hard time for me, the initial shock having worn off. You are very lucky you have supportive friends to help you on this unbelievably hard journey. I have found the opposite, friends have stayed away as they don’t know how to help me. Fortunately, I have a wonderful close family and we help each other through this nightmare every day. It’s odd but I know so much more about mental health now than I did when John was alive because I have read so much. I just wish I had the chance again to help him. I do believe that we will be reunited with our gorgeous boys again one day, it’s what keeps me going XXX
Hi Tori I do believe I will see him again I have a psychic friend who reassures me he’s at peace and I do believe that and that helps me through my grief
Take care x
Dear Purple,
I lost my son on the 22nd of February this year he had not long turned 20. He also had mental health issues and medication but also used recreational drugs. After a very hard few years I had my son home and clean for 10 months until that fateful night when he went to see a friend. 11.08 pm lights came through my bedroom windows and my heart sank. I went to see him the next day hoping against all hope they had made a mistake but it was my baby. Life has been a struggle ever since not only with my grief but that of my 7 year old daughter who’s big brother Josh was her world.
I’m so sorry for your son…for you and your daughter.
The pain is awful, crippling and for me I felt guilty I couldn’t save him from himself.
As parents we all do our best…that’s all we can do. Picking yourself up after your child’s death servant impossible feat but somehow we do it…taking each hour at a time.
I’m coming up to two years without Henry… it’s never going to be gone from me as I still love him so much…but I know we will be together when it’s my turn to cross over. Until then I try my best to enjoy the people I love still here.
The people on this site are literally angels…giving love and support whilst coping with their own losses. I couldn’t have got here without them.
Does your daughter get support at school? I know my grandson got support which was very helpful.
Karen I totally understand you. I found my poor boy in his bedroom in February this year
Like your son he was beautiful and sensitive, only 22 years old. His girlfriend fell in love with someone else and in his letter he left me he said she had taken the last piece of him. He asked me to forgive her and love her the way he did. He was such a poor wee soul. I’ll never get over this never…. and like you I just want to be with him.
I don’t know how I’ll keep going. I have the best husband and sisters ever and have joined a support group who I totally rely on and have met mothers like myself but this heartache and trauma is unrelenting x
Hi to everyone I totally understand it so sorry we are part of this group which no one wants to join. I lost my son in March could not believe he had took his own life. It has been a really tough six months I am not the same person at all it was his birthday Monday it was awful he would have been 26. Reading your posts helps unless you have experienced loss by suicide you don’t fully understand. Sorry for your loss.
Dear Lynne, I felt like that all the time in the early days when I first lost Gemma. But I stayed and when I look at her two boys now, I am so glad I stayed here for them. But three years on I do feel different. Still very sad and that will always be so. How can it not after what has happened? And after your heart has been broken, it can never truly repair. I feel as though I live my life with an undercurrent of sadness. But I do now feel joy in things which I never thought I would. I also believe that I will be reunited with Gemma one day and that gives me so much comfort xxx
Hi absolutely I’m not sure I will get over it every day is so hard I keep thinking of all the things he will never get to do I feel so guilty and so sad. I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him so much even though he didn’t live with us I knew he was there getting on with things he suffered from mental illness. Everyone thought he would be safe where he was unfortunately that was not the case.
I lost my son Ryan in March aged 27 - like you it’s 6 months and if anything it’s getting harder - all the initial outpouring of grief has settled down and we as a family are struggling we will never see our wonderful boy again - we have to try and live with precious memories but that’s not always enough - it’s just tragic - just miss him so much x. Take care we are now in a group you never ever thought you would be a part of
precious souls, loved and missed so much. They lived and they matter. God bless you all
