1st time in a supermarket as i had to wait for son, there straight in front of me the sweets I would put into his stocking, cried driving all the way home. I dont want this life
Itās awful when you see reminders of what you would have bought. I cry at anything at the moment. Somehow we just have to plod on. Got to take car for MOT today, have to drive past where my son used to work. Take care xx
I know how you feel ,my son had learning disability , he lived independently . But he would come home for dinner at weekends , and I still look at and think what would he like. My son died of secondary bone cancer within 3months.He was in hospital all that time, my husband and I used to visit him everyday, he was so Brave and playing jokes laughing most of the times.Life is so cruel,47 years we loved and cared for him,he had so many friends.He helped inspired so many people with his courage.
The shops are very hard.
I can only manage the same couple of shops and the same 2 coffee shops, I use these every day as I canāt stay home in my own head. But these are so much harder now, the Christmas music is playing, the sweets (like you said @Taff ), people must think thereās that crazy lady again because I just stand there.
Iām desperately tapping myself or fidgeting with something in my hand trying not to have a full screaming, crying breakdown.
I think we should still wear black so people know we are grieving, to allow us to be crazy with grief
You could always wear a black band on your arm like people used to do years ago . Or a little black ribbon pinned on you .
I want a great big neon sign that says
FUCK OFF MY CHILD HAS DIED I WANT TO DIE TOO
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Hi
Itās 5 weeks today I found my 34 year old son dead in his flat, due I believe to accidental drug overdose. I believe he died on the 29th September. He was supposed to have been going out that Friday night, but because he suffered such anxiety talking to people he would self medicate. It was the first time he would have gone out for several years and I was pleased he was going out and even encouraged him. I did say I hope youāre not going to be taking anything and of course he said no. I said go to Wetherspoons and have a few pints and something to eat before you go out. If only heād done that. He didnāt even make it out. He overdosed and I believe died shortly after. I rang several times over the weekend but thought he was probably hungover. He often didnāt answer his phone. I left it until the Tuesday and went over. I had a feeling of dread and my worst fears were realised. Iām devastated, we were so close. His dad died in 2012 and that was the turning point in his life and he started taking drugs to ease his pain. It caused severe mental health problems over the years and Iāve had a nightmare trying to deal with it. The last 2 years he got put on an injection and it transformed his life and we had a wonderful time travelling in my motorhome. This year we went to Greece in it for 3 months. I have wonderful memories but they break my heart. My life is over and I just want to be with him and his dad
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So sorry @Delmar youāve had to join this board, however we have all found these boards very supportive as only another parents can understand what we are going through. These thoughts go on and on through our heads .
@MJG hope you managed to drive to the MOT okay
@MoBe the dressing in Black seems a good idea, i was normally a bright coloured clothes person now im grotty joggers and old top, if I get dressed.
Iām so sorry @Delmar youāve lost your son, you may not feel it now but as @Taff said, this is a really good place to air how youāre feeling and to rage against the pain.
There will be times you feel itās helping and times when you canāt even look at this page but hopefully you come back to it and take some comfort that we are all suffering the same loss.
We have similar but different stories to tell, nothing we say can bring him back, nothing we say will change the way you feel right now, that may not change ever, I still want to die to be with my girl, like you, she was my life.
But there is always someone on here who will reply xx
Thank you Taff, yep drove ok to get car doneā¦no tears as I passed by where my son used to work. Xx
The shops are so hard especially at the moment. I was at the garage today down loading there appā¦some woman in the showroom said to meā¦you can change the colour so itās all Christmas themeā¦.glared at her and said I donāt do Christmas anymore. I actually felt like telling her to fā¦ck off and the reason why. I like my own companyā¦itās easier to deal with xx
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@Delmar im so sorry for your loss. I lost my son 2 years ago in very similar circumstances. I found him dead in bed when I came home from work. I think heād died the night before but I didnāt go in his room in the morning.
I still have terrible flashbacks, itās the worst thing possible losing a child. Take it hour by hour, day by day. Iāve kept a journal as well, writing helps me get things out of my head. Iām not with his dad so thereās no one who understands close to me.
This site has helped me so much, talking to other parents, living the same nightmare.l made me realise Iām not actually going mad!
Look after yourself xx
I am horrible to almost everyone! Sometimes though, very rarely, I can be over the top niceā¦ but thatās to the person who cannot possibly know whatās going on. Those that know and avoid me or say nothing, they have a special place on my hate list. That hate list is sooooooo long 
I write things down too, @MJG suggested it and it helps to get those thought out of your head. Also, like you, my daughterās dad isnāt around so the person who should be the closest to feeling your pain isnāt there. Itās a lonely place to be.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain. I too found my son, at his flat, in bed, accidentally overdosed on drugs in March. The pain, shock is horrendous and the flashbacks. All I can say is keep talking on here and do minute by minute, do everything in your own time. I have never experienced pain like it, however it does ease slightly. I write a journal every day which helps. This site is my lifeline. Take care xx
Its still lonely when you have someone, by week 5 my husband ( who had been great until then) couldnāt understand why I was still like I was- barely functioning and getting cross that I was making ready meals instead of home cooked meals, Iāve hardly spoken to him about our son since, A few text messages but he keeps trying to get me to return to what I was doing and heās booked a meal out with friends the end of the month ( I wonāt be going) , I have a tolerance of about an hour in a cafe ad thatās if its quiet and even then my mind constantly wanders. These boards are my lifeline really.
I find it easier when I have to or want to speak to people who arenāt aware of my circumstances. Iāve changed so much, no patience, quick tempered. I want to scream at the world. My next door neighbour put Christmas tree up todayā¦I canāt do it or interested in it xx
MJG our culdesac is normally decorated with lights going between the houses , not this year mine will be unlit, I will have to do something for my son as its not fair his traditions have been ruined as well but not sure what will happenā¦ it will be a day of diazepam I think
Ours is always nice cul de sac. My partner just said we will be putting up few outside lightsš¤·āāļø. I will put few peaceful lights in the window, but thatās it. I canāt cope with it. Not even doing lunch. I want to hibernate. Why donāt people get it xx
I think men have different coping mechanisms. My partner says donāt keep crying it wonāt change anything. I donāt blame you not going for a meal, why put yourself under pressure for no reason xx