It was my sons choice

Blimey how could she be so insensitive. i personally havent chosen to go down the counselling route i would sooner talk to family and people like yourself who know exactly how i feel. My name is Diane my daughter is Jodie. i cry everyday and at times struggle to cope . i do take Jodies little boy to school every morning. i am planning to have some phased retyrn to work over the next few weeks and tnh i dont know how im going to cope. my daughter had a fantastic job, lovely home husband and son. i still cant comprehend that she has gone. My girl was diagnosed with PMDD in february and i thought that now there was diagnosis we would get the correct help for her, how wrong we were. Joie was let down by every service possible Crisis team [ who are ok if youre not in a crisis] , her work, ambulance, police ect jodie went through episodes with her PMDD and during these episodes which lasted about 5 days month she would drink. She told her sister that no one understood what was going on in her head. Im so angry with the services for failing her, even though i begged for their help. My GP told me it was one of the most tragic cases she had heard off. So technically because no one would listen my daughter drank possiby a litre of vodka went to sleep and didnt wake up… She didnt want to die so so sad xx

Jodi I feel your pain and anger towards the mental health department because they did nothing to help my son even though they seen him harm himself lots of times still they did nothing and he asked them to help him also I literally begged them to help him but they didn’t apparently they don’t have the resources so in my view they are the ones responsible for my son’s death so please don’t think you’re alone with the anger towards mental health because I hate them with a passion so I understand how you feel :broken_heart:

Me being me I would have spoke my mind, I don’t hold back anymore for anything, and come to the conclusion if they don’t like it that’s there problem not mine. Just had blazing row with someone when out walking thought it was ok to let there dog jump up me when we were out walking. You can imagine my reaction. We have enough going on again Taff without that. Unfortunately another inquest looms for us. At the moment I am as hard natured and focused than ever, not sure where it’s all coming from with me. X

I had my 4th counselling session on Wednesday. I’m allowed 6. I still haven’t spoken about my daughter in depth, it’s just too painful. So my counsellor skirts around the issue, trying to focus on my sense of abandonment that I must be feeling since my husband left.
NO, I haven’t given that dickhead a second thought, I AM GRIEVING MY DAUGHTER… and I left him!
He’s also asked if I feel abandoned by the system, if we had been rich, for example, would we have had access to other treatments. NO because there is NO cure!
He insists I am in the bargaining phase of grief, but as I pointed out, why the fuck would I be bargaining for a cure now.
Who bargains in grief…. They’ve gone, no amount of bargaining is bringing them back.
The problem is these ‘counsellors’ do not have a clue. The sit some online course and all of a sudden they are professionals. We need real professionals, with real understanding and at least a hint of empathy! We don’t fit the description on the print out, our children didn’t mean the world they ARE the world.

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Hi Mobe oh dear your counsellor does not sound like he has a clue, but then again how could he if he has not lost a child. When I lost my son suddenly and unexpectedly I read many books about grief most of them not much use, but one I found helpful by an expert on grief called David Kessler . The author Grew up surrounded by loss so decided to dedicate his life to helping others going through grief . However A few years ago he suddenly lost his young adult son ( his son was only about 20 if I remember right) and it floored him , literally. He wrote something like he thought he understood everything there was to know about grief as after all he was the expert, he had cried with many parents who had lost their children and felt he really knew what they were going through . However when he lost his son it was like nothing he had experienced before, he said he wanted to write to each of those parents and say sorry. He really couldn’t have understood the depth of pain and despair they were in, it was so much worse than any other loss he had experienced.
I thought yes, you got it !
It really changes your whole world in a way you could never ever imagine ,it seems to affect every molecule inside and outside of you. Maybe your counsellor should read the book, I think it’s called “finding meaning” the sixth stage of grief.
But then again the man sounds like he has no empathy or sensitivity so he still might not get it. I wonder if you could request someone else maybe say you are not comfortable with him and would rather talk to a female counsellor.
To me losing a child is like a heart break we can never get over or come to terms with , I am still just taking one day at a time, and waiting.
Take care, Jess x

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Thank you @Jss I will most certainly be recommending this book to my counsellor.
I really believe we are being let down, only someone who has lost a child can fully understand how absolutely, devastatingly, it changes your life. We are never, ever going to be the same, we are merely shadows of a life we once had.

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Hi Taff, my daughter died nearly 2 years ago. The grief and anger in my family meant we were all at odds with each other. It was not a time to make big decisions about the future. The grief is all encompassing in the early days and I could barely function, let alone make wise decisions for the future. It’s just an idea but could you and your husband agree to leave any big decisions for at least another six months. That would put the immediate decisions aside and might take a bit of pressure off for both of you. Just an idea, everyone’s different tho. So sorry for your loss. Xxx

MoBe

You’re so right about the ridiculous things people say to us when we’re grieving. Even my Mum, who I love to pieces, really annoyed me by saying at least my son wasn’t suffering anymore. I still feel like shouting back and have to bite my tongue. He’s not here so I’m suffering, his Dad is suffering, his brothers are suffering and his wife and stepson are suffering! She also tells me it will get better, no I don’t believe that.

I saw your remark about how we say they have ‘passed’, in the US where my son lived they say they ‘enter into rest’ which seemed very apt for my Thomas as he was always telling me how tired he was.

Stay strong x

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Thank you @Lcc59, I really like that phrase ‘enter into rest’.
I’ll think of that when I am in my worst moments, the many times I want to die and be with her. There are only two things keeping me here, my other daughter and not knowing if I will see my baby again when I die but thinking I will enter into rest is a beautiful thought.
I’m in a sort of bubble, a grief bubble. I don’t let anyone in, just 3 others who grieve her loss almost as much as me… and I think I’ll probably stay here for a very long time but even those closest to you still say stupid things and send stupid messages that make you think they don’t get it at all.
It’s a very lonely path xx

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I lost my son 9 years ago and have been through every sad and destructive emotion; ending it all is not an uncommon thought amongst all of us “survivors”. The thing is it would damage and hurt so many around you. Do not do that, if only for your loved ones’ sakes. Find a small group of people with similar experiences (there are unfortunately too many of us) and go there and listen and talk and cry and share. It helps.

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MoBe

That’s the phrase that sums this grief up, we as grieving parents are all walking ‘a very lonely path’. There are things I saw whilst I sat by my son’s hospital bed for 27 days that I can’t share with people, his body shut down organ by organ. My husband hears me crying and asks if I want a cuddle. No I don’t want a cuddle I want my son back. I also don’t want a cuddle because I think I will collapse into an jibbering wreck and I was brought up never to crumble. I have to be strong for my other sons.

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Lcc59
Why can’t you crumble? You have lost your son, you are living the life other people recoil in horror from. Please, please do not behave as others expect, behave as your body dictates xx

I know I have to be strong but who am I being strong for? I have one older daughter, no one else, no husband or partner, no grandchildren. I worry she will resent me as I sometimes resent her, I resent she has no partner, no children, no one to support her when I can’t. She has lost so much, she gave up her home and job to move back with me and help look after her sister and now she’s stuck in this sad life with me. Will her life be better with me in it? I’m not sure.
I’m not asking for validation I just genuinely wonder because if I were in her shoes I don’t think I would want me around.

Why do we have to be strong? Is it to save the embarrassment of others when we cry? When we scream with the pain and anguish? Is it so friends and family can live their lives safe in the knowledge we’re ok because we’re being strong and presenting a face to the world that is a mask hiding the grief and sorrow?
I exist. I breathe. I’m not strong I’m here because I’m too weak to leave.
We are all grieving, we all grieve in the same different way because our children were the same different people. My grief is immense, black hole, universe immense because my love for my child is immense.
I’m doing all I can to try and ease this pain but the truth is I don’t want it to ease because that is all I have left of her, the huge aching hole she has left in my soul.

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You don’t have to be strong right now. You have the worst sort of loss and it feels unendurable. You are suffering, your the parent who’s lost your child. You are left behind grieving. It’s bloody awful. It sounds silly but what would you say if this was happening to a close friend? Bet it wouldn’t be ‘pull yourself together, be strong’. Sometimes you just can’t be strong. You’ve had the biggest shock a parent can have. You have every right to cry, shout, stay in bed all day, collapse in a heap, be bloody angry, cry 24/7. You may not believe it right now, but you are doing the right thing and actually showing strength by sharing on here. You are contacting Compassionate Friends so you will get the support you deserve. No ones to blame for your loss, especially not you. You’re doing all the right things by reaching out to others. No one can take the pain away but others can hold you in their thoughts and walk with you. No ones pretending it all goes away ever, but there is a life for you that’s worth living and things can get better than it is right now. You’ve found the strength to ask for help, that’s a big first step. Over time you will find your own individual way to manage. It is early days and it’s good enough to just keep on keeping on. Do what you have to do, like paying bills and eating if you can. That’s enough for now. Honestly xxxxxx

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MoBe
I was raised by a Mother who had an awful life with my father but she just carried on raising us 6 kids without a moan until she could stand no more and divorced him. She can be happy, angry but not sad, that makes her uncomfortable and therefore raised us that way. I get angry when she tells me it will get better but I need to remember that is really alien to her to be emotional. She loved Thomas, he could make her laugh so I know she misses him too. Being strong for others is what I know, I had to be strong through my divorces and raise 3 Sons who had a lot of medical issues. Their fathers didn’t do much so I had to and I cried when the boys weren’t around. Even when we let Thomas slip away I had to be in charge as his Dad couldn’t handle it, I organised the funeral but I felt I needed to do that as it was really the last thing I would do for him. His Dad couldn’t even write more than 5 words to describe Thomas when I wrote a full eulogy and even then he couldn’t stand up and say them, my eldest had to do it for him.

You’re right, why do we stay strong? We should show our pain and after reading your comment I spoke to my husband about how painful it was for us to watch Thomas’s body slowly break down. He replied with his usual ‘it must be hard for you’ and I resented him. Full on resentment because he still has his children, I’m missing one. I can only share here the depth of the pain, the way I’m brought to a standstill several times a day when I think he’s no longer here and all the bright future he had before him that’s lost. This is a never ending torture, but like you say, I don’t want it to end as I love Thomas so very very much and miss him more than I could ever describe. I too, like many others in this situation, just exist. Nothing else matters to me as much as the loss of my Son and I think only my other 2 son’s and Thomas’s widow really know what it’s like.

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Lcc59
I totally agree, there are very few people who understand our grief, only those who share it. In my case it’s my daughter and Faye’s boyfriend.
My counsellor asked if I could describe the difference between my father’s death and my daughters. “Easy” I said, “after sitting with my dad all night and waiting while the nurses washed his body I was able to walk out the door and back into my life”
The day my daughter died everyone who was there that day, except my other daughter and Faye’s boyfriend, left. They were able to walk away, back into their lives. It is us three who grieve the most. Even her dad was able to walk away, so I understand your resentment. Hate is the only other emotion I have.
Mothers are strong, we put our children first and nothing comes before them. I know why people say be strong, they’re too scared of what not being strong looks like.
I was strong when I needed to be. I was strong when she was diagnosed with cancer at eight, then again at thirteen, then again at twenty. I was strong as I held her and told her she was going to die because her consultant couldn’t do it. I was strong as I held her hand as she took her last breath. I was strong as I wrote her eulogy. I was strong as I read her eulogy. I was strong as they lowered her into the ground… and then I broke.
I don’t need to be strong anymore.

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MoBe
My you’ve had to be strong for a long time,. You were a rock for your daughter for many years and you did your best for her. You held it together for her so it’s time for you to stop being strong. I know I have to stop too and even though it goes against everything we feel as a Mother I know it’s best for me. You’ve made me realise I need to let go of the reins and breathe. I still don’t see how I’ll ever be at peace with this, my darling boy is gone and so has his future but I need to find a way to carry on. I miss his silliness and I mourn the loss of such a sweet soul. I will carry on talking to him every day and gaze at his photos. I will keep in touch with his widow as she adored him and he would want me to make sure she is okay.

We walk this lonely path together x

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I feel for you,in someways I am the same,my son was born with mild cerebral palsy, moderate learning disability and epilepsy. He fought all those , learnt to walk,was doing well being independent. For 47 years he learnt so much. He got covid,stayed in his room for 3 weeks, got through it so fine. Then in April this year complained of pain in his hip and spine.Got him to hospital secondary bone cancer ,they could not find primary. It hurt so much as he took so long to learn to walk, and this took away him being able to walk. He died 3 months later on the 17th July,Life is so cruel but we had 47 wonderful years with him

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The ache I feel from waking everyday to her not being here is unbearable. I met a lovely lady yesterday from Compassionate Friends, she lost her son 20years ago and that has horrified me. I don’t want to live 20years without my daughter, she said she has lived longer now without him than she did with him. I cannot do that.
It also made me realise I am still very much in denial because talking about her dying is acknowledging she has gone and I’m not ready for that. If I have to live the rest of my time in state of denial then I’m happy to do it because I cannot believe I won’t see or hold her again.
I wish I could jump forward to a time when my other daughter is happy, settled with her own family and I can die happy. I know so many others here feel this pain and they are still here many months or years down the line. I just want an end date.

My husband and I held his hand as he said help me Mum dad,I got to go now, I said where have you got to go he said death . I did have the feeling someone had come for him as he tried to get out of bed. I prayed to God please don’t take him we need him.
We do need more research into secondary cancer,that is the killer when it spreads and comes back. I did write to my MP maybe we should all do that ?

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Life is too cruel to comprehend. I look at people in the street and wonder about their lives and what kind of people they are? Do they know how lucky they are?
I always felt lucky because I had 2 beautiful girls, I think because we knew very quickly how fragile life is.
My daughter was so beautiful, inside and out. She was caring, kind and strong. She taught me how to be a better a person. Now she has gone I am bitter, cruel and indifferent, I don’t care about anyone or anything. I have lost both her and me.

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