Sunday morning again. Why are mornings so difficult - floods of tears every time.
Just had message from my stepdaughter - they’re on their way to Chatsworth County Fair.
I wish with all my heart I could be going out with my Bill but I can’t 'cos he’s not here 
Oh how I hate this life. I just want to be with him, but knowing my luck not even that would happen.
I’m getting a funeral plan tomorrow which will help Bill’s son and daughter when my time comes. When it’s in place I don’t care what happens to me 'cos I just don’t want to be here. I won’t do anything silly - I’m not brave enough. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. My life, as it is at the moment, has no purpose, no meaning, pointless. I think I know that Bill wouldn’t want me to be like this but I just can’t help it. I don’t want the memories, I don’t want to think about the happiest times - it’s all too painful ‘cos what was our future has gone. Plans we had for the garden - I can’t carry out’ cos every time I go into the garden the tears just come. I can’t sit outside or in the summerhouse ‘cos I’ d be on my own, wishing he was sitting with me, which he never will be again. 
Sorry to go on, but there’s no-one else I can offload onto.
I know how you are feeling. I do not have a family or many friends I can offload to. It is a very lonely life. I wake up depressed and anxious every morning knowing that I will not meet anyone. I can go out and sit having a coffee by myself but what life is that. Just to let you know you are not alone. I have started councelling which was difficult at first as you need to get to know the councellor but now I can offload onto her but that is not always a time when you need to talk.
Dear @Harriet4Bill and @flowergarden ,
I understand, It is very lonely now.
We did everything together which was lovely but of course now that has all changed.
I have gone to various cafes by myself and sat there with families and
couples around me. It really emphasises being alone.
It is 26 weeks today and I don’t know how I have got ‘through it’.
In a daze in the beginning I suppose. Now, I feel I am just stumbling around.
I wish you the best Sunday you can have today.
I am sending you both very big hugs.
Love,
Rose xx
I am also stumbling crawling through each day, its 12 weeks today since I last held his hand and I got my morning kiss.
Everything is so hard life as no meaning anymore .
But I know how annoyed he would be if I did anything silly. He fought so hard to live he was one of the bravest and strongest men I have ever met. 
hugs for us all because only us who are travelling this path truly understand what we are going through each and everyday. Platitudes don’t help like everything happens for a reason. And nobody know what the future holds, but we do lonilness and loss. Hugs Jo xxx
Roni52, I’ve now had a msg, not a phone call, to say they might not make it as car playing up. I suggested rescheduling but he wants me to wait till the last minute to travel 25 miles to meet up, whilst having to leave my faithful dog at home. That means I’m pandering to their demands when it’s me I should be thinking about now. I’m tempted to make alternative plans with my girlfriends in the village and to hell with them.
Hello @Harriet4Bill
Today it’s been a year when my wonderful wife died.,
I’m all over the place today with sadness. So many regrets, so many if only’s, so many whys?
I just go on to the next day as best I can and I know what it’s like to feel lonely and just want it all to go away. But it won’t and I’m fed up feeling bloody awful .
You’re not alone by a long way. Keep posting
My daughter, son in law and grandchildren popped in today. Lovely for them to do this. SIL did lots of gardening that I’m unable to do. I cooked for them all which was good for me.
I’m going to turn things around - My love and I were - the love of each other’s lives, soulmates, best friends and lovers right up until he was hospitalised.
I’ve been so very sad, so bereft and felt so hopeless without him.
I’m now going to be grateful that I knew the love of my life for over 50 years, 35 years married, a love story that no one else has experienced and I’m going to feel privileged to have known this amazing man, godfather to one daughter and stepfather to my other daughters.
I need to feel the positives, not to say I won’t cry, because I miss him so much, or that I don’t want to leave the house BUT I have to believe that I was lucky to be his wife and to be part of most of his life.
@Dutchman
Anniversaries are the hardest things. You’ve made it thus far, you’ve been stronger than you expected to be. Today you’re allowed to weep, reminisce and rue her passing. You’re a loving husband and death doesn’t change that. Thinking of you
You were so lucky to have your husband for so many years. I was Bill’s second wife (his first wife died suddenly in 2012) we only had 10 years - in fact it would have been our 10th wedding anniversary on 30th August. I would have loved more years but it wasn’t to be. I know that some couples don’t get that long but I had hoped for a few more years as we had made plans for the garden etc and I miss him so much.
dozydi - I should have added that although you were lucky to have your husband for that length of time - you will obviously miss him very much.
@Harriet4Bill
Length of marriage doesn’t always reflect depth of feeling. Your 10 years was, very obviously, a deep, loving and intense relationship. My relationship was too. Other people’s relationships may be far more “superficial”
Reading through your posts shows me how much you loved each other, not everyone gets to experience that sort of love. Stay strong, cry if you need to, stay in bed if you need to - simply you do whatever you need to get through this - at some point we’ll emerge. We won’t necessarily be stronger but we may be able to manage better. Xxx
Oh that’s rubbish. But it could just also be the truth and they don’t want to cancel at the last minute with no warning.
See if you hear from them today and then if you do meet with them, how that feels.
It may be that you reconnect as you used to or maybe that connection is gone.
I suppose you won’t know until you see them.
But also make sure that you are looking out for yourself. If they impact you more negatively than positively then perhaps it’s time to move on from that friendship.
Let me know how things go.
It is so difficult to navigate these relationships after the loss of our loved ones xxx
Totally get where your coming from ! I did a funeral plan straight after my lovely husband suddenly passed in April as my not so lovely ex husband was also found dead in his flat in January my sons father ! Dont want my only child my son to be left with a mess ! The plan is in place I don’t care when my time is ! Not without my lovely Nick ! I waited so long to marry him together 24 years and only got 17 months of marriage feel totally robbed x
Oh Jane 15 - this is such an horrendous thing we are going through. I knew it would be hard but it is beyond words.
I am trying to get everything straight for Bill’s son and daughter. I know we shouldn’t wish our lives away, and not so long ago I had the best life, as no doubt you did, but that’s gone. I can only speak for myself when I say my life ended the day my Bill passed away. I hate the life I have now and just want to be with him.
Sending you love and lots of hugs
Sending you a big hug xx
Hi Dutchman
Sorry you feel like that, the milestones are so difficult. Hope you can have a better time soon. Please take care of yourself. I had a week that hit me like a Volcano, and am trying to just do one thing at a time, if I think of the bigger picture its just too overwhelming. Can you get out into the countryside at all near to where you live? I find being in the house is the worse thing sometimes. Sending hugs to you. xx
yes Nick was my 3rd time lucky hubby, after two previous abusive marriages that’s how I know no one will ever come close to him, in the 24 years together Nick taught me the meaning of unconditional love, we just has the " best " time together, I am 56, so what another 30/40 years of not having him, it’s like a prison sentence x
I understand that so well I am 59 and totally lost Gra was the love of my life treated me like a princess, now what i am so alone and lonely. Xxx
Roni53, the meet went ahead after all. The car sorted. As it happened I walked past them in the pub!! Still we did have a nice lunch that they treated me too and we reminisced about my late husband. Caught up on our kids antics and their charity works. I left after almost 3 hours, but interestingly we haven’t arranged another date to get together. One thing I did learn today is that he taught my son to smoke 25 years ago, a habit my boy still continues much to my discontent!