Such a good positive way to look at it im trying everyday , today been awful but i did think i need to try sort myself a life but i really dont know how to and where to start ,my friends have still got husband’s so how can i sort my life i spend as much time with my grandkids but i know i need to move forward with life its so hard
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Yes, I agree with you Elkira. There’s bugger all we can do about it. No amount of bargaining with God or the universe will get them back. It doesn’t matter how unfair it is, how needed they were, how good they were, or how much we love and miss them.
Sadly, the only thing we can do is pick ourselves up from the floor and get on with whatever needs doing.
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I experienced that rasping sound too, like I know others have it’s still with me now 4 months later , just HOW you can be talking to person one min and the next at your feet, it’s getting my head around that ? X
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@Jane15 that’s the one thing that still haunts me, his final breath 
at the time I never ever thought I could deal with it and live without him, and if I’m honest, I didn’t want to, I was a mess for 10 days, then on day 11 the tears stopped, I actually showered which I hadn’t done, I washed my hair, I put clean clothes on and I had my morning coffee in the garden in the sun and a sudden sense of something like peace washed over me, I knew then that as much as it broke my heart, I’d accepted he was gone, he wasn’t coming back & while I still have bad days,I’ve learnt to control my pain and choose life 
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@Willow112 that’s exactly it,what can we do? Nothing, it’s probably one of the only hurdles in life we can’t change, no amount of crying, shouting, praying if that’s your thing will bring them back. We have to make the choice to accept that and carry on, not with the life we once had, but a different one, with a different path, I will love Chris forever but my life has to go on
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@Tinatina baby steps lovely, one little positive thing per day is enough…your friends will be going through the same thing one day, as sad as it, that’s the circle of life, you can still be in Thier company, I know it hurts and jealousy will play a part, you will hate how unfair it is that they still have thier husbands, but we mustn’t carry that in our hearts, its not good for us only we can let the pain go and move forward, nobody can do it for us , big hugs xx
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Such wise words we dont have a choice in this we either step foward or we stay standing where we are in total misery. I know for sure i cant live my life in misery , i hope with all my heart at some point i can move forward without the pain. Xxx
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And you will, it’s not easy, but we will do it. Xx
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Iknow what you saying is true i had a bad day yesterday sat thinking i really do need to start getting on with life , but dont know where to start if im honest , im at my happiest when ive got my grandkids but i do know i need to do something for myself too i dont know why im like this but i always feel the need to help people even at my own expense
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Yes my husband died 3am on the bathroom floor i heard these horrible sounds but they must of lasted literally seconds they will haunt me for the rest of my life he had a sudden heart attack no signs whatsoever its been 4 months and all i can say it does get a bit easier at least it has for me the early days are the most darkest days you’ll go through but i don’t cry everyday and im doing things and going places which i first you literally can’t do anything
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@Tinatina everyone copes differently, what’s right for me may not be right for you, personally I found taking pictures down helped me, it was destroying me to wake up every day and look at his goofy smiling face, same with my phone, his picture was my screen saver, I just couldn’t bare it, some ppl might think that strange, but it really helped me, the pictures are stored away until the day I can look at them and smile at our memories, I moved house too, I couldn’t be in the place he died, I just kept seeing him there every minute of every day, I’m 3 months in now and in a new home which has kept me so busy, i have a beautiful garden which he would have loved, I’m sat in it now just listening to the birds. I have to focus on these things, anything to keep my mind occupied. I can’t and won’t be broken, it’s hard, it really is, but it’s what I need to do in order to survive my loss
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Same as you say we all cope different ways ive got his photo up in livingroom i do get comfort from seeing his face and sometimes talking to him , somedays i think i need to move house but we have both worked so hard to get our house as we wanted it spent alot ofoney i do love my house and my best friend lives next door ,think it would break my heart to move so many good memories in this house ,
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After the rasping they got nicks heart going again but he never regained consciousness he was in ICU for two days that was hideous false hope had to watch them turn his life support off he didn’t make one sound he just went , I felt like I had to watch him die twice ! As for me it was that final sound in our living room at my feet 2 days earlier x
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This is an unwanted and horrendous place we are in.
We react and cope differently.
Please don’t be hard on yourself.
You sound like a very caring person.
I think it is a common belief (or should it be myth?) that things get easier in the second year as the firsts, birthdays etc, have happened.
For some this could well be the case.
I have read quite a few posts on here where people have written about
the second year. These have been from those who finding the second year hard.
So there is no one timescale fits all.
Take care.
Sending a big hug,
Rose xx
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@Tinatina we lived in the middle of nowhere, no family or friends around me, while we loved it while Chris was still here, I felt so isolated after he passed, I knew immediately that the good memories were being overshadowed by that tragic night, so I moved back to my home town by the sea, it’s really helped me to refocus. I totally get you not wanting to move, had we have been where I am now then I might have been able to stay with having a support network around me. I don’t need the photos to be fair, his face is constantly in my head and heart
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Not a good day today.
One of the cats has been really spooked by something yesterday.
Not eating and has hidden at the bottom of my wardrobe since about 8 yesterday evening. He won’t come out.
My lovely neighbour who has been such a great support has just told me she is looking at a house tomorrow. She is obviously very excited and it looks likely she will go for it.
I know it is selfish of me, but I just feel everyone is leaving me.
First my husband, then most his family, siblings weren’t there for me, then friends drifted away now I could lose my lovely neighbour.
Yes, that is selfish but I think some of you will understand.
Rose xx
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Bless you @Jane15 I can totally understand how horrible that must have been, I remember when the ambulance came that night with the crash team arriving by helicopter, Chris was already gone, I knew that and they knew that but they tried, mainly because I was hysterical, I kept begging them to take him to hospital and give him a new heart, I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life, I feel for you so much having that false hope
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That is so true. I also took down his photos. Looking at that beautiful face every morning and night , my heart broke everytime. My screensaver also. I have had that same screensaver of me and Colin on my phone for a few years but it had to go. I have tucked it away in a folder until i can look at it again and just see memories and not heartache and like you, it has helped. He will always be there in my head and my heart.
The house…well, we moved here at the end of April of last year and he loved it, we both do, did, and the things we changed together we think improved it. His ashes are in the garden so moving would not be an option for me i do not want to move actually. I know we only have a few memories here because he died on the 21st of July. We did a lot to it in the two months. My children are near, my sister is in the same village so moving…no…i’m here for the duration.
I am sat in the conservatory looking out at the garden we planted together and i see him pushing that bloody lawn mower that was older than him, around the garden and finding myself smile. I still have hope and dont judge me please, that it will not be too much longer before i am with him again, but in the mean time, i am upkeeping the garden and the house, i go to work and do my time there. I am making plans to meet friends again which i am doing this Friday . It is hard, i agree but i could be here for years so i am accepting the fact that he has gone and there is nothing i can do about that.
The messages i have been reading from you guys has taken away my survivers’ guilt and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please keep writing . Much love to all. Nicky x
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It’s not selfish Rose - completely understandable especially when those you hope or expect to be there for you are not.
Hopefully your cat will settle and give some comfort to you today.
Sending some love and a big hug xx
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Seems like a few of us are struggling today.
I also live in a quite isolated place. The lane turns into a bridleway at the bottom of my drive, so no passing traffic, the odd horse rider or person jogging or walking a dog.
We loved this house because of the location and views. I still love it, we spent ages finding just what we wanted and then making the necessary adaptations to suit my daughter’s needs. So, despite it being lonely I couldn’t move if I wanted to. We have wide doorways, wide stairs for the stairlift, an accessible wet room and shower toilets and no steps into the house. I would never find another like this. I have managed okay since he died 9 weeks ago, but we do sometimes get snowed-in as they don’t grit the lane.
He had a cardiac arrest in bed next to me, so some of the memories here as painful. I avoid looking at photos and visiting places we went together. It’s just what works best for me. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, then I just think of something else.
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