I’m so pleased you met up. And that they treated you to lunch and were able to talk about your husband. I find that often people don’t even want to speak my husbands name and that really upsets me.
Do you feel that it was something you would want to do again ? If you were together for 3 hours it must have felt ok ?
My counsellor gave me some information today about how people react to grief which was really helpful, but also confirmed my understanding around some people not feeling comfortable around grief and so they aren’t able to support you. Perhaps that is how your friends have been feeling.
They may still feel the same or they may change after today’s meeting.
Hope you’re not too tired now - I always find these emotional meetings make me feel exhausted.
Take care and well done you for having the courage to go today. Xxx
Thanks Roni52. You might have something there. He in particular had a great friendship with my husband and it was him that instigated pulling out old photos from his phone. Broke the ice. I also found his own mum died this year so he’s aware of grief now. Yes it went okay today though we didn’t set up another date. Probably be next year and a BBQ with my children to support us. I do feel I made a breakthrough today though. I walked into a pub alone for the first time in years. I always had my husband with me.
You should be very proud of yourself and I’m sure your husband would be too. It is so hard doing these things without them. Everything in its own time. Rest well tonight xx
Hiya, Glad you were ok with it. Well Done for walking in the pub, it is a great feat on your own. It can be so hard but you did it. Sometimes I take a book too so I can focus on reading that if I just go for a drink. Tiny steps are the best. take care x
It’s also 20 months since I lost my husband. The grief was just awful with feelings of not being able to cope etc and such sadness. I pushed people away. It was so difficult to lunch with friends discussing holidays etc.
I was supported by my lovely beautiful 56 yr old son only to loose him 6 months ago only 4 months after a diagnosis of a brain tumour. Now my life is completely meaningless and I just want it to end. My psychiatrist tells me I can move on with the right counselling and support and has suggested “solution based brief therapy” . Is anyone reading this message undergoing such there? I just don’t believe anything can help and at 82 just want to go.
I felt I had to reply as the comment from your psychiatrist I thought was really insensitive, how on earth are you expected to move on? You have lost not only your husband but your son too …how can there be any solution to that, therapy based or not?
It all takes time to process and even function, so do things at your own pace, in your own time, when you feel ready. Be kind to yourself and don’t put yourself under pressure, you are grieving and there is no solution to take but time and looking after you. Big hugs
Mag B.
I’m so sorry that you’ve not only had to deal with the grief of losing a beloved husband but to lose your son too is horrendous. Just 56 and so quickly. The fact you are still here and posting is testament to YOUR strength. “Move on” isn’t a term used by those struggling with loss, grief, anxiety and loneliness. “Move on” is used by those who’ve never been where you have been or where you are now. I wish I had a magic wand. Take care. Xx
I am sending us all hugs I think this journey we are on is so painful lonely and awful.
Is there any end to the pain I am not sure, its 13 weeks tomorrow since my darling husband Gra passed. It is so hard every day is a struggle to get up and do what we need to do. Xxx
@MagB I am so sorry that you have had so much loss.
I lost my husband who was 56 almost 6 months ago after a short battle with cancer.
His dad though also lost his wife of over 60 years, 3 years ago in 2021 then another son ( my husbands younger brother ) 2 years ago to a brain tumour. He was aged 52.
My father in law is now aged 87 and I know he is just biding his time until he can join them. He is so sad most of the time but does try, and he gets out with friends when he can and still makes an effort. His physical health isn’t great and I know his heart could give out any time.
We are now closer than we have ever been and he is now so invested in my kids lives - much more than he used to be and it is lovely to see. He phones them to find out about exams, work etc and sends them well done cards and presents when they do well.
He came to stay recently and it was lovely to chat to him about our losses and I could now truly understand how he felt about losing his wife.
It is truly heartbreaking all this loss, and although his other kids are very supportive I don’t know how he keeps going.
But he does. One day at a time. Finding a little joy where he can.
It is so hard I can see. But you are not alone in your grief. I’m so sorry I can’t do more.
Sending lots of love and strength xxx
Why is it that so many people are experts on how you should be feeling. My half brother text me to see how I was. I was honest with him, so he tells me it will get better. How does he know, he’s never been in this situation, he’s never been on his own.
A friend who texts me tells me I should find things to do - keep myself occupied. This because I said I couldn’t find the will power today to do anything. If I want to sit and watch the tv isn’t that up to me.
Before I married my Bill I spent over 20 years on my own. I had a job and when I took early retirement I did a fair bit of voluntary work for my local church, which kept me busy. After we were married we moved to the other end of the town and so lost touch with people. Now, I don’t have any family of my own and feel there is no purpose to life. Bill’s two are supportive but they’ve got their own families and don’t need me. Bill and I lived for each other. Doing everything together and looking after each other. Now he’s not here what purpose in life is there. This has become a house - doesn’t feel like a home any more. He spoiled me rotten and bought me some lovely things which are around the house but now he’s not here to share them and it’s heartbreaking.
Sorry to go on. I’m just fed up of people, who have never been in this situation, telling me how I should be feeling and what I should be doing.
Love and hugs to everyone and thanks for your patience
Bridget’s name was never mentioned last time we all met as though it was embarrassing all round.
Why doesn’t some come up to me, ask how I am, really appreciate the feelings I have. But we’re not able to emphasise with some who’s grieving because no one has the abilities. We’re in a world where death is tucked away. Until it happen to them.
I am in Devon and my family are 262 miles away in Liverpool, I lost my husband suddenly 5 months ago, I am 56 and I have a son age 28 with me in Devon. I post pictures of me on facebook " being happy" going out and doing things! because they all think I am just getting on with it! The past 5 days i have been quite ill with the flu, and my family are all saying how they have not heard from me, ! so when i said I have actually been ill and finding it hard to shake off, and I said my immune system is probably low as in the 5 months I have lost my husband I have not had one full nights sleep, and thats with prescribed sleeping pills! I am Just knackared! This is not what they want to hear because no one has replied to that!
Mo ots not what they want to hear, if you was to say you are fine and happy they would repond.
I have family but are they around dont be daft i have 2 brother I have seen one once the other twice . I have a son who I have also seen twice.
Its 13 weeks today and I am expected to be ok. When I do try and explain I get give it time you will get better.
They wont ever understand till they walk in our shoes. Hugs jo xxx
I read that our immune system is weakened by grief.
Not surprising at such an emotionally devastating time, add in poor diet and sleep and it is easy to see how we are susceptible to the bugs and viruses.
First of all so sorry for your loss although anything I say cannot possibly come close to making you feel better.
I went through what you’re going through now and had sleeping pills but the grief I felt overcame everything. It’s been a year since she died and 5 years since she left our home to go into a care home. I was devastated, in a bad mess and considered ending it all. What was the point?
But we carry on and little by little we cope. What else is there? I’ve had help from the Samaritans and a counsellor. Please consider both. You cannot do all this on your on.
Thank you for your reply. There is some comfort in knowing I am not alone in my grief.
I try very hard and take the dogs out for walks everyday. I also garden and sail.
I also meet friends but feel very disconnected to them.
I have 2 wonderful granddaughters who are grieving for their father ( my son 56 yrs ). They are going travelling so I will miss them too. Andy their dad told them before he died to live life to the full and to make lots of new memories. If I were younger then I could consider this but at the moment I don’t have the energy for anything.
My Bridget suffered with dementia for almost 8 years and I just about coped with the condition until I couldn’t.
It was just two months after she died that I developed lymphoma and had to have chemotherapy. Was it stress, is it all related? I don’t know. But terrible stress is detrimental to your health and you’re better off without it.
But grief and stress go together and are not avoidable
Me again. My Achilles heal is looking at photos of her when she was in the care home. She didn’t know me as her husband. But she seemed content and that I will always be grateful for .
I want some form of resolution to all these feelings. Some acceptance that I’m not a bad person for treating her wrong when she was in the deepest dementia struggle.
After all , I’m just an ordinary person who tried to cope with an impossible situation with no experience or previous training. Just a husband losing his wife.
I wish I could convince myself I’ve little to condemn myself for but I keep coming back to how I couldn’t protect the one person who was so vulnerable and helpless, who needed me.
Part of me feels I don’t deserve the freedom I have now. I’ve a lovely house but it’s empty of her. It’s not fair. And why me? We all ask ourselves this i suppose
