Yep definitely the pain has been passed on to us forever I feel. I had 14 years on and off of my sons addiction to drink and drugs, never knowing what could happen next, all I have is the rest of my life wondering why and how on so many things xx
MoBe anger is all part of this awful journey, I flit between angry and upset in the early days. I have also said to my partner if anything happened to me I donāt want medical intervention, or just turn everything off. I never thought days would ever get less painful, believe me they do but it takes time. I never thought I would ever leave the house again but I do, little steps, minute by minute xx
Heart pounding and feel like all my limbs are trembling, then worry I will have a heart attack at this rate and I donāt want my other son blaming his brother for my death, hāes already lost me as the mum I was, nothing will ever be the same.
Taff take a deep breath and try and relax if you can. Itās a panic attack, Iām not medical person. Your other son hasnāt lost you as his Mum, itās all part of this grief we go through. Remember minute by minute. Do you feel you can have a potter in the garden to try and distract yourself even if itās only for a few minutes. You and all of us can do this and do it together. Feel free to private message me and really off load, Iām here for you xx
Iām having a really hard day too. My heart races and I feel I need to run away, escape. I know itās anxiety and it will pass but I also know it will come back and I feel like itās getting worse. My world is shrinking, I am shrinking.
My neighbour knocked today to deliver a card that had been posted to her in error. Itās the first time she has spoken to since before my daughter died.
She actually told me āto cheer upā I hope the old c##* drops down dead, alone.
People dont understand, my neighbour would text me to tell me i needed to be strong, she stopped contacting me 4 weeks after he died, saw her husband in Street last week and he said you getting there, dont think they understand theres no getting there as well as losing him i have the guilt if what i shoukd of done. How life can change over night
People donāt have a clue but I excuse a lot as I didnāt know until it happened it happened to me, doesnāt make it easier though.
I prefer the rage and hating the world to the pain and anguish of the loss.
Iām not going to tell you not to feel guilty because even if we are 100% perfect we will always zone in on the things we think we should have/ could have done.
The only comfort I can take is she knew how much I loved her but that comes with itās own pain because it hurt her so much that she had to leave me.
I miss her so much, I just want my baby back.
How life changes and how people change towards us, and I guess how to change towards people. Other people donāt have a clue what we go through. Iāve been busy cleaning my car and polishing it, and painted the shed, in amongst that my so called best friend messaged are you go for a walk, messaged back no Iām busy, so Iām out doing my car she walked past with her husband, he spoke and she totally ignored meā¦I canāt be bothered. She still hasnāt asked my how I am after the inquest. Do you feel bit better than earlier on this morning xx
Had reflexology yesterday so coped with my 2am panic attack better, but back to tight chest again today and panicky. Lady from village popped up and then sheās talking about her son and Uni and Iām that was me doing all that and now iām going over all that he must have suffered there going over and over things ( just like me) when there would have been so many solutions if he asked. I just cannot believe this pain. I have to take my sons girlfriend to same Uni this weekend not sure how I will cope.
Glad you had reflexology and you went out to have that, a big step. Donāt even think about what you have to do at the weekend, just try and focus on the next hour or today. That was nice you had a visitor today, but hard in some ways which I fully understand, take care xx
When youāre up this way Taff if you want any recommendations of nice places to go sit you know Iām only on other end of the phone and as always here to support you.
Wake at 3am panicking about this weekend. Last time I went to Mother in Laws a week before he went it was his graduation, his last photo I have of him. Dreading seeing his Uni but part of me wants to see Library etc where he would have studied.
A difficult weekend is looming for you, but think about it, if I write this rightā¦.you have been through a lot worse recently, and I hope how I have put this is not patronising as it is definitely not intended that way. I learnt this from my partner before we went to the inquest and he was right. Do you have another GP appointment soon with regards to be signed off work. Take the weekend minute by minute, be thinking of you xx
You are right the worst thing that can ever happen has happened, nothing will be worse. Saw GP last Friday took one look at me, said oh you are still crying its been over 8 weeks, call cruse. Try some anti depressants! Didnāt ask me at all about how I was feeling, its a if I donāt ask and donāt know I havenāt got to treat.
Unless someone has gone through this hell they donāt have a clue of how we feel. Have you rung Cruse Bereavement or been on line with them. Iām just muddling through on my own. Have you started the anti depressant tablets, if so are they helping, Itās easy to say but difficult to try and do but try and have a few nice moments at the weekend. Take care xx
I totally agree the worst thing has happened, never really thought about like that before.
I had some sessions with CRUSE, I had to wait a while and it was over the phone. Iāve got to say the sessions really helped me, the lady I spoke to was lovely and she gave me some coping mechanisms to help get through Christmas xx
I am dreading that looming, never been a fan of it for many years, and to be honest it was never knowing how my son would be. I remember years ago he went missing on Christmas Day night, he said he was walking to his girlfriends, she appeared at my house without him. I went out looking for him, found him in the park totally out of it on drugs, he didnāt have a clue who I was, itās so so sad when I think back. He is at peace is all I think but so many questions unanswered and never will be. Last year we have a lovely Christmas together 
xx
@Taff That was a shitty thing of the GP to say
Try still crying after 8 years (and then some).
Iām just a week behind you and I feel itās harder than ever. I canāt look at her photos, hear her voice or see her things. I feel like I can do less and less and Iām clinging on to every little connection. Iām still sleeping in the sheets she died in.
@mobe it does feel harder, i think as the shock wears off and the numbness goes, the pain starts. Ive not washed his bedding either but will soon as im allergic to dust mites. But i will but some lidl washing powder as that what he used in uni.
@MJG not started the anti depressants yet , but may soon the anxiety is getting worse, and then i blame myself for his anxiety as its in our family. Not called cruse either, think i need more than breavement councilling its all what ifs , what i did wrong, what i didnt do, and all the unwanted images
Iāve asked for grief counselling, itās a 5 week wait, that I requested 6 weeks ago and still not heard anything yet.
Feel totally let down by all the healthcare services. I donāt see my GP, appointments done online, I answered all the mandatory questions honestly, yes Iāve thought about killing myself, yes my sleeping is interrupted, yes my appetite has decreased and YES I have anxiety.
I got a fit note back, for 4 weeks.
I feel totally alone, only the people on here know how hard this life is now.
@Taff my daughter doesnāt want me to take medication, she says these feelings are all part of grieving but I want something to take the pain away. Please, if you take them, let me know how you get on.