I think it is harder this time. Like you, I had more family the first time I was widowed. I was also 20 years younger, and my daughter was less disabled then. I also think that grief is cumulative, and I seem to be mourning for my first husband again, as well as my second. They both had sudden cardiac arrests, the shock is horrendous.
Xx
So very sorry.
Love and hugs xx
i wss marrued before, 1st husband died at 38 massive heart attack, shick but had had family and was working. i loved him we had 15 years together, then 2 years later i got stage 3 breast cancer and realised i didn’t want to die. i already knew David from work and he became my rock, but i oushed him away as if indied indidnt want him to go through what i had, but he stuck around and eventually we realised what we had and had been together for 30 years, 28 married . we were never apart went everywhere together, help hands told each we loved then daily. Yes i loved Peter, but my love for David was deeper and longer and stronger, we promised to be together forever you and me to the end its him i want to be with and Peter would understand as hed have wanted me to happy. This time its harder, im 71 retired, but i think its because my love is deeper, and i have to believe David and i will be together again its tge inky way i can go on
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has anyone noticed that everything seems to start going wrong after our loved one has gone. This week has been awful, Wednesday night lift water tank started leaking through ceiling, so plumber called, water turned iff, plumber seals tank , no guarantees will work water back on Saturday, still dripping , so bath full if water to flush toilet bottled water for drinking, got to see about a new tank not cheap, a window also needs changing, probate not sorted, ive not got much in savings so worried sick and stepson who luves here is autistic so meltdowns as he cant process straight away, ive done nothing but cry it like everything is against me and i wonder how i can go on. waiting on quotes to replace tank . why havent i enough to deal with, is life really worth it.?
Oh yes - I had that after my husband died.
Every single one of his financial affairs went wrong - from cancelling things they weren’t meant to, to getting his pensions wrong, life assurance errors, missing money from my kid joint accounts and nurses turning up at the door to take his blood when he’d been dead 3 weeks.
Then the house - flooded washing machine, broken blinds, blocked pipes and the car needed to be in the garage 3 times. Really thought I’d give up when I got a chip and crack in my car window ( never had one in 30 years of driving ) and then the company ordered the wrong windscreen so another wait of 3 weeks.
I’m still needing to change services 4 months on as I am too scared to change some things. Am still arguing with HMRC who are completely useless and I haven’t even started sorting out probate ( confirmation up here )
The only thing that has gone smoothly has been when I wanted to pay off the mortgage. Was the easiest thing I’ve done in years - funny how it works well when you are giving money out.
Anyway - rant over. Sorry.
Have been avoiding the next lot of financials and really need to get going but lacking motivation today.
Keep going - it hopefully will
Sort itself out in time. Xxx
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i couldnt face probate, looked at all paperwork and couldnt understand it, i had to do a just giving to ask for help with probate and probate as rbs wouldn’t release his account even though they were legally required to, thfn after 3 weeks they did after an official complaint so it paid the funeral and bit left trst did probate with go fund money, so stressful, his creditors write off his card debt but not nat west they are going to do probate and property searches, even though house was in a will trust, they could make us sell for sake of 4k, solicitor says wont be good publicity and if they get nasty they’ll sort it,. i did all financial as was below threshold required for probate, . Its a nightmare and with natwest hanging over my head i dont feel safe, then all the other stuff on top its making everything so much harder
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We were quite lucky with the financials when my wife passed,bank bereavement team were excellent,insurance company was good,thought we had nicely skated around probate,but there is always one,jobsworths at premium bonds dug their heals in and insisted on probate,so £1200 and 9 weeks later still sitting here waiting.
solicitors tell me its a min 20 weeks for probate , thought you should have only needed a letter of administration. its just a minefield sorting everything.
I just need to face it all I suppose. It’s so complicated and I really don’t understand it all but I will need to get going.
Also Have to do his tax return by October, but need to get his pay slips as nowadays everything is on line - and I can’t access any of his work staff accounts so it means more phone calls / emails just to get some information.
Just don’t have the energy any more.
All this sadmin is so soul destroying,these institutions must have done it hundreds of times,you would think they would make it a lot easier and considerate of peoples feelings.
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The fact that everything is online now
makes it all so much harder. My husband has been gone 6 months now and I’m only now thinking about probate. FFS is there anyone working out there who is remotely competent! I have had so many problems, and its all so complicated.
I’m trying to unsubscribe from loads of email accounts. They keep asking for usernames and passwords. I dont know! Maybe i’ll just end up blocking them just to get them out of the inbox. Its a total nightmare.
ive just kept deleting ones i cant deal with, he has winnings in his lottery account but they want an original certified death cert., nat west and rbs are the most uncompassionate companies going that work by their rules if they can get away with it. Insurances, all his other companies were great no bother at all with hmrc or dwp.
our local hospital were useless, they accelerated his death by not talking to his cardiologist , then took a week to issue his death cert. nothing is easy , i found that all stressful, but i had things i needed to get through so i coped better once funeral was over thats when its hit and its not gone away since. ive no where to go to talk to or just sit as he was scattered with his mum and dad, his wishes, so i have his photo i talk to but i feel I’m in a prison in the house, alone. Then with all the urgent repairs needed i dont feel i can cope.
Oh bless you. I know the alone feeling so well. Sometimes you just need soneone as a soundboard. Its really hard when you have no-one.
I did Ok for about 4 months, and dealt with what had to be done. Then I had an ‘I can’t do this attack’ and took a week off from it. The week has not ended yet. I really will have to give myself a good talking to and get this lot sorted.
I have a whole study full of redundant paperwork to sift through, plus loads of model railway and electronic stuff I dont have a clue about. Im doing essential paperwork and the gardening. The rest of it (non essential) can wait.
Looks like I’ll be busy over the winter!
my stepson knows about model railways so if you need help he might be able to help. ive had good weeks right until last week when the leak started. guess it will pass, im 22 weeks in.
Hi if you have access to his computer,laptop,I pad or whatever and have his computer or whatever,you can go into settings and scroll down to passwords all his log in details for his accounts should be stored there,hope this helps.
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Yes, same here. Lots of things have gone wrong. I swear this house is built on ley lines, either that or I have got magnetic fingers. Mostly electrical and computer problems for me. The banks, utilities and pensions have been useless and the local council is even worse. All at a time when my brain is not working. I dread the postman coming. On Saturday I received 5 letters from the council tax department, all typed and posted the same day, all in separate envelopes. One said they owed me money, one said I owed them money, one said that the account showed zero, there were two of those. The other one asked me if I still lived here.
I am going to superglue my letterbox.
Xx
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paeony, heads a shed told you about stepson, but we cant contact each other so he couldnt help, feels like we know each other here
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I’m sorry, it’s me again. Woke up with tears streaming. Just three weeks today I lost the love of my life after almost 10 years of marriage and loving him so much every day. I just don’t know how to carry on. I miss him more than I thought possible. 
I feel absolutely heartbroken, inconsolable. All I can see are empty places - the bedroom, the lounge, his favourite chair in the conservatory. I just feel so empty. I just feel I’ll never get over this. To go from the happiest days of my life to the absolutely worst days, I just don’t know how to cope anymore.
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I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way - 3 weeks is so early on and you’ll still be trying to process all that has happened.
The pain you feel is a reflection of the love you had and although that doesn’t help at the moment, in time you will learn to live with your loss.
Do what makes things easier for you at the moment. Cry, scream, throw things about, write down your thoughts, talk to your people if you have them, post on here. All can help you get through this awful time and let others help when they offer.
Make sure you look after yourself, rest when you can, eat as well as you can and try some distraction.
Be kind to yourself. Just try to get through an hour at a time, or a day, and try not to think too much about the future.
Sorry I don’t have anything to take away your pain - but we all understand here and can help support you through the tough times.
Sending some hope and strength xxx
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Harriet this is all so horrible and I can’t really add anymore than Roni52 has already said. We are all living a nightmare that never seems to end.
I started writing a journal every day. It’s just a letter to him telling him what I’ve done ( never very much) and how I feel. I write down my deepest feelings and somehow it helps as it feels like we are still communicating. I also leave it open on the desk in hope that he can read it.
You are not alone on this site and we really do understand. I hope you have family or friends near even just for a little company. I know it’s not the same but it is a distraction. Sending love and strength xx
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