I know. There is no answer is there ? 
its just rubbish though isn’t it ? Hardest thing ive ever been through in my life !! In all our lives xx
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Yes it really is the hardest.x
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@Deb5 . my biggest question is WHY ??? l dont understand the pain, anguish, sorrow ??? day after day??? what does it achieve???
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I agree with you … the pain in your heart is something else isnt it ? And i dont understand why either ? I dont understand any of this and i don’t see how its fair either !!! ;(
Hi @Lotswife I’m not sure what it actually achieves? All I know is that I have gone through a whole gamut of emotions and still am and I’m still hurting so much. I’m still trying to work out why he’s not here. I don’t like this life I’ve been catapulted in to and wish I could find a way out. I fear what my future holds and don’t (at this moment in time) look forward to anything. Although I hope this will get better in time. I just wish none of this had to happen.X
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@Loobyloo2 and others. You all describe what I’m feeling too. One hour at a time is all we can do. Today i am going to our holiday home in Devon, with my daughter. I know its soon after Pete died, not even a week but there’s no appointments at the registrar until Monday, so i want to meet the tsunami of grief head on. We were due to retire and spend lots of time there together next month, its our happy place, with beautiful sea views. Im hoping it will help me to heal a bit as we loved it so much. Wish me luck. Take care of yourselves everyone.
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Hi @Freefaller I do hope you and your daughter can have peace and solace in the holiday home that you and your husband loved so much. Have a safe journey.X
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Have a lovely time … xx
I’ve read everyone’s messages in this post I created and can relate to every one. We all have our better and worse days. I’ve been away for a few days with my daughter and kids and felt okay majority of time but always thinking he can’t be here and be part of our lives anymore. I thought this has helped me but on coming home it hit me all over again. I realised that was not real life and now on my own again it’s heartbreaking.
Don’t know why I keep thinking I’m getting better when at 10 weeks I can see from your messages this is a long hard road. It was nice to be out in the beautiful lochs and mountains in Scotland where he loved, I could talk to him and with the wind sweeping through the trees and birdsong it felt like he was with me. I suppose we have to take this slowly. 
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Yeh its like that. You seem to forget the pain you feel then all of a sudden hits you like a sledgehammer soon as you get back to reality baby steps as my mum says … its very stressful isnt it ? Take care as people keep telling me! Self care xx
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This week I’ve hit a block on this road too this week @Jul2113 and @Deb5. Its 12 weeks for me and I thought I was doing a little better, but since Monday I feel I have taken a few steps back. I think it is the realisation of being alone and facing a different life. I have lots of support and great family so I am not lonely but just feel alone if that makes sense. I am keeping busy which does help but at the same time I just feel misplaced. Baby steps is right @Deb5 xx
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I feel just the same brilliant family but very lonely at the same time it’s been 15 weeks baby steps indeed
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Thank you, I too am at that 11 months point, D Day is on the horizon, 24th April would have been our 47th wedding anniversary for which I am marking the day with some flowers to myself made up of the flowers from my wedding bouquet, then just 2 days later on 26th it’s D Day, I am so not looking forward to it, I keep replaying these last days over and over in my head, and the one thing I really wish I couldn’t remember were the words he’d said the day before, ‘I’m sorry but I just want to die’ he was hurting so much which was hurting me too to watch as I just couldn’t do anything to help.
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Hi Freedomlass, sending you my love and hugs. Anniversaries are so hard. My 40th was 8 weeks after I lost my husband. I got myself so worked up I didn’t think I could live through it. I made a plan to go to a beautiful beach we loved and walked for miles. I had my headphones on our playlist and cried talked and screamed with frustration for a few hours.
At the end I sat on the beach and felt more peaceful. I’m so glad I made myself have a plan and was able to complete my day as I wanted to. Some people said ‘are you having a family dinner, that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be alone to talk to my special love.
I hope you can find your way of coping, will be thinking of you on 24th. 
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@Freedomlass So similar date wise. My anniversary of losing Richard is 25th with my 30th wedding anniversary on 15th May.
I think the day before my wedding anniversary, if it’s dry, I’ll go back up the mountain which was the last day out we had together a year ago today.
On the actual day I’ll be out in the morning and hopefully have a lovely visitor in the afternoon; someone who understands, so that will help.
I’m not sure what to do the anniversary of losing him. I’ll see how I feel on the day I think.
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My mum says were on our own path now and guess everybody’s will be different but i sure feel alone on it ! Ive just started getting bit mad with him really cos i told him to go to drs and he wouldnt listen to me … if he had gone earlier the outcome may have been different ??? Who knows ? but either way i damn well miss him !! 
he had a good life … why is life so rubbish ? Does anybody have this urge to just run away from the situation? To just keep running and then somehow it won’t be true ? Is that being in bit of denial do you think ? when i tell people they look so sad and i feel awful 
like somehow its my fault which ofcourse its not but i sort of feel responsible for delivering the sad news people don’t like sad news do they ! Neither do i especially when its my husband … i really wish it wasnt true but it flipping is …
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I feel like running away too hiding from the world. Everyone is so shocked and upset as my husband was much loved by so many but i cant take on their grief. In not sure how I’m coping with my own and my children’s grief. I can’t answer calls and would prefer people to just message me. The funeral will be so hard as it seems there will be full capacity at the Crematorium, probably 500 people. Which is an amazing testament to the lives he has touched in his work and his volunteering .
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@Freefaller
That’s incredible, what did he do?
We also had a very full funeral due to the impact by partner had on so many people over his years of teaching and privately. It’s was quite moving actually.
If I died there’d probably be about 30 people and that would be mostly my family lol
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Aw yeh i agree. You cant take on other peoples grief … they try to do it though some people ! So beware. Ive decided i need to guard my heart now.
Yeh we had a full funeral and a beautiful one - my husband was much loved too
Beware also after funeral … it hit me hard afterwards ! Good luck xxx
Glad im not only one who wants to run away though ! Thanks xx
Pete worked with physically disabled adults. He ran a Boccia team, took the gliding, on holidays and worked in the day facility making fun quizzes for them. He nevet got the questions from s book but tailored them to each individual member so that wverine could answer. One of his members loved Eddie Stobart lorries, so he always haf one about that. He did the half marathon with a lovely lady who’d lost both of her legs, he did 3 peaks challenge with our family and friends to raise money for a special wheelchair for her to race in as she had a new found purpose in life. I could go on but he tried to make everyone’s life a bit brighter.
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