How did you treat her badly? She needed specialist care that you weren’t qualified to provide. She was in a safe environment and you visited her. You didn’t abandon her. You were with her every step of the way through that dreadful disease so you can’t do more than that. If she didn’t know you she would recognise that her visitor was a kind person and that would be a comfort to her.
This journey is dreadful enough without feeling guilty for something that is completely unwarranted. Please be kind to yourself.
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You did nothing wrong nothing to feel guilty for. You did your best by her, and none of us can do more. I know those questions of did I do it right did I do enough.
We can only do what we believe is the right thing , we rely on doctors etc to advise us what they think is right by our loved ones.
This journey is such a painful one I send you hugs Jo xxx
It’s so hard to rationalise things when grief messes with your mind. I tried to do my best at the time and, of course, I stood by her all the time. Why wouldn’t I.
I loved her and we promised to look after each all those years ago. You’re right in what you say. I’ve got to accept things which is very hard to do.
Thanks anyway.
Peter
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I have lost seven people I loved dearly. For each one of them my mind found a reason to feel guilty.
I should have known there was a problem, even though they seemed fit and healthy until they had cardiac arrests.
I should have known it was a brain haemorrhage and not the usual migraine.
I should have known that the cancer had progressed.
I should have visited them in hospital an hour earlier, then I would have been there when they died.
I should have visited that night instead of the next morning, getting there half an hour after they died.
We did our best, nobody can do more.
Wishing you love and peace. Xx
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You write beautifully, honestly, raw and from the heart , have you considered writing ? I did my one and only book after my husband died it helped me greatly x
Kind of you to say @Jane15. I try not to water down my feelings too much - can’t see the point.
We’re all in the same old boat that carries us slowly through this thing called grief.
Interesting to see that you wrote a book. Was it a story of your life together? I’m afraid ours wasn’t that interesting enough, just doing things together and being together was enough.
Peter
My story was basically me a dancer from liverpool being sent to Devon to a holiday camp and how my life changed from there , two previous hell marriage’s especially the second one , my ex husband who was also the father of my son was found dead in his flat in January this year I felt nothing but relief , and then 3 months later my lovely “happy ever after husband suddenly dies “ I felt robbed me writing it all down helped me x
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Hello. Just thoughts today.
Today I’m quite busy and this diverts my attention away from thinking too much about Bridget. But it doesn’t take much to remind me that I’m on my own now and the idea of being a couple is fading. Our pictures of us of course are the memories but I share them with no one. Not being able to share is hard.
I’ve been told to remember the good times and there are plenty of photos of her and it’s her facial expressions more than anything that grabs my heart. Thirty years of knowing her smile, her funny face, a face caught off guard and that quick smile of joy. I’m almost there with her on that day - just out of reach.
But then I’m drawn to the dementia photos to remind me of how she was and what took her away from me. Can you be content within dementia? Her smile at me when I saw her and her almost acceptance of her situation, compliance towards the staff, she never cried. And I couldn’t get back into life, she’d forgotten me and I wanted so much to be remembered as her love.
Peter
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She may have remembered you, but was unable to articulate that. I think her smile when you visited was because deep down she did recognise you as her true love.
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I agree with Jodie my mum had forgotten everyone but I always got that smile. Her carers commented that they couldnt get her to smile but as soon as I walked into that room that smile would beam. Your wife was the same take heart with her smile. Hugs Jo xxxx
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@Dutchman
Dementia cannot take the love away from either of you because that love lived in her heart not her mind. That love would always be known to her, love is a feeling not a thought. Try and focus on your life together before the dementia took over, she would want you to focus on those memories of your life together. Maybe you could put the dementia photo’s away out of sight until such a time that you can look at them differently?
Don’t let the dementia define who your wife was because it wasn’t her.
You will always be remembered as her love right up until the end 'because you were and she knew that
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Thank you so much everyone.
What would I do without the emotional and practical help offered here 
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Project………. I’m going to go through all the photos we ever had ( there’s a lot😁) and separate the “normal” Bridget and form an album that shows our loving life together.
You’re right that dementia should not define who Bridget was. That means it has won and I’m not going to let that happen. Dementia can be likened to an evil curse that causes a complete transformation
Unfortunately what happens is that the dementia years are so very different to the “normal” , so stressful, hurtful, heartbreaking that they overshadow what went before. The bad sticks like Velcro and the good slides away like Teflon
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I’ve always wanted to make some sense of all that’s happened to me over the dementia years and eventually Bridget dying last year.
I never could control the bizarre behaviour of dementia and we can’t determine when someone dies. I’ve blamed myself for many things - someone to blame, yes me, at last something to focus on. Phew!
. But, of course, all the if only’s, what if’s, all the going over it all won’t make any difference, because what ever I did or didn’t do at the time probably wouldn’t have altered the fact that Bridget developed dementia and dementia is a terminal illness- 5 years at best.
It’s strange though that, as long as she was in the care home she was around, and I could visit and she was still mine. I really wished I’d visited more and for longer, I regret that. I went every other day for 2 hours. There we are, guilt again😩. Now she’s gone, even experiencing anticipatory grief, it’s so final. So what do we do with regrets?
Peter
The sad reality of dementia is that even if you’d visited every day for 8 hours, she wouldn’t have remembered. When you did, she smiled because she knew it was you in that moment. The only blessing is that if she’d had a bad day she wouldn’t have remembered. Please be kind to yourself. You were with her always and you can’t do more than that.
I know how tiring and draining it is with someone with dementia, I watched my mum go from a strong lady to someone who didn’t even remember my dad. Its a cruel disease and I think worst for the family.
My husband had started forgetting things the last year or so. But at least if there is a blessing he passed before he forgot who I was.
Those all what if questions just throw up more questions and we punish ourselves with them.
Hugs Jo xxx
Bless you both my mum got dementia its heartbreaking seeing them get worse as months pass by , im a carer for both mum and dad both got health issues 85 & 89 i love them both so much its so hard on dad some days i can see the overwhelming look on his face sometimes i feel so guilty because its so hard greving my husband and being a full time carer, and trying to spend time with my kids / Grandkids, friends i just want to scream
Thank you so much @jevncute and @jody
Your kind replies made me realise, and quite emotionally, that you’re of course right. I have to trust that she saw me as a safe friendly person.
There will always be regrets because we can’t do everything and at the time is not the same as looking back on it with hindsight.
Peter
Peter you will one day realise you did all you possibly and physically could do with the wicked card you was dealt. Hold you wife and her smile close in your heart. And appreciate the love you both shared.
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Tina I cant imagine you are dealing with it all, you must be mentally and physically drained.
I know how tired I am from grieving for Gra. Without the added pressure of caring for your elderly parents. Do you not have brothers or sisters that can help you. If they are anythingblike my family then I know the answer. Hugs jo xxx
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