Thank you for your replies to my message a few days ago.
Today I am feeling very sad as tomorrow will be my first birthday without my son Jack. He took his life three weeks to the day after my birthday and three weeks before his own. I can’t help but think back to a year ago and wonder how on earth I failed to notice what was going on with him. He must have been in a desperate state of mind but he appeared to be completely ok. Memories keep popping into my head to haunt me from birthdays gone by.
I know I’ll be ok, I just have to get through the next few very difficult weeks. October is the month I’m dreading, it feels as if I’m going to be reliving things all over again.
I know everyone on here is in the same boat so feel comforable sharing with you. I’ve nearly given up trying to talk to others about it as nobody else really gets it although they do mean well.
Hope everyone is ok, sending you all a really big hug X
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Ryan. You are still quite early in your grief journey and what happened is very fresh in your mind. I remember six months being a particularly hard time for me, the initial shock having worn off. You are very lucky you have supportive friends to help you on this unbelievably hard journey. I have found the opposite, friends have stayed away as they don’t know how to help me. Fortunately, I have a wonderful close family and we help each other through this nightmare every day. It’s odd but I know so much more about mental health now than I did when John was alive because I have read so much. I just wish I had the chance again to help him. I do believe that we will be reunited with our gorgeous boys again one day, it’s what keeps me going XXX
Hi Tori I do believe I will see him again I have a psychic friend who reassures me he’s at peace and I do believe that and that helps me through my grief
Take care x
Dear Purple,
I lost my son on the 22nd of February this year he had not long turned 20. He also had mental health issues and medication but also used recreational drugs. After a very hard few years I had my son home and clean for 10 months until that fateful night when he went to see a friend. 11.08 pm lights came through my bedroom windows and my heart sank. I went to see him the next day hoping against all hope they had made a mistake but it was my baby. Life has been a struggle ever since not only with my grief but that of my 7 year old daughter who’s big brother Josh was her world.
I’m so sorry for your son…for you and your daughter.
The pain is awful, crippling and for me I felt guilty I couldn’t save him from himself.
As parents we all do our best…that’s all we can do. Picking yourself up after your child’s death servant impossible feat but somehow we do it…taking each hour at a time.
I’m coming up to two years without Henry… it’s never going to be gone from me as I still love him so much…but I know we will be together when it’s my turn to cross over. Until then I try my best to enjoy the people I love still here.
The people on this site are literally angels…giving love and support whilst coping with their own losses. I couldn’t have got here without them.
Does your daughter get support at school? I know my grandson got support which was very helpful.
Karen I totally understand you. I found my poor boy in his bedroom in February this year
Like your son he was beautiful and sensitive, only 22 years old. His girlfriend fell in love with someone else and in his letter he left me he said she had taken the last piece of him. He asked me to forgive her and love her the way he did. He was such a poor wee soul. I’ll never get over this never…. and like you I just want to be with him.
I don’t know how I’ll keep going. I have the best husband and sisters ever and have joined a support group who I totally rely on and have met mothers like myself but this heartache and trauma is unrelenting x
Hi to everyone I totally understand it so sorry we are part of this group which no one wants to join. I lost my son in March could not believe he had took his own life. It has been a really tough six months I am not the same person at all it was his birthday Monday it was awful he would have been 26. Reading your posts helps unless you have experienced loss by suicide you don’t fully understand. Sorry for your loss.
Dear Lynne, I felt like that all the time in the early days when I first lost Gemma. But I stayed and when I look at her two boys now, I am so glad I stayed here for them. But three years on I do feel different. Still very sad and that will always be so. How can it not after what has happened? And after your heart has been broken, it can never truly repair. I feel as though I live my life with an undercurrent of sadness. But I do now feel joy in things which I never thought I would. I also believe that I will be reunited with Gemma one day and that gives me so much comfort xxx
Hi absolutely I’m not sure I will get over it every day is so hard I keep thinking of all the things he will never get to do I feel so guilty and so sad. I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him so much even though he didn’t live with us I knew he was there getting on with things he suffered from mental illness. Everyone thought he would be safe where he was unfortunately that was not the case.
I lost my son Ryan in March aged 27 - like you it’s 6 months and if anything it’s getting harder - all the initial outpouring of grief has settled down and we as a family are struggling we will never see our wonderful boy again - we have to try and live with precious memories but that’s not always enough - it’s just tragic - just miss him so much x. Take care we are now in a group you never ever thought you would be a part of
Yeh I do believe in the resurrection and I will meet him again one day. It’s just not soon enough. I also feel mental health crisis team failed to do their job. So many failings on their part too:broken_heart:
I lost Josh in February at 20, life was unbearable in the first months and is now still so hard and hard knowing in the months to come we will be celebrating his 21st birthday without him then Christmas and so on. I feel my stomach wrench when reading your stories…I literally know how you feel and as we all would, give anything not to. People on here are so lovely and it is beautiful to see human kindness it the most painful time in people’s life.
Yeh. They can convince others that they are “okay”
Mental health crisis team didn’t take my concerns on board and wouldn’t prescribe meds or admit my boy as he made a promise to them that he wouldn’t do anything stupid although 20 hours previously he had went unbeknownst to us to do the deed at a favourite spot of his but couldn’t go through with it. That should have been enough for them to put him at high risk. But they put him at medium. He wasn’t even known to them before like someone who’s constantly threatening suicide. I’m sick. Totally
So sorry to read of your hearbreaking stories and agree, this is the group nobody ever imagines they’ll belong to.
It’s coming up to the first anniversary of losing my son Jack on 3rd October. I feel like I’ve been counting down for weeks now and am continuously thinking back to this time last year when he was still with us and just wishing I could go back to that time and save him.
I just want to get through the day for the sake of my family as we’re all getting together to mark my Dad’s 90th birthday on the same day. He has dementia and is unaware of what happened to his Grandson which makes it even harder to bear.
Thinking of you all out there and sending you all my love.
So sorry for you my friend
Yes it’s so hard especially coming up to your precious boys first anniversary I wish I could say something to make it easier. I know we all sit together in our darkness and that’s the best we can hope for until we are reunited … the understanding we get from each other:pray:
Hi Purple,
Thankyou for your kind words. My daughter is in counselling and is doing far better than I am. The counsellor says being so young she will process it differently. It has been very difficult as I am a single mum and was 22 when I had him so we grew up together and always had each other. But he adored his sister so I need to find the strength to give her the best life possible and wait for the day I am reunited with my boy.
Hi Karen, I have just read your post and I wanted to ask you how you are now? I lost my youngest son in May, I also lost another son to suicide in 2011 and my husband when my 4 children were very young and I was 36. I am 60 now. I hope you are coping a bit better. I also have not gone back to work yet but might be soon on phased return. I also have PTSD because my son was missing. We don’t actually know what happened yet, it’s complicated. I just wanted to say I understand exactly how you feel. I have no motivation, I have to force myself to do things for my family. I am on medication but not working enough yet. My daughter thinks I should get a dog but don’t even have energy for on yet
Sending you love xxx
Hi Lynne,
I personally have realised I will never get over losing my 20 year old son 8 short months ago but over even this short time I somehow can breathe and get through my days. I have a seven year old daughter so I had to find a way. Everyday is still a struggle and I still cry alot even as I write this. I think we learn to live with the pain and hope over time it becomes somehow less. It certainly is a group I would rather not belong to but am thankful it is here x x
