Anything stressful and it makes me cry, then I loose my temper with anything or anybody. You are so right, why should they be reduced to a folder, they were and our boys and always will be. This pain I feel today is like I have gone backwards to the day it happened. What we would give to have them back. I went in Sainsbury’s with my partner on Monday food shopping, loads of Christmas stuff out…so upsetting, I’ve decided the money I would normally spend on my son I’m going to donate it to a charity called ManDown, so close to my heart. Xx
I’m distraught at the thought of closing her accounts, the idea she’s no longer there. I keep paying her mobile and charge it every day, I still have everything in the room as it was the day she died. I just sleep amongst it, in her sheets, on her pillow.
I think that’s a lovely idea, the donation.
I hate everyone at the moment so I don’t want to help anyone, even charities.
I am so f#**ing angry ALL the time
The police have my sons phone, but im keeping contract open, i dont want others having his number and i keep texting him, like i would every day.
My sons birthday is begining of January so was thinking of giving a mens group a donation towards a curry
My temper is really bad again, and I don’t really care who has it the outcome of it xx
I closed my sons contract and sometimes wish I hadn’t. My son’s birthday is February so will give another donation to ManDown, that’s a lovely idea for a curry for men’s group. We won’t be doing Christmas, so any other money I may of spent will go to Marie Curie, Heartfoundation and Cancer as all so close to me having lost my parents. To be honest I have no family left, only person in my life is my partner, sad person I am today xx
We’re not doing Christmas either, don’t think we ever will.
It’s just my other daughter and me, lost my mother 6 weeks before my baby. Can’t even think to grieve for her as so consumed with losing my daughter. It’s so sad as I don’t even feel guilty.
I don’t feel anything anymore really, just loss and rage when I’m not staring down a black hole.
I’m so sorry you have lost your Mum, such difficult times for you. I won’t do Christmas again, to many memories. How is your daughter coping, I hope she can give you a bit of support. Keep messaging, it’s the only way where people actually understand. Xx
Finding every day is getting harder, really struggling with everything. Feel like my world is so much smaller, can only go to the same 2 shops and 1 walking route, everywhere else is too painful.
I’m finding I can’t even go in her room now, she died in my bed, in my room and I love to lie in her spot.
I feel like I’m living the wrong life.
I only go walking on one route, so you are doing really well even if you don’t see it. I like to smell my sons hoodies, and hold on to them. I’m so restless at the moment, moving things around in the house, not sure if it helps or not, take care, here for you, xx
Im not walking from the house, my husband drives me to local park to force me to walk a mile a day, ive not been in a shop either, too enclosed if i panic. My sons door is currently open like if he had been at Uni, closed when he was at home.
I don’t go anywhere on my own apart from a swim, get in the car, drive, out, swim, back and I don’t speak to anyone. I used to enjoy a walk on my own but can’t even do that and never go food shopping on my own, the fear of someone saying something to me about my son I can’t explain. I am having trouble controlling my temper at the moment. At least your husband is taking you in the car and you are having a walk which is good and all helps us in a way. I fully understand what you mean about having your son’s bedroom door open, if it helps than that is a positive. I keep thinking would my son want me to be like I am …no, but trying to deal with the grief is hell. I got a list of jobs I want to do today, keep me occupied. I hate the dark evenings already, my son used to love them and if we were together we would snug up under the duvet. Have you set yourself a little job to do today, I do find it helps, plus I am still writing my journal which helps, mind you if someone read it I would probably be sectioned. I have read back through it on occasions and I can see I have made progress. Take care, big hug xx
I’m never on my own either, the thoughts are too much when you’re alone.
I think anger is a huge part of the grief we feel, especially when we’ve lost a child, it’s never expected that our children will die before us.
I miss my daughter so much, I still think she’s here and it hits like a train when I have the realisation she’s actually gone. I can’t use the actual word for what has happened, I’ve noticed no one else on here uses the word either, we say ‘gone’ or passed’.
The other word is too definitive, final, irreversible.
I try to use the word resting I find that a bit easier…if anything is easier I’m really not sure anymore. Maybe try and have a bit of time in the sun today talking to your daughter, she will always be with you. I try and do a list of jobs each day to try and focus on something….it doesn’t always work. Take care, minute by minute xx
Think I spent most of the day crying. Her dad came to take back a jacket he’d given her, she wore it a lot so it felt like losing another piece of her.
Everything feels so hard. Tried to do a nice flower arrangement for her but it just feels wrong, we should be going out for brunch and laughing at her stories of living her life, I feel forever sad.
Really struggling with how his pain could have been worse that what I’m feeling at the moment and people saying he wouldn’t want you to be like this, no he didn’t want to be like this so took his life, not seeking help. Think my husband is also angry over the pain he has left behind and how I am , he seems to be managing.
I hate that line too or ‘she’d want you to be happy’
How the hell will I EVER be happy again.
I understand how angry you must feel, someone gave an interview recently and that great line ‘at least they’re not in pain now’ was used. The mother said no that pain is now mine, he’s passed that on to me.
People really do not understand, and I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but those stupid comments are made by people trying to make themselves feel better
And life is precious! No, it’s not it’s a bloody curse and life’s too short! Not short enough for me!
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The pain has definitely been passed on to me and its unbearable
I am so angry that I didn’t do it when I wanted to, I wanted to die with my daughter, I knew I couldn’t live with the pain of losing her, but she was so upset at the thought we would be leaving my eldest daughter on her own, with no family at all, that she made me promise to live. So now I am living in a total hell of nothing but pain and loss and anger.
I have told my eldest I will stay (for now) but I am never seeking medical help, so when it’s time I am going.
@Taff that pain is unbearable, people say it gets better but I can’t ever see how. The only thing that will stop that pain is if our children come back. 6 weeks today since I lost my baby, feels like 6minutes and 600years all at once.
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