Feeling the pain with you all …its such an indescribable heartache ,unless you have gone through it you can’t imagine how painful it is .we had been together for 21. Yesterday was the worst day I have had since he passed away , today has been slightly better. I feel you all ,really I do . Thank goodness for this site .x x x
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It’s been ten weeks next week for me. I have had no professional counselling as they say it’s too early. I went through a very similar experience having to perform cpr to the best of my ability until the paramedics arrived. I live with the guilt of not being able to save June my wife of 43 years although the NHS state only 1-2 in 10 will survive having been given cpr. Many have life changing disability after. I would not have wanted that for June as she already had MS and fought cancer previously. June was my constant companion and best friend. We had no family so now I face the rest of my life alone. An awful prospect at 66. I relive the night multiple times daily and replay it in my mind. I know I am not alone. I am one of many hurting terribly. Take care all. Tony
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I so feel for you all. For most of you it’s still early days. For me it’s just over 14 months since I found my husband’s clothes on the seafront, neatly piled up against the seawall, but no trace of him! I still don’t know what exactly happened. He was a very keen sea swimmer. The inquest revealed that he didn’t drown and he didn’t have a heart attack. They think it was hypothermia. The verdict was ‘death by misadventure’. I can only hope he wasn’t aware of what was happening to him and didn’t suffer. I’ve had to deal with the trauma of losing him so suddenly mostly on my own as we couldn’t have children and I have no family in the UK. It’s been horrendous. We were married for 40 years. Has it made me stronger? More resilient? All I can say is that I have survived somehow, not that I wanted to live after he died. Having impaired vision has made me very anxious about the future at times. But I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I may not cry every day anymore and try not to focus on my problems too much. Doing voluntary work helps as well as meeting friends and joining groups/activities. Living on your own is very hard, but you can be lonely in company too. I hope you all have family or friends who care for you. But most of all you need to take care of yourselves because you matter. I guess we can only be comfortable with others if we are comfortable with ourselves. I hope that as time passes, your pain will get easier to bear. Your loved ones would want you to start living again. Xxx
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Is anyone on line. I feel lonely and anxious
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I don’t know what I would I without this site. I feel so lost today and the tears are pricking my eyes as I type this. I always feel worse at weekend. My sister has new relationship. I don’t want one. I want my husband back. She is full of excitement and I am full of sorrow. I miss my H so much and whatever I do never takes my mind off my loss. The sad ness is sitting heaven on my chest today. Life has lost its joy and purpose. Sometimes I feel a glimmer of hope and then I am back to feeling in the depths of despair. I have started writing a journal to get all my thoughts out of my head. I suppose this site is similar but with feedback from likeminded suffered. Sorry to be so bleak today x
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Hello Nel,
Sorry to hear you are suffering more than normal today. I felt down this morning and decided I should do some housework for June. I had some tears at breakfast time.
It’s been a while and while I used to do the heavy stuff June did more than her fair share despite her disability. I got more done than I thought and will finish off tomorrow as it’s passed some time and taken my mind off things. That’s not to say it’s the thing to do but it helped me today. I pushed myself to do something again. Yesterday was not too good at all.
I also had a long phone call with a good friend who I can talk to. It’s all about finding that person who will listen and not judge.
I find trying to slow and control my breathing helps me settle. I hope you have an easier evening Nel. Tony
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Hiya nel crap day today went for long walk as my brain was working overtime just so tired you take care lv annie x x
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Hi Nel. This is exactly how I feel most days. It has been nearly 33 weeks since my husband died and every day I cry I just wish he could walk through the door. You are right the weekends are awful. I feel cut off from the rest of the world. Loneliness is the worst part nobody to talk to. I write to Peter every day in a journal telling him exactly how I feel. I pour my heart out to him through my tears, I don’t know what else to do to get through this awful grief. Unless you go through it others will never know how it feels all they say is ‘time heals’. Not for me it doesn’t. Take care Nel, we are all in this for a a very long haul I’m afraid xx
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Awww, so sorry Nel. Grief can overwhelm us at any given moment.
Sometimes when I feel awful I just think “I’ll feel a bit better tomorrow”…sometimes I do.
I think writing a journal is a good idea and I’m sure it will help you.
Never apologise for how you feel Nel. We just have to try and keep going don’t we?
Thinking of you
Janey x
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Thank you guys. You’ve all made me cryyyx
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Nel,
I know from your previous posts that our spouses passed at home after cpr was unsuccessful. June passed without warning and had not been diagnosed with heart problems previously. Other life threatening or life changing illnesses but not her heart.
The following is copied from an NHS page relating to DNR orders. The second paragraph has helped me rationalise what happened and eased my guilt and anger that June could not be saved even by the experts. I certainly would not have wanted June to be saved only to suffer further. I hope you find the information of some comfort:
How successful is CPR?
CPR can sometimes get the heart and breathing going again. The actions used in CPR, such as chest compressions, can cause bruising, break ribs and puncture lungs.
Overall, CPR restarts the heart and/or breathing for between 1 and 2 in 10 people whose heart or breathing have stopped.
You have the best chance of CPR restarting your heart or breathing if:
- your lungs, heart or other organs are healthy and working well before your heart or breathing stops
- you are near a person trained in CPR
- any equipment that is needed, such as a defibrillator, is nearby
The chances of CPR starting your heart and/or breathing are lower if your lungs, heart or other organs are struggling to work before CPR is needed. Your organs might be struggling because you:
- have previous organ damage (for example, your lungs have been damaged by smoking)
- have a serious long-term condition (this is not the same as a disability)
- have current severe illness
- are frail
- are approaching the end of your life
Only a few people make a full recovery even if their heart or breathing can be restarted with CPR.
You may still be very unwell and need more treatment and you may never get back to the health you had before.
Your heart and/or brain may be permanently damaged. This is why DNACPR forms are written. They mean you do not receive a treatment that may prolong or cause suffering at the end of your life.
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It has helped a little. My husband was frail and hah pneumonia two years previously. His lungs were not the best. We got him breathing and he was responding when they brought him round slightly. He squeezed the consultants hand when asked and pulled his tongue out. I don’t think he realised what had happened. The following at the were stenting him and extubated him but something went wrong as they were doing this. I was asked to go to the hospital at 9pm but still don’t understand what happened. I asked if he was going to die but they said we would be having a ver different conversation if that was the case. He was transferred to Manchester Royal where they stabelized him but over the course of the following days they realised he had no brain function. They kept him going for four weeks until they could take him off sedation long enough to perform eeg. Once this had been done it was a fire gone conclusion. He also developed sepsis kidney failure and uncontrolled blood pressure. He needed a three way bypass. But this was not to be. I console myself with the fact that he knew nothing about this and did not suffer. I did not want him to be alive just lie there looking at me unable to do anything and pleading with his eyes. WHY. I know he would not have wanted that. I held his hand for five hours until he took his last breath. It was then my life as I knew it ended. I feel I have lost the safer and control in my life that he gave me. I will love and miss him forever x
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Dear Nel,
I think similarly that June did not suffer. All I got was a couple of grunts from her when I saw her head fall onto her left shoulder as she was sat at the kitchen table. I liken the passing to doing so in sleep. You are correct it is a consolation and a positive.
Our lives have changed forever as you say. It was said to me that June would want me to go on but it does hurt terribly every day without our other halted. Tony
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Hi Nel you are not alone . I am listening to you. We are all here for you. love Michael x
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After giving my dear wife CPR for twenty minutes before the paramedics arrived I knew she’d already gone.
Although the paramedics did everything they could , I asked them why they had not used the defibrillator, I was told that it is only of use if there is some sign of a beat ie: irregular beat , if there is no beat then the defibrillator is of no use, I thought the exact opposite.
Not sure if this helps anybody understand what you have might went through.
I miss my darling wife so much it’s indescribable.
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That night is a recurring blur. I know the paramedics intubated June used the defibrillator three times maybe four and Adrenalin shots. They also put up a drip at one stage. All to no avail and she was gone. Until we meet again darling June xx
Tony
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It’s so traumatising what we have all gone through and brings a bond that others cannot understand. Our lives instantly changed and we all plummeted into a life we do not want. I want thank you all for your kind words making me feel less alone. Thank you x
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Hello Nel wish your pain could ease ,that anxious feeling is awful …when it’s not there it’s a relief…seems we are all struggling to get through this awful pain …but …we are here with you …what a wonderful response…from genuine kind people…I hope your feeling more comfortable now …sending you love and strength…Sue
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Thank you for that post Shiney999
It helped me, my husband was struggling to breath in the night, I couldn’t get him off the bed to do cpr but the paramedics arrived quickly and tried cpr and shocking him for an hour but could not bring him back. He died last August and I got the coroners report in November but no body would explain it to me, his death certificate says only covid present. I asked the coroner but they told me to ask my doctors to explain it but they said they couldn’t and to go back to the coroners and so it went on, and all this time I was haunted by did he know, was he in pain, could I have saved him and what happened, no one would help me.
My work arranged for an occupational health nurse to speak to me on Wednesday last week to assess whether I was fit to return to work. She was so kind and was the first person to listen to me and help me. She went through some of the report on the phone and told me that his lungs were damaged and it would have been so quick, he wouldn’t have even known and I couldn’t have saved him.
Reading what you have posted has also helped me understand. It is the first moment of ease I’ve had in 6 months x
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Good morning to all my friends on here,well tomorrow will be the first Valentines Day without my beautiful wife Judith ,I always sent her a nice card and a gift.I will miss her so much,she never forgot me either.Having a bit of a cry whilst writing this.Life is not the same anymore.It sucks.I hate everyday now.Being punished for loving her so much.Why are we made to hang around and suffer like this.We spend our lives being a couple but then made to carry on alone.I am cursed with this unhappiness. Michael x
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