It’s nearly 5 weeks since I lost my only son to suicide. I feel worse everyday I just don’t want to believe he’s not coming back to me. He was living with me since his split with his partner in February and he attempted to take his life then but he survived. The last few months I thought he was happier until the day before. His ex partner has now messaged me telling me that he’d tried to take his life a few days before but failed and now I’m hit with this awful guilt and anger that I should have noticed or she could have told me and I could have saved him. I just wish I could fall asleep and be with him but know I can’t leave my 14 year old daughter on her own .
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Dear Rachel, I feel so much for you. Your situation is very similar to mine. My precious daughter took her own life 3 years ago. She too had tried 2 weeks before. My other daughter had found out, but Gemma made her promise not to tell me as she said she did not want me to know and promised she would not try again. I too feel guilty that I could not save her but I think as mothers we will always feel like that.
It is very early days for you. When I lost my daughter I was so distraught for months and did not want to be here but decided to live my life for my other 2 children and they are worth living for. Take care and sending you lots of love xx
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Dear everyone on this post.
I am still thinking of you all, and I just wanted to come on and see how you are doing.
This is the first time I have been on here, since last October. That was at the time of my son’s second heavenly birthday and he was 35. Now I am coming up to the second anniversary of the date he died (April 22nd 2020). I cannot believe I have not seen my beautiful boy for almost two years. Pain stabs my heart whenever I think about the unfathomable loss. That will never change. I think about him all the time, and have to consciously do other things to try to keep my mind from going to that dark place. It is still hard to stop the thoughts, and I feel a bit crazy, but this is me now. I live and breath, but something is missing. My son is missing and I can’t have him back…and that is unthinkable, so I haven’t come to terms with any of this yet. I’ve been thinking of him as a lovely, caring little boy, and it just seems impossible that he is not here anymore. I miss him so very much.
Anyway, I am learning to live with my grief, I do keep it to myself a lot now, because most people expect me to have ‘moved on’, ‘got over it’. I didn’t know I was such a good actress! It is tiring, pretending to be okay, to make other people feel okay around you. I am not okay, and I keep the real me close to my chest and spend most of my time alone, so I can be lost in my own thoughts. I’m not sure it’s a good thing and everyone tells me to get out, do things I enjoy etc. The truth is, I don’t enjoy anything anymore, and I am on auto pilot. I wonder if anything will be truly enjoyable again. I’m sure I can feel heartwarming happiness for my family, but there is always, always going to be that undercurrent of deep sadness, because a vital part of my completeness is not there anymore.
One good thing that happened in December 2021, was that I won the court case to see my son’s children again. I saw them on the 9th of January 2022, for the first time since May 30th 2020. I can see them once a month now and I am so happy about that, but it is so bitter sweet, because my son would be so proud of them, and it hurts so much that he is not here for them. They miss him, and they are just 10 and 13 now. I am grateful I can keep their dads memory alive for them, but that stab in the heart is there, because he is a memory and not there with us. It’s very complicated emotions that come with the good things.
I would love to hear how you are all coping, and know that you are all in my thoughts.
Share a photo of your precious children with us if you can. We will remember them and say their name. Love to you all xx!
Dean. 10/10/1986 - 22/04/2020 loved and missed every moment of every day 
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Dear Karen, I was pleased to see your post today and so proud of you for coping so well and surviving. I understand a lot of what you wrote as I feel much the same. We as bereaved parents are expected to ‘get over it’, carry on with life. We can never do that as the pain is always with us and our lives are never the same.
So glad that you can see your grandchildren now and be in their lives. That is so important for you and your son. Gemma has 2 boys and I feel that my role now is to be her voice in their lives. My eldest grandson lives close by and my younger one now lives with his daddy and I know I am lucky that we all get on so well and don’t take it for granted. I talk about Gemma as I don’t want her to be forgotten. She is still my daughter so why wouldn’t I talk about her? Sending you love today and very happy if you didn’t want to keep posting to private message you xx
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Dear Karen I have just read about your beautiful boy & happy for you that you now have contact with your grandchildren. I have contacted compassionate friends as I was & suppose still am after the loss of my daughter. You may find comfort with them as they have lost children. Sending love & hugs your in my prayers xx
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Dear Karen,
It was nice to read your post and to hear that you have been able to see your grandchildren. Your son is living on through them and it must be comforting to spend time with them.
It has been 20 months for me since I lost my beautiful John aged 39 and I could have written your post word for word. Earlier on in this journey I thought that by this stage I would have been feeling easier with his loss but it is just not happening. Yes the shock and numbness have worn off but I have been left with a terrible sadness every day. He was such a beautiful human being, it breaks my heart that he felt he could not stay in this harsh world. When I look at his photos now, it feels like yesterday and forever since I saw him. I miss his quirkiness, kindness, his laugh and most of all his hugs. He is the last thought before sleep and the first on waking and hundreds of times in between.
I too am learning to live with my grief and hide my feelings from everyone but close family. I don’t socialise and really have lost interest in anything apart from my children and grandchildren. The little boys bring me great happiness but everything is tinged with sadness and loss.
i hope things get easier for us in time both as our boys would not want us to suffer this pain.
Sending love and comfort XXX
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Hi Karen,
Hope you are doing ok. I can totally relate to your post. We have just gone past the 1 year for Josh and I could feel the fear setting in. I can’t stand the sirens any more, the flashing lights ect so many things trigger your defences and shatter them in a second. It is so hard because your not sure where or when something will send you into that state. I have not yet been able to pick up from his 1 year and it was the 22nd of Feb, sort of like it has taken me back. We are also waiting on a coroner’s inquiry to be completed which leaves a door open.
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I was there with man other family member, we thought my daughter was asleep (she often slept in the day) we were both checking her regularly and she had a good colour and seemed to be sleeping comfortably. At our final check we found she was unconscious and her colour had changed. We called ambulance and she had died. I feel destroyed myself and finding it hard to continue. Words can’t describe the shock and sadness. To add to this the whole family has fallen apart and behaving out of character, often in hurtful ways. I’m hoping that at some point the pain will abate enough for me to resume a life. Not the one I had before, but the best I can have without my daughter.
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Hi I am going through a simular situation my son took his own life Nov last year he was 21 and my youngest I can’t get passed the pain of losing him
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I’m no expert - I’m struggling to get over my daughter. I feel like I’m drowning in grief. All we have is hope and time and being kind to ourselves. Wishing you blessings
Me too and I would say sorry but that doesn’t help nothing does I’m overwhelmed with sadness as I’m sure we all are and I have no idea how to make things better for myself…or my other 4 children or for anyone on here
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Hi
I too am struggling it will be one year on Wednesday that my son took his own life nothing will ever be the same again. I wish I could turn back time and knowing what I know now do things differently and maybe he would still be here.
It has an impact on the family his older brother who suffered from mental health problems most of his adult life refused his medication ended up on section kept absconding and unfortunately he ran off on the 30th December from hospital and was found on the 2nd January in the canal we are still not sure what happened we are broken. To bury one son is unthinkable but then nine months later another one words cannot describe it. This time last year there were six of us and now only four.
I believe that if my youngest was still here then so my eldest would be too.
People say stay strong you can get through it but they are not members of this club no one wanted to be in and do not understand how it feels.
Love to you all.
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Hello Smudge - just read your very sad post. I too am in a similar if not the same situation. My son died suddenly on 14th of September 2021 . His younger brother who had physical problems and mental health problems just could not cope at all .He stopped taking his meds and started abusing his weak little body his organs failed and then he got bronchial pneu.onia and died .so I lost two boys in 11w eeks. I do not know how you have coped . I Feel that I did not see how I’ll jonny was I was just .mourning Adrian and I just did not see what was in front of me. Some days I feel so full of self hatred and awful guilt . Other days are gentler when I cry because I miss them . Sorry this is a bit depressing but you are the first member who seems to have lost two boys within a few months. Blessings and best wishes to you xxxj
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Hi
I’m so sorry to hear that my thoughts are with you
Love and best wishes take care
Hi Sandy6, this is my first time on here so very nervous, because wasn’t sure if I should. I to lost my beautiful blue eyed boy last November. He took his own life and to say I’m devastated doesn’t even come close. I feel worse now than I did then. Everything I see a car that was the same as his I look just to make sure, I find myself looking at every young man, just to make sure, I listen for the key in the door. But the reality is he has gone and I’ll never see him again. The pain is nothing I’ve experienced before and I really don’t know how I’m going to gey through this. I visit his grave every day, telling him how sorry I am as I feel I let him down, why didn’t I notice something was wrong, why didn’t he call someone, anyone. So many ifs and buts and questions that I will sadly never find out. I’m truly very sorry for your loss too and share your deepest pain
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Dear Ja15
I’m so sorry you’ve joined us.
I understand your guilt but no doubt you did your best for your son. Every parent has guilt and asks all those what if questions however they list their child.
I looked for my son for ages…you’re not going mad even if it feels it. I’d look and feel the weight of his absence so much.
His name was/is Henry. He died on the 20th October 2019…shortly after his 30th birthday.
His death was an accident- drug related. How I wish I’d done more but what…I don’t know.
My nephew took his own life nearly 11 weeks after Henry’s death. He was also my godson. Again we will never understand how he could leave us.
Be kind to yourself and know there is support here for you.
Sending love and a big hug
Purple
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Dear Purple I am so sorry you have lost two loved ones from the same tragic circumstances, it must have felt like you had to do the grieving process all over again.
My son was missing for a few months but somehow I know in my heart if hearts he’d gone, even though on the outside he was a happy, funny hard working young man. One thing I though I’d feel, which I don’t and is making me even more terribly sad and lonely, is to feel his presence letting me know he is still with me, I look everyday but nothing so far, the pain seems more unbearable as each day goes by. I also have the inquest to gey through, and I’ve no idea when that will be, they have such a backlog at the minute
So sorry you are going through this awful time. I lost my daughter in January from an overdose. I understand what you say about the pain being like nothing you have experienced before. I feel completely lost and heartbroken. I do not feel my daughter is in any sense ‘around’. I too have lots of ifs and buts and should, sometime I a, hoping to come to terms with it all and have at least some sort of purposeful life. It’s early days and somehow, sometime I hope to pick myself up. Meanwhile for today I am keeping on keeping on as best I can. It’s lonely and the deep sadness, along with anger and all the other mixed up emotions. It would have been my daughters birthday tomoro. Some people have told me it’s time to get on with my life. I don’t think my life will ever be ‘normal’ but I do hope to get out of this pit of misery. I send you all my warmest wishes and at least some measure of understanding. You deserve some peace and rest x
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Nell2, sorry to hear of your loss too. It was my sons birthday on 19th March and was dreading it, no picking out a chocolate birthday cake for him (he loved chocolate cake), no Chinese takeaway, no celebrating being 23. I think the ‘first of everything’ will be the hardest, although every year will be difficult. I visited him on the day and I talked to him which helped a bit, then a lovely friend took me for lunch, laughing is a great medicine.
Sending you lots of love and a massive hug, hugs are a great medicine 
I got mixed up a bit there. My daughters birthday is thursday. I am going out with a friend for lunch too. But I still have to go home to my empty house and my own thoughts tho. It’s a lonely journey. I had to have my poor cat put down yesterday his kidneys failed. It feels like I’m not even fit to keep a cat safe! Let alone my daughter. Common sense tells me I’m not the cause of my daughters death but as her mother it feels like the ultimate responsibility lies with me. I feel a long way from acceptance that she’s really gone. It’s a long lonely path and some of the people I thought would support me have run for the hills. Somehow I have to find some strength and acceptance. I send you my best wishes x