It is very much a personal choice isn’t it. My husband was cremated and his sons had his ashes interned and a memorial stone erected at the cemetery, so up to them to maintain it like you say. I had a memorial bench at home in the garden where we both loved being together so I sit there with a cuppa and chat to him and I feel his presence here in his home where we shared our lives together. The boys made it clear they ‘owned’ his ashes so I let them get on with it, they can’t take him from my heart and memories. My husband would actually hate me going to a cemetery. He had no beliefs and said when you are gone that’s it. He couldn’t have cared less if he went in the recycling bin lol
2 Likes
Annoying that the family insists on things and then don’t want to get involved. I was lucky that mine left it all to me and our daughter and when they visit me they are ok about going to the meadow.
I’ve known about so many that only want to be involved when it’s over money, property, etc. never helped when it mattered, always have some lame excuses.
Not worth the effort to be concerned over it but we do of course.
My first husband had always said he wanted crematorium after he had cancer. My second husband was always up for burial up to two or three years ago when he said he wanted pure cremation. He didn’t want myself or his daughter to go through a funeral. It was strange but I followed his wishes. . Hugs Jo xxx
3 Likes
Hi Jo, we have a lot in common. Two husbands that we loved dearly.
My second husband wanted a pure cremation too, so there was no ceremony and the scattering of the ashes was unattended. Like you, I felt strange about it, but I followed his wishes. As you know, we were both already widowed when we met. His first wife had cancer and planned her funeral, which Jeremy went along with. Amongst other things she had left instructions for Jeremy to take her ashes, mixed with those of her two cats and scatter them in a specific meaningful place. He did it, but found it very traumatic, I think he didn’t want to put me through either that or having another grave to worry about.
As for my first husband, I asked his family why they never visit the grave they insisted upon. They said that it would be “too upsetting”.
Well, yes, I find it upsetting as well, even after all these years. I do it because it is the right thing to do.
As Jeremy has no memorial yet. I am going to plant a magnolia tree in the garden when it is the right time of year. But, most importantly, he is in my heart, along with my first husband, parents and sister, where they will always remain, whatever the future holds for me.
Xx
4 Likes
I don’t want a funeral service either. The
1 Like
My husband died a year ago now on 19th September. We were together for 50 years. His wish was that I spread his ashes at sea, but I haven’t been able to let him go yet. I will hopefully next summer but in the meantime I talk to his pictures all over the house. His ashes are in the conservatory where he used to soak in the sunsets when alive. Yesterday I went to a friend’s funeral and I’m afraid I blubbed, as one of the poems she had I read at my husband’s funeral. Still a year and 2 days on I will still fall apart at the slightest prompt.
2 Likes
Evening Willow , we sure do, I hate the pain it as caused losing both of them but I appreciate the love and happiness both men brought into my life , both where special and unique in there own way.
Gra my late husband had gone through losing and burying his first wife and he didnt want myself or his daughter to go through that.
He wanted us to remember him for who he was and to celebrate is life.
Families make me laugh they can put you through attending his grave but not them, if its painful for them what the hell do they think you feel. Selfishness.
Hugs Jo xxx
1 Like
Bless you, you keep his ashes if thats what you want to do. Get your family to scatter you together if thats what you want.
I dont care if its a year or ten there are always goingvto make us cry. Hugs jo xxx
1 Like
Hello, My best friend lost her husband due to a diving accident. He wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered at sea. She did as he wished and then did something I think was lovely. She had the co-ordinates of where the ashes were scattered engraved on a large slate obelisk and put it in her garden.
Xx
4 Likes
Hiya
If something makes you feel better you should do it. I often talk to Pete when I am washing the dishes!! sending hugs and love to you all xx
2 Likes
Hi there , know what you mean, some days are ok other times not, its whatever will work for you in the end, small steps are the best I find, I hit a wall about two weeks ago, Pete had been gone since last November and couldnt understand why I would hit it but crying until I couldnt cry any more helped and starting to be kind to myself and not beat myself up when I couldnt cope helps also, different things affect people in different ways, sending lots of love to you xxx Being on here helps alot as you can see other people understanding how you feel. take care of yourself xx
2 Likes
Hi, you must do what you feel able to do when you want to. Please dont be worried that you cried, it just means that you loved him and had happy memories together. You will get stronger and suprise yourself. The other week I tried to put one of his hats in the charity bag and had to take it out again. You are not alone, sending love and hugs xx
1 Like
Hi Willow
Wow what a great thing to think of doing, bet she gets lots of comfort with that in the garden, thanks for sharing xx
Willow112, what a lovely idea.
1 Like
Absolutely right - “They” have no idea do they?
1 Like
I used to take the same journey every other day to Bridget’s care home. For over four years the same roads.
So yesterday, while driving the same way, the strongest feeling of loss hit me. That she’s not there anymore. What was usual is now gone.
I felt that if I just take that left turn, go through the gates she’ll be there. The usual “ hello Pete”, she’s in the sun room”.
God, how long does all go on for? One year, two, three? It’s like a prison sentence with no chance of release
9 Likes
Hello @jantee
I lost my wife last September after 4 years of gradual decline with dementia.
The way I look at it is that I don’t have any other choice but to get through the day, one at a time. Some days are better than others. Even when she didn’t know me when she was in care I still loved her and now I’m finding that I regret not spends more time at her care home.
Regret achieves nothing i know but I can’t help it. I miss her and miss seeing her, even at her worse. My days are varied but pretty empty.
All I can advise is that as we move away from losing them it gets easier only by tiny tiny bits. But it’s still something.
Peter
4 Likes
I have a headache from hell - 6 months since my husband died and I miss him just as much. It’ll be his Birthday on the 2nd of October followed by our wedding anniversary. He was such a delightful person always busy doing something, always had his cup half full and I’m finding the silence in the house deafening. How do you cope with the loneliness and the massive hole that’s been left. I’ve been trying to keep busy but grief is exhausting and I’m struggling!
4 Likes
6 months is no time at all @Gill9. I’m just over 6 months and it’s been my daughter’s birthday today - her first without her dad. We had a nice day and some laughs but we all missed my husband and it just isn’t the same without him.
Just one day at a time is all we can do - and try and fill the time with things that ease our pain or give us some joy if we can.
It takes time to adapt but just try be patient with yourself and not expect too much.
Sending some love and strength xx
6 Likes
Thank you for your message - it really helps with the isolation when someone replies. You and your daughter must miss your husband terribly. As you say, a day at a time. My son, who has his own family now, coined the phrase Be More G, G was the nickname I used for my husband. He was always able to motivate himself and he lived his life to the full and he was a good roll model for us all. I am trying to be more like him but I also have to learn to be patient and sit with the grief when it comes but sometimes it feels overwhelming. Thank you again for reaching out and I’m sending you a thank you hug.
6 Likes