It helps to put your thoughts onto paper, I had a really tough morning ruminating and questioning if I did was enough. I have questioned what if, but that is my mind torturing me. We are 11 days since my beloved passing, we still have not had a post mortem, so I have no idea what the cause was. This is so cruel.
I am walking, walking and walking… my poor dogs legs have probably got shorter but the freshness and cold grounds me. I dread the rain when it comes as it adds to the already dreary world…
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I was crying at the petrol pump today, my husband did all the driving even though I can drive . Today was the first time I had to go get petrol myself and I just broke down, people must have though I was mad.
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I have hatevbeing in my house since my husband passed and reading your comment, I think thats what it is, the house feelso so empty and cold and everywhere I look in the house reminds of how happy we were just a few months ago.
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I know that feeling Fran. An echo of a past life in every thing.
There’s an ad that has a girl whistling, My girl used to whistle when she was happy. That sets me off every time.
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Hi All
Yes anything can set me off………literally anything and like you folks must think I’m bonkers cos it isn’t just a little sniffle it’s usually full blown breakdown
I don’t care anymore what folks around me think
I’m dealing with the biggest trauma I’ve ever had in my life ………
I know what you feel about the house
Strangely enough thankfully I feel the opposite
We moved house just 10 days before he died he so wanted to see me here…… he saw me here and knew if things didn’t go to ‘plan’ I’d settle here
Even though he was only here 10 days I feel him here……if you know what I mean
Still alone still numb still heartbroken……… always will be
Life’s just shit and I so miss him
No words of wisdom I’m afraid
Always tho a listening/reading ear
Love to all
Big hugs
Xx
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Hi Pam, Read your post and it was so like my situation. I lost my husband on the 4th January. He was the love of my life for 48 years. However he suffered multiple health problems in his final years and although carers came 3 times a day I was his main carer, never leaving him. I have rejoined my U3A art group and a U3A friendship group run by a friend. I had not had a holiday for 9 years and this year I have had 3. Like you my son and friends tell me it is now ‘my time’ and think I am doing OK. In many ways I am when I am doing stuff that we never did together, However when I close my door at night(I hate the long dark winter nights) I am just alone with memories. I would give anything to have him back but not as he was in his last six months as he had no quality of life. I wasn’t going to bother with Christmas decorations but he was like a big kid at Christmas and loved to get the lights and decorations up. He once bought a tree he had to take the saw to as it was far too high for our room!!! I have got decorations up. In February I am going on a Northern Lights cruise. It was always on our bucket list and I thought long and hard about doing it with a friend rather than him. However he will be with me in spirit I am sure. I may even take a few of his ashes to scatter there. Hope you get through the festive period ok. Chris xxxxx
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Thanks
I have had a ring made that contains some of Martyn’s ashes, so he is with me always.
I have a locket with 2 photos of him and… sorry, this is a bit weird but…I got SO excited the other day as I came across a fleece hat of Martyn’s and it had his hair inside. I sat for ages picking out hair with a pair of tweezers, stuck them to sellotape and put them behind the photos in my locket. I grab hold of any small piece of comfort that I can find even though the pain returns, I have a moment of peace.
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Hi Pam. I know just how you feel. My wife also died in February after a short, ten week battle with Peritoneal Cancer. I have just started to sort out her clothes and belongings with the help of our son. I have to do it to try and make some sort of life for myself but it is breaking my heart at every move. I have days when I don’t want to eat or go out of the house but I force myself to do these things. I am having bereavement counselling with another charitable organisation and it does help to pour out your innermost thoughts to a qualified stranger. I will miss her every day of whatever time I have left. She was and is the love of my life.
This community has been a massive help to me. We are not alone in our grief. X X
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Chris u go on that cruise, & remember yr husband will be with u. Iv been on my own now 5 years, & u never forget.
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Will do and I know he will be with me. I often feel he is by my side egging me on!!
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Not weird. Whatever brings you comfort is ok. My husband had an electric recliner in the best spot for TV but I can’t bring myself to take it over. However my lovely big cuddly ginger cat has now taken it over!! I am ok with that as I do talk to my cat all the time. It is one step better than talking to myself!!!
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Whats better than that.
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Hi Pam
I am so sad for you. I know exactly how you feel. My John died 9 wks ago today and it seems to get harder day by day.
I try to carry on, keep busy as everyone says but the pain is still unbearable and people dont know how you feel and the tears shed behind closed doors.
Had a lot of support at first but now everyone has gone back to their lives as expected and I have to cope now forever without the man I loved for 38 yrs
I am on my own all over Christmas as my only daughter had made plans and I understand but nevertheless it is still so painful to spend the 1st Christmas on my own. Friends are with their families so I have no choice.
I am constantly told time is a great healer so I hold onto that thought and wish for a more peaceful time with my memories of John.
We are all together through this very difficult time so please dont think you are alone. Keep letting us know how you feel, It does helps.
I shall post a message Christmas Day so I know someone is there for me and anybody else who is spending this Christmas on their own.
Love to you all xx
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I was on my own the first Christmas my husband died, he died on the 4th of dec, we was together for 30 years.
A friend helped me put my tree up, then left & i just sat & cried.
& it took me 2 years 2 accept he died. Im on my own again this Christmas but iv got use 2 it now. After 5 years.
So I’ll be thinking of u on Christmas day,
& raise a glass 2 yr husband, as he wouldn’t want u 2 be sad.
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Sending you love @Shelley50
Wish we could all have a better prospect for this distressing time of year. I often wonder what my husband would be doing if things had been the other way around. We both said we didn’t want to be here without the other.
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Pauline
Thank you so much. It will be difficult but I will remember your kind words.
I hope you have a peaceful Christmas this year .
I will text you on Christmas Day as I feel you understand how I feel.
Is that ok?
Love and Best Wishes
Shelley
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Aww thk u, i put in my phn 2 message u on Christmas day, 2 let u know u r not lone, i really understand yr pain, when my husband died it was absolutely hell, & its the loniness thats a killer, i never had chrildren, so i was on own. & when u been with some 1 so lovely & they r not there any more u just dont know what 2 do with yr self.
Message me any time. & u do what is right for u, because people dont understand what u r going through, unless they have been there their self’s.
X
I hope that you have a peaceful Christmas x
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I feel so desperate, I don’t know how I will pull through this. I keep wanting to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I struggle to think how it will be, I am doing all the things to keep in the moment, but it doesn’t make it better. I am struggling to sleep, I think I must have had a couple of hours. My mouth is so dry, I feel physical pain from the pit of my tummy. I expect this is somewhat normal for most of us. The GP has given me something to help which I am taking ever other or every third night I don’t want to become dependant upon them.
It’s 12 days now and we are still waiting for the PM, will that help? I don’t know but it is torture waiting.
I need to look after the three dogs they give me focus but they must wonder what on earth is going on… my youngest collie is very protective but appears to be wanting to do her own thing at times
I am not sure what I am looking for I have so much to Bev grateful for, I had the love of a very special person for 14 plus years.
I just wanted to know I am not alone
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@KarenF
I think like that as well, none of us wanted to be here without the other but always think that it would be easier for my husband as he loved football, snooker etc and he would be able to walk in the local pub on his own and have a pint and game of pool etc or go to the football games. I know he would miss me just as much as I miss him, but I always feel bad that he was the one to go as he would at least have a life of sorts whereas I am stuck in this deep deep hole full of mud that I cant see myself ever getting out of.
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