My coping mechanism was going for long walks miles away from anyone or anywhere but it’s not working anymore no matter how hard I push myself and yes taff you can be and feel lonely even with people around you as I know.
I walk for miles every day which seems to help. Taff put something on here the other day, I think it was Taff
Friends become strangers
Strangers become friends
These words are so true
1 Like
Very true and I like to think me and taff and also another member on here have become good friends.
1 Like
The only place I feel calm and don’t cry is the bouldering centre me and my son Harry climbed at together. I only lost him 4 weeks ago and his funeral was yesterday. At home I just avoid everyone and cry. I have no idea how I am going to return to work. I went in his room earlier when everyone was out and screamed at him to come back, I know he can’t but it doesn’t stop me wanting him to. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without him. He was only 19 and had so much to do. He was my best friend.
Haribo, ive often gone in my sons room and screamed at him when everyone is out. My husband went back to work after 5 weeks , ( only from home hes not gone in physically yet and its 15 weeks) he said that was too soon really, i would find him taking afternoon naps, he was a work aholic but now just wants early retirement. 15 weeks of tears for me
I screamed in the car after I had taken my daughters boyfriend home. I was so angry that she has left me, that she wasn’t there in the car with me like she normally would be. Then i felt such trauma and desperation and guilt, she didn’t want to leave any more than I wanted her to go. Then all the sorrow turns to anger again.
Everyone grieves differently and there are many times when I am so pleased I don’t have a husband/partner imposing their feelings on me and asking me to move on or do things I’m not ready to do. I think we all need to be kind to ourselves and be a little selfish in how we grieve.
I am still very much stuck in the denial stage and this is where I intend to stay, everything is still as it was on the day she died, including me.
We all bribe in different ways I guess, but whatever the way it feels like hell. I want to scream, cry and most of all why, answers I will never have. You are doing well if you think of it going to the coffee shop, more than I can do. I just lay low from everyone still as I think it’s an easy option xx
1 Like
I think I can use the coffee shop as it was where I ran to in the early weeks of her passing. I couldn’t stay in the house, that was where she died and had so many traumatic memories. Her death wasn’t peaceful and the pain of reliving it is too much to bear. I still can’t. I still can’t find peace at home either, the last 11 months of her life were horrendous and she suffered so much, I’m not scared of death, after watching her, I’m scared of dying.
I’m actually in a coffee shop now 
watching people and wishing it was them and not her. Healthy? Who cares?
Glad you have the coffee shop to go to and you feel at ease and a safe sanctuary. My sanctuary is spending so long in the shower, that I come out like a wrinkled raisin 
, well actually I feel like a wrinkled raisin how much I feel I have aged over the last few months. We have to do what is right for us. Sometimes I just like quietness around me, then another I have some music on. Take care xx
Glad you can get to a coffee shop, I miss my coffees. I was with my cousin for her short battle ( 3 months) , i’m not sure if that last week asking for her to be sedated was for her benefit or ours, but it did mean her end was peaceful. Though her last words to me were I want to F ***ing Pee as I was restraining her on the bed so she couldn’t get off. Who would have thought in 5 years I would have organised a funeral for a 28 year old and 21 year old. I said never again the first time around.
MJG i now have lots of excess skin from weight loss and my hair is a lot greyier, people probably wont recognise me if they saw me now. I’m still liking quiet, so end up going to bed by 8pm as husband has TV on.
Taff, I hope you are eating small meals if you can. I’ve got my friend who is a hairdresser coming to highlight mine in a few weeks. She is lovely and I am lucky I can talk to her. Hope that may make me feel bit better. Can’t wait to get my pjs on😀 xx
@Taff i feel so guilty because I didn’t want her sedated, I was desperately trying to hang on. She’d had a nightmare months after she was diagnosed that she could hear me and her sister but she couldn’t move or talk and she was terrified. It haunts me that that was exactly what happened.
She was having tiny seizures that were causing her pain but she couldn’t tell us. I had to watch for her eye twitching then ask her to squeeze my hand if it was hurting. She squeezed.
I am a shadow of myself but that brings me comfort. I haven’t been to the hairdresser now for almost a year. I don’t have grey hair yet so have to be thankful for small mercies but I’d go bald for one more minute with her. There’s no end to what I wouldn’t do for one more day. But I’m greedy, I want a life time with her.
I can’t believe what has happened in the early hours. Police at the door to say my partners son has died….drugs involved. I literally feel I have gone back 8 months to when I lost my son. I have to up my game somehow to support him. I’m broken again and all we have to go through again….i guess this time we know the drill of what to do and the long drawn out process of it all. Life is shit.
2 Likes
MJG im so sorry i know there are no words, but you know we are all here for you. PM me if needed
Hi Taff, I did an SAR to obtain my daughter’s GP records. It took a couple of months as they had to seek legal advice but I managed to get them…have a word with www.inquest.org.uk
I have no connection to them other than the inquest next year
The inquest has gone from an hours hearing to a 2 day hearing.
Thank you Taff so much. He’s hardly spoken a word. I am numb and broken 
xx
1 Like
Thank you at the moment they are saying i need a court order, ill have a look at inquest, i read through his CBT notes that he kept yesterday, they were horrendous, i feel like the last two years were now a lie what he kept from us.
1 Like
Its going to hit you hard two lossess together you are struggling already, keep reaching out for support
2 Likes
The hardest part for me so far has been reading the bundle which is still not complete. I dread the actual inquest itself…
Ours wont be until April unless its paper based only the toxicology report should be back soon though. Part of me wants paper based as no press, not even sure if coroner will ask for mental health notes as was discharged 12 months ago