Hi
Thank you thought off you all day
So hard isn’t it and so unfair
Miss Andy so much
I prayed everyday when Andy was in hospital
Begged in fact
You take care xx
deleted this one.
Dear Debbie55 and Toppy
On the way to the hospital in the police car I prayed that my husband had survived. I would give up every penny I have in order to have Ian back by my side and able to be the good granda he was determined to be to our little grandson. A few weeks after Ian died we got his mobile back and looking through it there was a text from our son - I was at his house when the police answered Ian’s phone - to his dad begging him to be ok. That text haunts me constantly.
Tomorrow is also my dad’s memory and then in March his birthday but also our wedding anniversary. I don’t want this life, I want my old one back.
Take care and thinking of all of us in this heartbreaking position.
Well where do I start? I unfortunately understand what you’re all going through and how hard it is. I lost my husband Peter 2nd January 2018 very suddenly and unexpected due to an infection that caused sepsis. I rang for an ambulance at 10.40am new years day they finally arrived about midday and they left with Peter at 1pm, he was talking to the ambulance staff and they told me where they were taking him, I said I would find childcare for our 2 children daughter 13yrs and son 8yrs and get to the hospital (I don’t drive) . At 3.30pm I got the phone call from the hospital they was putting him on life support and if I was going to the hospital, to get there.
Well I got there but Peter did not know, he was sedated and had machines and wires and tubes everywhere, I knew then he wasn’t coming home. I left, came home and was called to the hospital another 3/4 times to tell me he was deteriating, the last time I left about half past midnight, the lovely nurse looking after him said I will be with him till 8am if you don’t hear from me we’re doing ok. I got home and watched every hour pass saying to myself we’re ok, at 7.30am my phone rang, it was the nurse, she said I’m so sorry he’s been deteriating and was in multiple organ failure the doctors want you to come in. I got there about 9am and sat with Peter waiting for the doctors, they eventually took me to another room and said there was no more they could do and even if it was possible it wouldn’t be fair to Peter to bring him back. They turned his life support off and he passed at 10.40am. Now I had to come home and tell my children their dad had passed. That was the hardest day of my life. Peter was 46yrs old, he was my first my first love we got together when I was 15yrs I was 44 when he passed. We got married in September 97.
So sorry for the long post.
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Hello
So sorry for your loss
So hard isn’t don’t even know how I get up
My 2 sons are 30 and 19 we were with Andy when
He passed hardest thing in my life
Please take care xx
Hi whoamI
I am so sorry for your loss. We truly do understand how each of us are feeling. Reading your share I went through the emotions you were feeling. I, like you lost the love of my life to sepsis . I wasn’t allowed to be with Ian due to covid. It must have been so difficult for you having to be home looking after the children, knowing your husband was fighting for his life in hospital. I lost Ian 24 wks ago today. I see you lost your hubby 3 yrs ago… Ian and I met when we were 14 yrs old. He was my rock, my everything and I miss him so badly it physically hurts.
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Hello sheila
I can relate to you over the text message as I have kept the text messages I sent to Ian whilst he was in hospital and I don’t know whether he read them or not. My gut tells me he didn’t as he was too poorly. In them I was telling him how much I loved him. They haunt me but I can’t bring myself to. Delete them. I like you would give everything I have to have Ian back. My mom would always used to say to me, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride… She was right there. You take care xxx
Hello Toppy
Thank you. My husband rang me three hours before the crash. He was so happy and we had a great chat. I still sit in disbelief that that was to be the last time we spoke. My phone is old but I am so scared that the messages will be lost that I cannot bring myself to replace it. It also has pictures and a recording of Ian playing with our little grandson. I am devastated that Ian is gone, that he was not here to see our little grandson celebrate his first birthday and first Christmas as home.
I try not to think beyond 24 hours. I lie awake every night only managing a few hours sleep if lucky.
This path that those of us on this forum find ourselves is not the one we want - I cannot bring myself to think how long I will have to tread this without Ian by my side.
Take care.
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I feel exactly the same way. I don’t want to walk this path alone without my Ian. I too take a day at a time. Take care x
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That must have been so hard to not be allowed to be with your loved one when he passed, it was hard being with Peter when he passed, but I left there totally numb and not really believing what I had just witnessed. It didn’t sink in for nearly 18 months or so that he wouldn’t ever walk back through the door. It took me 19wks before I changed my bed sheets, I know that’s disgusting but I didn’t want to to get rid of his smell, I would lay on the bed and hug his pillow. The only advice I can give you is to take one day at a time, if you don’t feel like doing anything don’t do it, there are no rules on grief and everyone deals with it in their own way, take care
I was the same with the bed sheets. I sat and cried so much when I washed the bedding thinking I was eliminating his smell. I now have his dressing gown on the bed and that still smells of him. I relate with the feeling numb. It’s like I’m in a bad dream. Like you I keep thinking, this isn’t for ever, he’ll walk through the door one day. Then reality hits like a wave. He’s gone forever and all I do is sit and cry. Ian was my rock in life. Always encouraging me saying your stronger than you think. I have had a necklace made with his ashes and have had those words enscribed on the back, you’re stronger than you think. I feel he’s close all. The time when I have it on. Take care x
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I agree day Kalms when th hole in your heart wants to explode and night kalms for a little sleep.
Please do not be hard on yourself. Grieg is grief … losing someone.and understanding others grief does not lesson yours. Every journey is different …some.may lose a.son for example that has lived abroad for many years…
Still a profound loss…
I.may be.wrong but for most us, our lives have changed.so much … we have lost our current life as.we.know.it. For me … shock, trauma was very profound and damning but I am.thankful as it.all happened.withing a course of a.week … it was.damning shocking but I.am.so glad that I.was.able.to.say goodbye in my way … there are others who sadly had sudden onset of shock and trauma … can’t imagine … please please please your giref, loss.is.as.valid.as.everyone, none of us know.our journey … for me … I was.single.fo.18.years to.find my happy ever after and.then.for.it to be whipped away … I’m lost… I’m shocked … devastated but know that the facets of my recovery are different, not less.tp someone who has been married for 30 years…
Your grief is no less…
Your journey is different
Wishing you love and.strength x x x covid and.isolation is making it so hard x x x
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My husband was a bus driver. He was clinically vulnerable so he was off in the 1st lockdown and the November lockdown and he went back to work after the November lockdown lifted. I feel extremely guilty wishing I shouted at him to stay off work until this pandemic is over, he shouldn’t of worked during any of this, even his Mum said he shouldn’t go back to work. I really wished I said more, I feel like its my fault he died.
Love and hugs to you all xx
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i feel the same i shouted at her for silly things on the day it happened a dark horrible day i feel extremely guilty i feel it was me who gave her a stroke and never forgive myself for this day i feel guilty 24 x7 and some days it is hard to stay alive
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I keep sobbing throughout the day, I can’t believe Martin’s not here, I miss him so much. I can’t bear it, its 3pm and I have been on my mobile and I’ve just got out of bed. Plodding downstairs to make lunch, the house feels empty without him, I can’t cope, how can I get through this, its overwhelming, the iron ball we carry, it hurts so much.
Love to you all xx
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Hi amy…plodding is the word I use…when the few people who now ask me a year on…plod…that’s it I’m afraid in my circumstances…sorry your in this mess of a dark cloud…a year on I cant say anything positive…but all I say to myself is…I’m on my own …no relatives…lockdown a year but I was in a lockdown anyway… .we had the love…some people never get that beautiful connection…were the lucky ones…I’m crying …I’m so sad without my steve n I’m also angry that people are alive who dont deserve to be…my dog is all that’s saving me…our dog…cry…shout I do it all. …whether it’s right or wrong I dont no or get lockdown when we all need HELp…sending you a hug …your not alone…we are all in this together
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Hello
Our children have left me on my own today I promised I’d be ok they have been here 24/7 since 11/01 when he went into hospital, been sat here since 1 pm I’ve sobbed I’ve shouted his name I’ve begged him to come home and not leave me but still silence with this terrible pain in my heart stomach head and throat.
What will happen to us?
When with pain leave me alone?
How will I ever live without him?
I am also guilt ridden that I couldn’t be with him in hospital he struggled daily to breath and I know he was scared this haunts me.
Love and hugs to you all
Julie
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Dear Julie
Five months on and I still find myself sobbing, calling out for him to come back to me. One morning I woke up and thought I had slept in for an appointment and called out his name, but of course nothing comes back. I sometimes feel totally abandoned by him. Some days cannot forgive him for going out on his bike and leaving us, then a wave of guilt at these thoughts.
I worry about taking ill and having to manage all on my own. A range of wild and dark thoughts run through my head most nights until eventually get to sleep early morning.
I am grateful for this site because I cannot share these comments with my children - they are struggling with their dad’s sudden and tragic death themselves.
I am now on the build up to our wedding anniversary with the knowledge that there will be no card or loving message. Told family hoping to just go out alone that day.
I just so wish none of us on this site were in this position.
Take care
Sheila xxx
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Hi Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. It is awful trying to get through each hour of every day. I feel your pain. I’ve lost my husband and soul mate. I rattle around the home wondering what to do. I keep crying like you as massive tsunamis of grief hit me. But some how we get through the hours and they turn into days and somewhere along this new road we’ve been forced onto to travel alone the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months. It is now 26 weeks since I lost Ian. It feels much longer, but at the beginning I didn’t think I’d get through the first week. I don’t want to be on this lonely road, I want to get back onto the road we were on together. I know I can’t though, so we have to learn how to live alone. Take it a day or even an hour at a time and you’ll get through these very difficult days. Xx
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