I know… we don’t want it to be true…how can our beautiful children have been in so much darkness to do what they did. It’s too painful to think upon but I can’t stop I hope the rest of my life goes in quick. Please God🙏
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I’m so sorry for your devastating loss 
, the mental health service in this country are letting people down every single day. My son was totally let down by them and if they had done what they were supposed to, he would still be here today. I know of at least 5 people who have lost loved one overs over the past 18 moths due to their failings. Something seriously needs to change before more beautiful souls are lost.
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I had a review the other week with a psychiatrist and a nurse as my boy died while in the care of their services but they justified everything I put to them. I don’t know if it’s worthwhile taking it any further.
I have met others who have been let down too in fact one girl raised a petition and it was discussed at Scottish parliament petitions committee the other week. I included a statement of the failings we experienced and our MSP raised our story about my son being sent home from crisis with nothing but leaflets and how he wasn’t here today. !!! I was in the newspaper with four others a while back about a fit for purpose mental health system but I doubt it if anything will change
I feel no one listened to me his main carer. I begged on six occasions for them to give my son medication and they never. No one listened. From his first crisis meeting to his death totalled 18 days. They sent him home to me to be on suicide watch with nothing but a couple of phone calls from a CPN it was appalling!!!
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We had a serious incident investigation carried out by the NHS on themselves and what an absolute farce it was, My son Dom was 26 and under their care when he died. I had him sectioned and the police took him to hospital as he was in psychosis and had already tried to take his own life twice the two days before, they knew this but gave him a quick assessment lasting 10 minutes then released him that day, without even letting us know. He was left to walk home with an injured ankle back to his flat, he took his own life that night, it was a completely avoidable death but in their ridiculous report they said they had done nothing wrong, as he had capacity when he was answering the question as he got most of the questions correct. Dom had been sectioned before in the past and they were aware of how high risk he was but tbh I’m my opinion they just didn’t care. Its hard enough losing your child but to lose them through sheer negligence is hard to swallow, especially when the people get away with it. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this, it makes me so Angry as it’s happening every day and nothings changing 
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I am reading all these stories and they are a mirror image of my son Ryan. When he speaks to a CPN on the phone on Monday and tells him what he’s planning and they get him an emergency meeting for 3 weeks time - he ends his life on the Friday - it’s shocking - if you have a broken leg you go to A&E if you have a broken mind you are ignored - it’s so sad our NHS mental health system is a shambles
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It’s absolutely disgusting, as far as I’m concerned, the people involved in my sons case have blood on their hands, If you murder someone you get arrested and you go to court and then prison. yet they can let people out of a hospital, knowing full well theres a very high chance they are going to hurt themselves or others, due to mental illness and they arnt held responsible in any way shape or form. It’s the same old excuse “They had capacity at the time of assessment” I know so many people this has happened to now, after speaking to other family members I have met up the cemetery ect, as I go everyday and there’s so many people with similar stories. who have lost loved ones due to negligence and lack of care by the NHS,especially the mental health services. It’s so wrong and something needs to change quickly x
I am speechless. What can we do?? This is beyond words. Do we get as many people together? I wouldn’t know where to start:pray:
I went to see 3 different solicitors to try and do something about the way my son was treated but because he wasn’t married and had no dependents they wouldn’t take the case on as there wasn’t enough money in it for them, I told them I didn’t want a penny out of it I just wanted things to change, but belive it or not my sons life was only worth £11 k. (compensation level) because of this they wernt interested this is why nothing ever gets done and nothing ever changes because families hands are completely tied. We are just expected to put up and shut up. Iv also spoke to other families who have been through the same its so wrong x
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Hi everyone. I just wanted to come on and let you know that I am thinking of you all. To read how you have all been through this terrible loss and struggled with grief, and with many, a lack of care or concern from the NHS. I know when I rang 999 on the night I found my son, they had me on hold for 8 minutes, which seemed like a lifetime and there I was in the garage desperately needing help for my son. I called 999 at 21.05 and the police and ambulance arrived at 21.15. I did raise a complaint about the amount of time it took to get from the 999 handler to the incident room picking up the call. It was investigated, but nothing was found because BT only keep the calls a couple of months, and it was too late. I just wanted to hear the recording of the call and find out what happened, because at the time I was in no state to make an issue about it, but I remember feeling very let down by them. The incident room picked up the call at 21.13, so it literally only took them 2 minutes from receiving the call to arriving at the scene. It took the paramedic 3 minutes to don her PPE before she went in the garage. The police went straight in. It wasn’t the police or ambulance that took so long, it was the call to 999 getting through to the emergency services. Imagine being on hold, while your son is hanging in front of you! It has scarred me for life.
I just wanted to reply also to @zamaureen and to thank you for asking how I am getting on now. So it is almost 18 months since that dreadful night and life has been very, very difficult ever since. I have finished my therapy for PTSD. I am not as afraid of opening doors into dark spaces as I was, I am no longer afraid that I am going to see my son ‘like that’ every time I enter a dark place. I do still wake up with my heart racing, in a panic and I cannot stop thinking about him. I miss him so much, I cannot imagine I will never see him again, and every time that thought hits me, I am broken again.
Sunday the 10th of October is his birthday. This will be the second one without him, he will be 35. I find myself getting agitated and stressed as each of these anniversaries come round, for weeks before they arrive. I don’t know why it is so hard, because every day is hard, but they do seem to make things worse. Dean died in April 2020, his birthday is October, so an anniversary/significant day happens every six months. I cannot say it has got any easier, this second year has been awful. Just knowing that I am not dreaming, that this is actually my reality, is hard for my brain to absorb. I don’t want it to be real, but it is. I want to believe in heaven, and that I will be reunited with my son and all my other loved ones, but I am not sure…I wish I was, but I would have to die to find out, and I don’t want to die either. I sometimes feel bad now, because in the beginning, I would have died with pleasure, so I guess the instinct to live has come back. I love the warmth of the sun on my face when I go outside, I love the beauty of nature and the world, and then I also feel guilty and bad for feeling like that, when my poor boy is 6ft under the ground in the dark and cold…or, hopefully heaven. I have had his headstone put at his grave now, and I go there a lot. Somehow, even though I hate the thought of him down there, it brings me comfort to look after his plot and show him how much I love him, and I just hope he can see, from wherever he is.
I don’t think the sadness will ever go away, and I am going through a court case to get access to his children, my grandchildren, who I haven’t been allowed to see since his funeral last May 2020. His ex (of 7 years before he died) has refused to let me see them and accused me of being a safeguarding risk to them, because of my mental health!! she is an evil woman who has no empathy or understanding of the complete breakdown you suffer as a mother when you lose your child in this way. She is lucky she does not understand. But my grandchildren came to me and Dean every other weekend. I was a big part of their life and now I have to fight to see them. She won’t even let me message them or ring them. My next hearing is on the 22nd of December. I will let you know how that goes.
My eldest son, my daughter in law and my three grandchildren from them, are all coming up at the weekend to spend time with me and to be here for Dean’s birthday on the 10th October. His dad is coming too, they share a birthday, so I know this is very bitter sweet for him. Well, I have rambled on enough. Wishing you all love and strength. I am privileged to have met so many lovely people here on this thread, all of us supporting each other and understanding better than anyone else, the pain and suffering we are each going through. Love to you all xx
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What a beautiful resting place you have created for your son, I’m sure he’s looking down on you with a smile on his face. I went to the spiritualist church last week with my friend, out of all the people there, I got a message from my son Dom, the lady was spot on with everything she said even down to his age and there’s no possibility of her knowing me or my circumstances as it was the first time I had been, there. There was over 70 people in the room. So I know now for a fact its not the end and all our beautiful children have gone to a better place. I was a sceptic when I went in but I came out a believer. Xx
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So beautiful and you have been so brave … losing a precious child is the hardest road to travel xxx
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I have also been in touch with a Psychic and I now Truly believe Ryan is at peace and with me every day - this has really helped me through my grief - what she has told me has been very comforting 
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Dear Karen
Thank you so much for writing about how you are now. I am so glad that your therapy has helped. I also struggle with trauma, it is so hard and it hurts so much. The missing is the worse part though, it is every minute of every day. We were so close. It looks like I may be going back to work on a phased return next week, I am very nervous about it because I feel like a different person now. I am pleased for you that your grandchildren will be with you and I feel for you so much about struggling to see them as they help keep you going. I want to send love and strength to you Karen for the coming days, I have not reached any anniversarys or birthdays yet but I know how extra hard they will be. One of the things that keeps me going is being strong for my son and daughter and grandchildren because I have leant on them so much, especially my daughter. It is not fair on them to not fight to be stronger but it is good to be able to write on here to people who understand exactly how it feels.
Thinking of you Karen X
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Please say everything and anything you want to say on this chat cause really it’s the only time we can be honest I feel anyway. I always feel that I have to put a face on. Even my closest friends seem to think I should be back to being me!!! I’ll never be me again. Sometimes I hate being with them. They don’t want to hear what I’ve got to say. It’s as though they have to cheer me up. Just get tired of it all:pray:
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Totally agree Lynne456. I’m sick to the back teeth of people saying "Aww you look like your doing alot better, or You seem alot happier, and other similar things, People really have no idea, at least on here we can come on say how we are truly feeling and everybody totally understands. It’s a amazing what brilliant actors and actresses we have all become we deserve Oscars for our performances, if only people could understand that we are actually dying ourselves inside and every single minute is a battle without our loved ones xxx
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Hi Maureen. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I know how hard it has been for me and my family losing Dean, but to lose your husband so young and two sons makes me feel so sad for you, it must be a living hell for you. I do wonder how we manage to live through such pain and sorrow. I am amazed so often that I am still standing. . Like you, I have to keep going, to be there for my other two sons and my grandchildren. My mum, who will be 84 this year has taken Dean’s passing really badly and I have to let her think I’m coping, otherwise she would worry herself to death about me. I know when you lose a child by suicide…or anyone you love, it makes you so afraid it might happen again and I just cannot begin to imagine how you felt when the unthinkable, the unimaginable happened again to you. I know that everyone on this thread will understand and support you in anyway they can. We are here to listen and care. My thoughts are with you and it breaks my heart everyday when I hear another precious soul has left us. Unfortunately it really is everyday, it is just heartbreaking on every level. take care of yourself. Like you, I am not ‘me’ anymore, I never will be and I don’t think I want to be now. Xx
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Hi Karen,
I have just read your post and it broke my heart. I really cannot begin to imagine how I would feel if I lost my son. I lost my husband to lung cancer in February this year that that is hard enough but to lose a child does not bear thinking about. You are such a brave lady and I just wanted to tell you.
Sending you huge hugs.
Clair xxx
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Dear Karen and everyone who replied to you because we understand,
I just found you post because I, as I often do was searching online looking for somebody, anybody who I can relate to now and my new normal.
My 25 year old son Ben took his own life in May, he was found on 18th May 2021 but actually went missing on the 7th May so although I did not have to deal with finding him I still have nightmares about the days when i had no idea where he was and spent most nights crying because it was raining and I didn’t know what had happened.
My son was intelligent, kind and as one of his friends said to me " too good for this world" he also had depression and spates of cutting off from people.
He had wandered off before but come back so I suppose I allowed myself to think the same thing would happen again, I had several run ins with various crisis teams and caregivers begging for information on whether or not he was receiving help.
Even though he was unwell and his mind was confused he still tried to hide his real thoughts , he only really let his guard down with people close to him but it seemed impossible to get him the help he needed,
I’m waiting for the inquest date and hoping to be able to have some kind of voice over the information that has been put together.
I read the other day that a death by suicide is like grief with the volume turned up, grief is a hard emotion for anyone but the added layer of guilt and "what if’s2 that come with it are painful.
I have lost people before but this feels impossible, part of me went with Ben and I also feel like a different person and I can’t get used to it.
I used to watch films and listen to the news about the loss of a child but the reality is impossible to share with anyone but someone who has also lost a child.
Most people are kind but it is virtually impossible to explain why we can’t just choose to be ourselves again or put our grief on hold to go back into the real world.
I don’t think they understand how your feelings change from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day and that it’s hard to make plans because you worry what kind of mood you might be in.
People say it’s ok to cry if you want but what they don’t know is that I cry every day and the thought of losing it completely in public ( because someone looks a bit like Ben or someone asks me a perfectly normal question like “How many children have you got?”) worries me.
I think I worry because I’m trying to hold onto my sanity by only doing what I feel is comfortable and within my boundaries a bit at a time and the fear is that something might happen that tips me in to a place so sad that I can’t ever get back from there.
It’s so hard not even having the option of trying to help or fix things anymore.
Life is so hard sometimes, my son’s death has actually bought me closer to one of my daughters but further from my other two and I just don’t know how that happened.
All i do know is that it is so helpful to read about how other parents are truly feeling as it helps me so much to feel as if I’m not alone so Thank you.
Amanda
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Dear Amanda, I do know you feel. My daughter took her own life 3 years ago and it is impossible to put the pain into words. I spent night after night not sleeping and just going through every tiny detail over and over … should I have done this? Could I have done more and was it my fault somehow?
I also have had rocky times with my other 2 children which thankfully has improved so much. I think we are all grieving in different ways and that sometimes means we have to pull away from one another for a while.
I felt as if I was drowning and just hanging on to anything.
But I want you to know that 3 years on. a calmness has descended on me. I still get very tearful and will now always live my life with an undercurrent of sadness. But the rawness, the panic and fear has subsided.
I am sure that you too will find your peace so hang on in there. Take care and lots of love to you xxx
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