Sorry you are not having a good day. I’m not either, been crying since last night and still crying. Just been out talking to my son and asking him…why. I had his bundle yesterday from the coroners office, please be prepared when you get yours, I will warn you it has destroyed me again. Nothing in it shocked me, but seeing it in writing has. Google has been very busy trying to understand the medical terms. Think I will have to start writing bits down. I shouldn’t go on about this to you sorry, as you have so much to deal with. Get some rest take care xx
@Taff We will always think we could’ve done more but ultimately they just couldn’t find a place in this world .
The above link is a blog from a therapist who’s son took his life There are about 17 blogs . All worth a read but this one in particular is about good parenting .
Take care
xx
Thank you, I will have a read of it later xx
Manged to shower ( i had been wearing and sleeping in same clothes last 48 hours) , cried in shower and cried most of afternoon, husband is already talking about what shall we do with his room, getting rid of his clothes, that room is all I have left of him
Taff, I have spent hours in the shower crying, and still do, I think it’s our escape place. There is no set time when to sort you sons clothes out, in your own time. I’ve kept some of my sons as I can smell him on them, gives me comfort. I must admit I got my partner to clear his flat out quickly as i new I would never go back there from the day I found him. His flat is up for sale…heartbreaking. Only do things when you are ready. Big hugs xx
He had washed all his clothes, there were no dirty clothes in his room, he used to use Lidl capsules, I just want to buy loads now and use them all the time to get his smell back. I found his Blue Dog cuddly toy from when he was a child, I have been cuddling it but that does stink! I think I will get a pillow made from the shirt he wore on his 21st, and a blanket made with his T-shirts. He loved his superdry coats and has about 5 , Ive lost that much weight I think I’m now skinny enough to wear them, so lots of his clothes will now be my clothes.
That’s lovely idea to have some clothes made into a blanket, whatever helps. I’ve got some of my sons hoodies, I can smell him on them. Whatever brings us comfort. I had his teddy what he used to carry in his arms put in his coffin, along with his pool cue, and my letter to him. Take care xx
I put all my sons things together, I have 3 bedrooms and live on my own. All his stuff is in the back bedroom. I often go in and look at his things and smell his clothes. His hair brush is still there, with his hair, sounds daft I know.
The undertaker did me a fingerprint and and a lock of his hair, which I treasure. My family had me a necklace and my other son a bracelet made with some of his ashes.
I had his ashes buried with my Mum & Dad, which gives me a lot of peace. But I have some that I want mixing with mine when I die, we will be reunited!
Hope you don’t mind me telling you this xx
Gill1960, I have done similar to you, his hoodies, some t shirts, hair brush all safety stored. I can smell him. I have my Mum and Dads ashes out in beautiful pots in the garden and I have my son in between them. He idolised my parents, their home was his home. I want to be out in with my son, then goodness knows what would happen, as it’s only me, no other family apart from my partner. I can sit on the sofa and just look out at his resting place, some days crying other days ok. Take care of yourself xx
Silly thing to say but how are you feeling. I hope you have managed to get out for a small walk, or some time outside. Been thinking of you😀 xx
Thanks @MJG another night of no sleep, just keep going over and over things, the fact he wasn’t found for about 40 hours, how he could google such things and not google help, why we were not enough for him. Went for a walk with the dog but my mind is constantly going over and over things. Husband annoyed that I would not go into shop in village , I have to start doing things again… I just cannot, i nearly yelled at shopping delivery man , he handed me over 4 cinnamon buns and said oh there’s only 3 of you I can have the other one, think its easier not to talk to people and avoid comments that they don’t mean to hurt but do.
Hope you can get a tiny bit of sleep tonight, I’ve started having a hot chocolate before bed, that has helped a bit. I know exactly what you mean going over things in your head, I do it so much always saying why….beating ourselves up over how we could have done something different. I haven’t been in any of our local shops and I’m really pleased you went out for a walk with the dog. To others who are not in this horror haven’t got a clue how difficult it is to even leave the house. I was at screaming point on Friday, just remember tiny steps, and believe me in time you will get a good hour in the day, I never thought it would happen but it does. Take care big hug xx
I slept i my sons bed last night, after a big cry managed to drop off then when I woke the moon was very bright, so now I know a month ago he left on a full moon guiding his way, so then the constant thoughts of why didn’t I sit with him that night, we might have got through that episode, though it may have just delayed things but then at least we could have tried to get help. Dreading my sons 18th next week, feel I have to try and put on a happy face so he can have a happy memory, the poor lad he’s not only lost his brother he’s lost who I was as well.
Yes the moon was bright last night and so glad you managed a bit of sleep. I cried myself to sleep last night, when I looked out of my lounge window the moon was shining right over my sons resting place in the garden, I cried at that. We all did everything we could for our boys, but we still beat ourselves up every minute of the day with the question…why. I wish I had never read my sons post mortem report. That is what has set me back. The inquest is in September and they will decide whether it was accidental drugs overdose or suicide. Hopefully you can get out for a little walk later today. I really have decided some people are just a waste of my time and reluctant to even say hello…it sounds awful but just can’t do it. Be kind to yourself, take care, big hugs xx
Drove to local park, husband annoyed that I wont go out from home, but I walked through the park in tears. I don’t want to read the inquest pack but my husband does, mainly as he wants the coroner to question uni about how he was there to get more info, but I don’t want any more hurt or more unanswered questions of what he kept from us. I cannot believe he was so unhappy at uni, but waited until he was home. Im assuming you want the cause to be accidental ? We were both crying at the moon last night then xx
Glad you managed a walk in the park even though tears, it doesn’t matter. Your husband is dealing with his grief in his own way. Do what you want in your own time. I think the coroner will contact the uni as part of the report. On my sons was his medical history, etc. whatever the coroner decides won’t change anything. I’ve managed to go for a swim, but spent most of the time crying to myself. I really wish I hadn’t read that report. Hope you manage a bit of sleep tonight. Take care of yourself which is most important, but seems so irrelevant when we are in this situation. Big Hugh’s xx
Think the main question I want answering is, he had CBT via NHS in 2021 for pain management and that weekend he mentioned they had also thought he was depressed so why oh why did that not raise the concern that he should not be on Amitriptyline if he was depressed. I think that will be the hard part, we wont get enough of the why questions answered, it will just be yes he died and this is how he died. Glad you went for a swim, ive not swam for years, always used to like it but far to much effort at the moment.
I’m really not sure I’m sorry Taff. I know that amitripline can be used for pain relief, I was given it years ago with a trapped nerve, I reacted to it and had a problem with my kidneys, it can I believe be used as an anti depressant. Maybe you could contact your GP and see if they can answer that question. I’m probably only making it worse by saying that and I’m sorry if it does. So many questions why and I don’t ever think we will have the answers, the amount of help my son turned down from his GP upset about his addiction. Even when he engaged with Addaction he said he was ok…I would ring them and because he was an adult I had no input…I think it’s so wrong not to be able to give them your concerns. I really do hope you can find some answers which may in time help. All I know is I’m going backwards again ever since I read the bundle from the coroner. I have always done a lot of swimming, usually it clears my head…he hasn’t today. I really just want to put my pjs on and get the day over with. Little steps for us, sending big hugs xx
He was taking it for pain for about 4 years, he had a constant headache after having glandular fever, think he was scared of speaking to GP about depression ( got that feeling on his last night) as he didn’t want to come off that, but they maybe could have upped his dose instead. All theses questions if only he had asked.
I had glandular fever years ago and the headaches were awful. I really hope you can get some answers from somewhere. I’m sat re reading the bundle and using google to try and understand some things, just been out for a quick bike ride. I had to get out and look at the sea. I hope you can have a bit of sleep tonight. Please look after yourself. Let me know tomorrow how you sleep if you would like to, Take care, sending you a big hug xx