Thankyou for your kind words they are appreciated i will look into the meditation xx Im so very sorry about your beautiful son and your nephew . My son also took recreational drugs (weed) and that just made his already bad mental health problems worse, but he used to say “mum it takes away the voices and gives me a little break and helps me get to sleep” he wouldn’t take him prescribed drugs as they made him sick and turned him into a zombie, we used to argue constantly because I hated him doing it as I could see it was making him worse but unfortunately he couldn’t 
He was in a toxic relationship with a horrible person and she just literally sucked the life out of him for 3 years then left him for someone else, he never got over that unfortunately . because of this situation we often didnt speak for months at a time, although I always checked up on him and made sure he was ok through my daughter , He had always been vulnerable and naive and had spent my life trying to keep him on the right track and it was exhausting sometimes . although I would go through it a million times over to have him back , I always knew I would lose him one day but I never expected him to do what he did and it still hasnt sunk in a year later .The guilt a mother feels when her child takes thier own life and you couldnt stop it is totally consuming and after reading some of the heartbreaking messages on here I can see I’m not the only one feeling like this. It has been comforting for me to read other peoples storys and to see I’m not the only person feeling like this, as I actually thought I was going mad, so sending love and light 
to all the other people going through this never ending sadness xxx 
BNessa31,
Bless you as those feelings are exactly what I feel and so did my sister in law. Tragically she lost her life to Covid19 ten weeks after Oli died.
I do think you end up on a roundabout of “what ifs”.
Henry wasn’t always friends with me but I was always there for him and we had grown closer in his last couple of years. Yet he still didn’t share so much with me. I found it so exhausting too.
You sound a brilliant mother, you did your best but ultimately our children makes their own choices.
I don’t think it ever truly sinks in our children are gone. I actually prefer thinking Henry’s away somewhere peaceful with his cousin and Aunty and his Dad and I’ll be there too when the time is right.
I know he’s not struggling anymore and that gives me some comfort.
Love to you and your family
Purple x
Hi Karen.
I also lost my son in the same way you did. My son was also 33 he passed in September 2019.
So many things you are saying ,I can so relate to.
I just keep breathing in and out.
Going through the motions.
Pretending I’m ok.
So I just keep breathing in and out.
My sister tells me I need to change the way I think, to be more positive.
Sorry I can’t be positive because I’m to busy breathing in and out. Maybe in time? I kind of doubt that though.
So I am sorry. You wanted some help, and I don’t know how.
But I can hear you
I am so sorry to read , my son has passed the same way and I can not put in words how devastated and heartbroken we are , I am in the ‘if only stage ‘ and just can not believe it , we haven’t see him for a while with covid he lives in the south and worked for the nhs , he would have known how horrific his actions were and we can only guess it was a spur of the moment decision he seemed happy yesterday and looking forward a heartbroken mum my thoughts are with you also
Hi I’m so very sorry to hear about your son words can’t describe the heartbreak we feel when we lose a child. My son Dom also took his own life last year and even a year later it still hasn’t even sunk in that he has gone, I keep expecting him to still walk through the door, the guilt is the worst thing for me, I blame myself, I was his mum and I should have known what was happening and been there to protect him. I knew he was ill but I never in a million years thought he would do what he did. People say to me its not my fault but as a mother that’s what we do. I wish I could tell you its going get easier but I would be lying 
I’m just trying to get through one hour at a time at the moment and trying to remember all the lovely things about him and trying to block out all the bad stuff that’s the only way I can try and get by x Sending you hugs love and light xxxx
My son took his life last Friday very similar to your son, I had no idea he was so unhappy no one told me , he lived in the south I live in the north and the morning they found him I was informed abruptly and just started screaming I thought it would never stop . My youngest son who the previous week seemed full of hope , he sent instagrams saying how much he was looking forward to art events the following weeks , he was on his favourite part of beach with his dog , it is unbelievable still to me and his dad , we loved him so much . And I have the same thoughts as yourself researching how why and if pain involved , his wife said he’d shaved his beautiful hair off that morning and he did not look like my son when she found him . It was a moment in time we can not change but I keep saying why didn’t I ring that morning why why why on all the last weeks , he had lost all hope when his wife said she was leaving that morning , she went out with the dog and he shouted I love you but she did not respond , so I am saying if only if only would words back have stopped my boy, he was a lovely gentle person who helped everyone in his work or in everyday life , this pain will never end as he was just so loved and important to us , I wish he had loved himself , we are just so sad , I can’t say I hope you feel better because as a mum similar circumstances those words will not count 
Dear Karen,
I, too, lost my darling son very recently. He was 35 and attempted suicide in his bedroom but the police and ambulance detected a very faint pulse and brought him back. He lingered in Intensive Care for three days before passing. Those days were intensely painful for him as well as us, I could tell by the way he looked that he was in pain and all I wanted to do was cuddle him but I couldn’t because of all the tubes and monitors. I couldn’t see him in the chapel of rest as I’m mostly bedbound due to several chronic illnesses.
I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get the images out of my head, nighttimes are worst but they creep into my head when I least expect them. The tears come in waves and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. He’d had mental health problems since his marriage broke up and his ex wife refused him access to his two daughters. His latest girlfriend, who he was planning to propose to, turned out to be a liar and that was the straw that broke him, the coroner named her and his wife in the inquest as the reason for his actions.
I’m lucky in that I have my husband to turn to for support, but in the wee small hours when he’s snoring I feel so alone, I have a daughter but her husband stopped me from contacting her about three years ago because he doesn’t like me. I’m not allowed to see any of my five grandchildren and haven’t seen my son’s daughters for about seven years.
Between this and my illnesses it doesn’t feel like there’s much point in me fighting to keep going each day but I do. I’m taking it a few hours at a time, using essential oils and meditation apps and trying to remember the good times. I’m currently fighting Apple in court to gain access to his photos that he stored in icloud and still trying to pluck up the courage to start going through all the boxes of his belongings that are in our garage as we had to clear his flat before his funeral.
His friends are struggling too, as they couldn’t say goodbye to him due to covid, so I’m trying my best to support them on facebook too.
All I can do is send you a virtual hug and a cuppa, hopefully each day will get easier for us all who are suffering.
Elaine
xx
Hi Karen and all the other parents here who have lost children to suicide.
My son Jack was 20 when he did the same as your son. It was October last year and came totally out of the blue. We found out subsequently that he had got into drugs in quite a big way but he was a clever lad and had managed to hide it incredibly well.
He managed to put on a brave face and had everybody fooled into thinking that he was doing fine.
It turns out from a diary he left for me and from things we found on his phone that his mental health had been slipping for over 3 years when he died but he wasn’t able to ask for help and that is my greatest regret as his Mum, not being able to try to help him.
We discovered that he’d had at least two previous attempts at taking his own life, one in our garage a few weeks before which he’d documented in his diary.
On the day in question, he’d driven a few miles away to his happy place early one morning…it was a place where he and his mates enjoyed camp outs and had done so only a few days before.
I was spared from finding him but images of what he must have done haunt me, some days more so than others.
But here I am, coming up to a year later. I really didn’t think I’d make it this far but I have.
I’ve got a few survival tips I’d like to share with you in the hope that I can help somebody who’s going through this and struggling.
Take one day at a time and make sleeping your top priority. Do whatever you need to do but sleep really is essential to surviving and it’s the only break we get from consious thoughts racing round our heads.
The hardest time is when the numbness wears off and reality starts to creep in. Talk about how you feel, get it out, don’t bottle it up.
Keep busy. I can’t emphasise enough how important this is. Whether it’s working, seeing friends, baking a cake or walking the dog. Just keep occupied and try to put a buffer between yourself and your thoughts for at least some of the time.
Find something positive every day…just one thing. Even on the darkest days it’ll be there if you look.
Focus on the living. We can’t bring our lost kids back as much as we desperately want to but if we have other kids (I have two lovely daughters and two beautiful Grandsons) we must love and appreciate them and remember that they’re suffering too and we’re all in it together.
Don’t let what happened define you and don’t lose yourself in your grief.
I am still me, always was and always will be. Yes I’m a sadder me, I’m never more than five seconds away from tears. But I can still laugh and enjoy happy moments that I honestly didn’t think I would and I’ve not lost my daft sense of humour. I like to think Jack would be proud of the way I’ve dealt with things, that spurs me on and makes me stronger.
Hope this helps and I’m always here if anyone wants a chat.
Katie xx
Hi Katie
I lost my son Ryan to suicide 6 months ago - I am sitting in my car at cemetery reading your post - it is very comforting and I’m trying already to cope - we have set up a charity foundation and already the love and support from friends has been amazing - they will never replace Ryan but I know he’s at peace and wouldn’t want us to have a sad life - every day is a massive struggle but I need to believe he’s watching me and guiding me - no parent should ever have to deal with this and only those that have truly understand . Take care and thanks for your advice
Dear Katie
I’m so sorry you’ve lost Jack. You are navigating your grief with such courage and you’re aware of others suffering…that’s good as grief can be a selfish consumer.
I lost my son in October 2019…his death was drugs and mental health related. Shockingly 10 weeks later I lost my nephew to suicide. I’ve found my salvation in meditation and keeping busy- as you say - it occupies the mind.
Thank you for such an inspiring post.
Much love
Purple
Dear Katie, such an uplifting post … thank you. My beloved daughter took her life three years ago. I miss her every day but I have to carry on as like you I have other children and four grandchildren who I adore.
We both love and need each other. I try to live my life to honour Gemma. She was unable to carry on and I feel as though I am going to win the race with and for her, if that makes sense?
Like you I feel as though I live my life now with an undercurrent of sadness but it is still a life worth living for me and the people who I love are worth living for.
So lovely to hear from you on this amazing site. You too are very brave 
I just wanted to reach out to everyone and let you know I am thinking of you all. Thank you for sharing your stories with us and my heart truly feels for each and every one that has been through this and somehow managed to survive and keep going.
It has now been 18 months since I lost my son and since then many others have had to start on the same journey of grief and I cannot express how I hurt for each of you. I never thought I would make it, but I am still here. My other two sons and my grandchildren are so important, and on days when I just want to give up, I think of them. Especially the two that are my late son’s children, because I know they are suffering the loss of their beloved Daddy and I need to be around to help them with their grief and to remember their dad and honour his memory.
My son’s headstone came last month and it is his birthday on the 10th of October, the second one without him, he will be 35. I know I will never get over losing him and it is overwhelming sometimes, but I know I can survive, which is something I didn’t think I could do before. Time waits for no man as they say and one day I will be with my son again, but in the meantime, I will love and cherish the people I love that are here and living, while honouring my son’s memory. I will cherish the specialness of life and be grateful to be alive, even with such sorrow lurking in my every heartbeat. Bless you all and I wish you the strength and love you need to keep going xxxxx
Bnessa thank you for your reply , I am so sorry your son did not pull through , yes I agree with all you say , to us we still can not imagine our son not there in his home he was so full of life and plans , one blinkered moment in time took him .
We can not imagine he would ever do what he did , he had his young son he adored and so much to live for . He worked for the nhs and had helped so many people right up to his last day .
We will mourn my boy forever , I just can not see him gone , he was a big personality and his life was full. Why he chose the way he did we can not fathom it just was not like him at all so we are still in the questioning ourselves stage and if onlys and I wish I’d have known what was going on in his marriage , I would have could have but it won’t bring my boy back .
It is still raw and his actions unbelievable , he adored his young son so we keep wondering why that did not stop him , he loved his family unit and he wanted all his family together always and could not handle his wife leaving with their son. Although she is not an unkind person and would have given access any time , he just couldn’t live without his family together in their home . I wish I had known and talked to him I really do and that saddens me I could not do that for him, the grief is unbearable .
I am so so sorry to everyone here who has lost their child to suicide.
It is now 14 months since I lost my beautiful, kind 39 year old son. We were very close and he knew he was very loved. He had struggled with his mental health for most of his life and looking back, subconsciously I think I was always expecting it to happen. He was very sensitive and could not deal with even the smallest setbacks. He attempted at 23, then in February 2020 and finally July 2020. He booked into a hotel, paid for his funeral, wrote letters to his family and to the hotel staff apologising for them having to find him.
As all of you know who have lost a child in this way, the pain is excruciating and never ending. Even when you know underneath there was nothing you could do to have changed the outcome, your mind constantly relives the event and hindsight tricks your brain into thinking if you had just said this or done this, they wouldn’t have left.
I spent many months unable to do anything. I left work as just sat and cried all day, then went to bed and stared at the ceiling unable to believe that this had happened to me and my family.
I am now at the stage where I can get on with my life for the sake of my two daughters and my grandchildren but I am a changed person. I find I get angry more easily and have isolated myself from anyone who is not family. It’s just that I feel no one but no one understands but others who have gone through it and I can’t be bothered to put on an act for anyone.
There is a good analogy of what grief feels like. It is like a ball in a small box that gets bigger over time. At the beginning the ball hits the sides of the box all the time, bringing constant pain. Over time gradually the box gets bigger so the ball does not hit the sides as often as it did. When it does hit, the pain is the same but there are longer intervals in between. Take care everyone X
Dear Tori 1
Thank you for sharing. I completely understand how you have isolated from people. I have done the same. I have no interest in things anymore and I am a changed woman. A sadder one, a couldn’t care less about myself one and my mind is full of my son and even after 18 months, I cannot bear the thought of what he did and my mind screams WHY??? all the time. I truly believe that only mothers (and Fathers) can understand the pain. As mothers, we loved our child as soon as we knew he/she was coming. We felt them kick and move inside our own bodies. No-one on earth apart from a mother has experienced that. We started worrying about them before they were born and never stopped as they grew up. I’m sure there is no deeper and truer love than that for our children. So, it makes sense that when we lose one, against the rules, and in such terrible circumstances, a part of our self actually dies too. We live and breath, but something vital to our wellbeing and lifeblood has gone, so part of us has gone too. That’s how I feel anyway. It’s a bad place to be. Between a rock and a hard place. Trying to carry on against all odds, but our other beloved children and grandchildren keep us going. I’m not sure I would still be here if he was my only child and I cannot imagine how bad that would be, and I know there are mum’s out there that are living that nightmare too. I am shocked that suicide is so prevalent and I wish I could stop it happening. 
precious souls, loved and missed so much. They lived and they matter. God bless you all
I am so sorry to hear you lost your son, such a short while ago, too. There are no words that can comfort you. I am heartbroken you have to be a part of this rotten group of suicide survivor mums. I understand every sentiment in your comment. It is an horrendous, unimaginable thing to live with. I have joined some Facebook groups. Sister moms and suicide our angels memorial page. The mums on there all share our pain and even though they are strangers, there is a bond between us that no one else on earth can understand, apart from us. Much love to you
Hello everyone,
Firstly, I’d like to say thank you to you all for the ways you have contributed to this thread by bravely sharing your stories, reaching out to and offering support to others in a similar situation - I really hope you are finding the thread and community helpful and supportive.
I do however need to let you know we have made some edits to some of the posts within this thread, removing any mentions of methods of suicide, in line with our terms and conditions which state: All mentions of intention to die by suicide, assisted suicide or self-harm, or methods of suicide will be removed from the community. Expressions of thoughts and feelings about these issues are allowed.
We want to acknowledge the importance of talking openly and honestly about suicide and those you are remembering when posting - all community members should feel they are able to express the thoughts and feelings they have about suicide and mental health. We do however need to make these sorts of edits to best protect all of our community members because some may find the details either upsetting and/or triggering.
If you would find it helpful going into more detail with others you have connected with, please consider using the private message function on the site - if you are not sure how to do this, you can find some helpful instructions here.
Finally, you may also want to take a look at the following websites, all of which offer help and support to people dealing with devastating situations like yours:
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (I know you have mentioned SOBS, @KarenM)
Support After Suicide Partnership
The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age.
Thank you again for the ways in which you are sensitively supporting one another - I hope you understand our reasoning for these edits (on this thread and going forward) and you continue giving and receiving support on the community.
If you have any questions about any of this, you can email us on: online.community@sueryder.org.
Do take care,
Megan
Thank you Megan … I know many of us receive invaluable support on here and just want to thank you for the work you put into it for us xx
Hi Karen,
I understand completely what you mean and feel the same way. In some ways I am finding this second year harder if that is possible. The first year, I was numb a lot of the time and was somehow carried through on a wave of disbelief. Now it is too real- the knowledge that I will never see my sensitive and kind boy again in this lifetime it too much to bear some days. I also have an irrational fear that something will happen to my two daughters. I think this is just the fall out of losing our children in this way. We would have moved heaven and earth to save them if we could. Our children did not mean to hurt us, they just had to escape their pain X
Hi Tori
I am only 6 months into losing my son Ryan - Disbelief is certainly what I think - and the thought I will never see my amazing boy again. He had a wonderful life until mental health took over very quickly - I feel there is no sunshine in my life any more just dark cloudy days - we are now in a club nobody should ever be a member of and this membership is forever and we have try and live our life again. It’s a tragedy that should never have happened - miss my precious boy so much x