Hiya sweetheart, My son took his own life in June 2020 he was 26 everything you have mentioned resonates with me 100 per cent, everywhere we go there’s constant reminders of them it’s like your being slapped in the face a 100 times a day and it heartbreaking and you never get a break and it’s so hard to carry on, I’m so very sorry about your loss its a pain that never goes away, but I’m told you do learn to live with it as the time goes on. There are some lovely people on here who are going through exactly the the same and they will support you through your heartbreaking loss.Sending you love and light xxx
Nell2, I don’t think we will ever accept it, we will just learn to live with it, thats how I feel at the moment. I’m sorry about your little cat too, I’m a cat lover and have a Persian. She knows my son is gone because she sticks yo me like glue when I’m at home. Since my son died, I’ve had covid twice, very poorly with it, my husband was made redundant, you just feel everything is happening at once, but unfortunately that’s how life works, it just seems more highlighted because of recent events.
You need to give yourself time (and no I’m not saying time is a great healer, because we will always feel it) but I really hope you will find a little happiness, whatever that may be (possibly in the future a new little cat to keep you company), it will take alot of strength and there will be setbacks, but its all part of the process.
I’m very sad to hear friends have run for the hills too. I know it can be difficult for them too, but to abandon you was not what you need at all. People judging you is a big one for me too, but learning to ignore those people, they are not your true friends.
Please feel free anytime to message me, I promise you are stronger than you think xx
Thank you for your kind words. It’s taken me until now to pluck up the courage to join the group but glad I have, so many people lost someone very dear to them. For me it’s the reality of never ever seeing my beautiful blue eyed boy again which I find extremely difficult to deal with and seems to be hitting me hard at the moment. How have you coped, how have you got through it? Xx
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To be totally honest, I really don’t know how I’m still here. I lost my mum a few months after my son and then I lost my aunt and her son from covid a few months after. Its been a horrible couple of years for our family, but I am still here and just about coping. The first year is terrible it just doesn’t sink in that they have actually gone you just keep expecting them to walk in the door and their faces are in your head 24hrs a day 
It’s coming up to two years since I lost my Dom in June and the last few weeks it’s finally sinking in that he’s not coming back. The guilt I felt from not being able to stop him from doing what he did and my anger towards the NHS has started to subside a little, as I know I can’t keep beating myself up forever and I know if he was still here he wouldn’t want me to feel like that either. I have started to function a tiny bit better and I just try to get through one day at a time, I still visit the cemetery most days but I do feel comfort from going,. One thing I have realised is who my real friends are so many I thought would be there for me have disappeared or havent bothered at all. Iv learnt that this journey is a very lonely one as nobody, unless they have been through the same seem to understand or just don’t care enough to want to. Your just expected to get over it after 12 months. I’m just trying to concentrate on all the good times we had together and I’m trying to block out the bad stuff it’s seems to be the only way I can get through it xxx
I admire your strength and resilient, you really have had the most horrendous few years. I’m pleased to hear, that slowly you are feeling a little better, gives me some hope, and like you I find comfort from visiting him each day.
Keep going and keep talking, I’m here anytime you want to chat, it’s certainly helping me already xx
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Hi everyone
So sad we are all here and trying to carry on but it is so hard memories, guilt what ifs I still can’t believe I’m never going to see my two boys again and people don’t really understand. My heart goes out to everyone sometimes I feel like is there any point going on I’m just a robot going through the motions and it’s so lonely,
Hugs to all
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Thank you. Coincidentally when I was passing the house of one of my friends who I thought had abandoned me this morning, I decided to just knock and see how I would be received. He seemed glad I’d called round and explained he just can’t handle peoples grief, cos of his issues and not mine. We quickly managed to talk like we did before all this happened. So I hadn’t lost a friend, but he wasn’t able to offer support whilst I was so angry and tearful. It’s a kind of relief that he acknowledged he had issues and it wasn’t just all my fault for being upset. So I think clearing the air has helped.
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I am so pleased you found the courage to knick on your friends door, it just takes one of you to make the first move, and both of you seem really pleased, you can now support each other xx
Dear Karen,
I lost my son, who just turned 22 to suicide. I took found him. He was hanging from a tree in a park near our home. I read you account of finding your son in the garage and how the shock of seeing him there dead is so impossible to describe. Our beautiful boys, lifeless and cold. Not something a mother should ever have to see, nor figure out how to live with for the rest of our lives. I too cannot get that image out of my mind and it haunds me. My son also died of a broken heart, discouraged, and lost hope. He did not drink, nor do drugs. He was a good kid. He tried to get help for his depression and covid did not help. I am very angry with the failure of the mental health care system and wish there was a way we could stop this epedimic in suicides amoung young persons. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have becom obsessed with research and that is how I found your comment and want to thank you so much for telling your story. I know my hear will never mend. I have a lot of unanwered questions and now am waiting to see a counselor. I too have PTSD from witnessing this tragic event. Oh how my heart goes out to you for your experience and mine. Walking through this alone or trying to explain it to others is nearly impossible. Thanks again so much for sharing your story.
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Karen, my heart goes out to you. What an awful thing to see and remember and it’s your boy. Words don’t describe how painful it must be. My daughter died in January in tragic circumstances. I don’t have any clever answers but I can say that coming on here is a good thing to do. You will find kindness, understanding and support from people who are struggling too. We understand the enormity of losing someone so close to you and the shock and pain and downright full on misery. Questions and ifs or buts and why must be on your mind a lot. I say to you what I say to myself, just keep on keeping on for today. You have every right to be angry or feel beaten or want to scream at others you have had probably the worst experience of your life and lost your lovely boy. If you can put one foot in front of the other and leave the house for a walk you are doing well. If not and you just want to hide in bed (i do that on the worst days) that’s ok too. You’ve had the most massive shock. I send you all the best on your journey. You will get listened to on here, it doesn’t take the pain away but it has made me realise others are on their journey too and we can share rather than keep it all locked in our heads. X
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Hello everyone.
I have read all of your posts and my heart hurts for you all. As mothers we have been through the worst kind of tragedy we could possibly experience. My two year date passed by on the 22nd of April. It seems impossible that I have lived on for all this time whilst feeling dead inside. I miss my Dean more everyday and I have no idea when or how things will get better. I don’t think they will, but I keep on keeping on.
On Sunday 1st of May, I am having my grandchildren for the whole day, on my own. This will be the first time their mother hasn’t been with us. I hope I can make the day a special one for them. I want to talk about their dad with them but I need to be careful that I don’t upset them in any way. My grandson Ryan, is 13 now and he has become very quiet and withdrawn. This rings alarm bells in my head and I’m very afraid for him. I must make him understand that his dad loved him and that we all love him. I’m hoping I can help him with his grief, because no-one else apart from me can understand the depth of his pain. My granddaughter Rosie is 10 and she seems more resilient, but I know she is grieving too. It is my job now to keep my son’s memory alive for them and to help them cope with their loss.
One thing that really hurt me and made me realise how much I have let things go since my son died, is the sudden death of my good friend of 38 years. I haven’t seen him for over 2 years because I just didn’t want to go out and socialise at all. He rang me very regularly to check in on me and I kept putting off a meet up. Then I found out he died on the 13th of April from a heart attack. I can never see him again, but I had hundreds of chances…I let them all pass by and now it’s too late. I guess what I am saying is, while we grieve and withdraw from other people, we are losing precious time with the living. I am guilty of this on every level, including with my other two sons, my other grandchildren, my mum and many others. I love them all, but have just locked myself into my own prison of pain and loneliness. I think it is because nobody, unless they have been through it, can understand, even though they feel the loss in their way, they haven’t had part of their being cut out of them and just cannot get the enormity of our pain as bereaved mothers. Anyway I am going to try to be more present for the living if I can.
I think about everyone here and the immense trauma and pain you have all suffered, sometimes more than once, and it breaks my heart. I belong to a Facebook group called ‘Sister Moms who have lost a child through suicide’. I see so many broken mums on there and so many young, young children who have died by suicide. 12, 13, 14, 15, 16…it is happening everywhere, every day. It is tragic and I wish there was something we could do to prevent it all. On top of my own grief, I am feeling the pain for the other sweet lost souls and their mothers. Sometimes it feels too much to bear, but we need each other and we need our grief to be witnessed by people that get it. We are all here for each other. My love and thoughts to each and every mum here. Take care of yourselves and I truly hope that one day our pain will not be so crippling. Our children are loved, they lived and they matter. We will never stop loving them or missing them 
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I found my son aged 18 due to suicide it is horrific I have real bad night traumas and the pain is something else more than any pain I have ever felt before I feel I don’t want to be here no more I keep battling on every day to be here because of my daughter’s and grandchildren.Arthur was my life and the most beautiful boy I have and will ever know it has killed me inside and I feel every day without him kills me that bit more due to the trauma of finding my son and the trauma of burying my son I have fybromyalga from all the trauma and every day I am in chronic pain and greif it’s horrific.I feel your pain and understand it all beautiful momma I am so sorry you are on this same journey I am on its hell on earth I am glad I have found this site to make contact with others who understand as I have literally no one since my son’s death I had no one then really I just never see it before but maybe I did and just didn’t want to see it.My Arthur did though he always used to say mum when will your rose tinted glasses be broken.It has taken me to lose the most precious son and my true love in the most horrific way for them glasses to be broken and Arthur God bless his beautiful soul was so right I have no one who has got my back family or friends I feel so alone. take care I am always here if you need to talk
Hello Jacqueline - I am so so sorry to hear that you lost your boy. You say you feel traumatised and of course you are, you are experiencing the worst kind of pain and loneliness. I lost my daughter in January and I still can’t quite believe it tho I know it’s true. The pain is unbelievable too. I have never known any pain like it. The yearning is right there in front of me. I too thought I didn’t want to go on. That is what trauma and grief can so easily do. You have come to the right place. Here you will get support and understanding from people who have losses like your own. Sometimes it’s just keeping on keeping on a day at a time. Keep posting on here, it can help to share with others and support each other. Bless you and I send you hugs x
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Dear Jacqueline
My heart hurts for you. As you say it is horrific to find your child like that. It’s a trauma you can’t get over and you can’t unsee what you’ve seen. I completely understand that. I’m so sorry you are alone with all of your grief. Even with my family, I still feel alone, because I am grieving in a different way to them. My body keeps going, but I feel dead inside.
I keep thinking about my Dean when he was little. So lovely, and then I get that stab in my heart when in the next thought I remember he is not here anymore. I can’t bear the finality. I can’t even believe any of it is true, even though of course I know it is.
I don’t know what I can say to comfort you because I know there are no words, there is nothing I can do to help, apart from being here, to listen, read, whatever you need to say, and to let you know, you are not alone. You have an army of brokenhearted mothers here, who understand and have your back.
Much love
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In all honesty I have nothing to help or pacify anyone on here as I can’t find anything that helps myself even tho I’m blessed to have a husband and 4 other children whom are my best friends along with 5 beautiful grandchildren…my son Nathan was my youngest and as I write this I realise its real he’s dead and my stupid mindset of he’s still here sets in…I can’t even look at pictures or go to his grave since he died or pick a headstone because then its real …I’m still messaging asking him to catch up …yep I’m insane …I keep busy distract myself by helping my other children build their house doing heaps of jobs …then come home and break down realising he hasn’t been intouch because he’s gone …its exhausting being fake but I have to show strength although I proud myself on honesty …what a joke…I won’t open up to anyone I know I just avoid …I’m sorry for not being able to help anyone on here for once in my life I have no answer …I just miss and love him so much and every day is groundhog day
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Although my daughter wasn’t taken from me in the same way as your son. I feel the same as you. I convince myself it’s not real, tell myself she’s out with friends. I can’t and won’t accept what’s happened! I don’t reply to messages, ignore phone calls, I avoid everyone for as long as possible. Only leave the house when I have to as I have other children and a grandson. But like you I do what I need to do to get through the days and if that’s playing pretend then so be it x
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There’s no such thing as getting over it in my opinion as for dealing with the loss how? Everyday is a healer no that’s b***ocks I wake up every day hoping to die and then feel guilty for feeling that way because I have other children to show strength to…my husband can’t cope with my true feelings so now I hide them and play the “I’m back to me card” when all I really want to do is scream my sons name and let the the world know I’m in pain and maybe feeling what he felt before he left us …ironic …I would say I’m sorry to you but by my experience it means nothing and gives nothing to console …nothing does they are our babies and all we want is them back
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I can’t speak for everyone on here but I can honestly sit here and say all those feelings you’re having are the same as mine and like you I have other children that need me. I’m not sure how old yours are but mine are only 21, (18), 16 and 11. My 11 year old witnessed his sister passing away and I’m fighting tooth and nail at the moment to get him the help he needs from everyone. It really shouldn’t be this hard to get a chid of his age some proper support.
I don’t think anyone can be the same as they were before their child was taken from them.
You’re completely right saying sorry doesn’t help anyone, I haven’t found anything that helps. I just have to get out of bed each day and try my hardest to get through the day as I know that’s what I need to do for my kids! Being on here has made me realise that although I may not know these people they understand how I’m feeling and that has brought me some comfort. I hope you find that too x
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My grandaughter was with me when her mum died tragically . It’s certainly a job in itself to get any help for children, anywhere. I found social services to be at the best indifferent and at the worst humiliating to speak to. They didn’t give the girls any help, nor me. The only places I’ve found that might help are charities. You may have looked but if not that’s worth a try. There’s one called Winstons Wish and there are others specially for kids in this situation. I found school to be full of promises of counselling but they didn’t actually provide what they said. I think school, social services, childrens services, mental health team all failed both my grandaughters. My whole family was in crisis but social services took a month to even respond, by which time the whole family was even more traumatised and even more broken. Then they came round went away and gave us no help. I’m know I’m moaning on but it makes me angry that there’s so little that social services can do cos there’s no money. I’m a pensioner took on the care of my lovely 14 year old grandaughter with no warning and we’d both seen her mum dead. I got no help whatever. The best and only thing they gave me was a voucher for the food bank. When I said I couldn’t get there they said they’d get it delivered. An hour later they texted and said they couldn’t find a volunteer and no paid staff to do it so perhaps I should buy one of the shopping trolleys older people use! I never claimed that basket of shopping. So I got nothing at all. Worst of all is that it’s not just me, it’s all across the country. They don’t have the staff or the money to do anything more than send you links by email to Cruse. On a lighter note I can say I’m no fan of social services! Maybe some on here have found them helpful, I hope so, cos it their job. I don’t blame the staff, it’s a soulless job now, they know they are coming round, going through the motions but there is very unlikely to be any useful help from them. One told me to ‘get over it and wise up, it’s a month she’s been dead’. My self before this would have made a right fuss about that but she was ahead of me she said words to the effect you can complain to anybody you like, you can get me suspended if you make enough fuss, but if I’m suspended I won’t be replaced and others worse off than you get no help at all. I didn’t complain cos it’s true. It’s no way to treat someone you are supposed to be helping tho is it. I know I’m rambllng, but I do agree it’s really hard to get useful help. Charities can be helpful and they treat you with respect. Which we all deserve, even if we’re grieving. Xxx
Hi again butterfly.a charity that I’ve just seen Grief Encounter’ have a hopefully, helpful website. x